reconciliation pt. 2

I've spent many hours struggling with the thoughts of my previous post. I talked to one of the women that I work with and she helped me realize that it all comes down to making peace with the fact that I have no control over what the universe does.

 Now, I have to fit this into my faith somehow because I do believe in a loving God and I live by the words "we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are called according to his purposes" (Romans 8:28)So. This is my conclusions so far. Yes. I have no control over this universe or what anyone may or may not do or not do in my life. I have no control over what may happen to those around me and I cannot answer why bad things happen to good people. I don't think it always "means" something. I do not think God is always "testing" us when bad things happen. I think that there are so many people on this planet with a million different fragments embedded in their souls that cause actions and reactions. A past hurt, a past triumph, a bad day, a good thing, a wrong idea, a cocky attitude. I think all these things combined create a chaos. I think God allows a lot of these things to continue because he does not interfere with free will. But I also have to believe that God intervenes in ways I am ignorant of. I do not know how many of the bad things in my life were lessened for my sake, or how many things he knew I would overcome despite the consequences to my character.  It is for this reasoning, I believe grace abounds more than we can imagine.  The christian who killed himself - why do we believe he died in sin?  Why do we believe there is a black and white that condemns him to hell?  I don't, and I am sorry if that is offensive to believers but its the holy spirits job to correct me so I wouldn't worry too much.

I do not believe that God is black and white.  I do not believe that God condemns us for our ignorance.  I believe our hearts are deeper than that and our ignorance deeper still.  So. I have to reconcile my questions to God.  I have no control and what control I do have is based upon me.  If a car smashes into me and damages my brain, I will have the control to end care that will keep me in a vegetative state.  I have to believe my life meant something while I was alive.  I have to believe in my death, I will still mean something. I have to live in the moment.

I have to live in the moment.  I must be present in this moment.  Right now.  pray for what I hope for but be thankful for what I have now.  right now.  I have to stop the laments of what I cannot control/have/want/wish for.

I have to live in the now because that's all I do have control over and I will have to learn to make peace with the lack of actual control I do have.

- His beloved.