There is a dark spot in my otherwise bright heart

It wasn't meant to be planned.. Not really. But it happened and we were ready for it. Being pregnant changed my worldview. Things that didn't seem important were now important And things that were once important were not so important. The morning sickness sucked but I took it in stride. Then September 13th happened and we found out the baby had died. Grief. Grief is a dark spot in my heart. Not just the loss of our baby but the loss of my mom, the loss of my first real love. Those types of things cut from your soul with a butchers knife only to leave behind scars where the soul mended around the holes.
Grief is a ride. You can't just decide things are okay and they become Okay. You cannot replace, renew or research your way out of it. You must board the bus and sit along for the ride. It's a personal process. When someone else who has met Grief comes along, sure- there is commoradarie in the fact that they know your pain but again, it isn't YOUR pain they know, it's pain they know of.
grief leaves you missing what is lost and changed forever. The things you think are important are no longer important, the things you hadn't thought of are now on your mind. Grief is a lonely teacher. It's a hard emotion to deal with and although I never met my baby, I grieve the loss of is or her life. It has left me changed in ways I haven't fully discovered and I haven't fully understood. Grief leaves a dark spot in an otherwise bright heart. I don't think grief ever leaves, I think grief stays with you and adds to who you are. I think grief comes and goes but never fully leaves. Grief becomes a part of you. And I'm not saying it's all bad, just that it stays with you, changes you, creates those dark spots in your heart from time to time. Tonight, I miss little Jameson or Ava. Grief.

Pain wrung from my soul

The way I grew up- the baggage I carry from dramatic events in my life, the pain scarred in my soul from words, deeds, actions and consequences, the bitter walls I built to protect my heart as well as so so many more things I know but cannot possibly understand created me. It defined me-- no. I defined me by it. But that isn't the me I was created to be.

Before I met Christ, I allowed these things to define me. The Jackie that I was, was wrapped up in this identity that the world had created. I allowed the hurts from my childhood build on top of each other like scar tissue. Layer upon layer. Brick by brick I built my wall. The ability to not cry because it belayed weakness, the cold insensitive heart that showed no empathy, the hatred that twisted In my heart, poisoning my soul.

There was a time- a climax, where this scar tissue, those bricks, those feelings became too much for me and I broke. February 25th 2004 was the day I met Jesus- for real and began my journey with him.

Layer after layer, piece by broken piece he dissected me. Stripped my heart of things I held onto to keep myself safe. He showed me better ways to do things, showed me feelings this earth had yet to show. Loving Jesus, changed me into a person who loved people. It was like he wrung the sin out of me along with my tears. There was healing like nothing in this world that took place in those earlier years. I remember the youth pastor that invested their lives into mine, the people who had patience with my jagged edges,, the person who discipled me, who built faith into me. All this happened while Jesus dived into my heart and rebuilt it.

I remember crying a lot. Not always negatively, but crying a lot. There was much in my soul that needed reversing. I know I have a plan and a purpose. I know for a long time, I have been running from those things. Cowardly, I admit. I am a coward. I am selfish because I want to live my life for myself. I want to live for me despite all he has done for me.

Jesus has made me stronger. I can overcome much because of his loving touch. I am me more now than I ever was then and he used a lot of people to accomplish this work. I'm turning. My heart is turning to him. I am remembering. However, I am also remembering those who invested something deep. I am humbled tonight remembering the tears from my first years. I am humbled while I remember the growing pains, the blossoming in my heart and the joy despite measured sorrow.

If I am the prodigal, I have found myself in slop and begun to remember my fathers house. I am spent.

-his beloved despite so so much

The riches of your love will always be enough

Ironically, many people backslide. Yours truly is included in that statement. If you really read through the entire bible, you see the story generation after generation - we slip, he picks us up. But why?

