Don't judge, im not there yet

It is really easy to judge someone’s life.  It is easy to judge someone’s actions – especially if you are not inside and cannot understand why they do specific things.  It is SO easy to assume that because you have lived, they must follow the same set of rules you do.  I have been immensely humbled over the past couple days by this realization.  

For myself, when things go wrong – I hide away.  I separate myself from other people and spend time just processing.   I didn’t always used to be like that.  Things rolled off my back fairly easily.  However, now I tend to overthink and process what I can from the situation.  This has either come from becoming older or for the sake of this post, is probably from the myriad of things I have experienced since those days of rolling off the back.  You see, I don’t actually think things rolled off my back, I think I ignored them and now I process and move on.   

The point I am trying to make is that those people who do things differently than  you, do it because they have been through their own set of circumstances.  Some, I can understand and evaluate with accurate clarity and others, I couldn’t fathom if I tried.  I responded to circumstances differently a few years ago and It would be important to note that perhaps when you see that person you are judging so veheminitly, you have met them at a time in their lives where they don’t really know what they are doing.   Like, REALLY understand what they are doing.  Perhaps, you have met someone acting illogical and silly and maybe they are still processing.  Maybe they are sorting through their baggage at the time.  Maybe, they’ve given up and don’t know it yet.  Perhaps, they just haven’t found their strength.  

Next time you come across someone who is acting outside the normal parameters of decent social custom, possibly remember that we are all at different stages in our life.  The best self we can be is not something that we achieve lightly.   Being the person we desire comes from a burning process if I may.  We walk through our experiences the best we can.  After all, there is no life manual.  Learn to forgive.  Learn to let hurt go.   Learn to give grace even if you think it is not rightfully deserved.  Learn to see past the mistakes and see the person.  Learn to listen past the angry and hear the hurt.  Learn to be patient when that person you dislike comes around.  Learn to look past the façade.  Can we learn to appreciate baggage?  Baggage is obviously unnecessary but the reality is that we are products of our surroundings, upbringing, parental style, desires, etc etc etc.. we see the world through the lenses we established while we walked through our childhood, our fights, our sorrows.  We are forever changed by this world and it is a continuous process.  We are on this journey together and we meet at different times in our lives.   Lets not waste the experience and take the best we can from it.  

--his beloved.

dancing in the stars - A journey to rediscover my faith

There are moments in time that you cannot get back.  Moments you didn’t even know you were making.  These moments that open up your soul for one brief moment and climb inside and change you.  These moments are what make up the very best of who we are.

I recently watched the movie wild where Reese witherspoon plays a woman who made a bunch of bad choices after her mom passed away and she literally had no where else to turn.  She decided to hike almost the entire pacific crest trail – because why the hell not.  She was a beginning hiker and she was either really brave or gloriously stupid.  I like to go with strong.  Anyways, she ends up making it and helping herself get out of her hurts and the pain she was struggling with. 

As I was watching this movie, I just kept thinking “ I totally understand why you did this” I really understood her.  I make silly choices that seem asinine to everyone else around me but I do them for me.  I get myself.  I understand why I need to do whatever I have chosen to do. She is a freaking rock star in my mind. 

I struggle with baggage – and a lot of it.  I have spent many years of my life sorting through and labeling it, moving it around to better places in my soul and occasionally, I let some of it go but mostly, I hold it in a tightly locked room where no one can come in and mess with all my hard work.  My work to understand my life: To understand why my mom wasn’t around when I needed her. To understand why I got to be the recipient of a man taking his pleasure out on a child.  Why I am still a child in some form in my head.  Why I never took enough pills, messed around with enough people, never cut deep enough, drank black enough to forget or get the feeling of filth off me.  Why I couldn’t ever be just enough. Why I can’t ever just be enough in my head.   I am chased by my demons. Childhood memories that I sit close to and acknowledge – knowing that we are old acquaintances and begrudgingly holding hands with each other. I am constantly processing.  Constantly re-evaluating.  These moments have made me.  I am the beautiful person I am because of them and even though a lot of those memories were dark and sad, I am bright and vibrant now and I wouldn’t change it. 

I understand why it took a 1,000 mile hike to clear her head.  I 100% get it.

As I watched this movie, something inside me split open.  I have been desiring something.  Something to re aline my soul with creation.  Get into nature.  I was planning on hiking some hiking trails around here but it wasn’t big enough.  I want to hike that damn trail now.  Not because I am crazy, foolish or “need a mental check” but because I want to do something marvelous and be marvelous and remember that I am just a small part of this huge story. It will happen but first I want to revisit a place where I was and wasn't at the same time..

