the Paradox of death

Death is an intensely curious thing. It gives no notice as to when and where or even how it may come. The finality of death creates a melancholy within me that I seem not able to shake. My heart lags inside me and the general placement of my spirit seems dim. Death and loss are only repairable by the knowledge and faith of something after this world. It would be illogical to have such great intelligence, such passionate desires, the talents and skills people posess in this diverse populace only to have it snuffed out like a candle in the window caught with wind. Death trades with us a feeling of empty longing, left open in our chest. A pit is ripped in our insides that bottoms out when a memory, a trace of a reminder crosses paths with our hearts. Death steals away those we love and leaves us stopped in time expecting those around us to stop and look about – yet the time passes the same and not a glance is cast our way. It is as if that life was meaningless; that the universe could care less that a bright spark has been extinguished. You want to cry out "look! remember! Don't you care?! My heart is broken!" But the pain I feel is completly my own and although I am connected - grief maintains a lonely road.

 Cruel fate, the loss of love. We spend all this time sharing the whispers of our souls with another being only to have them taken from us – the whispers of our souls taken with them. No one can craft the love created between two people; whether it be friend or lover, each relationship is its own, none duplicated and never again to be repeated. This is the heartbreak of death. We are left with memories and a world that callously continues despite the stopping of our own. 

 This body inevitably will fail us. Death is inevitable. The only repreve that I have is that grief is a feeling many can share in and this world is not designed to be lived alone. Although I may feel as if the world has stopped and I am sitting alone in my sorrow, the reality is that the world continues because there is reason for it to continue. To live in this moment is the only certain thing we have. To be able to hold someone’s hand and share in their life over coffee is a catalyst of moment. We inspire and share our souls with everyone around us through a story or joke and we are connected. I am not alone even though you have left. Even though my heart longs for yours, I am still connected. 

 To be living in the moment, we make sure that life is lived completely. Not one breath is promised. Not one day is to be taken for granted. What a waste it would be to live a life devoid of passion and dreams- unable to connect with those we have around us. Although death may sting, life is a salve. Look! Look around at the beauty it offers us: The smell of a flower ripened in the sun, the laughter of a baby joyous with love. The kiss of the wind, unseen but powerful and the brilliance of the sun who rises again. The beauty of forgiveness and the grace of second chances. A mothers love, a child’s faith, the joy of achieving our goals. These things are constant, death cannot steal every single one. 

 So although my heart be weary from sorrow, my eyes dry from tears, and my soul discouraged by despair – I look up and onward for although the day may stop for me, the world continues on and I am still a part of it. I am still here. Like I said, death is an intensely curious thing.. 

 -jackie

An ocean of secrets

There are places deep inside that carry the stories my mouth dare not breathe
places I hold secret and dare world to never see
The depth of emotion mine to hold
no one will ever know

 my heart carries your breath on my neck
the memories of walks in the wood
to special places where we would hide within each other
the taste of romance twinged in sin
 beautiful bliss exploding within

 heart inside me full of depth
full of these places I have kept
forever a part of me they never leave
a memory hidden deep within me

 The heart an ocean never fully explored
 not even I know the wonders it holds
a picture, a song, and I am transported back
 to a taste and a longing I didn't remember to have had

I remember myself young and niave
so full of love, so pure and free
in that moment that my heart chose to capture
I am forever in love with a darling character

There are secrets inside this heart of mine
there are secrets in this heart of mine
held to cherish

all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another....

John 13:34-35 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

When I first read this verse of the bible, I thought, "wow, that's so true - I really like that"  and then I couldn't get it out of my head.  My optimism turned sour and then I found myself thinking "But where ARE these disciples?"

Coming from a christian girl who has recently reclaimed her faith in Jesus Christ, I still carry many jagged emotions about the hypocrisy of the christian church.  You see, in my story in particular, when I chose to make my own decisions that rebelled from the christian way of thinking, I found a lot of people who seemed to only know me/like me/support me when I was strolling through life the "proper way."

Being brought up a bit rough and thrown to adulthood with no sense of which way to go and how to handle my baggage, I, of course, fell from my faith and took the hard way to figure myself out.  While I was walking that journey, I fell from grace - not necessarily God's grace but the good graces of those people I had spent many years serving Christ with.  I think I made people uncomfortable.  I know for awhile, feeding the wolf of selfishness inside me turned me into a flaming jackass.  However, there are few that I can recall who loved me - GENUINELY loved me from the distance I placed around myself.  These people are the people who have shown me Christ.  These people are the people who inspired me to return to Christ.  These people are those genuine lovers of God that the world needs more of.  

