regrets

A friend of mine asked me how i deal with the regrets in my life. I wrote back and forth to her for awhile and realized that I had something smart to say about it because I have taken 5 years of my life to struggle with and sort it out.  I have only figured out a chunk of the iceberg, but I like the journey I’ve traveled because I have learned so much by feeling what i felt, and learning to feel how i feel now.  

See, the thing is, I used to spend a lot of time living in shame for the things I wish could have been different.  I used to identify myself with my regrets.  Because of all that self loathing however, I have come to learn a couple things that I’d like to pen now.

When I do something that I am ashamed of, regret, or wish I could take back, I spend alot of time reflecting on what I did to make me feel that way.  I think about the good things that could come from my mistake, the bad realities that have come from my mistake and essentially why I even regret the mistake.  Was it something I said and did?  what made me regret it?  Why? I think about who I hurt with my actions so that I really understand the reality of what I’ve done. I try to get a firm understanding of the shame im feeling so that I can remember why I regret what i’ve done. Then, I make a plan to do things differently if the opportunity presents itself.  I also think about what I could have done differently to make the situation go my way.

I am not my mistakes. I am not defined by the mistakes I have made.  The thing is, is that I am human and I will make mistakes, and sometimes (a lot of times) I make really big, bad mistakes. They hurt me and those around me.  Am I bad because of that though?  No, I think not.  That’s because although you can tell a lot about a person by their choices that doesn’t mean that is who they are.  Jesus, claims us as his precious and most special children.  He says we have a plan and a future, he knows all the hairs on our head, he died because of his love for us.  Jesus has already validated me.  I am not my mistake.  I will not let that define who I am. If I do, I discredit the maker of the universe.  Because of that hope, I also do not have to continue choosing to make bad decisions.  Because through all mistakes, regrets and shame, there is good.

I wrote previously about Romans 8:28.  I truly believe that in ALL things, god works them out for the good of those who love him.  See, even if the mistake caused horrible consequences, something good can come from it and at the very least, you have learned from it.  I also have to remember that I am not done living yet.  If i make a mistake right now, that doesn't mean its the end of the world.  I have the rest of my life to live and learn and laugh and grow into a better person.  the regrets can fuel you to be that person.  So, see?  good can come from bad.

regrets. shame. dirty. bad.  they are all negative words in our vocabulary.  But mistakes and regrets can be something beautiful.  so so beautiful. we are not the mistakes we make in this world.  and even if it takes till our dying day to figure it out, there is beauty in perseverance.

--Jackie

WinterWonderSlam... The beginning and End.

I helped my church youth group out at this church lock in type thing this past weekend. We had alot of fun and I met a lot of cool girls just full of beauty. We went inner tubing (I chickened out on snowboarding) and just had a blast. I was reminded of my very own winter escape in 04. It was amazing. Not only did I just LOVE being lock in a church with a ton of kids but sometimes its just refreshing to just be locked away.

The thing about memories is they dont ever leave. Sometimes I think they do, and something will happen that bring them spirling back to my brain. To sort out and process. That happened alot at WWS. I wanted my best friend back. But along with said memories, came the reality that life right now, is how it is. I am different. My best friend at the time is now different. But the memory is sweet. Its kinda like my mom. She lives on through my brothers and I. I have memory after memory of her. EVERYTHING somehow brings her back to me. It was like a razor to my heart at first. but now im learning how to see the sweetness in it. Is that my heart Healing?

There was a time when I would tell people I would go back and redo things. Redo mistakes. But not now. I dont regret doing the things that lead me where I am at. The only regrets I have are those that caused pain for other people. I cant fix it now. I can only change myself to avoid future hurts. Sometimes I wish for the sweetness of the past. its a sad story to let beauty slip away. but its just like coming home after being away for a very long time. It isnt the same, and it wouldnt ever be the same. But the memory is forever sweet. Preserved in my head and heart. When i remember, I feel. I remember how i was feeling. At my very own winter escape. I felt freedom, joy, excitment, and rightness. at that moment in my life, it was right.

I know I am being vague. I do so on purpose. These are my memories stored and locked away in a place no one is allowed to touch. hidden in the sacred place of my heart. I just know, that memories are sweet. they can be bad as well but the ones i talk about now are sweet. gentle. soft. I cherish them. lol because even if i was to return to that moment with that person now. like i said before, it would be all wrong. two different people, two different perspectives, two different from how it used to be. :) but the used to be is still the sweetest thing about a memory.

I hope these young people can look back at this retreat and feel the same special fondness for a weekend locked away with God and godly people. There is something right about being right with God and being around people who love him like you love him. Sometimes its like I'm catching a wiff of heaven. Just loving and helping with no regard to self. Just wanting and desiring to be back in worship with God. I know for those who dont believe in him, that sounds boring; to which i respond, How do you enjoy the rush of the ocean when all you know is the puddle you enjoy. There is something infinitely wonderful about God. To be in rightness with the one who created you. To experience God and his love.