I am quick to suggest that it may possibly be because Jesus is not present in our lives. However, Judas worked right next to him and his selfishness made him betray Jesus- not just walk away from him but betray him.
The bible lays it out very logically, the fall of man and the effects of sin in our lives and the lives all around us. The bible also lets us know that when one sins, we all feel the effect of said sin. This is why, in a world created by a pure and good God, can be full of so much heartache. Why the balance of logic is off- why bad things happen to good people. Why children get cancer. Why people get rapped. Sin runs rampant in this world we live in. We are run by our desires - be it greed, selfishness, lust, power, money, even the high from doing the right thing etc..
However, meeting Jesus is in theory supposed to change all that.

Because the bible says we are made in his image, made to love, made to be loved - I believe things only fit quite 100% when we truly embrace that relationship. But once that relationship is captured, why do we abandon it? You would think that tasting something so pure would keep us there.

For myself, I think I let the relationship between Jesus and I become stagnant. I did not make any time for him. James 4:1 says draw near to god and he will draw near to you. Well how the heck does that get accomplished when you've had your head turned away for so long?

I think sin tastes good but it leaves us empty. In the story of Hosea, the people ate rice cakes that were sweet but wouldn't fill them up- sin. It's a perfect analogy. Sin tastes good. It's easy to stick to a diet of good tasting yet empty filing rice cakes.
I am by no means speaking in authority of fact on this topic, and my logic makes sense to me right now so this is my reality. However, I am young and ignorant of many things and I know, that one piece of information may make this all make sense. Until then, I do believe I will continue dissecting my strained relationship with God without actually doing something to fix it. But I do want to fix it. Apathy.

I believe apathy is the biggest killer if the Christian church.

- even still, his beloved

how long can I walk the fence before I fall on either side?

I am a christian.  I love Jesus.  I am a sinner.  I love sin. I am these things simultaneously.  I have been these things together for far too long, I think.  Some days, I think - I will rise up and change, live the life I feel I should and then other days I lay down and think, it's pretty comfortable here. I have been passionate, jaded, cynical, and excited about the christian religion.  I LOVE Jesus but despair of the verse that clearly says that if you love him, you will keep his commands - which I do not. I talked to a couple last week, their actually pastors in a church I think I really like, and I was just really honest about my heart's condition.  its pretty bleak if you look at things with christian goggles on. But refreshingly, I was not met with some judgmental sigh and "ill pray for you" answers.  I wasn't looking for answers. I wont listen right now -and they didn't offer me any.  The healing in my heart from that action alone is phenomenal.

                     Sometimes I just want to throw up my middle finger to the entire christian church.  I do not feel like it carries genuine people and I hate that.  I hate when I am honest about my sin, I am looked down upon when sin is carried on the back of every believer.  I understand why Christians keep sins hidden and thus enslave themselves to it for fear of opening up.  I know I am being harsh. Not every Christian is like that, but I do not have the patience to look around for the genuine ones.  It is so much easier to get away from the judgmental attitudes and work my salvation out, and figure my sins out by myself than work with an 'accountability partner.'  I mean, what if, I never get over this sin, what if my 'accountability partner' puts me on the 'prayer' list and everyone knows I am struggling.  See, sin is something that will always come back. the temptation will always be there  - I have never seen it miraculously taken from my soul.  Maybe I wasn't holy enough, or I didn't pray hard enough. Maybe God wants me to have this sin. Maybe, maybe, maybe. who the hell knows??  I really struggle with being a Christian.  Not because Jesus is hard to grasp.  He has never done the wrongs. its his body. I want to be apart of but am disgusted and ashamed of.

