I think i was depressed

Last night I went to my church's harvest carnival all dressed up like an amazon woman. note what happened at the bouncy house:

Me: I wanna jump in the bouncy house

Megan: Lets do it

*line says* this bouncy house designed for children ages 6-10.

Me: lets just stand in line and hope he doesn't notice our age

Megan: are you sure?

Me:what have we got to loose really?

Megan: Okay

Rob (bouncy house admitter): um.. you really wanna jump in here?

Me: can we pleaseeeee?

Megan: yeah

Me: cmon

Rob: okay

Me: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Megan: Really????!!!

Rob: come on in

Megan enters house first than me and two other girls our age

I begin to jump -

Me: Yyayaaayyyy!! Im in a bouncy house! Im in a bouncy house! Im bouncing in a bouncy house! Yay yay yay!

This situation would have never happened a year ago. I wouldn't have even let my heart begin to desire such a thing. For certainly, bouncy houses are made and designed for kids. I shouldn't even want that. recently, someone told me that they had noticed a positive change in me. and someone else told me, oh, the real Jackie is coming back. Everyone told me that because I was with my current boyfriend, I had changed into this.. debby downer. But you know what else I was dealing with? The loss of the other half of my heart, the loss of my mom being my mom. See, I lost my mom awhile before she died - she was my mom but not my mom, someone i needed to take care of. And then she died. and then I was mourning the loss of schooling - what should I do now? I was mourning the fact that my brothers and I dont have a really deep relationship. all that combined - I was a freakin mess. When i look back on last year - I remember mostly the feeling of cold, dark, rain. things just looked dark to me. and i think i'm gettin okay. I think death will have always touched me and the loss of first love will always leave me a bit cynical. My schooling woes are misplaced and I look forward to the future and I make my own choices about how i feel about my brothers. I choose to accept things as they are - because I am not around to change people.

As to those who feel as if my boyfriend is the brick on my back and the reason for my change I would recommend taking a look at who held my hand through my mom's funeral and who encouraged me to continue school if I missed it so bad. Who pushed me to keep going when I felt I couldn't and who comforted me and walked with me through the dark. I would also ask the question - when did you try to help and what did you do to help? This post sounds bitter and I dont say it in such a tone. I just mean to say - before you are so quick to judge, why not take a gander at yourself and when you can throw your stone, by all means let me know. Because the way I see it, Jesus is the only one who can throw a stone at my faults and sins but instead he choose to die to save me. He walked through the storm with me. Even when i wasn't aware of it. He stayed very close. he never threw a stone.

He walked me out to the sunshine I feel now. I think I was depressed. I think Im making it out of it. I definitely think I enjoy bouncy houses as well.

_ jackie