dinner and memories

I made a grilled cheese sandwich tonight, taking careful precautions to get just enough butter on all sides of the bread so it comes out perfect.  I added just enough cheese, on the perfect bread and put it on medium heat in hopes of what should have been the perfect sandwich.  I however, became distracted and let the sandwich sit too long on the burner, allowing burning smoke to fly into my nasal cavity and the entire side was burned black by the time i got to it.  Disgusted, i threw the sandwich into the sink and ran cold water over it until it became a soggy mess of congealed, black, bread – the hope of a wonderful desire. 

Again, I attempted to make a sandwich.  But because I was so frustrated at the first attempt, I didn't put much care into the second sandwich.  I spread the butter haphazardly, threw the cheese on crooked and the pan was already too hot by the time I threw it down.  I however, stood at attention to my sandwich watching it brown with just the right amount of time on each side and it became the best tasting desire I had hoped for. 

Now I tell this story because it is a metaphor into how relationships have happened in my life. the first, I tried everything to make the end result perfect and I let the security of promise entice me into forgetting to watch it brown.  I was drawn back from distraction by the subtle smell of danger that curled from the bottom of my now ruined sandwich.  Alas though, I discovered it too late and it was destroyed.  I threw it in the sink and cooled it, but there was no fixing it now. After a couple seconds of lamenting the loss of my desire, I threw it away only to remember it while writing this blog.

The second, I jumped into entirely too fast.  In the midst of the first sandwich and without the caution of perfection I could have burned the sandwich but I carefully attended to it.  Hoping to recover my loss. the second sandwich ended up amazing and everything I had wanted.  The thing I ask myself now, is, if i had only attended to the first sandwich, would it have indeed been better? or, does it all taste the same whether perfect looking or not?

Neither question could be answered, for the first sandwich has gone and the second has fulfilled my desire.  With only the question remaining, am I tempted to find out?  No.  Why?  Because the second, although imperfect tasted just as it should have. 

Therefore, I conclude with the logical response that sandwiches, like relationships don’t have to be perfectly planned, for anything, ANYTHING could ruin all hopes of the future. but relationships in which imperfection is allowed to exist but watched and cheered into the best it can be, can taste just as amazing as the hopes of the perfect sandwich. I also must conclude, that maybe the perfect sandwich or relationship lies in the imperfection but delightful tastes that butter, cheese and bread can only bring regardless of how haphazardly thrown together.

-Jackie

Passions to live for

I work with a woman who lives across the hall from her grandchildren.  aside from the fact that the family drives her insane, she loves one of them.  thats right, just one. there are two beautiful little girls that live across the hall; one gets love, blind acceptance, gifts, forgiveness – 100%.  The other however, gets all the blame, yelled and fussed at, is given gifts begrudgingly and plays alone most of the time.  One girl is rotten, the other isn’t.  I’ll bet you can’t guess which one is which.  The older girl, the one who plays alone is beautiful and polite and desires love and acceptance.  The youngest, is a brat to say the least. Watching these girls get the attention from their grandmother makes me understand why God allows his children to be disciplined. I don’t want to be a spoiled brat, I don’t want to act like the youngest.  I don’t want to live my entire life never learning to be dependant. 

I want to take the girl away.  I want to show her love and acceptance and raise her. I want to cherish younger children, who don’t have love at home.  I don’t know if its something I want to do or will do in my life.  but i know its a passion worth living for

-jackie

Accomplishments are a bittersweet thing

I remember when i first started blogging on this site and I had just graduated.  I went on to explain everything I would have once accomplished with my schooling.  I just finished. I have it all, and all i thought about was my mom never saw it happen.  Im pretty sure she knew it would happen, but she didn’t get to see the finality of the completion. 

Although I feel happy and.. odd that my school days are finished (for now), I realized that every good thing that happens to me, I can never share with her.  how… sad.  But that doesn’t stop my from rejoycing.  Its more a sad moment within the happy, which in a strange perspective, I am remembering my mom and rejoycing in her life when I miss her.  I dont know.  I recently talked to a woman of much wisdom.  SHe has been going through alot of crap this year and watching her grow from it inspires me to stop being a baby and walk.  she said “ Yes, I am not okay right now, I am allowed to let my emotions do their thing and I can be upset and hurt and angry and sad but I cannot let how I feel destroy my life. It will become a part of me, but will not be me”  Holy cow. I wanna live that.  I want to get that. really get that.