So, with my split heart leaning towards godliness and jaded cynicism, I can only wonder: Where are the disciples of the church? Where are the christian's who would sit with the sinner and be genuine friends with them despite their obvious sin filled life?  Where are the Christians who chase the fallen because friendship doesn't mean "only friends if we are both serving god."  Where are the Christians who make themselves uncomfortable to be Christ for the broken?  When did Christians get so selfish and stuck up that we can't follow the dude we proclaim to follow?  When did stipulations become so prevalent?  Then the church wonders why people want nothing to do with Christ. When did we get so surface?  Where is the love of Christ?  But whatever happened to loving someone because they are full of depth and character?  Why do we have to love people only when they act worthy enough?  Doesn't that negate what Jesus says in the bible all along?  I have met more genuine people covered in sin than those I find in the church.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am not trying to bash the Christian church - much.  I am ashamed to be walking back into a faith that means empty dust to those around me.  I am ashamed to have been so surface.  I am ashamed to have been this empty disciple to so many who fell away before me.  What is the cause for all this?  Jesus wants to turn us into someone new.  He even promises that the work he starts will be finished.  We are a continual work in progress and we will let people down.  We will succumb to our selfishness more than we succumb to our selflessness.  Jesus walked with sinners because he loved them.  People are changed because Jesus loved them.  Love changes everything - but what about when people don't change?  What about when they don't follow our expectations?  WE LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE WORTH IT.  Everyone.  No matter what.  

this being said - I challenge believers to get outside your cliques, your fake smiles, your "must be perfect" expectations for yourself and look inward.  Really look at yourself and understand that just becuase you work harder to be better and you spend ten hours in the bible doesn't make you any better than the drunk down the street.  Jesus is the beautiful thing inside us, not our works.  Especially not our works that we proclaim for public opinion.  Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place to brag about what you are proud of and being proud of our accomplishments isn't a bad thing. - Good for you for doing it.  But don't turn into a cocky know it all who is too stuck up to remember what its like to feel like a failure and let those feelings swallow you whole.   

You know what brought me back to church?  Genuine people who I can relate to.  No one can relate to perfect.  Transparency with yourself and others.  A real healthy dose of reality.  That is what I am comfortable with.  I cannot relate to perfect or even trying to be perfect and I honestly believe that Jesus doesn't expect us to be perfect - He wants us to be transformed and to LOVE one another and Love Him.  So I challenge those of you who actually read all the way to the bottom of this honest confession.  Be honest with yourself, be transparent, understand that you are the sinner you are because you know you are saved by HIS grace - not yours. And for (literally) God's sake - can we start loving each other instead of judging each other?  Loving each other instead of  being happy that something bad happened to that person you don't like?  Can we love each other instead of choosing our comforts first?  Because if we can, I think I might actually see some of those disciples Jesus was talking about.  Maybe the world might see some of those disciples Jesus was talking about.  Maybe the world will know that we belong to a good God who accepts us despite our flaws and maybe can believe He could accept them too.  Maybe the love is the key.  Maybe even if you are not religious - could we just learn to love one another and put out a hand?

--Jackie

his beloved. 

the collision of faith and romancing the idea of return

I've spent a lot of time in my christian walk not walking. I have spent nearly half of my christian existence sitting down playing in the mud. When I collided with the christian faith, my entire being was changed.  I am changed.  I cannot ever go back to the person I was.  That person was dark, sad, lonely and depressed.  That person was lost in an ever circling tide that threatened to pull her under the water and into the depths forever.  That person ran away and hid in shame, slaughtered herself at the disgust of herself and ingested the world to escape the ever constant pain.

Jesus was always a bright spot in my life.  Even when serving him was hard, he was always the best thing.  I know that is hard to understand for those who have never collided with faith but that's just how it was.  I spent a good 5 years hot and heavy at the breast of Christianity.  I soaked up every word, every challenge, every good thing that I could do to dedicate myself to this culture until my rock was swept out from underneath me.  My safety net was torn to shreds and I was left standing in the mist of my ideologies.  How naive I was.  How young I was.

My rock taken from me, my faith challenged before me, my path skewed asunder ----  I took a leap and jumped off the bridge right into the muck I was saved from.  I spent a good three years giving myself over to my own desires.  Lust, desire, greed, hate, self. I spent a lot of time doing me.  One day, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself - or like myself.

