I am waiting, I am urning so bad, I am desiring. I am doing nothing about it.
This place I sit in is comfortable, its calm, I rule the cards - I created the deck, and when things get too hard, I ask for a TINY bit of help and rewrite the instructions, so it was always me that fixed it anyways. I am the master of my world and I dont want to leave it. I like to make my own choices and I like to do things MY way. I love that I have a savior to pull me out of trouble, but I am not being a servant, I am being the captian of my own ship.
Ironically, Jesus knew I would begin to feel lonely at the top (the top of my tiny little sinking ship). I think thats why he lets us do things our way, so that when we crash and burn (or feel empty inside) it isnt him saying I told you so, its us saying "you knew better than me" Jesus is awesome like that. I have been feeling a little empty for awhile. I like where my life is at but I am not so sure I am willing to stay on this path without Him. My desires buRN so deeply inside my chest.
I remember a time when I would pray and see heaven behind my eyelids. I remember a time when I would pray and trust that my prayer was answered. I remember a time when childlike faith was rewarded and I didnt care who thought I was ignorant because I was comforted by the love of the God I knew to be so real. I can still feel the touch of hands on my face, the smell of flowers all around me, the feel of grass in between my toes, the white dress and face of love in front of me. A secret place that I feel comfortable only vaguely mentioning. A special place in my heart and mind filled with an intimacy like nothing i've known in this world. Filled with something bigger than this earth carries. Filled with his face and the beating of his heart. I remember. thats the problem though. I shouldnt be just REMEMBERING I should be living.
Casting crowns said it good when they sang "its a slow fade, when you give yourself away" and I honestly believe that the biggest threat to the christian church really is Apathy. It is SO hard to come back from because not only do you not care enough to try but you cant seem to muster the courage to want to fight it. Its worse than being in chains, because even if you were - you wouldn't even care. Man. Apathy. Its a dark and calming place.
But if there is something that I know and believe with all my heart, it is that the Holy Spirit runs a path of fire, burning pain into the dead. Awakening the few things that would drive the heart back into the arms of love. why one would leave is beyond me, apparently being away is so much cooler. No, I know why I ran. I didnt want responsibility. I desired my own path. I desire it still. But something is stirring. Something is breathing my soul to flame. My little ember hidden in the dust is getting brighter. - maybe. I dont know. apathy.
The most beautiful thing I can say in this post is this. The HOLY Lord, Jesus - pure - completely pure, follows us around the sin we hold onto, finds a place to stay in our dirty hearts. This white, spotless beautiful God, chooses to stick it out, for better and worse - because we are for some unknown reason, loved by God. LOVED. not like "oh i love you so much" but LOVED. passionately, purposefully, desired, jealous, ravishingly LOVED. - He is the savior for a reason. Because we need him to save us, we cant do this on our own. Only he had the strength to birth and crucify Jesus, God incarnate to bring us back into his arms.
man, with a statement like that, you'd think one couldnt be apathetic. - unfortunately, Embarressingly, I still am.
His beloved.
rose
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Turn the music down and listen
I had the day off today, ironically, I still found myself at work doing employment classes. When I left, I took the bus ( because its free and goes right by my house :) not to mention the gas savings) and get to the transfer station only to find security holding a drunk man up against the wall. Now it is at this point that I remove the earbuds from my ears to eavesdrop on the situation while I wait for my connecting bus.
It would be pointless to describe the race of the man pinned to the wall, but for the sake of this post, i'll mention he was an Alaskan native. Where I live, we struggle with the "chronic inebriates" that the Daily News Miner (our local paper) has recently dubbed our local drunk population. I lived downtown for a couple years and I regret to say, the eyes begin to see past, the ears begin to block out and the mouth gets harder alongside the heart towards the inebriate population. It's also unfortunate to admit that the majority of the population happen to be Alaska natives. (not to offend my beautiful friends of Alaska that are indeed native).
The blue line pulls up as the security men convince the pinned man to enter the drunk tank van parked around back- and I change the song in my iPod. During the ride on my connecting bus, the people in front of me are currently discussing whose joint smells better and what would be the fairest trade of such products. The younger man's joint wins in the end and a trade of said joint and suspicious looking pill is traded wherein they commence joking and regaling each other with stories of nights barely remembered and fights lost on the weekend. I turn my iPod up.
It is then at that moment when I see how much I don't care about my people. Fairbanks is my home, the bus travelers my brothers, the man pinned to the wall, my uncle and the "chronic inebriates" my cousins. These are my people and I am dead with hopelessness on how to help. The thing is, sometimes, the problem is so overwhelming that the answer is nowhere in sight. The problem so big, that it's easier to turn up the iPod then take it out and join the conversation. I do not like feeling helpless, and I don't know how god can change something so desolate- but his word says he can, therefore I know it is possible. Could it be that people like me need to turn down their iPods and help?
I want to be a missionary, and I am ashamed at who I am. Jesus did not come to heal the healthy but the sick, but how will anyone know the power of Jesus of they have not heard? And most importantly, how will they hear when I cannot - no- will not turn down my iPod and open my ears and refocus my eyes?
I am only changed by his grace. Maybe the people I ride the bus with could be to. There are no lost causes.
His beloved
It would be pointless to describe the race of the man pinned to the wall, but for the sake of this post, i'll mention he was an Alaskan native. Where I live, we struggle with the "chronic inebriates" that the Daily News Miner (our local paper) has recently dubbed our local drunk population. I lived downtown for a couple years and I regret to say, the eyes begin to see past, the ears begin to block out and the mouth gets harder alongside the heart towards the inebriate population. It's also unfortunate to admit that the majority of the population happen to be Alaska natives. (not to offend my beautiful friends of Alaska that are indeed native).
The blue line pulls up as the security men convince the pinned man to enter the drunk tank van parked around back- and I change the song in my iPod. During the ride on my connecting bus, the people in front of me are currently discussing whose joint smells better and what would be the fairest trade of such products. The younger man's joint wins in the end and a trade of said joint and suspicious looking pill is traded wherein they commence joking and regaling each other with stories of nights barely remembered and fights lost on the weekend. I turn my iPod up.
It is then at that moment when I see how much I don't care about my people. Fairbanks is my home, the bus travelers my brothers, the man pinned to the wall, my uncle and the "chronic inebriates" my cousins. These are my people and I am dead with hopelessness on how to help. The thing is, sometimes, the problem is so overwhelming that the answer is nowhere in sight. The problem so big, that it's easier to turn up the iPod then take it out and join the conversation. I do not like feeling helpless, and I don't know how god can change something so desolate- but his word says he can, therefore I know it is possible. Could it be that people like me need to turn down their iPods and help?
I want to be a missionary, and I am ashamed at who I am. Jesus did not come to heal the healthy but the sick, but how will anyone know the power of Jesus of they have not heard? And most importantly, how will they hear when I cannot - no- will not turn down my iPod and open my ears and refocus my eyes?
I am only changed by his grace. Maybe the people I ride the bus with could be to. There are no lost causes.
His beloved
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