I walk the fence.  I cant ever let Christ go, because he has made himself very real to me.  I am a very broken believer.  I am not one that really wants to bear my cross. It's pretty selfish of me, I think.  But I miss my relationship with God.  I MISS struggling with God.  But I don't want the BS that I've spent three paragraphs complaining about.  So here is the deal, even in a perfect world, there is political BS that has to be dealt with.  In my job, my personal life, my mental world, I deal with BS.  Is the juice worth the squeeze?  is picking sides despite the BS worth it?  Dare I try to be the difference I want to see in the world?  I fear my validity is shot. I don't know.  But I do know, that the sins of the flesh look less and less desirable and the desires of my heart are becoming brighter.  I just don't know where to go from here.

pass me by the crowds of people

Take me past the outer courts
Into the Holy Place
Past the brazen altar
Lord I want to see your face
Pass me by the crowds of people
And the Priests who sing your praise
I hunger and thirst for your righteousness
But it's only found in one place

Take me into the holy of holies
Take me in by the blood of the lamb
Take me into the holy of holies
Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

I never wanted to do things halfway.  I didn't know that when I first found Jesus, I would take a four year hiatus to find myself.  I never imagined I would become cynical of religion and jaded by Christians. But I am and I have.  Thing is, I don't regret it.  I did find myself, and I like who I am (for the most part).  I do not like who I am outside of Christ though.  I think I am a better, stronger, braver, more compassionate, more patient, more loving, generally all around better person when I am side by side with Jesus.  

Here's the thing I discovered though; I do not want something fake.  If I am going to love Jesus, I want JESUS.  I do not want some cheap cardboard copy example from a church, christian or tv preacher.  I want something real.  The song I was listening to, and currently am listening to right now (i posted the lyrics up there) is about that feeling.  He doesn't want the surface stuff, he doesn't want the holy alter, he doesn't care about the priests - he wants the Holy of Holies, the real deal, nothing less. 

I want Jesus, and I realize that the people that I have let effect me -  the Christians who have disappointed me, the pastors who I feel have forgotten me, the hypocrisy I have witnessed by the body of Christ, the judgmental attitudes, the wayward friendships of "love" and the double standards when presented with sin - cannot be what I am willing to settle on.  I cannot let people be Christ for me, because we all need our savior, not just me.  Bad things will happen in churches because people are involved, not everyone will disappoint but a lot will and it will be okay, because I will disappoint people too.  I have hurt people too.  

Take me into the holy of Holies.  The holy of holies was an area in the Temple that was like the most sacred of areas.  No one was allowed to go back there except the high priest, once a year. It was covered with a veil and just really really special.  sacred. the song is saying, get me past EVERYTHING and let me be with Jesus in that HOLY place. no bs, just being with him.  The last part of the song says take the coal touch my lips, here I am - its referencing Isiah 6 when the prophet has a vision of sorts.  He just says he sees the Lord sitting on the throne and he is so overwhelmed by how holy and pure God is, that he is in a state of sorrow at how filthy with sin he is.  A seraph (pretty sure its like an angel) came to him with a piece of coal from the alter and cleansed him by touching his lips with it.  God then asks who he can send to go speak to his people for him - Isaiah volunteers and the biggest book of the prophets was born. 

take me into the holy of holies - I do not want the courtyard, I dont care about the priests that sing his praise, I want Jesus, in the holy place because I do not want a tainted idea of him, I just want him. 

- his beloved

  

Running away, time for a u-turn

I run from God because he expects me to live up to the potential he designed me to live up to. Expects might be a strong word, but he definitely knows I can be more than who I am and is always showing me how to be better than who i am.

Did you ever see avatar, the last airbender? He runs from his responsibilities.. He feels a loss of personal rights, a loss of freedom, loss. I can relate to that.

I've spent the majority of three years or so just telling God to shove it, unless I need him.. But as I've grown, sitting here telling God to shove it, I have begun to think that it may quite possibly be time to put my childish ways behind me...

I've recently stepped into a larger leadership role in my life.. One that means more to me than the others that I've been involved with. I try really hard to become and stay an effective lead Cna, it's really important to me.. But it's teaching me. It's teaching me something I have long fought God on.. Being a leader means your standards are different, more people watch you, your ethics must be on top, your game has to be on top, you have to be the best you so when people look up, there is something to look up to. I don't think I'm quite there yet, I'm actually a long ways off but I need to get there because to me, being a leader means being the one who does the right thing, has vision, has goals and actually follows through with those goals. Being a leader is a serious thing to me.. Because when you are leading people, they are willing to follow and that isn't something to play around with. I want to give people a reason to stick around and hear me out.