So lets just fast forward to now.  I have finally come to the conclusion that I really do believe my faith.  I have spent many months finding out how I feel about things. A lot of these things are liberal ideas that pertain to gray areas of christian ideology.  I have a very good grasp of the Christian faith and the things it teaches but I also understand that people are gray. People are not black and white and I think it ludicrous to expect people to follow a rigid black and white rule system.   

For example: god says you shouldn't kill- that is pretty black and white however, if I kill someone protecting my family, I don't think I've done anything wrong.  The loss of the life is unfortunate but I won't condemn myself for doing something I had to.  Let's also say: you shouldn't lie.  But we tell our kids (in good fun and excitement) about Santa the Easter bunny and tooth fairy. It's all grey.

I have come from my journey with an understanding that I do not know the heart of man.  Even my own I have barely grasped and I cannot judge the truth unless I know it's entirety.  God knows the heart and he understands why we do some of the things we do and I think he has compassion on us.  I think god will understand why I felt it necessary to sin.  That is why we need a savior anyways. 

I understand that a lot of my ideas may not correlate to the Christian faith and like I said they are a bit liberal but until I am "transformed by the renewing of my mind" I like the balance I have achieved by my wanderings. I believe it will make me a better person and a more understanding Christian. 

His beloved 

Forgiveness - The Beauty in Letting Go

Two years ago, my husband and I found out that we were expecting.  It was really exciting.  I immediately ran out and bought the "what to expect when you are expecting" book and made sure I wasn't drinking anymore.  I started taking the vitamins and was cautious at work.  I was so tired but we were going to make it work. I remember thinking that my fears of having a miscarriage were part of the package because the book said so.

I wasn't going to tell anyone until the first trimester was over but I was just too excited.  A woman that I worked with had also found out she was pregnant; we bonded over that fact.  I eventually decided that people would have to know at work since I wasn't able to work with a specific resident while being pregnant, so I told everyone.  The woman I worked with told just her friends.  I kept my mouth shut online but my family, friends and co-workers knew.  I was just so excited.

Our three month check up was supposed to be a beautiful day where I recorded the heart beat and sent another ultra sound picture to my family.  It was going to be the day I made it public.  It was supposed to be a good day.  Instead, our doctor could not find the little beating heart and the picture on the screen looked very similar to the very first ultra sound we had a month prior.  She looked at us and calmly explained that there was no living thing inside me and we had miscarried.

Tears.

The shock was bad, the night of was bad, I learned a lot about myself and a lot more about my friends and family.  Most people don't know what to say.  A lot of people don't know how to react.  But in the after math of it all, I was mostly just grieving. Its hard to explain how you love something you have never met or held.  A part of my heart died with it and I was just sad.  In the midst of everything, the woman I had bonded with over our pregnancies had respectively within the next week or two also had a miscarriage - or so she told me, to my face.

It was later discovered that while I was crying about my loss, she terminated her pregnancy and claimed a miscarriage.  I hugged her, comforted her and offered my broken heart and soul in the hopes that through my sorrow, I could help hers - and she let me. I am sure she was grieving. maybe. I have to believe she was. I wouldn't have an abortion but I understand why women feel they need to.  I kind of understand why she needed to. What I didn't understand is how she looked me in the face and lied to me.  I felt like my emotions were preyed upon and I looked silly, and stupid.   I felt stupid.

I never told her that I knew she was lying.  There is a reason why people feel like they have to lie to you, but I kept the pain and hurt and anger at what she did inside my heart.  Lost respect for her, made fun of her, and really just kind of hated her.  I hated that my baby got taken away and she just killed hers. I was jealous that I wanted a child and she let hers go. That she had the option of letting hers go.  I hated that my husband and I were falling apart and she was free to go dance at the club.  I was so mad.  There was a large amount of unforgiveness.  Don't get me wrong. She doesn't need to apologize for having an abortion, I wanted her to see how manipulative it was to allow me to grieve a loss when the loss was her choice to have.  It didn't seem right somehow.

fast forward a bit and somewhere deep down, I am still a little angry.  I am still angry because I never dealt with it.  I tried to excuse it, forget about it, explain it away but I never fully confronted it.  Last night, I somehow did.  See, I stopped really being involved in this woman's life but when I heard about her, my attitude was one of an eye roll or "oh, yeah sure" attitude.  I caught myself doing this and realized why.  I had not forgiven her and the actions I made towards any mention of her were not the nicest.  This unforgiveness was affecting me.  I was the one who was being nasty, and rude.  I was the one who was reacting out of this pain that would never be resolved until I had dealt with it.  I was the one who should ask her forgiveness.