I hear talk of heaven being boring, but wanting to go because hell will be painful. but hell is just eternal seperation from our maker. how dark feeling. Why would you wanna go to heaven if you didnt wanna know Jesus anyways? the less of two evils? I'd argue to experience what you hope for. But thats just me. Heaven, i know will be something I cant even dream of. because I enjoy the puddle. But one day, I'll enjoy the ocean. (without seaweed because I am fearful of such things). or maybe i'll enjoy the freedom of the absence of fear. What a thought. anyways. Im really of topic. I just hope that memories were made, and sweet ones too. Because I know that my winter escape was sweet, and beautiful and the ordaning of something beautiful, perfect and right.

--Jackie

pain

"Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

2 Corinthians 4:7-9
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;

I've been through a lot of situations. My upbringing, although I wouldn't change it, wasn't the best it could have been. I am who I am because everything in my life has brought me here. I wouldn't be Jackie without the hard, painful, hurtful events that happened in my life. I also wouldn't be Jackie without the good beautiful events in my life too. While my mom raised us the best she could, God placed a beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman in my life to take up the slack. Even though I am a child of divorce, scarred as such, I am also the child of redemption and grace through my dad's second marriage.

I know pain. I know mistrust. I know disbelief. I know agony. But I also know that it seems like the more tears one cries, the deeper one learns. Its like a piece of meat sitting there to be worked, and the tears and hurts are like adding seasons to a well tenderized steak. I am better for it. I am better through the hurt. What I am trying to say is that the pain in my life was not without good. Everything; and I mean everything, really does get turned around for the better. My parents divorce, although leaving me terrified of never being able to stay together with one person forever, has also shown me how two people actually do stay together. I feel like every painful thing has taught me to be more understanding, more soothing, and more mature.

Pain is not without scars, however. I struggle constantly with trust. I don't believe I am worthy enough to be treated as such. I struggle to believe that I can just be and God will continue to love me just as I am. I am a people pleaser because I don't believe that just being me is enough, and in a way I let people walk all over me to try and keep the title of "good friend." when in reality, I have chosen a poor lot of people to claim friendship with in my days. Not all of them, but I've had quite a few bad friends. But even then, I am amazed when I get a friend who blows my mind away and loves me as is. I am astounded when someone likes me before I do something to win them over. and I am in disbelief when I realize that God still adores me even more than he did yesterday even though I did not earn anything for him. Every bad thing will inevitably equal a good thing.

Romans 8:28 Therefore we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.

I do not think that God intended for me to live a life so bad. I think he knew what would happen and designed me to conquer those things. He made me with so much hope, and so much faith that I could never fail. He made me with so much compassion, I cry for the misfortune of others. He made me able to persevere. He gave me gifts specifically designed for the life that I had no control over and he seasoned me with the pain he knew would be inflicted. I.am.better.for.it. God is not a mean God. I was not handed a bad hand in this life. I was handed my life, that I could not change and he gave me all the tools I would need to conquer it. He is a father, giving me bread and not stones. How beautiful. I have the rest of my life to learn how to trust and love and relax into me. He has already gotten me through the worst of it. He makes all bad into good and I will claim that until my dying day.

Jesus, is a beautiful, loving, wonderful person. God has always protected me, loved me, fought for me. Just because I had a crappy upbringing doesn't mean he wasn't there. I am better for it. I think he knew that. I am stronger, wiser, more compassionate, better. I am better for it. and I thank him for giving me what I needed to get through it. For being there with me when I didn't know how to stand. For carrying me when I had been through enough. How beautiful is the love of the Father. How precious. How wonderful. Nothing compares to his love. Even when i shove him aside and say I know better, I really think he walks with me onto the path I've chosen to make sure when i scrap my knee, he can kiss it better and bandage me up to continue. He can point things out I never would have noticed had he not been there. He can constantly whisper his love for me, always hoping that I would walk the path he's chosen for me. Never have I known such love. Love like that does not throw me into the proverbial lions den and expect me in my own abilities to make it out. I was designed to be loved by someone bigger than me. I was made in his image, made to need him. I was always supposed to rely on him. I cannot do it on my own, he is my Savior. Saviors do not just cause pain. He did everything to make me better for it. And I am better for it.

--Jackie

The shack

I've been reading that book, the shack and its amazing. Its changing my life. well.. alot of books change my life. *random thought* i think i wanna buy a kindle. I'd like lots of books on it. * anyways. The shack. lifechanging. it makes me feel things i havent felt since i first met jesus. It brings me back. lets me remember how beautiful i thought god was. How intimate we were. And i traded my love for things like bitterness, hate, hypocracy, judgement... sin. why didnt i guard it? why did i let what people had to say about me and my relationship with jesus affect it? There is a verse in the bible that says, and above all else, guard your heart. Well. me and my heart have always been at opposing sides of the field. I doubt i've ever fully trusted my heart but on a few occasions. therefore it is easy for me to understand why i wouldn't have guarded it. It doesnt seem to be that important. I think i just allow too much in and haven't been very good with boundaries- for my heart that is.

