I am a christian. I love Jesus. I am a sinner. I love sin. I am these things simultaneously. I have been these things together for far too long, I think. Some days, I think - I will rise up and change, live the life I feel I should and then other days I lay down and think, it's pretty comfortable here. I have been passionate, jaded, cynical, and excited about the christian religion. I LOVE Jesus but despair of the verse that clearly says that if you love him, you will keep his commands - which I do not. I talked to a couple last week, their actually pastors in a church I think I really like, and I was just really honest about my heart's condition. its pretty bleak if you look at things with christian goggles on. But refreshingly, I was not met with some judgmental sigh and "ill pray for you" answers. I wasn't looking for answers. I wont listen right now -and they didn't offer me any. The healing in my heart from that action alone is phenomenal.
Sometimes I just want to throw up my middle finger to the entire christian church. I do not feel like it carries genuine people and I hate that. I hate when I am honest about my sin, I am looked down upon when sin is carried on the back of every believer. I understand why Christians keep sins hidden and thus enslave themselves to it for fear of opening up. I know I am being harsh. Not every Christian is like that, but I do not have the patience to look around for the genuine ones. It is so much easier to get away from the judgmental attitudes and work my salvation out, and figure my sins out by myself than work with an 'accountability partner.' I mean, what if, I never get over this sin, what if my 'accountability partner' puts me on the 'prayer' list and everyone knows I am struggling. See, sin is something that will always come back. the temptation will always be there - I have never seen it miraculously taken from my soul. Maybe I wasn't holy enough, or I didn't pray hard enough. Maybe God wants me to have this sin. Maybe, maybe, maybe. who the hell knows?? I really struggle with being a Christian. Not because Jesus is hard to grasp. He has never done the wrongs. its his body. I want to be apart of but am disgusted and ashamed of.
I walk the fence. I cant ever let Christ go, because he has made himself very real to me. I am a very broken believer. I am not one that really wants to bear my cross. It's pretty selfish of me, I think. But I miss my relationship with God. I MISS struggling with God. But I don't want the BS that I've spent three paragraphs complaining about. So here is the deal, even in a perfect world, there is political BS that has to be dealt with. In my job, my personal life, my mental world, I deal with BS. Is the juice worth the squeeze? is picking sides despite the BS worth it? Dare I try to be the difference I want to see in the world? I fear my validity is shot. I don't know. But I do know, that the sins of the flesh look less and less desirable and the desires of my heart are becoming brighter. I just don't know where to go from here.
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