favor?

The Holy Spirit has been whispering one word to me for the past month. FAVOR. Its getting quite frustrating because I'm not certain why He continues to let me know I have favor in my life. I feel like who I am is blessed with a continual amount of favor. Who the heck am I that I would be so blessed. I am a clumsy fool, stumbling over even the smallest sinful blocks that would come my way. The thing I am left to wonder after deciding that I am blessed with a larger than normal level of favor in my life is why. For what purpose has God ordained that I should need favor to exceed his plans? I am a dandilion flolating on the wind right now. I know where I want to go, where I should go but have a reasonably difficult time getting there. I like my stumbling blocks - far more than I should. I feel as if the blessed favor is wasted on me. Being a missionary? There are better suited canidates. Why me? Favor? I am still pondering such things.

_his beloved, always

Alien

I feel like an alien. I do not fit in with any type of social spere, I am 100% me and I don't find quite too many people I can be totally comfortable with.  Which is really okay, but I just lament when people I did get along with very comfortably, become not so comfortable:( I feel like I am a different sort of person, fully committed to enjoying the beauty around me- intend at enjoying gods creatures but different from other people. I am not satisfied living some mundane life. I must go somewhere.. Accomplish something.. I am..I Feel alone. 

I feel as if I cannot be satisfied going to the mall and worrying about the boy who checked so an so out. I think it's silly. I cannot be satisfied living a run of the mill life.  I do not think I could ever life the life of one who partakes daily in any type of substance foreign
To the body. It just feels so mundane, so pointless. I like to
Have my mind free and clear so I can think and ponder, I sometimes wish I could live in a cloud of smoke and be okay but it's just not for me. 

I like being me. I like the things that are important to me, the beauty I see, the different way I view the world.. But I sometimes wish I could succumb to ignorance and enjoy the bliss that comes with.. I wonder if Jesus ever felt so alone. I wonder if I just sound like an arrogant jerk. I do not like feeling out of my element, but again- I do not believe I was ever designed to lead a normal life, because even out of my element, I adapt. I relate. I learn, grow, change, morph into someone that survives.   

I am not trying to be preposterous And admit to some level of super human amazingness, I just know that every situation ive been in, I have come out of stronger, wiser and ready to embrace the next challenge.
I am destined for great things.
That or I am one arrogant person very full of imagination - I haven't figured it out yet

His beloved  

My heart is sad within me. I don't know how to explain why. I only know that although I am very aware or change and have come to expect it, it hurts alot when it involves people you once knew and loved. I know people change. I know I have changed. I know life deals blows that can only change us, that one will be forever marred by. Death, heartbreak, loss, love. I also know that those around us can watch us change, even pointing out our new characteristics without us even seeing what they see. We walk along oblivious until one day we look around and ask how we got here? where did our old friends go? What's up with my new friends?? Who am I? Who do I wanna be? Why didnt I listen?

What sucks even more is being the friend left behind. Simply put, thats how I feel, but then I have to ask myself who I've left behind while I've been the one to change, marred by life. I like change. I expect it but it's these things that are least desired, completely unthought of and left to reappear like a rude slap kn the face. No one ever dreams about the realistic expectation of change- not all change is positive. Has mine been?? I know some who would say that it hasn't. I know some who would applaud my changes. Me? I daresay I enjoy the process of becoming me. That's important. No one else will be me exept me, so to the naysayers I would extend a preverbal finger- maybe that's a negative Aspect of my change- maybe not?

Regardless of the questions, I lament the loss of a friend because we lost our foundation when she pursued her change. It's sad. My heart cries. But I will morph into something stronger from it. I will change into someone stronger.

-his beloved

who the heck am i?

I am always amazed at the fact that God is good and he will never let me down. Always. It's like im waiting for him to prove me right. LIke i have this idea in my head that one day he actually will just let me down. Or I have this idea that because I am not living my life perfectly, i shouldn't recieve God's eternal blesssings. But he blows me away on that aspect too. I can't understand this guy. I think I do but thats a lie. I don't understand God. I don't understand unending love. Or Love without motive. I just cant grasp it. It's like trying to hold water. I can't!

it's frustrating. I have been given this awesome job, and it's like... I look around and wonder, how did I get here? I didn't expect my life to go like this but I like it. I like the way things are going. I just wanted to write my frusteration at not getting God though. But I suppose, what Kind of God would he be if I could figure him out all the way?

--his beloved.