I have spent alot of time lately looking at god and who he is. and i realized, when the focus really is on him, the bitterness goes away, the anger fades, the resentment is mended and I see that fiercly loving god that i met when i first started this walk with him. I see beauty and power and i am in love and amazed and in awe at how big and powerful yet sweet and tender he really is. its like the bad melts off me when I am focusing on him. I get that verse now. "seek first the kingdom of god and all else will be given to you"


something inside my heart is changing. choices are being made. life is being birthed into me again. the life he wants for me. A life of the girl who he created to be loved, being lived as one who is loved.

--jackie

dinner and memories

I made a grilled cheese sandwich tonight, taking careful precautions to get just enough butter on all sides of the bread so it comes out perfect.  I added just enough cheese, on the perfect bread and put it on medium heat in hopes of what should have been the perfect sandwich.  I however, became distracted and let the sandwich sit too long on the burner, allowing burning smoke to fly into my nasal cavity and the entire side was burned black by the time i got to it.  Disgusted, i threw the sandwich into the sink and ran cold water over it until it became a soggy mess of congealed, black, bread – the hope of a wonderful desire. 

Again, I attempted to make a sandwich.  But because I was so frustrated at the first attempt, I didn't put much care into the second sandwich.  I spread the butter haphazardly, threw the cheese on crooked and the pan was already too hot by the time I threw it down.  I however, stood at attention to my sandwich watching it brown with just the right amount of time on each side and it became the best tasting desire I had hoped for. 

Now I tell this story because it is a metaphor into how relationships have happened in my life. the first, I tried everything to make the end result perfect and I let the security of promise entice me into forgetting to watch it brown.  I was drawn back from distraction by the subtle smell of danger that curled from the bottom of my now ruined sandwich.  Alas though, I discovered it too late and it was destroyed.  I threw it in the sink and cooled it, but there was no fixing it now. After a couple seconds of lamenting the loss of my desire, I threw it away only to remember it while writing this blog.

The second, I jumped into entirely too fast.  In the midst of the first sandwich and without the caution of perfection I could have burned the sandwich but I carefully attended to it.  Hoping to recover my loss. the second sandwich ended up amazing and everything I had wanted.  The thing I ask myself now, is, if i had only attended to the first sandwich, would it have indeed been better? or, does it all taste the same whether perfect looking or not?

Neither question could be answered, for the first sandwich has gone and the second has fulfilled my desire.  With only the question remaining, am I tempted to find out?  No.  Why?  Because the second, although imperfect tasted just as it should have. 

Therefore, I conclude with the logical response that sandwiches, like relationships don’t have to be perfectly planned, for anything, ANYTHING could ruin all hopes of the future. but relationships in which imperfection is allowed to exist but watched and cheered into the best it can be, can taste just as amazing as the hopes of the perfect sandwich. I also must conclude, that maybe the perfect sandwich or relationship lies in the imperfection but delightful tastes that butter, cheese and bread can only bring regardless of how haphazardly thrown together.

-Jackie

Passions to live for

I work with a woman who lives across the hall from her grandchildren.  aside from the fact that the family drives her insane, she loves one of them.  thats right, just one. there are two beautiful little girls that live across the hall; one gets love, blind acceptance, gifts, forgiveness – 100%.  The other however, gets all the blame, yelled and fussed at, is given gifts begrudgingly and plays alone most of the time.  One girl is rotten, the other isn’t.  I’ll bet you can’t guess which one is which.  The older girl, the one who plays alone is beautiful and polite and desires love and acceptance.  The youngest, is a brat to say the least. Watching these girls get the attention from their grandmother makes me understand why God allows his children to be disciplined. I don’t want to be a spoiled brat, I don’t want to act like the youngest.  I don’t want to live my entire life never learning to be dependant. 

I want to take the girl away.  I want to show her love and acceptance and raise her. I want to cherish younger children, who don’t have love at home.  I don’t know if its something I want to do or will do in my life.  but i know its a passion worth living for

-jackie

Accomplishments are a bittersweet thing

I remember when i first started blogging on this site and I had just graduated.  I went on to explain everything I would have once accomplished with my schooling.  I just finished. I have it all, and all i thought about was my mom never saw it happen.  Im pretty sure she knew it would happen, but she didn’t get to see the finality of the completion. 

Although I feel happy and.. odd that my school days are finished (for now), I realized that every good thing that happens to me, I can never share with her.  how… sad.  But that doesn’t stop my from rejoycing.  Its more a sad moment within the happy, which in a strange perspective, I am remembering my mom and rejoycing in her life when I miss her.  I dont know.  I recently talked to a woman of much wisdom.  SHe has been going through alot of crap this year and watching her grow from it inspires me to stop being a baby and walk.  she said “ Yes, I am not okay right now, I am allowed to let my emotions do their thing and I can be upset and hurt and angry and sad but I cannot let how I feel destroy my life. It will become a part of me, but will not be me”  Holy cow. I wanna live that.  I want to get that. really get that.

Im done. I got my double major, my TESL certificate and my CNA. Its my very own schooling tailored to specifically my interests.

I was praying last night about how scary it is to actually put your schooling into practice.  But how silly it would be not to.  I am almost terrified to go be a missionary, I lack the confidence to teach english as a second language, and fear messing something up as a CNA.  I am so tired of being chained down by fear.  God teach me to be brave.  God use me.

-Jackie