I've always been a fool

Convinced of my deception

I've always been a fool

I fear this love reaction

Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie

About the love it brings

And I could never promise

To be any of those things

[Chorus:]If I was not so weak

If I was not so cold

If I was not so scared of being broken

Growing old I would be..

I would be...I would be...

Blessed are the shallow

Depth they'll never find

Seemed to be some comfort

In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows

You take the cup from me

Your dirt removes my blindness

Your pain becomes my peace

[Chorus]

...frail

I am.. this song. Its so vague and I always sit and listen to it finding out a new depth to it. Fraility would be a good thing in the christain sense - the meak inherit the earth. I shoould be sensitive enough to let and allow jesus to mold me. And I do not. I fight with him all the time. and if I wasnt so stubborn maybe I could be frail. I could be strong in him.

I am the only one to blame for this

Somehow it all ends up the same

Soaring on the wings of selfish pride

I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind

To rid myself of all but loveto give and die

To turn away and not become

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves

more deeply than the oceans,more abundant than the tears

Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice

Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart

To need you - I am on my knees

To love you - take my world apart

To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone

Amongst remains of a life I should not own

It takes all I am to believe

In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost and wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain More and more I need you now,I owe you more each passing hour the battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago So steal my heart and take the pain and wash the feet and cleanse my pride take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty, take my tears the sin-soaked heart and make it yours take my world all apart take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise speak the words I can't deny watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost so wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain so steal my heart and take the pain take the selfish, take the weak and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty, take my tears take my world apart, take my world apart I pray, I pray, I pray take my world apart

I found this...

I was looking around in my email for an bible verse and I found this poem I wrote in the fog of my mom's passing. I thought it was pretty good, so Im posting it here.

Its almost like my world has stopped

shifted realities

I exist on a plane not like yours

I see what you see

but its different

I am walking with you

but im not

My world has stopped

and yours continues

doesnt anyone see me?

Cant anyone hear me?

Does anyone feel what I feel

deep in my chest

the hurt

the pain

the constant reminder

of loss?

Where are you mom?

Why are you gone?

Can I be selfish

and wish for you back?

Does it even work that way?

Even if I wished

my wish would be washed

like the waves of the sea

insignificant

as I seem to be

I am lost in a fog

I walk alone

there are things in my chest

beating to get out

but no words for escape

no sounds for the pain

the tears dont even help

the groans cant mend the wound

I am stuck wondering

alone

I am grasping at straws

pulling at threads

nothing seems to help

I cant stop the thoughts

in my head

take the pain away

I cant get it out

someone come to my reality

and let me out

...
please let me out

every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around - vanilla sky

There is some true to this statement. In any moment, one can make a choice. It's those little choices that make all the difference. theoretically, one can go all the way to the ends of the earth - down the deepest spiral, into the greatest dream and in one moment change course. Just one moment. I remember when I got off the plane in California and I got the call that my mom was going to die. happy to sad. Excited to nervous wreck. 30 seconds from a voice mail and the course of my life changed forever. Think about the person who accidentally hits someone with their car. one second and their lives are different forever. just ONE second. Similarly, I could make one choice and my life would go in a completely different path than the one it's on right now.

every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. It's nice to know there aren't such black and white standards that one cannot escape from.

--jackie

Pass me by the priests who sing your praise

Take me past the outer courts

Into the Holy Place

Past the brazen altar

Lord I want to see your face

Pass me by the crowds of people

And the Priests who sing your praise

I hunger and thirst for your righteousness

But it's only found in one place

Take me into the holy of holies

Take me in by the blood of the lamb

Take me into the holy of holies

Take the coal, touch my lips, here I am

I saw this as my friends facebook status. I remember listening to this song once when I was a young Christan. I listened to it again and I am taken back to a time of passion, a time of new and realness a time of something I am not right now. I am gray. Then I was bright.

I'd like to say that I want to experience something like this song talks about. But I have. I do. Jesus is always the faithful one. If I die after a long and fulfilled life a Christian, it will be because he sustained me. Every time I see something that looks wonderful and shiny, I stray. I stray so hard. I walk and walk and walk away from him and am determined to just cut my own path and not need anyone. I don't listen. I don't stay content under his wing even though by every logical reasonings I should be. This song makes me wanna turn off all the lights and dance. I always long to dance, hands raised, heart bowed down. I dunno why - maybe its my free spirit nature but I wanna dance. Jesus is my Shepard. I am the sheep that wanders. and he's been calling to me from my high mountain top of danger. He's alluring. He's hard to turn a deaf ear. He's calling me home. I don't know why i just wanna keep fighting him. why he keeps calling is what amazes me. anyone else would have left me a long time ago.

jackie - by his grace, always his beloved

I think i was depressed

Last night I went to my church's harvest carnival all dressed up like an amazon woman. note what happened at the bouncy house:

Me: I wanna jump in the bouncy house

Megan: Lets do it

*line says* this bouncy house designed for children ages 6-10.

Me: lets just stand in line and hope he doesn't notice our age

Megan: are you sure?

Me:what have we got to loose really?

Megan: Okay

Rob (bouncy house admitter): um.. you really wanna jump in here?

Me: can we pleaseeeee?

Megan: yeah

Me: cmon

Rob: okay

Me: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Megan: Really????!!!

Rob: come on in

Megan enters house first than me and two other girls our age

I begin to jump -

Me: Yyayaaayyyy!! Im in a bouncy house! Im in a bouncy house! Im bouncing in a bouncy house! Yay yay yay!

This situation would have never happened a year ago. I wouldn't have even let my heart begin to desire such a thing. For certainly, bouncy houses are made and designed for kids. I shouldn't even want that. recently, someone told me that they had noticed a positive change in me. and someone else told me, oh, the real Jackie is coming back. Everyone told me that because I was with my current boyfriend, I had changed into this.. debby downer. But you know what else I was dealing with? The loss of the other half of my heart, the loss of my mom being my mom. See, I lost my mom awhile before she died - she was my mom but not my mom, someone i needed to take care of. And then she died. and then I was mourning the loss of schooling - what should I do now? I was mourning the fact that my brothers and I dont have a really deep relationship. all that combined - I was a freakin mess. When i look back on last year - I remember mostly the feeling of cold, dark, rain. things just looked dark to me. and i think i'm gettin okay. I think death will have always touched me and the loss of first love will always leave me a bit cynical. My schooling woes are misplaced and I look forward to the future and I make my own choices about how i feel about my brothers. I choose to accept things as they are - because I am not around to change people.

As to those who feel as if my boyfriend is the brick on my back and the reason for my change I would recommend taking a look at who held my hand through my mom's funeral and who encouraged me to continue school if I missed it so bad. Who pushed me to keep going when I felt I couldn't and who comforted me and walked with me through the dark. I would also ask the question - when did you try to help and what did you do to help? This post sounds bitter and I dont say it in such a tone. I just mean to say - before you are so quick to judge, why not take a gander at yourself and when you can throw your stone, by all means let me know. Because the way I see it, Jesus is the only one who can throw a stone at my faults and sins but instead he choose to die to save me. He walked through the storm with me. Even when i wasn't aware of it. He stayed very close. he never threw a stone.

He walked me out to the sunshine I feel now. I think I was depressed. I think Im making it out of it. I definitely think I enjoy bouncy houses as well.

_ jackie