Im done. I got my double major, my TESL certificate and my CNA. Its my very own schooling tailored to specifically my interests.

I was praying last night about how scary it is to actually put your schooling into practice.  But how silly it would be not to.  I am almost terrified to go be a missionary, I lack the confidence to teach english as a second language, and fear messing something up as a CNA.  I am so tired of being chained down by fear.  God teach me to be brave.  God use me.

-Jackie

Be thou my vision

Be thou my vision
oh Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me
save that thou art
Thou my best thought
by day or by night
waking or sleeping
thy presence my light

I was listening to this song in my car while I was driving today and I began thinking about where I am at in life.  I can honestly tell you that without God’s direction in my life, I would be completely lost.  I also know that I fight him every step of the way.  I am terrified to put my trust in a God that I cannot see.  I hate that I MUST trust this God though, because without him, I cannot be.   I want so desperately to be able to jump when he says jump, go when he says go and trust him despite the uncertainty. 

Be thou my wisdom
and thou my true word
thy ever with thee
and thou with me Lord
thou my great father
and I thy true son
thou in me dwelling
and I with thee one

I have wandered off this narrow path we Christians like to talk about.  although I am not doing anything crazy, I am more wandering off the path with my heart. There is so much I don’t know or understand, and rather than walk through it in faith, i revert to myself and trust what I know best, not what he knows best.  I have to constantly remind myself that God is infinity smarter than me. But, arrogant that I am, that fact is constantly forgotten.  I mention my path abandoning because I still feel Jesus walking with me.  I kind of see it like this.  Jesus hates sin.  I am walking in a path riddled with sin.  Jesus loves me. I still love Jesus. Jesus walks with me even though i walk through muck. I hope that’s theologically sound. Because I just know that I love him, and I feel him all around me, even though I am trying to do life my own way instead of his way.

Riches I heed not
nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine inheritance
now and always
thou and thou only
first in my heart
high king of heaven
my treasure thou art

I want what this verse sings about.  I desire with so much to have it. I want to make Jesus first in my life, because I have experienced what life is like when I do. I know how to get there too. how peaceful and rewarding life is when its done his way.  Ive tried it my way MANY times. Many many times. and it is SO possible but also SO much more difficult.

High king of heaven
my victory won
May i reach heavens joys
oh bright heav’ns son
heart of my own heart
whatever befall
still be my vision
Oh ruler of all

I write not to give myself away. I write from the heart. I write to tell of my continuing process of salvation.  to write of the ease in my heart straying from him. To write of my broken humanity.  To write of his ever enduring love.  I write because I love him so passionately, so deeply, and yet, I still find it hard to trust him, to obey him, and to follow his commands. I write in vulnerability. I write with passion.  I write because I want him to be my vision.

Ive been wanting to be a bone marrow donor for forever, and i watched an episode of extreme makeover and decided i would. This is the first step :)

Dear Mom,

It's been 7 months, 18 days since I last heard your voice. I miss you alot. even though we didnt talk much those last 5 months, you being alive was like a quiet strength i used to keep my head high and my heart strong. I've learned not to lean on people anymore. they go away, ya know? You know I was talking to someone the other day and they say your store has gone to crap since you've been gone. Nothing has been stocked. I know you would be happy and frusterated by that news. More happy, i hope. I wanted so bad to just channel up there wherever you are and tell you. I hope your enjoying it. I wish i was with you. SOmetimes, Life is so hard and confusing when your doing it without the things that made you strong. I found your old journal about God. its pretty inspiriing. i wish I could feel your skin and see your face. look in your eyes and braid your hair or something. death and greif is such a... hopeless feeling. i feel hopeless. death. hurts so bad. and i cant control or fix this one. your gone and thats just how it is. will the break in my heart ever go away? Im almost finished with my CNA class. I take my state exam on the 19th. hopefully I can go work at the Denali Center as a CNA. You inspired that in me you know. anyways.. i desperately miss you.

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.


Requiem

--Jackie

love

For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him, shall not perish but have everlasting life - John 3:16

What do I even know about love? I know how to love others.. I know how to be love for others.. but i dont know how to accept love. Someone told me once that God brags about me. I ask: to who? and why? Someone once told me, God melts when he looks at you. I ask: how does that work, and why? I dont know how to accept love. I don't know if i'll ever be able to accept it. Love wasn't something prevailiant in my life. Love.. came after i met Christ. but even then. why? WHy would you love me? why would you send your son to die for this wretch? why? I believe he did it, but why?