When I decided to follow the ways of Christianity, it was with the given that I would be forgiven for all my wrongs.  It didn't matter how many times I repeated those wrongs, but I would continue to be forgiven.  Jesus says to forgive not just seven times but seventy times seven.  It is not my job to hold mistakes over people's heads - no matter how hurtful they might have been to me.  Forgiveness not only allows me to breathe properly but heal and move on.  This woman never knew how bad she hurt me.  She never knew I felt this way, never lost a moments sleep - but I did.  Anger and unforgiveness can do this.  I think that is why God wants us to forgive.  He doesn't want us to be held down by pain and hurt but he came to give life and life to the full.  I could not be living a full life if I was holding onto something that was holding no value.

So, out of no where, I forgave her.  I wish her the best.  I have to believe that who she was and what she did was not intentionally done to hurt me and even if it was, I would still have to forgive her.  Because at the end of the day - Jesus died to set us free, he forgave me and set the precedent - which makes it my job to forgive those around me, regardless of how bad it may have hurt.  In this forgiveness, there is freedom.  She never has that power over me and I am able to move on.  Therein lies the beauty of forgiveness.

-his beloved.

love

http://elitedaily.com/dating/first-time-fall-love-determine-entire-life/601344/

read this article today.  Got me thinking about the people I have loved in my life.

When I was in kindergarten, I was "dating" Kevin Elkins. He was so cute and we were in the same class together.   He used to walk me home everyday and give me a kiss in my log cabin.  One day, I didn't want to kiss any longer so we broke up.  Probably an early harsh reality, I suppose.

The next male I recall being important in my life was one of my best friends growing up.  I grew up pretty socially awkward, so I didn't have many male friends, actually, I don't recall having ANY male friends at all. But this boy from school started hanging out with me - one can only wonder why- and he introduced me to a life outside my sheltered bubble.   I think that's why I liked him so much, because I experienced life with him.  He taught me many things and I love him still, but in a healthy way that one should love such a friend.  I did crush on him pretty hard in high school though, but again - I think it was only because he was the only guy I felt comfortable around.  

The next guy I recall being involved with was a first boyfriend of mine.  His name was Allen and I am not sure how we met but we did and it was mostly a prepubescent attempt at sexuality.  For two weeks we talked like lovers without the knowledge that we were young and had no clue what it meant to love someone. He was the first boy I ever messed around with but  I was too embarrassed to continue. Like I said, we were 11.

My junior year, I met Landon.  He was wonderful.   Something totally outside my social circle and full of new ideas.  We dated for awhile but the world ripped us apart. He encompassed my entire world, I loved him but again, I had no idea what love was.  I knew what I was feeling, but I didnt know what LOVE was.

After Landon, I thought I loved a guy named aaron, but that was just a fling full of lust and passion.  Like any quickly burning flame, it died just as fast as it sprang up.

and then there was Zach.

This guy.  weird. awkward.  totally cool.  he made people laugh and was a leader.  He paved his own path and I admired him for that.  I remeember the day I met him, he captured my attention and made a lasting memory.   We began as friends.  soon, our emails became more intimate while I traveled over the summer and when I returned, there was something there.  I fell in love.  and man did i fall hard.  we dated and eventually got engaged but from the very beginning, God told me it wouldn't work.  We prayed and fasted for him to change his mind and continued with the relationship anyways. It was a ride.  It was the RAW love that article talked about.  We were young but we knew how to love each other - or at least we knew how to try.  I remember this love being real, thick like honey, intoxicating, passionate and full of emotion.  when it was good, it was really good and when it was bad, it was really bad.  we eventually ended things for more than one reason. He would tell you I gave up on him - he might be right.  I agree with him, mostly because I want to keep the peace, but I would tell you that it was him telling me he loved me but then asking other girls for pictures of themselves, or writing how much he loved and missed another girl while we were engaged that started the distrust for me.  I would tell you that I prayed for God to give me a sign that it was right and that the holy spirit kept telling me that it was time to end things.  I would also tell you that while I tried to grow into someone, I think it scared him and he tried to hold onto me, scared I would jump back into my old lifestyle again.  I would tell you that I felt suffocated and allowed it to happen because I loved him and in retrospect, it was all unhealthy.  Finally, I would tell you that despite him being depressed, my heart shattered when he told me he couldn't love me.  Even if he meant that he needed to repair his broken heart before he could be my everything agian, all those things combined is why I would tell you that I didn't give up, I chose to let go.  In my mind, I didn't see the logic in continuing a relationship that made me feel like that, hurt like that and be spiritually strained like that - especially if he couldn't love me.

