Pain wrung from my soul

The way I grew up- the baggage I carry from dramatic events in my life, the pain scarred in my soul from words, deeds, actions and consequences, the bitter walls I built to protect my heart as well as so so many more things I know but cannot possibly understand created me. It defined me-- no. I defined me by it. But that isn't the me I was created to be.

Before I met Christ, I allowed these things to define me. The Jackie that I was, was wrapped up in this identity that the world had created. I allowed the hurts from my childhood build on top of each other like scar tissue. Layer upon layer. Brick by brick I built my wall. The ability to not cry because it belayed weakness, the cold insensitive heart that showed no empathy, the hatred that twisted In my heart, poisoning my soul.

There was a time- a climax, where this scar tissue, those bricks, those feelings became too much for me and I broke. February 25th 2004 was the day I met Jesus- for real and began my journey with him.

Layer after layer, piece by broken piece he dissected me. Stripped my heart of things I held onto to keep myself safe. He showed me better ways to do things, showed me feelings this earth had yet to show. Loving Jesus, changed me into a person who loved people. It was like he wrung the sin out of me along with my tears. There was healing like nothing in this world that took place in those earlier years. I remember the youth pastor that invested their lives into mine, the people who had patience with my jagged edges,, the person who discipled me, who built faith into me. All this happened while Jesus dived into my heart and rebuilt it.

I remember crying a lot. Not always negatively, but crying a lot. There was much in my soul that needed reversing. I know I have a plan and a purpose. I know for a long time, I have been running from those things. Cowardly, I admit. I am a coward. I am selfish because I want to live my life for myself. I want to live for me despite all he has done for me.

Jesus has made me stronger. I can overcome much because of his loving touch. I am me more now than I ever was then and he used a lot of people to accomplish this work. I'm turning. My heart is turning to him. I am remembering. However, I am also remembering those who invested something deep. I am humbled tonight remembering the tears from my first years. I am humbled while I remember the growing pains, the blossoming in my heart and the joy despite measured sorrow.

If I am the prodigal, I have found myself in slop and begun to remember my fathers house. I am spent.

-his beloved despite so so much

The riches of your love will always be enough

Ironically, many people backslide. Yours truly is included in that statement. If you really read through the entire bible, you see the story generation after generation - we slip, he picks us up. But why?

I am quick to suggest that it may possibly be because Jesus is not present in our lives. However, Judas worked right next to him and his selfishness made him betray Jesus- not just walk away from him but betray him.
The bible lays it out very logically, the fall of man and the effects of sin in our lives and the lives all around us. The bible also lets us know that when one sins, we all feel the effect of said sin. This is why, in a world created by a pure and good God, can be full of so much heartache. Why the balance of logic is off- why bad things happen to good people. Why children get cancer. Why people get rapped. Sin runs rampant in this world we live in. We are run by our desires - be it greed, selfishness, lust, power, money, even the high from doing the right thing etc..
However, meeting Jesus is in theory supposed to change all that.

Because the bible says we are made in his image, made to love, made to be loved - I believe things only fit quite 100% when we truly embrace that relationship. But once that relationship is captured, why do we abandon it? You would think that tasting something so pure would keep us there.

For myself, I think I let the relationship between Jesus and I become stagnant. I did not make any time for him. James 4:1 says draw near to god and he will draw near to you. Well how the heck does that get accomplished when you've had your head turned away for so long?

I think sin tastes good but it leaves us empty. In the story of Hosea, the people ate rice cakes that were sweet but wouldn't fill them up- sin. It's a perfect analogy. Sin tastes good. It's easy to stick to a diet of good tasting yet empty filing rice cakes.
I am by no means speaking in authority of fact on this topic, and my logic makes sense to me right now so this is my reality. However, I am young and ignorant of many things and I know, that one piece of information may make this all make sense. Until then, I do believe I will continue dissecting my strained relationship with God without actually doing something to fix it. But I do want to fix it. Apathy.

I believe apathy is the biggest killer if the Christian church.

- even still, his beloved