I'm getting divorced. I am 31 years old and restarting my entire life from scratch. I don't have the hope of making a family with my partner any more, I surrendered my claim on the dogs, I've lived with a friend for 5 months while I saved money to break out of and renew my reality all while getting divorced from a man I thought I'd shared my whole life with.
The story is a jumbled mess - one for another time, when I have been able to sort through the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle
I called my marriage. I can't properly articulate that mess right now but what I can say is that I am getting divorced. Divorced.
When this process first started, I rolled through a myriad of emotions. Some days I was happy, some days I was sad, some days angry and others so lost I just flew through the motions.
The thing I can say is that I am again in a place where I have to learn to live in the moment. I have to learn to take the happy days and the sad days and just be whatever it is I am in that moment. The uncertainties and inconsistencies drive me crazy. I like to have things organized and nothing is. I like knowing what to expect and how my heart will deal with situations and this was like being locked in a body I didn't know. I was unaware of what anxiety felt like prior to this, unaware of what makes me cry or what makes me angry. I've been trying to hold my shit together and unfortunately, it falls through my fingers like water.
I am constantly uncertain about things I previously felt certain about- I just don't know who I am right now and it's terrifying and a bit annoying to be honest. I feel crazy, I feel up and down and all around and a little everywhere and no where all at the same time. My heart is simultaneously full and empty at the same time. I fear I will never love purely again. My entire world has been shattered, my ideals thrown to the floor. I have made choices that have surprised me as well as frightened me. I am just a hot mess really.
Fortunately, I have begun going to therapy and currently am working on just being whatever the fuck I am right when I am.
While that interferes with my life, I have come to the understanding that my life is not
Black and white but shades of various color, grays and very dark blacks. Even better, I have the understanding that it's alright to not be alright in all aspects of your life and that while compartmentalizations offer immediate solace, they do not offer long term solutions.
I am challenged to cry when I need to cry, to yell when I am angry, to hurt and grieve. And god am I grieving. Not just the loss of A man who was but is no longer but the hopes, dreams, memories and ideals I have In my heart that has no where to go. I grieve my choices, I grieve his actions. I am aching one day, feeling renewed another- those feelings in themselves are also cause for grief because I don't quite understand them.
I am living in the now. If it feels like I should do it, I am doing it. If it feels like the right thing to do for me I am learning to give myself space and permission to do it. I am scared and unsteady as I walk in the new parameters of my journey. So, that being said-
My choices are not up for judgement. I may do things that don't make sense to you but it might not make sense to me either. I am navigating a new journey that has no personalized manual and one that I find particularly difficult and lonely. I am discovering what a healthy heart looks like by giving myself the permission to be.
So, if you see me dancing- don't think I'm crazy and judge me because you can't hear my music- rejoice because I'm moving forward, in a direction that resonates so deeply in my core that It would be wrong to do anything else.
-his beloved