Obviously, I am no longer talking about just being a lead CNA - I'm talking about the plans that God has laid out for my life, something big and something scary but it's time to accept it and stop running. It's time to get up and get my act together, fix my character, lift my chin.. Cuz its time to become a leader.

When I was just five months into being 17, I sat down on an old tattered rug in a dilapidated old chapel at little beaver camp and demanded, more whined, that God tell me please what I was supposed to do with my life. The caressing, resounding voice inside my being that answered me was familiar and the answer was known to the pit of my soul - "you will go to Africa and be a missionary." my life has never been the same. My goals have always been to complete this desire that smolders inside my heart. Even when I have been running, the passion for Africa remained.

I need to be there, I cannot explain it, but I've been running fromIt- out of fear, from selfishness, from pride. It's time to raise my head and become a leader, cuz I am no longer a child and it's time to grow up and accept this...gift that I've thrown away so spoiled-ly.

It's going to be hard, but something has awaken inside me - I'm sure it was God, a lot of it has to do with recovering from burnout, getting over grief and loss, and working too much. spiritually, Something is blowing fresh air on my coaled up heart and making my embers glow. Could I be lucky enough one day to feel a fire? I'll let you know.His beloved :)

confessions of an apathetic disciple

It started with a couple pathetic prayers. I didn't mean them, but maybe somewhere deep down inside, something better than me meant them. The first started as some kind of anguished feeling of being left out.  I didn't like feeling like I was missing something, so I prayed something like: "God, I don't like it, but I don't care enough to change it.  I love you but I don't feel anything enough to care. You figure it out"

The second started because that feeling blossomed into this... stray light breaking through my clouds.  I had pushed God so far away to pursue my own path and my own goals that my reality grew dim when I thought it was brightening up.  that nagging feeling of unease broke into my self appointed darkness.  The prayer came out something like: "God, what the heck?  I am too tired to try, leave me alone"

After that, the realization of emotional, physical and mental burnout eased into my consciousness and woke me up to the reality that I was burnt out in a bad way.  Something had to change, or nothing would. But the ironic thing about being so burnt out that apathy sets in as some kind of coping mechanism is that you see the problems but you don't care enough to fix them.  I believe it is truly the most dangerous thing to the christian faith - apathy.  nothing, void, empty, - who cares.

My prayers seemed few and far between as I got up, worked, slept, ate and worked some more.. then slept some more.  I have no time in my life for anything but what I am doing.  that's my reality right now, but i believe God, my loving savior heard my poor excuse of a prayer and began to do something about it. He knows my heart for relationship and he knows I desperately love him.  I began to feel lonely and sad that I couldn't share big changes in my life with him... not because I'm bad or anything but because he didn't fit into my self preserving schedule.  No one should ever have to live like that - I was meant for something more than that, and it took a long time before the bravery came to change my circumstances. I am making small tiny (still pathetic in my book) attempts to wake the heck up and breathe.  God, being the awesome guy he is, just holds my hand and waits for me. 

So, here it is
I work 12 hours a day to have enough money to feel safe in this world, to pay my loans off and make something of my self only to realize that I have abandoned the things that matter: God, my friends, the quality of life I should be having, joy, peace, relaxation... did i mention peace?

Are those things worth the extra 1000$ my second job brings in? I say no. therefore, I have submitted my 2 weeks notice and have begun a journey to reclaim my soul.  To wake up.  I know I sound far from apathetic, and that's a better state than Ive been in in a while but I still am.. my attempts are feeble at best, but the biggest change is i have actually made an attempt.

best part of all of this... it all started with a crappy prayer I didn't mean, and in his faithfulness, God planted a tree bearing fruit from my dead seed.