That love made its mark on me.  I gave him a chunk of my heart and I am changed by his soul.  I am happy to have shared my spirit with him, but I would have never become who I am today had I chosen to stick around.  I have no regrets in that regard.

Then, there was .... LANDON again :)

This guy. After the separation, I was broken.  I was a hot mess.  But this guy, all cool calm and chill comes along and accepts me, hot mess and all.  He lets me do whatever I want. I can think whatever I want and do what I want and he just loves me.  We started out rough.  we were both selfish and rude.  but over time, we have learned how to LOVE.  The love that consumes your life. The real kind of love.  It is healthy and mature and pure.  He looks at me and I can see the love radiate off his eyes.  He makes me feel so safe and secure without even trying.  We may not have a passionate love, but we have this.. real love.  we have this burning fire that flares and ebbs with time and passing.  Our love is organic.  it is the most real thing I have ever felt in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I won't apologize for that.  I will never apologize for something so beautiful. for something so healthy and happy.  I have never been more free to experience my life with someone by my side.  He gives me so much strength just by trusting me and allowing me the freedom to discover life and my interests.  this is love.  How lucky am I?

My friend Stephanie said it the best: Love that is gritty, straining, focused, sweaty, and adventurous love. A love full of gentle hand-holding, mean and spiteful yelling, laughing fun, bitter tears and cold shoulders, sweet forgiveness, dry determination, dull endurance, inside jokes, just-when-I-needed-them hugs, painful confrontation, and overall, a powerful and purposeful companionship. A never-ending choice

Love.  I could write a thousand words on how I feel and never get the emotion on the pages.  But I know that I am in love and I know I have experienced a varieties of love.  I will cherish it, protect it and shield it with the best of my abilities.   Because I know I have been blessed with something so wonderful and real.

God knew I would choose this path before he showed me my future.  He still speaks to me about my future.  God knew I would make this decision long before I did and I believe he is blessing my path.  There is no shame in love.  there are no laws against love.  its so beautiful.

-His beloved

reconciliation pt. 2

I've spent many hours struggling with the thoughts of my previous post. I talked to one of the women that I work with and she helped me realize that it all comes down to making peace with the fact that I have no control over what the universe does.

 Now, I have to fit this into my faith somehow because I do believe in a loving God and I live by the words "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to his purposes" (Romans 8:28)So. This is my conclusions so far. Yes. I have no control over this universe or what anyone may or may not do or not do in my life. I have no control over what may happen to those around me and I cannot answer why bad things happen to good people. I don't think it always "means" something. I do not think God is always "testing" us when bad things happen. I think that there are so many people on this planet with a million different fragments embedded in their souls that cause actions and reactions. A past hurt, a past triumph, a bad day, a good thing, a wrong idea, a cocky attitude. I think all these things combined create a chaos. I think God allows a lot of these things to continue because he does not interfere with free will. But I also have to believe that God intervenes in ways I am ignorant of. I do not know how many of the bad things in my life were lessened for my sake, or how many things he knew I would overcome despite the consequences to my character.  It is for this reasoning, I believe grace abounds more than we can imagine.  The christian who killed himself - why do we believe he died in sin?  Why do we believe there is a black and white that condemns him to hell?  I don't, and I am sorry if that is offensive to believers but its the holy spirits job to correct me so I wouldn't worry too much.

I do not believe that God is black and white.  I do not believe that God condemns us for our ignorance.  I believe our hearts are deeper than that and our ignorance deeper still.  So. I have to reconcile my questions to God.  I have no control and what control I do have is based upon me.  If a car smashes into me and damages my brain, I will have the control to end care that will keep me in a vegetative state.  I have to believe my life meant something while I was alive.  I have to believe in my death, I will still mean something. I have to live in the moment.

I have to live in the moment.  I must be present in this moment.  Right now.  pray for what I hope for but be thankful for what I have now.  right now.  I have to stop the laments of what I cannot control/have/want/wish for.

I have to live in the now because that's all I do have control over and I will have to learn to make peace with the lack of actual control I do have.

- His beloved.

Reconciliation

How do we reconcile a happy ending fairy tail to a perfect god? Who taught us that we get happy endings? We'd be lucky if we scrapped by without an illness or horrible split of relationship in the family. We'd be lucky to survive a horrible storm that destroys our entire lives. What of our dreams and goals? Who taught us that we can have anything? 