Let me regroup so you understand my passion.

I hiked a mountain in college.  I hiked it with my boyfriend at the time and since our messy break up, those memories have been tucked away in a “those years” folder in my head.  But as I watched this movie, a memory came to me like a whisper and finally a raging train.  There was one of those moments that I was describing during this trip.  We had hiked all day to get to the top of this old building, super cool building.  And I remember it was cold.  Dark and cold and we didn’t have anything left to do so we hunkered down to go to bed when dammit, I had to pee.  I was a little nervous going outside by myself but I didn’t want to ask anyone to come with me so I walked to the little potty made down a ways from the hut and stopped.  I don’t know that I can describe it to do justice.  I was surrounded by the biggest mountains, stars and valleys I had ever seen.  The wind was cold and bit into my face and skin as I took in my surroundings.  The mountains were all around us. So incredibly big that It felt like we could keep walking them with ease. The stars were so bright that I felt like I was standing in the midst of them just dancing in them.  They surrounded me like fireflies – I was more than myself in that moment.  I was one with creation and creator.  It was magical. 

That feeling is what I am after.  The feeling of being so small and so big at the same time.  Of being in such a place that the beauty can ONLY be a memory that cant quite be shared because there are no words.  I do not want words.  I want to go and throw myself to the creation and find a key to my room I guard so closely and let it loose.  I want to discover what living life would be like just me and the world.  I want to be brave and face myself (in a new kind of way)  I kind of feel like that’s all you can do on a trail so long.  I want to be dancing in the stars again. Awestruck by wonder and sure of my being. 

So I will.  I have decided.  I will find this mountain from college and conquer it again by myself.  I want to rejuvenate my soul and duke it out with my creator.  I wanna go head to head with God and either come down changed or come down disappointed but I always find God on top of the hills. In the stars. In nature.  I need to go find God. And I will. 

--his beloved

He didn't find him in the storm.. he found him in the whispers

I have been away from God for a very very long time.  I went to church this Sunday, and the pastor talked about Jesus leaving the 99 sheep behind to go recover the one lost sheep.  His message meant to talk to those who do no understand that they are WORTH being recovered.  However, I focused on one tiny little detail he said.  Maybe the sheep didn't know how to get back. 

You know, if I was being honest, I would tell you that I haven't exactly made up my mind about how I feel towards the whole God thing.  But I do know that somewhere deep in my heart, my soul is screaming to run to Jesus.  See, the thing is - I really DONT know how I feel about things.  Like, why God lets the good man die and the bad man live.  Why God allows Dementia, hurt and disease - i mean I kind of understand - sort of. But I dont.  I do not understand God. 

However, I do know this.  If you read about Jesus, you can know that he was pretty kick ass. All he wanted was to love and bring people to God.  He wasn't the one condemning, hurting, stealing -- he came to give life and not just "being alive" but life to the full (john 10:10) Jesus was the OG - the original gansta, the real shiz, Jesus was legit.  He believed what he said and he said what he meant.  Jesus, is someone to admire, follow and emulate.  Now for this girl, I believe the bible is the real word of God and I happen to believe that Jesus is God so my heart screams to know her creator.

My heart screams to get back to an equilibrium state. My heart cries to know something.  At the risk of sounding so hokey and hippyish and super modern age - I must say that my heart longs to get back to the basics, be one with the universe, see the sky without the dilluted light pollution.  I am trying to find words for the feeling of wanting to fine tune my soul.  I want to get the shit out of it and cleanse myself.  I want to find Jesus in the stars, I need to get into nature.  I need to strip the crap from my soul and just get back to the basics.  I desire this.  I crave this.  I need this.  Just like I am craving Jesus.

I have spent a long time self actualizing.   I feel really good about myself.  I know the depths of my weaknesses, the hurts, the pains. I know the joys and smiles and quirks of myself.  But I have this feeling like I've gotten as far as I can and now I need to simplify.  Get out of my head.  I need to get back to the basics and I think when I do that, I will find my hearts cry.  I will find the essence I am craving. 

1 kings 19 11 - 13
 So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?

Something is tugging my heart.  The only logical response is to follow it. Unwrapping your heart is one of the funnest, scariest, dirtiest, exciting and emotional expriences anyone can do - I recommend you do it.  Find yourself. Discover yourself. 

When you have discovered what may seem everything, your heart will lead you down to another pathway and you may discover that you didn't know anything at all. All I know, is that I MUST follow my heart and follow its leading.  I know something is gonna be good at the end.

-his beloved.