I have been working hard on trying to be a nicer
person. Not that I am a mean person but
I think that I possess some qualities that I would find “not nice.” I personally feel like I used to be a nicer
person. I think I used to be selfless,
patient, trusting and more relaxed than I am now. What changed? Great question. I think I used to dedicate
myself to something bigger than myself.
I used to dedicate myself to a cause, an entity so to speak, God. I used to be a follower of Jesus. I used to be a lot of things.
Before all this “nicer person” business, I used to be even more things. I was depressed, suicidal, and struggling. I had no self-esteem, no faith in myself, no light to turn to. In my heart that was so full of unmet expectations, my light was dim. Sure, I had fun on the outside. I found solace in friends I still have today. I also found solace at the end of a blade. I found solace in the end of a bottle, the bitter taste of pills, I found solace but not peace. These things did not fix my demons. I believe I became entangled in a web of hopelessness. Let’s fast forward a bit –
February 25th 2004.
(a bit of background
first. I was dating this boy. This boy
has an encounter with God. Boy and Girl
do a lot of things that would not be considered holy. Girl feels kind of awkward. Girl feels like something is changing. Girl is sad. Girl thinks to pray to the God
whom her boy has an encounter with. Girl
doesn’t believe boy is in his right mind.
However, girl grew up knowing about God so she knows at least how to
pray.)
I have a conversation with God. It goes kinda like this:
Me: Okay, God, uh – things are kind of weird.. but I don’t really know what to say to you but *Boy* said I should try talking to you but um, I don’t really know what I’m doing…
God:
Me: So, uh, anyways, I don’t know what to do about
our relationship, it’s a little weird and I just don’t know..
God: break up with him.
Me: …
God: …
Me: okay, what?
God: break up with him.
Me: okay, so, Im
crazy and talking to myself.. Gods do not tell people to break up with their
boyfriends.
God: break up with him.
Me: okay, you
mean to tell me that you, God, are talking to me.
God:
Me: Prove
it. Prove Im not crazy. Because I think I’m fucking crazy.
God: Ezekiel 14:2
Me: really?
That’s it? A stupid memory verse?
God:
Me: so you mean
to tell me that if I go look this up, you’ll prove that you are talking to me.
God:
Me: … huffs.
Okay, Holy cow.
So I go find the only bible my family had – this OLD huge weird
“family tree” thing and I flip to the bible verse – literally have never read
this book let alone verse in the bible and it reads “And the word of the LORD
came to me.” I freaked out a little
bit. See the reality of this situation
would argue that it would have been something I’d heard before – true but I
doubt it because I hadn’t. Reality would
also argue that it was coincidence. Sure. But what a damn good coincidence.
Anyways, I personally believe that I would never have
accepted God if this did not happen. I
believe I lack trust and I doubt and this is what I needed to believe in
God. I FELT God. I got goosebumps like someone was staring at the back of
my neck and I only had one thing to do.
I had to break up with boy. The
conviction was so strong. So I call, and
he doesn’t answer so I think, ah! A test! God does those. But boy calls back
and tells girl that he just got finished with prayer and he was feeling like
God was telling HIM to break up with ME!
Which sounds surreal. It was.
So I cry. Now
remember, I spent a lot of time wanting to end the pain in my heart and
consoling myself with distractions that didn’t really console. Boy was the biggest distraction, and now with
Boy gone, I had no one to shield me from my demons. I was alone, felt worthless, felt hopeless,
and not to mention I was now filled with my 17 year old angst of losing the boy
she loved. And I do the only thing I can
think of. I plan my death.
I go into my bathroom and wallow on the floor, the pain too unbearable to endure. I lay there wanting my life to end thinking and rethinking all the horrible things I hated about myself, my childhood, my disgust at being alone. I hated myself. I had nothing but my solaces and I was determined to destroy myself.
I lay on my bathroom floor, bottle of pills in my hand, razor in the other. I was going to take the pills, cut the wrists and lay in the tub and die. It sounded peaceful to me. To end my hurting. And im crying and Im crying and I cant take it anymore. Then the phone rings.
Different boy is on phone.
Different boy pleads with me.
Tells me how much God loves me and how he desires my life. Tells me how much better things could be if I
would give god my life. I cry. I go back
to my bathroom floor and I feel the worlds of choice tugging at my soul. Give my life to God, Give my life away? Trust me, when I was 17, I was in a bad
place. I wasn’t able to process a lot of
the things that had/were happening in my life.
I was not able to understand that things could be different. I was caught in my storm. Anyways.
I feel my soul torn and fought for. To kill myself or try God’s
way. Boy on phone coaxes me to give into
God. I wanna say it but I fight for the
words. I end up making a deal. I tell
God that I will try things his way and if it doesn’t pan out, I was going
through with my plan to kill myself.
However, I do tell God that I needed him and wanted him in my
life.. I am pretty okay with this so I
go to bed.
The next morning, I woke up feeling something strange in my soul. Love. Like – not any kind of love you have ever felt before. Love. Like- pure unadulterated love. Like I was oozing this feeling of fullness. The birds chirped outside my window and I took a breath of air and I knew, I just knew that God was real. I felt him in everything. I felt him in my soul.
I dived into this God life head first and didn’t stop until
after some big events in my life. Every
year in February, I am reminded of the day my life was saved. I am a person I never thought I would be, I
am a new creation. I am.. So loved. I
believe if you surround yourself with things, you become like them. When you surround yourself with God, you are
changed. I was changed. I am changed.
My finance and I split up when I was in Bible College. My mom died shortly after. My whole identity was shaken and tried. I didn’t really know who I was or who I
wanted to be so I gave into myself and did whatever the heck I wanted. The changes were slight – almost so slight
you didn’t notice but eventually I did.
I was less patient, I was less selfless, I looked out for myself instead
of others. I made promises I never
kept, I destroyed friendships. Slowly, I
found myself with these characteristics that were horrible. I honestly believe that you cannot live a
selfish life without it coming back to change you. I think that is what happened in the 4 years
I stepped away from Christianity.
I’m turning 28 today. I know how to process hurt and pain. I have delved into the folds of my insecurities and have risen above them. I have sifted through my baggage and processed a lot of childhood pain. I am functioning and alive. I am at a place where I would like to be more kind. I would like to be more patient, loving and selfless. I would like to be more like the Jesus I read about. I would like to rebuild my relationship with God. I am at a place where I want this. So on the day I turn 28, I am thankful for this journey. I would not be who I am without who I was and who God was to me while I traveled my paths. 11 years ago this month, I could have just died. But I embarked on a journey that all began with a prayer, a bible and an unorthodox answer from God. This is why I struggle. This is why I believe. This is why I press on.
Happy Birthday to me
--his beloved