--His beloved.

A Burning Desire

I am waiting, I am urning so bad, I am desiring.  I am doing nothing about it. 

This place I sit in is comfortable, its calm, I rule the cards - I created the deck, and when things get too hard, I ask for a TINY bit of help and rewrite the instructions, so it was always me that fixed it anyways. I am the master of my world and I dont want to leave it.  I like to make my own choices and I like to do things MY way.  I love that I have a savior to pull me out of trouble, but I am not being a servant, I am being the captian of my own ship.

Ironically, Jesus knew I would begin to feel lonely at the top (the top of my tiny little sinking ship).  I think thats why he lets us do things our way, so that when we crash and burn (or feel empty inside) it isnt him saying I told you so, its us saying "you knew better than me"  Jesus is awesome like that. I have been feeling a little empty for awhile.  I like where my life is at but I am not so sure I am willing to stay on this path without Him.  My desires buRN so deeply inside my chest.

I remember a time when I would pray and see heaven behind my eyelids.  I remember a time when I would pray and trust that my prayer was answered.  I remember a time when childlike faith was rewarded and I didnt care who thought I was ignorant because I was comforted by the love of the God I knew to be so real.  I can still feel the touch of hands on my face, the smell of flowers all around me, the feel of grass in between my toes, the white dress and face of love in front of me.  A secret place that I feel comfortable only vaguely mentioning.  A special place in my heart and mind filled with an intimacy like nothing i've known in this world.  Filled with something bigger than this earth carries.  Filled with his face and the beating of his heart.  I remember.  thats the problem though.  I shouldnt be just REMEMBERING  I should be living. 

Casting crowns said it good when they sang "its a slow fade, when you give yourself away" and I honestly believe that the biggest threat to the christian church really is Apathy.  It is SO hard to come back from because not only do you not care enough to try but you cant seem to muster the courage to want to fight it.  Its worse than being in chains, because even if you were - you wouldn't even care.  Man.  Apathy.  Its a dark and calming place. 
But if there is something that I know and believe with all my heart, it is that the Holy Spirit runs a path of fire, burning pain into the dead.  Awakening the few things that would drive the heart back into the arms of love.  why one would leave is beyond me, apparently being away is so much cooler.   No, I know why I ran.  I didnt want responsibility.  I desired my own path.  I desire it still.  But something is stirring.  Something is breathing my soul to flame.  My little ember hidden in the dust is getting brighter.  - maybe. I dont know. apathy. 

The most beautiful thing I can say in this post is this.  The HOLY Lord, Jesus - pure - completely pure, follows us around the sin we hold onto, finds a place to stay in our dirty hearts.  This white, spotless beautiful God, chooses to stick it out, for better and worse - because we are for some unknown reason, loved by God.  LOVED.  not like "oh i love you so much" but LOVED.  passionately, purposefully, desired, jealous, ravishingly LOVED.  - He is the savior for a reason.  Because we need him to save us, we cant do this on our own.  Only he had the strength to birth and crucify Jesus, God incarnate to bring us back into his arms. 

man, with a statement like that, you'd think one couldnt be apathetic. - unfortunately, Embarressingly, I still am.

His beloved.

Turn the music down and listen

I had the day off today, ironically, I still found myself at work doing employment classes. When I left, I took the bus ( because its free and  goes right by my house :) not to mention the gas savings) and get to the transfer station only to find security holding a drunk man up against the wall. Now it is at this point that I remove the earbuds from my ears to eavesdrop on the situation while I wait for my connecting bus. 

     It would be pointless to describe the race of the man pinned to the wall, but for the sake of this post, i'll mention he was an Alaskan native. Where I live, we struggle with the "chronic inebriates" that the Daily News Miner (our local paper) has recently dubbed our local drunk population. I lived downtown for a couple years and I regret to say, the eyes begin to see past, the ears begin to block out and the mouth gets harder alongside the heart towards the inebriate population. It's also unfortunate to admit that the majority of the population happen to be Alaska natives. (not to offend my beautiful friends of Alaska that are indeed native).