These thoughts aren't true. we would be counted blessed to have a life with only a few tragedies. What of the people who live in constant tragedy? The broken and penniless in Africa? Are they broken? Or have they learned to consider every good day a blessing? Do they believe they deserve the big house, with the dog and no harm or illness? Do Africans believe in happily ever after? Bad things should never happen to good people but they do all the time. Children are left alone and abandoned all the time. Girls and boys are sold into sex trafficking all the time. People are bullied because of race, religion and color all the time. 

This world is a tangle of love and hate, humanity and desparity. What is my perspective? I find it's being challenged right now and I want to with all my heart worship the god I believe is good despite the broken and bad things that may be in my life. How do I sing when I allow the bad to break my song? How do you worship god when you just want to cry? What is the real happy ending? Does it even exist? How do I reconcile these thoughts with the gospel? 

I need to spend some time with broken people who have perspective. learn to sing when the words are ripped from the heart. Is that the real happy ending? I hate that everything always comes back to God for me. In the end, I must choose to sing for he is good despite the chaos I live in. In the end- is he the only happy ending? Is it just a better perspective? 

I don't know.

- his beloved

Don't just be in the moment.. Be present

Sometimes, all we need is a hand to hold.  I work with old people, all types of generational appeal and class.  A lot of these people have dementia or Alzheimer's disease which is sad because I am sure they have stories upon stories untold and long forgotten hidden inside their minds.  One such individual, a woman in her nineties, 98 to be exact, was in the prime of her sundowners for the day (which is a fancy term for people with such diseases as her who become upset, confused, concerned, aggressive - really anything other than okay) and she wheeled over to me in her wheelchair and said in her little voice "hey." Hey. Hey. Hey.  

I turned around and she just looked at me with her knowing eyes and said "my back hurts."

I asked her if she wanted to lay down to which she replied she would lay down when she was good and ready. She was upset so I took

Her hand and she stilled. I just held her hand for a minute. Two minutes. Three. Finally I put my charting down and committed to the act of holding her hand. She calmed. 

After while she took her hand back and wheeled away but she imparted much wisdom to me while we held hands. Don't just be in the moment . Be present in the moment . Put aside your agenda and be with someone. Listen without texting. Listen without interrupting to respond. Take the time out of your life to give of yourself the way THEY need it instead of how you are most comfortable with it. It's these little things that make the biggest difference. This is how you save lives , promote healing, strengthen bonds.  But mostly, this is how you calm the storm- by sitting in it with someone. 

We were never meant to be alone. 

An ode to love

open is the wound of the affliction of my heart

For my deepest burning desire keeps the incision peeled apart 

Where once an iron cage kept my weary soul from longing

Now freed from protection, my heart drips with the delight of belonging

Innocent and unsure is the road to fury and passion

But love, sweet love, marks the way with subtle directions 

Gone are the days, my being kept behind a wall

Though safe and sultry, no love thrived at all

Ripped apart to all love desires

My heart stands bare simmering in fire. 

Regret

Regret?

It’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I used to want to be one of those people who would charge into life with their fists held high screaming the motto “NO REGRETS!!”  I always wished I felt that way but I never have.  It would be a lie to myself if I ever proclaimed such a thing.  The thing is, I do have regrets.  Many of them.  I have made a lot of mistakes and my poor personality complex towards humanity screams each one of said regrets in the face of another.  I have the ability to beat myself up until I have no self-esteem left.  I can be pretty critical. 

Because I feel these things, I do have regrets.  I wish I had done this thing differently, or I wish I had stood up for my friend better.  Regrets stem out of the idea of who we want to be.  Whether it be the fact that we don’t want to be the douche bag friend and not hurt so many peoples feeling or we want to be the brave assertive person who says what they feel and takes life by the balls.  Regret is an emotion brought forth by something that happened the way we didn’t want it to.

No regrets.  The war cry sounds like an awesome idea.  Who wants to feel those emotions anyways?  We beat ourselves up, feel really crappy, and it follows us around – if you let it.  However, I think regret helps us grow.  I think feeling those things helps us turn ourselves around and change.  Become a better person; stand up for that friend the next time.  Regret has the ability to turn us into the people we know we can be.  

Regret is something I have been feeling a lot of lately.  A very close family friend lies in her bed ready to pass away and I waited to call.  I don’t know why I waited – I think I was avoiding the awkward death conversation.  I wanted to believe she would be okay.  I wanted to deal with it later.  I wanted to procrastinate the inevitable.  I cannot talk to her or go visit her now because she is almost ready to pass and cannot hear or talk back to me.  I will never be able to say I got the chance to say goodbye.  I have been kicking myself since I found out.  I never want this to happen again and I hate to say that she is the reason for my change but from now on, I will call.  I never want to put aside for tomorrow what needs to be done today because it makes me uncomfortable.  This regret that I feel for not calling my friend has irrevocably changed my entire view on procrastination and relationships. I do it a lot. 