God, is love. I just dont get love. I mean, i see it. I do, i really do. in my church and pastors that care for me even when im a jerk, and love me despite all I do. I know it, ive felt it, I just have a hard time processing it. Its been on my mind for the past couple days. Someone once told me that I need to love myself before I can properly love others. I think they might be true. I just pray God shows me how to accept it. maybe the first moment of acceptance is loving myself? im just not sure.

-jackie

My heart cries to fly

  I’ve been sitting in a pit (proverbially of course) of mud.  I knew i should have gotten up and cleaned myself off, but the effort of the whole thing seemed too hard to attempt.  In fact, the mud didn’t seem too bad. The mud almost seemed comfortable.  The more i sat in it, the less I wanted to walk into the sunshine, enjoy smelling flowers and other cool things people who don’t sit in proverbially mud pits do.  The reality of it is, I was tired.  so tired.  too tired.  I didn’t want to push myself anymore. I didn’t want to hear God cheering me on.  I turned everything off and sat.  what a life to live. 

Funny thing about sitting in mud pits however, is that Jesus didn’t make us to sit in mud pits.  He came that we may have life and have it to the full.  there was nothing full about my mud pit lifestyle except me.  I was full of myself.  Anyways, through a series of events and unhappiness at my pit life, a couple hands reached down and picked me up despite my better efforts and warding them off.

Guess what?  I like standing outside the mud.  Although i learned tons in the pit, im learning even more out of it.  there is only so much you can learn about your situation before there is nothing left to learn.  Strangely, the pit life sucked me of passion and excitement.  The desires that make me me, withered to nothing.. but now.. Oh now.. My heart is crying again. 
Not a bad crying.  now, my heart cries to fly.  God i want to fly away to lands with strange food and animals, people that dont look or think like me, and i want to learn from them and teach them about living outside the pit.  teach them about living to fly. 

John 10:10 ~ I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full, I have not come into the world to condemn the world, but to save it.

livin in the pit?  take a chance and try to stand.  the perspective up here is alot better, I promise.

--Jackie

The beauty of my home

Its summer time.  that means people come home to where they have been for various reasons like school, work, seasonal jobs, vacations (year long?).  Because i have been home, I have gotten to see many of these summer visitations.  I have gotten to visit with beautiful people. it being summer, i also get to look at all the beautiful things that have given way to life. trees, 9 months dead, now green with life.

This past couple weeks, well actually, all summer, have smothered Alaska with smoke from the many thousands of acres burning from forest fires. recently however, the smoke has been close to Fairbanks, where I currently reside. Visibility in the city sucks.

 

  

 

Anyways, I went with my youth group to Denali National Park on a yearly camping trip called CCC (short for communist chipmunk camp) [don’t ask why that’s what its called ha-ha] And there was NO smoke and the sun was even out.  It was the most glorious thing i have ever seen.

  

 

 

 

 

Savage River!

 

 

 

Tori and I

 

 

The beauty of Denali National Park!

 

 

Anyways, I REALLY appreciated the sun and no smoke and seeing how pretty everything was that it just made me appreciate it so much more. its kinda like that with the crappy things in life. That’s all you see when its happening. But when it lifts, whenever that is, you appreciate the beauty way more than if the crap hadn’t been there.

if everything was good in our lives, i don’t think we’d appreciate it nearly as much as we do after we experience crap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

that wind that blows me home

I am sitting in the parking lot at a place called Alaska land. well technically, its called Pioneer Park but anyone who has lived in Fairbanks their entire lives know what its really called.  regardless, I am in my beautiful busted reconstructed Ford Explorer with the windows down at 11 at night and the wind is blowing through one window and out the other. 

Ever since I can remember, I have connected with the wind in my life.  Not in a super spiritual way but it has always seemed to calm me down in my anger, bring peace in my pain, and remind me in my loneliness.

Tonight, as i sit here with words upon words in my head i am brought peace.  The wind goes everywhere.  No matter where i go it will be there.  Kinda the same thing with god.  I have been going back and forth, up and down thinking about who god is to me.  my life. my purpose.  But its comforting to know that no matter where i am, just like the wind, god is there.

