the collision of faith and romancing the idea of return

I've spent a lot of time in my christian walk not walking. I have spent nearly half of my christian existence sitting down playing in the mud. When I collided with the christian faith, my entire being was changed.  I am changed.  I cannot ever go back to the person I was.  That person was dark, sad, lonely and depressed.  That person was lost in an ever circling tide that threatened to pull her under the water and into the depths forever.  That person ran away and hid in shame, slaughtered herself at the disgust of herself and ingested the world to escape the ever constant pain.

Jesus was always a bright spot in my life.  Even when serving him was hard, he was always the best thing.  I know that is hard to understand for those who have never collided with faith but that's just how it was.  I spent a good 5 years hot and heavy at the breast of Christianity.  I soaked up every word, every challenge, every good thing that I could do to dedicate myself to this culture until my rock was swept out from underneath me.  My safety net was torn to shreds and I was left standing in the mist of my ideologies.  How naive I was.  How young I was.

My rock taken from me, my faith challenged before me, my path skewed asunder ----  I took a leap and jumped off the bridge right into the muck I was saved from.  I spent a good three years giving myself over to my own desires.  Lust, desire, greed, hate, self. I spent a lot of time doing me.  One day, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself - or like myself.

So lets just fast forward to now.  I have finally come to the conclusion that I really do believe my faith.  I have spent many months finding out how I feel about things. A lot of these things are liberal ideas that pertain to gray areas of christian ideology.  I have a very good grasp of the Christian faith and the things it teaches but I also understand that people are gray. People are not black and white and I think it ludicrous to expect people to follow a rigid black and white rule system.   

For example: god says you shouldn't kill- that is pretty black and white however, if I kill someone protecting my family, I don't think I've done anything wrong.  The loss of the life is unfortunate but I won't condemn myself for doing something I had to.  Let's also say: you shouldn't lie.  But we tell our kids (in good fun and excitement) about Santa the Easter bunny and tooth fairy. It's all grey.

I have come from my journey with an understanding that I do not know the heart of man.  Even my own I have barely grasped and I cannot judge the truth unless I know it's entirety.  God knows the heart and he understands why we do some of the things we do and I think he has compassion on us.  I think god will understand why I felt it necessary to sin.  That is why we need a savior anyways. 

I understand that a lot of my ideas may not correlate to the Christian faith and like I said they are a bit liberal but until I am "transformed by the renewing of my mind" I like the balance I have achieved by my wanderings. I believe it will make me a better person and a more understanding Christian. 

His beloved