Regret can be a good thing. So now when I hear carpe diem, yolo, no regrets and the like- instead of wishing I felt that way- now I will. Because hopefully I have made enough mistakes to make the right choices the first go around. And if not? I'll use regret to my advantage so no opportunity in life is wasted. 

- his beloved 

 

 

Transcending reality

It's interesting how quickly one can transcend reality by jumping back into a memory. A phrase, a song, the sound of the birds, the rain of the roof. Anything, everything - it can rip you straight from your world and into the past where a moment lies forever burned into your soul.  It could be something one wouldn't remember until the smell of melted butter reminded them, or it could be a fond memory of a lover that occurs after that song plays on the radio.  

Did we even know that the memory was stored in our infinite folders of personal data? How much do we even know about ourselves? 

One cannot recreate the moment but is taken by surprise when they are whisked away to confront the moment as a bystander.  The moment is fleeting, leaving us with either positive or negative emotions as a gift to add to our lives. 

Yes, the moment was good- or bad- or rarely as tangible as these transcending moments create but the past IS the past and I cannot change such a fact. 

I think I've arrived

I have found peace. By peace I would argue that I have found a soothing to my soul. It would be safe to say that I have spent much time chasing my own sanity all the while losing it. 

This year, it has been ten years since Christ found me.  I would tell you my "salvation story/testimony" but at the risk of being scorned, I will save that for later. Alas, February 25 2004, I lay on my bathroom floor engaged in a battle of wills. To believe or not believe in a God I had always heard about and maybe even possibly experienced. To make a choice.

Well choose I did. I chose to try living for him, my mustard seed faith was small but it was enough.  when I awoke the following morning, I felt something in my heart I could try to explain but would fail. A fullness, a depth, a passion, a fire, desire. Something bigger than I. And so my walk began. Actually, to be honest it sort of started as a crawl and then morphed into a blinding run.  I wanted to know everything I could possibly know about Jesus.  I met people who knew Jesus, I found a church and devoured the bible. I loved who Jesus was. I was in love with him.  now for the cynic who would argue that one could not be "in love" with Jesus, i understand where you're coming from. Sounds crazy. And maybe I was a little bit. but yes, I was infatuated and in love with him. 

Fast forward four years and time would find me knee deep in my second to last year of bible school. I was going to school to be a missionary (which upon thoughtful reflection, one does not actually NEED school to do such things but hey, it was where I felt like I was supposed to be at that time. I was engaged to my Christian boyfriend, leading an all girls self esteem small group, and getting ready for my missionary internship in Egypt. 

I don't know exactly what the catalyst was. I don't know if I actually sat down and processed my faith or just surrounded myself with like minded individuals but my steam was running out. It just all seemed so... Pointless.  

My perfect Christian life seemed so forced and fake, like I wasn't being genuine at all. The hypocrisy I walked in nearly drowned me. Of course I wasn't much aware of these emotions at the time, but I knew something was wrong. 

I think the breaking point was when I was excitedly talking about the Pentecostal church I attended and my boyfriend interrupted me saying "I wish you would just think a little deeper sometimes."  

I was properly offended and he explained to me something along the lines of how I wasn't a deep thinker and wished I would think about things more.  I think he was trying to encourage me to think outside the box, which was nice of him but it really just shattered the faith I had in my faith.  I didn't realize there was another way to think about it because that's how it was portrayed to me. I was living the way it was. 

However, I prayed. I prayed that god would grant me wisdom beyond my years, depth and thoughts full of knowledge. I never wanted to feel shallow again.  Thus, my "deep thinking" began. I began to question EVERYTHING which please, don't get me wrong, is so so healthy- but if you choose to question, be ready to figure out how to answer. 

it turned into a dark place.  Ignorance really can be a blissful place.  

I found my faith again while traveling Egypt but the real journey started after I graduated. My fiancé and I split due to many many things but I honestly believe him and I wouldn't have worked because he had his ideas about how things should be and I had my (very different) opinions  The ideas clashed and could not be reconciled. despite the brutal split, he carries a place in my heart. 

