There is a point in life where you have to come to terms with the fact that you are not in control. Maybe it's just me but I have been learning this lesson for my whole life. The way I grew up instilled a deep seated fear and self doubt that had roots into all the smallest crevices of my soul.
I wanted to write this moving blog about this cool experience I had when I began believing in Jesus Christ. Instead I just want to write whats real. I am ashamed of the gospel. I am ashamed to be a part of a following of people who love Jesus and I am ashamed to be ashamed. I have been hurt and burned by people from the church. I have been gossiped about, lied to, cheated, manipulated and been downright brainwashed by some skewed ideas about the bible. I have qualms about how mass churches are run amd how scare tactics are used to convince people to believe and the large amount of hypocrisy displayed.
My last year of college, I began challenging the things I once so blindly followed. I questioned the ethics of evangelism, the pressure to be "saved" and look "saved." I hated that I felt like I was only allowed to struggle with my "sins" for so long before being able to conquer them with God's help. I hated that I felt like I had to be on track all the time. I hated my understanding of grace, mercy and love. I pushed and shoved until I untangled myself from the identity I had found in Christ and began to form my own identity. This journey outside my faith has lasted nine years and I have finally found my way back to heavens door -- I think.
I am not sure if my experiences with Christ were real or hyper created by my desire to know God, but I have had what I believe is a real relationship with the creator of the universe. I feel silly saying it because it sounds preposterous to be "hearing from God" but I felt like at one point in my life there was an intimacy, a special place, a life changing presence to guide me, I talked to Jesus like he was my best friend - I told him about my plans to go to Africa to be his missionary. I told Jesus about my desire for wisdom and compassion. I cried in his arms when I was broken (which was a lot), and smiled into the clouds while basking in the knowledge that I was so loved. I dreamed of him and just floated in this purpose. I was ready to be a christian
My faith was challenged and swept right out from under my feet. I stopped following all the "rules" and did whatever I wanted. I got really selfish and bitter - another story for a later time, Lets just fast forward because this sounds super dramatic and I dont mean it to be. So I recently find out some news about myself that really rocks my world. It challenges my views on living a full life, forgiveness and selfless love. I really wanted to learn to focus on living life to the fullest extent of my existence in love, peace, understanding, faith, hope, strength, advocating for the weak, fighting to be better than yesterday. I just want to live my whole life in love.
My news solidified my understanding of surrender. I have no control in the world around me, I can only control me. In this surrender and journey to forgiveness and peace with the world around me, the past inside me and the future that dares me - i find myself reaching for that love that once enveloped me. I didn't want to be a stereotype, of course - to go find Jesus when things are dim - but it was more like, a really long journey of self discovery and finding peace instead of turmoil. In this journey I found many hang ups to believing in God but I just sort of decided finally to give God a try again and see where it would lead me instead of finding all the reasons before I could take a step.
I felt God ask me to fast something I enjoy for 40 days. the first thought I have when God asks me to do something is " am I crazy and showing signs of schizophrenia"? I just one day decided to give it a try and see what I would find. I began shedding insecurities, and found myself reaching out to that presence - that zen feeling you get when praying or venting to a good friend.
I found myself opening my heart to God and talking to an old friend from a very long time ago - full of awkward pauses and brief interactions. slowly though, the brief short - "hey, help me get a good parking spot" turned into a running monologue -I felt as if I was walking the garden with him - things felt right. Then I decided to break my fast - but i was surprised at the hesitancy I felt at disappointing this new friend I was relearning. All of a sudden I understood sin in a new light. I understood grace in a new light. I am in a place in my heart where I have developed a relationship with God and it isn't based on people in the church or how bad I followed all the rules despite wanting to. It wasn't about rules at all - its about the closeness of my friendship. Do I want to put all these things in between peace in a friendship? sometimes, when I am being selfish, I do. Even though I do though, he is ready to forgive, move on and pick right back up where we left off. A true friend.
As I redevelop this relationship, I am reconciling my old prejudices with my new understanding of Christ and the thoughts I have formed while wandering the world. I am learning to forgive those in the church who I feel let me down and finding surrender in the fact that people everywhere will let you down and letting go is really scary - not everyone can do it. However, I hope to be proud to call myself a christian again - maybe be a positive example of Christ. I think I may be finding Jesus again -- or showing signs of developing schizophrenia;)
-- beloved.