--Jackie

The home of the Last Frontier

 

I am currently living back in Alaska.  Every time I come home, i am in awe at what i have left behind.  I am captured by every sunset, every rain, every drunk native, every single cultural difference from Seattle.  God, I love it here.  Alaska is where I grew up, Alaska is my home.  Recently, I thought to make Alaska my home forever while I do missions work.  Go and come go and come.

But then, I remember the beauty that I left behind.  Seattle.  beautiful Seattle.  the busyness, the bus lines, the people (oh the people!), the rain, the lakes, and how pretty spring is when those heavenly cherry blossoms bloom and the wind blows those delicate pink petals all over the state.  Its magical.

And then, Egypt.  Hot, beautiful, Egypt.   I know I only lived there for 2 months, but i miss it something fierce.  It wasn't the most aesthetically pleasing place to live and sometimes when the wind picked up really hard, i smelled something pungent.  But the people are loving and sweet, and the culture screams of something complexly foreign to me, but i would go back if i could.  I miss seeing the beaten up old taxi’s everywhere.  I miss the fruit stands and the constant jibber of Arabic and myself straining to understand some of it.  I miss getting inside our flat after being stuck in traffic and turning on the air conditioner.  I even miss the food and the annoying men catcalling.  Not because i need that for some kind of personal enrichment, but because Egypt wouldn’t be Egypt without them.  :).   What i miss the most however, is making memories in a new place and holding them with me forever.

I will live many places in my lifetime.  I may never come back to Alaska, or go visit Egypt. I may never again see the beautiful Seattle skyline, but i do know that living in a new place always comes with the pros.  I love it.  I am so excited to venture out and discover more and more of the beautiful places in on this globe.  I will fall in love and build relationships, make memories and then move away and start again.  its the beauty of life. until then however, I am stationed here in this glorious state of Alaska, the home of the last frontier.

--Jackie

Graduation!

 

          I stood watching the class of 2008 walk down to the stage last year while i waited with the rest of the choir to sing that year’s graduation songs.  I felt a beating deep in my chest.. something stirring me to overwhelming emotion. 

             This year, I stood with my class while i prepared to walk down the isle to receive the little folder stating I would be graduating.  I had been squealing all day but when it came time to walk, i grew quiet (as i do in all situations of intense unknown) and all I could say was thank you.  God.  Thank you.  My biggest cheerleader.  The one who lead me this way.  My coach, My protector.  My deliverer.  The one who held my hand while my fiancé and I broke up in junior year, The one who carried me when my mom died my senior year.  The one who never gave up on me. 

              Sure, I was proud of myself, but really.. All I was thinking was my deepest thanks to my Lord.  God, why are you so good to me?  Why did you give me such great dreams to live and let me see unfold before my eyes?  God what else will I do with your help?  The dreams that swirl around my head sparkle with the idea that they could actually come true.  Most importantly, God.. you told me before this even happened that it would indeed happen.  Why would you be so honest and revealing to someone who messes so many things up?  God.. Thank you for helping me get through school.  For making a bridge for me to cross stormy waters. God.. seriously.. Thank you for never giving up on me and walking with me every step of the way. 

            There is something beautiful and intimate about a God who watches you accomplish the dreams he put in your heart in the first place, knowing that he didn’t just send you away and come to graduation when you had finished.. No.. He walked with me.. and those times i couldn’t even Walk.. HE CARRIED ME.  I could have never gotten this far without his loving embrace.  never got across that stage to grab that blue folder. Never would have received that prize everyone keeps talking about. I am currently continuing my education here at Northwest University to receive my TESL (teaching English as a second language) certificate.  Then on to Alaska, to hopefully complete my CNA (certified nursing license) and my license to preach.. Then I will hopefully make the 9 and a half hour trip to beautiful Japan and teach English for a year.

            what does God have for me after that?  I don’t know.. but i am not in need and I am not scared.  He got me across that stage, he got me through some of the toughest times of life.. He will show me which way to go. 

Isaiah 30:21 says Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."  and he is so right

 

--Jackie

A gossipy world makes me keep my mouth shut

 

Since my mom’s death I have spent quite a lot of time withdrawing from the people around me and observing how the world works.  Generally, this action makes me a tad bit depressed but in my current situation, it’s a bit freeing. 

