Be thou my vision

Be thou my vision
oh Lord of my heart
naught be all else to me
save that thou art
Thou my best thought
by day or by night
waking or sleeping
thy presence my light

I was listening to this song in my car while I was driving today and I began thinking about where I am at in life.  I can honestly tell you that without God’s direction in my life, I would be completely lost.  I also know that I fight him every step of the way.  I am terrified to put my trust in a God that I cannot see.  I hate that I MUST trust this God though, because without him, I cannot be.   I want so desperately to be able to jump when he says jump, go when he says go and trust him despite the uncertainty. 

Be thou my wisdom
and thou my true word
thy ever with thee
and thou with me Lord
thou my great father
and I thy true son
thou in me dwelling
and I with thee one

I have wandered off this narrow path we Christians like to talk about.  although I am not doing anything crazy, I am more wandering off the path with my heart. There is so much I don’t know or understand, and rather than walk through it in faith, i revert to myself and trust what I know best, not what he knows best.  I have to constantly remind myself that God is infinity smarter than me. But, arrogant that I am, that fact is constantly forgotten.  I mention my path abandoning because I still feel Jesus walking with me.  I kind of see it like this.  Jesus hates sin.  I am walking in a path riddled with sin.  Jesus loves me. I still love Jesus. Jesus walks with me even though i walk through muck. I hope that’s theologically sound. Because I just know that I love him, and I feel him all around me, even though I am trying to do life my own way instead of his way.

Riches I heed not
nor man’s empty praise
Thou mine inheritance
now and always
thou and thou only
first in my heart
high king of heaven
my treasure thou art

I want what this verse sings about.  I desire with so much to have it. I want to make Jesus first in my life, because I have experienced what life is like when I do. I know how to get there too. how peaceful and rewarding life is when its done his way.  Ive tried it my way MANY times. Many many times. and it is SO possible but also SO much more difficult.

High king of heaven
my victory won
May i reach heavens joys
oh bright heav’ns son
heart of my own heart
whatever befall
still be my vision
Oh ruler of all

I write not to give myself away. I write from the heart. I write to tell of my continuing process of salvation.  to write of the ease in my heart straying from him. To write of my broken humanity.  To write of his ever enduring love.  I write because I love him so passionately, so deeply, and yet, I still find it hard to trust him, to obey him, and to follow his commands. I write in vulnerability. I write with passion.  I write because I want him to be my vision.

Ive been wanting to be a bone marrow donor for forever, and i watched an episode of extreme makeover and decided i would. This is the first step :)

Dear Mom,

It's been 7 months, 18 days since I last heard your voice. I miss you alot. even though we didnt talk much those last 5 months, you being alive was like a quiet strength i used to keep my head high and my heart strong. I've learned not to lean on people anymore. they go away, ya know? You know I was talking to someone the other day and they say your store has gone to crap since you've been gone. Nothing has been stocked. I know you would be happy and frusterated by that news. More happy, i hope. I wanted so bad to just channel up there wherever you are and tell you. I hope your enjoying it. I wish i was with you. SOmetimes, Life is so hard and confusing when your doing it without the things that made you strong. I found your old journal about God. its pretty inspiriing. i wish I could feel your skin and see your face. look in your eyes and braid your hair or something. death and greif is such a... hopeless feeling. i feel hopeless. death. hurts so bad. and i cant control or fix this one. your gone and thats just how it is. will the break in my heart ever go away? Im almost finished with my CNA class. I take my state exam on the 19th. hopefully I can go work at the Denali Center as a CNA. You inspired that in me you know. anyways.. i desperately miss you.

13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. 14We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18Therefore encourage each other with these words.


Requiem

--Jackie