curious

Even when I start to think things will remain the same - in some aspects.. I am again surprised when they do not. Life really is a constant flowing change of river - people, places, ideas and dreams all flowing and moving will always change. It is inevitable. people will change as they meet new people, when they experience death, experience grace, love... when they live. I was thinking fondly about an old friend of mine once and I had to tell myself that the reason I don't talk to him anymore isn't because of issues between us, its because I loved him at a time when he was the best person i'd ever known. His life has changed now as well and I don't like who he is.. wouldn't ever want to be with someone like that again. He is changed, and I as well.

I have a friend - one I have cherished for more than 6 years.. all of a sudden it seemed she has become someone i hardly know anymore. Says things that isn't who she is.. acts like someone i never knew. it blindsides me. hurts my heart.. but I cannot hold back the river. Similarly - when my mom died, my views on death and heaven changed. My views on people changed. My views in this world changed. When I ended a relationship that I never wanted to end and would have NEVER expected to have end - my world view changed. when I experienced life in egypt - i changed. I suppose I would never want to stay stagnant and be the same.. I suppose Change is good.. except i think it is curious how we change for the better - and the worse.

I suppose I want my friend back. I suppose I'd like my mom to be here. I suppose I'd like to be comfortable in the idea of a marriage that would last - but change makes me feel like it wouldn't. I suppose the bad changes can still become the good changes.. and I suppose when Jesus changes us, its always for our bettering.. But the control freak in me wants to be certain about some people.. certain about some things.. and in reality - the only thing I am certain about is that Jesus will always be with me. I cannot expect a marriage to last - I can only try my hardest on my side but whats to say any person I am with will one day decide to change.

I suppose change scares and invigorates me.