       The blue line pulls up as the security men convince the pinned man to enter the drunk tank van parked around back- and I change the song in my iPod.  During the ride on my connecting bus, the people in front of me are currently discussing whose joint smells better and what would be the fairest trade of such products. The younger man's joint wins in the end and a trade of said joint and suspicious looking pill is traded wherein they commence joking and regaling each other with stories of nights barely remembered and fights lost on the weekend. I turn my iPod up. 

     It is then at that moment when I see how much I don't care about my people. Fairbanks is my home, the bus travelers my brothers, the man pinned to the wall, my uncle and the "chronic inebriates" my cousins. These are my people and I am dead with hopelessness on how to help.  The thing is, sometimes, the problem is so overwhelming that the answer is nowhere in sight. The problem so big, that it's easier to turn up the iPod then take it out and join the conversation. I do not like feeling helpless, and I don't know how god can change something so desolate- but his word says he can, therefore I know it is possible. Could it be that people like me need to turn down their iPods and help? 
       I want to be a missionary, and I am ashamed at who I am. Jesus did not come to heal the healthy but the sick, but how will anyone know the power of Jesus of they have not heard? And most importantly, how will they hear when I cannot - no- will not turn down my iPod and open my ears and refocus my eyes? 
I am only changed by his grace. Maybe the people I ride the bus with could be to. There are no lost causes. 

His beloved

Heaven is Real...?

I read this book, heaven is for real and it tells this awesome story about a boy who died during a procedure and visits heaven. For this apathetic, cynical soul, it was a breath of fresh air, surprisingly. I get so caught up in trying to be level headed and annoyingly realistic that I fear i shove all room for faith from my heart. The dreams I believe God has given me are still there, sometimes I have very real moments with God, but faith for me gets over analyzed and trashed by logical sequencing. This book though, even though I feel I should be critically analyzing, has breathed into my soul and awaken a part of me I didn't know had fallen asleep...

Faith like a child. Am I still his child? Pride and arrogance wraps its arms around me to shield me from the hurts of this world and I am missing the most important part. I really am talking to my creator when I pray. I really am hearing from Christ, the guy in the book of words that sear my soul. Christ, the guy who died so i could be a little punk christian who thinks she knows the world better than the dude who created it. Christ, who still loves me despite all that. Alive.

It is so hard for me to hold onto that concept these days. I don't know what made me so cynical and so hard, but I just am. I critique everything the Christians around me do, staying far enough apart that I cannot critique myself. Staying far enough away that I can do what I want and explain it away. Its funny how we Christians make the christian faith work for us, instead of submitting to it.

But all that aside, heaven is real. I knew that because despite my stubborn pigheadedness and rebellious analytical nature, I firmly believe the bible is law. It is truth and my life must a line to the truth inside such texts. The bible says its real, thus i believe it is real. But after reading this book, my heart finally accepted that it is real. Man, I don't even really care about the heaven part - I care about the meeting Jesus part. I look around me at my stuff, my goals and who I have in my life, and it doesn't mean anything. Nothing. Because if I died now, I would be with Christ. That fact is the song and desire of my heart. I want that so bad that I think i somehow just pushed it away. I want to look at him and touch him, feel him and sit on his lap and feel pure like a child. The child I know I am but try so hard to prove i'm not. God, I'm so annoying.

I prayed after readin this book, and i felt for the first time in a long time that I was really talking to Jesus. My faith grew wings and flew. I prayed for something knowing it would happen, I said no to sin because I had my head in the game. I had the right perspective for once. now if only I can hold onto that without crashing and burning. All the negative aside. This book has carved off a big chunk of realism inside me and brought something back to life - like only the holy spirit can do.

Thanks god for being my savior, man you know I need it.

- his beloved.