Upon my time of quietness, I have observed something that makes my stomach churn.  As a Christian, it makes me sick and I get so frustrated. The people that Gossip.  I am certainly not freed of guilt in this area but I would say that I work my butt off to make sure nothing escapes my lips.  I was in a friend of mine’s room and I listened as she made a phone call describing for a long time how this lady did this, or why she won’t do that.  She talked about how she felt her life was bad because she seemed like the kind of person who stayed out all night partying.  This confuses me.  Why should this woman be the point of attack behind her back because her lifestyle is different from that of another? 

I went to lunch with a couple of friends of mine and listened as they talked and made fun of another person because of their personal view of watching sex in movies.  I will admit that I didn’t stick up for her and just succumbed to quietness and that isn’t something I want to turn into a habit.  However, I was so frustrated.  So so frustrated.  this is why.

Jesus calls us to love one another.  He calls us to carry each other's burdens.  To help each other out, to be a family.  A real family lives to love and support one another.   A real family shouldn’t put each other down when they talk about its members.  I am hesitant to ever share anything in my life with anyone in this world, or my church because I don’t want my personal business that I share with someone to be talked about. For a girl with trust problems, its hard enough as it is. Why do we gossip?  What is it about our lives that are so dull that we must talk about another’s?  I am so tired of not being able to tell anyone what i struggle with for fear of someone else talking about it behind my back.. I know that we live together as a community.  Whether small scale or large, and my story can become apart of your story and your story can become a part of my story and that isn’t what I'm arguing against.  I’m arguing for the love and respect of my peers, my church body, my friends.  It just seems right to not blab someone else’s business.  Cuz i mean, if I wanted them to know.. Wouldn’t I have told them?

 

--Jackie

Planet in Peril

I am watching a CNN expose’  about the things happening in this world that are bad.  I turned on the TV so I could understand the extent of the swine flu and it was on.  From viruses from bush meat in africa, the Mend militant group in Nigeria, and lead poisioning in the children in Peru, I am left feeling hopeless and a little despairing.  Why is this world so hard, and why is it SO bad? 

Recently, God has been showing me a lot of things about him, about me, and about where God wants to send me.  I have been feeling an incessant urging to  rise above where I am living.  To become the woman of God he has called me to be.  Not that I haven't been living that calling, but I feel like the intensity has gotten higher. I want to do the things God has told me I will do. I want to travel to all the countries laid out for me, I want the missions calling to be tangible.  real.  I want it to be more than an idea or great dream.  I want it to be my reality and I feel like God is making that happen. 

I say all this to say that when I watch such programs like the CNN planet in Peril expose’ I am helpless sitting here in front of my computer.  Sitting here in school. In Washington.  I am helpless as me.  I just pray and pray that things can get better but the situation seems so big, and my prayers so small.  But then as I write this, I realize how self involved that thinking is.  This situation is above me.  I can only do what has been put in my life to do.  Be faithful with the things that enter into my life. Pray and pray and know God is hearing me.  God hurts for this world more than I could ever imagine.

Being a missionary is the one thing that I can honestly say I want to do for the rest of my life.  It just seems hard and hopeless when the entire world is so big and I am only one girl. God, I am glad you are bigger than this.

 

--jackie

The First one!

Seriously?  I have a million blogs and a million places to write my thoughts, and this one will be the most public i think. Outside my facebook, myspace (www.myspace.com/justjackie77) and this I have a lot of things to upload posts to. 

SO what’s happening in my life right now?  Well, A lot. I am about to graduate in a month, I will get my TESL in 2 months and then fly to Alaska to live for like 8ish months and then i plan on headin over to Japan to Teach English.  I feel so excited. I feel like I have spent so much money on my schooling and I feel so accomplished with what I will have by the time I get to Japan.  Lets write it out

• A double Major in Missions and Biblical Studies
• A certificate to teach English as a second language (TESL)
• My CNA
• as per the job I want to acquire while in Alaska, My Red Cross and First Aid certifications.

All for the low low price of .. well a lot. haha Anyways, I am excited because after Japan.. I hope to go over to Africa eventually to do my great missions work. I want to do missionary work in Africa SO Bad! my blood like screams for it… I jes gotta keep telling myself eventually, eventually. 

                

The only other thing that’s happening in my life is the loss of my mom. Its hard. Some days I am fine.. and then others, I am not. I miss her already and I just want so bad to talk to her on the phone.  I do have a treasured voice mail of her voice that I have to find some way to get off so Verizon doesn’t delete it for some reason. 

                                                 

Anyways, Its on to more homework.. Im almost done! yey!

 

--Jackie