middle gray - middle ground - lukewarm and other synonyms

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I try to get involved with the girls I think of as model Christians, but I don't really like the cliquey feel, I don't like the gossip, and I especially don't like the judgements. There was this one time I was standing outside with the youth group near a woman smoking a cigarette and one of the leaders dropped a comment about how they needed to move because they didn't want to be around the nasty smell of smoke - very loudly so that smoker would hear. How annoying. What was the point in that? Why? who cares if you are uncomfortable, you can move but you don't need to shame her in the process. Where is the love of Christ in that? Similarly, I try to get involved with normal people, who drink occasionally, smoke on occasion and generally just live life the way they want. I desire that. But even then, I still feel uncomfortable when those around me are making fun of others, talking down to each other, and generally being two faced. (which i am guilty of from time to time but this is a practice that I try to avoid). I can't fit in anywhere. I feel like i sorta fit in but i have my own mind and my own thoughts and they may or may not be accepted and I may or may not care.

I want to live a normal life - but i was birthed for extraordinary events. To be perfectly honest, I would never be happy settling down in a "normal" life. I would always wanna go. Cuz thats what I wanna do. Always move, always grow, always experience. Always live. Man, You don't even know how deep the desires of my heart are to live. I wanna do everything. Wanna learn everything. Wanna record everything. And i wanna do it on my own time. I have a hard time listening to anyone else's advice unless I am ready to hear it. Simply because I have always learned the hard way - a habit I am sure will continue until my dying day. Maybe thats because I don't trust many, maybe it's because some part of me knows they are right but wants to see if I could be right too.

I miss something. I almost feel as if I have dabbled in to much to have any kind of naive faith or belief in humanity anymore. But I wouldn't wanna wonder through this world being led like a lamb to the slaughter, I want truth. Always truth. In this constant changing of my mind and life, My constant has always been Jesus. its like a hurricane is waging war all around me. My hair is a tangled mess in my eyes and I cannot see through my tears but Jesus is calm, Jesus is the middle - he is the peace that I seek and run from. I am nothing but a jumble of conundrums. I am a mess and he is.. solice. I never feel awkward or out of place when i am with him. I never feel like my thoughts are bad or that I am in the middle when I am with him. I feel right.

This earth can offer some of the most splendid things to eat, to see, experience, feel and yet it can also bring the most hurtful pain, sights and sounds to the heart. I am longing for something this world cannot satisfy and I concur just like c.s lewis, that I am not of this world. Oddly, even after writing that, I am reminded that I try so hard to live in this world although I am destined for another. I am in the middle. I live salt and fresh, I live me and God. I live black and white, hot and cold, good and evil. I live in a shaded line of existence that will not sustain life for very long. I cannot do me and serve God at the same time. And I want to. I really wanna just do things my way and make Jesus my prayer vending machine. I want to throw fits when he says no and be a two year old when he doesn't act fast enough for me. God, I am so spoiled.

it is a lonely place in the middle. I think I am too cynical for my own good. My fairy tales shattered one evening by a chapel near a lake. Not that I am all angsty after a bad situation, but I had a horribly naive faith, belief in people, belief in life. Now i am left with the stark reality but filled with hope that god is here, and he is good. God is good. I cling to that. even when i dont understand, or believe. I know that God is good. I am just trying to figure my way through this life. find some balance. and all i've gleamed for now is that God is good. God is here. God is my constant. God is Jesus. Jesus is love. I cannot serve love and selfishness at the same time. I need to choose a side cuz this middle ground crap is lonely and unfulfilling. its gray. the sun or moon are constants. gray is just... so... blah.

his beloved.

The intricate connectivity of those we love

A friend of mine's uncle is dying. Her cousin will be without a father in a couple days. Her Aunt without a husband and the family lacking in someone of worth. Uncle, Father, cousin, aunt, husband, friend. All these titles given to such a small amount of people but what a huge impact a death in anyone's life has on others.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. Just the fact that as a society - we are a community orientated people. Albeit this community is mostly electronically socially orientated - we still desire community. We still interact and share our lives with more than just our friends. When my mom died, my friends had to deal with it too. When my life shatters - my friends have to deal with it in some way. Same thing with my friends. I was feelings really content (as i deep cleaned my place) when i got a phone call from my friend telling me the news. Literally in about 5 seconds - my disposition and emotional status is changed. It effects me too. My friend will obviously receive the brunt of the sorrow but I will grieve for my friend. I will grieve for their family - their families friends. I didn't realize just how connected we really are.

I was a little saddened by my friends news. I cant begin to imagine how I acted after my mom died. But I appreciate the friends who stuck by me and treated me normal even though I was anything but normal. I am saddened at the ones who were too uncomfortable around me to hear me. But I understand. I love people and I love to share my heart with them - I just never knew I would be sharing more than that and caring more than I thought. Not that Im upset by it - I am just amazed at how as completely different people become friends - and learn to love eachother and walk with eachother through the hard stuff. My life isn't just mine. I share it with others and when they grieve - I will grieve and likewise. How beautiful of Jesus to know we needed that.

--xx his beloved

curious

Even when I start to think things will remain the same - in some aspects.. I am again surprised when they do not. Life really is a constant flowing change of river - people, places, ideas and dreams all flowing and moving will always change. It is inevitable. people will change as they meet new people, when they experience death, experience grace, love... when they live. I was thinking fondly about an old friend of mine once and I had to tell myself that the reason I don't talk to him anymore isn't because of issues between us, its because I loved him at a time when he was the best person i'd ever known. His life has changed now as well and I don't like who he is.. wouldn't ever want to be with someone like that again. He is changed, and I as well.

I have a friend - one I have cherished for more than 6 years.. all of a sudden it seemed she has become someone i hardly know anymore. Says things that isn't who she is.. acts like someone i never knew. it blindsides me. hurts my heart.. but I cannot hold back the river. Similarly - when my mom died, my views on death and heaven changed. My views on people changed. My views in this world changed. When I ended a relationship that I never wanted to end and would have NEVER expected to have end - my world view changed. when I experienced life in egypt - i changed. I suppose I would never want to stay stagnant and be the same.. I suppose Change is good.. except i think it is curious how we change for the better - and the worse.

I suppose I want my friend back. I suppose I'd like my mom to be here. I suppose I'd like to be comfortable in the idea of a marriage that would last - but change makes me feel like it wouldn't. I suppose the bad changes can still become the good changes.. and I suppose when Jesus changes us, its always for our bettering.. But the control freak in me wants to be certain about some people.. certain about some things.. and in reality - the only thing I am certain about is that Jesus will always be with me. I cannot expect a marriage to last - I can only try my hardest on my side but whats to say any person I am with will one day decide to change.

I suppose change scares and invigorates me.