I reacquainted myself to a man from my past who was as liberal as liberal could be. How free! he was loving and accepting and let me be. If I wanted to drink, we drank. If I wanted to yell, he was strong enough to handle it and man enough to put me in my place when I needed it. If I wanted to curse or bar hop or drink and smoke, he was acceptant. he taught me what it meant to be and let be. To accept and love for exactly who you are in the present moment. He teaches me to think outside myself.  

I'm getting off topic, thinking. Yes, I thought. I Thought about my stance on EVERYTHING. Abortion, drinking, god, sex, porn, drugs, politics, guns, heaven, hell, purgatory, Catholics, atheism, masturbation, the bible, immorality and what the hell did I believe about the bible.   I spent a year trying to do this while serving in my church after moving home from Christian school which was painful. I felt my social Christian obligation to the wonderful Christians I had met along the way but I also felt the freedom of sin that was so freely available to my veins. Sin won out. Sin was freedom. Was sin really sin? 

I stopped attending church on the preface of working too much and not able to wake up which although true, really the truth was that you don't feel comfortable in church when you aren't trying to live for Jesus. the Holy Spirit squeezes at your heart and makes you want to tear your soul in two. How tortuous. Forget all that noise. So I stopped. I kept up a nice facade with the people who loved me like my youth pastor and his wife. Those are some legit people. 

Anyways, I think I was just over it. Over the selfless, the missionary, the people first and I wanted to be the opposite of all those things. So I did. I drank, smoked, and did my thing for a long while until I started noticing my personality started changing into someone I wasn't necessarily proud of. I was yelling more, thinking of myself more, treating my friends not as great, and generally just being a big asshole. but that's what happens when you live for yourself for 4 years. You get selfish. You develop a temper. You become a jerk. 

It was this thought that began turning my soul to more Christ like thoughts and questions. Also, as I thought through my thoughts on life, I developed into a pensive person. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I like to understand things. I learned that about myself, so when my questions weren't answered, I sought my answers. 

My desire to return to my faith was birthed by a hole. when you meet with Jesus, you collide with something bigger than yourself. When You welcome this bigger thing into your life, you notice its absence when you push it away. I was noticing. so I went searching for my answers in the bible. I vowed to read it cover to cover and not stop until I figured out what I needed to know.  While I was thinking about doing this, I began attending a church. Okay. That's a lie. I attended bi monthly until one day I saw their advertisement for a nursery helper. I felt like I should do it. So I did.  Now I had to come to church once a month. And that's all it was for awhile.  But I grew to know the people and the pastor and his wife were annoyingly Jesus like.  The Jesus described in the bible.  Not the Jesus our culture acts like.  Living, loving, welcoming, inviting, so freaking beautiful and full of love. I liked that.

I never wanted to be a part of something fake. I didn't want to be a stereotype Christian living a religion no one took seriously, but these people were doing something I was into. Love.  

So, I sought this love. Which has led me to read the bible, seek Jesus, find my faith.  I have finally decided for myself that Jesus is something I'm into.  I feel like figuring that out has brought me peace.  

I'm not perfect, I'm still selfish, I'm still all about practical thinking and I know many would argue the impractical nature of following Jesus. That's okay, I get it.  But I still know what I've lived and what I've experienced. 

Now while I figure things out, I can do so with a measure of peace resting in my heart and a proverbial hand in my hand.  I choose Jesus. By doing so, I've found peace I didn't know I didn't have. 

Until next time

-his beloved

Discipline cleanses the soul

Ive started working out recently. Awhile ago, I blew my hip out training for a triathalon and I havent been able to run properly since. It sucks being so limited. However, swimming has become a constant recently. I could swim laps all day I think. Its nice to be able to swim instead of run because I can actually lose weight while I do it. Keeping my weight off helps my hip feel normal. Ive discovered that you will lose weight when you want to. I mean, I always wanted to but now I am just SO tired of having a goal and not getting anywhere near it that I really WANT to lose weight. There is this banner at the swimming pool that says " the mind leads the body" and its so true. I have been making myself get up and go do things to be active despite the lazy inside me pleading to stop because what I want is bigger than that. The discpline in making yourself follow through with a commitment has taught me a few things. 1. Our life is not meant to live meaninglessly. We are not meant to eat however we want all the time, drink whatever we want all the time and not reap reprocussions from it.

2. Consistency pays off. Sometimes you have got to suck it up and do it because a body in motion stays in motion and if I want to continue to grow, I've gotta stay in motion. 

3. sometimes you have to wait a LONG time to see your dreams become a reality. It's going to take awhile, but dreams are not made of fluffy clouds and cotton candy, it's made of hard work and determination. 

Discipline. It used to be such a negative word and now it's become so good. 

- his beloved