reconciliation pt. 2

I've spent many hours struggling with the thoughts of my previous post. I talked to one of the women that I work with and she helped me realize that it all comes down to making peace with the fact that I have no control over what the universe does.

 Now, I have to fit this into my faith somehow because I do believe in a loving God and I live by the words "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to his purposes" (Romans 8:28)So. This is my conclusions so far. Yes. I have no control over this universe or what anyone may or may not do or not do in my life. I have no control over what may happen to those around me and I cannot answer why bad things happen to good people. I don't think it always "means" something. I do not think God is always "testing" us when bad things happen. I think that there are so many people on this planet with a million different fragments embedded in their souls that cause actions and reactions. A past hurt, a past triumph, a bad day, a good thing, a wrong idea, a cocky attitude. I think all these things combined create a chaos. I think God allows a lot of these things to continue because he does not interfere with free will. But I also have to believe that God intervenes in ways I am ignorant of. I do not know how many of the bad things in my life were lessened for my sake, or how many things he knew I would overcome despite the consequences to my character.  It is for this reasoning, I believe grace abounds more than we can imagine.  The christian who killed himself - why do we believe he died in sin?  Why do we believe there is a black and white that condemns him to hell?  I don't, and I am sorry if that is offensive to believers but its the holy spirits job to correct me so I wouldn't worry too much.

I do not believe that God is black and white.  I do not believe that God condemns us for our ignorance.  I believe our hearts are deeper than that and our ignorance deeper still.  So. I have to reconcile my questions to God.  I have no control and what control I do have is based upon me.  If a car smashes into me and damages my brain, I will have the control to end care that will keep me in a vegetative state.  I have to believe my life meant something while I was alive.  I have to believe in my death, I will still mean something. I have to live in the moment.

I have to live in the moment.  I must be present in this moment.  Right now.  pray for what I hope for but be thankful for what I have now.  right now.  I have to stop the laments of what I cannot control/have/want/wish for.

I have to live in the now because that's all I do have control over and I will have to learn to make peace with the lack of actual control I do have.

- His beloved.

Reconciliation

How do we reconcile a happy ending fairy tail to a perfect god? Who taught us that we get happy endings? We'd be lucky if we scrapped by without an illness or horrible split of relationship in the family. We'd be lucky to survive a horrible storm that destroys our entire lives. What of our dreams and goals? Who taught us that we can have anything? 

These thoughts aren't true. we would be counted blessed to have a life with only a few tragedies. What of the people who live in constant tragedy? The broken and penniless in Africa? Are they broken? Or have they learned to consider every good day a blessing? Do they believe they deserve the big house, with the dog and no harm or illness? Do Africans believe in happily ever after? Bad things should never happen to good people but they do all the time. Children are left alone and abandoned all the time. Girls and boys are sold into sex trafficking all the time. People are bullied because of race, religion and color all the time. 

This world is a tangle of love and hate, humanity and desparity. What is my perspective? I find it's being challenged right now and I want to with all my heart worship the god I believe is good despite the broken and bad things that may be in my life. How do I sing when I allow the bad to break my song? How do you worship god when you just want to cry? What is the real happy ending? Does it even exist? How do I reconcile these thoughts with the gospel? 

I need to spend some time with broken people who have perspective. learn to sing when the words are ripped from the heart. Is that the real happy ending? I hate that everything always comes back to God for me. In the end, I must choose to sing for he is good despite the chaos I live in. In the end- is he the only happy ending? Is it just a better perspective? 

I don't know.

- his beloved

Don't just be in the moment.. Be present

Sometimes, all we need is a hand to hold.  I work with old people, all types of generational appeal and class.  A lot of these people have dementia or Alzheimer's disease which is sad because I am sure they have stories upon stories untold and long forgotten hidden inside their minds.  One such individual, a woman in her nineties, 98 to be exact, was in the prime of her sundowners for the day (which is a fancy term for people with such diseases as her who become upset, confused, concerned, aggressive - really anything other than okay) and she wheeled over to me in her wheelchair and said in her little voice "hey." Hey. Hey. Hey.  

I turned around and she just looked at me with her knowing eyes and said "my back hurts."

I asked her if she wanted to lay down to which she replied she would lay down when she was good and ready. She was upset so I took

Her hand and she stilled. I just held her hand for a minute. Two minutes. Three. Finally I put my charting down and committed to the act of holding her hand. She calmed. 

After while she took her hand back and wheeled away but she imparted much wisdom to me while we held hands. Don't just be in the moment . Be present in the moment . Put aside your agenda and be with someone. Listen without texting. Listen without interrupting to respond. Take the time out of your life to give of yourself the way THEY need it instead of how you are most comfortable with it. It's these little things that make the biggest difference. This is how you save lives , promote healing, strengthen bonds.  But mostly, this is how you calm the storm- by sitting in it with someone. 

We were never meant to be alone. 

An ode to love

open is the wound of the affliction of my heart

For my deepest burning desire keeps the incision peeled apart 

Where once an iron cage kept my weary soul from longing

Now freed from protection, my heart drips with the delight of belonging

Innocent and unsure is the road to fury and passion

But love, sweet love, marks the way with subtle directions 

Gone are the days, my being kept behind a wall

Though safe and sultry, no love thrived at all

Ripped apart to all love desires

My heart stands bare simmering in fire.