Erased

I am currently listening to a song - one that I have listened to many times before. It's a song that takes me places. It's really simple and lacks in the lyric department but the musical aspect is wonderful. I like to dance to this song. I imagine myself walking through the woods alone and dancing the wonderful gypsy/hippieness out of me. I think the reason I like this song is because it sounds flowy. It has motion like the waves or movement like the air. Thats how I want my life to be. I desire my life to be ever moving, flowing like the wind or water. I don't regret past mistakes because I have learned so much from them - I don't regret past relationships because I have been changed by them (hopefully they have been changed for the better by myself too) - I don't regret going to school because it's changed me. Change. I used to be scared of it - now I am learning to embrace and accept it.

Change is the back on which we must ride. Nothing ever stays the same except memories and photographs. Why should we expect people, places, places we have visited - even board games to stay the same? I just bought the game of life (one of my favorites) and It has all these new rules and extra cards - it was like i had to relearn the rules again. Inside I immediately wanted to just not play because I liked the old one better - but I just learned the new rules and had a really fun time (losing, mind you) playing the game. Change. wind. waves. this song. Why do we try to remain stagnant in who we are? Must we always be learning, growing, accomplishing? I want to. I want new options - new choices - new adventures. I don't want to settle down and remain the same.

A few years ago, I used to wish that I had never done anything bad. That I could be this virginal flower of good. But I am glad that I have accepted myself. Learned from the bad and learned how to be good on my own choice. I am glad that I haven't attempted to erase things from my life. Of course I am referring to my choices and life lessons - I do believe that erasing the Poisonous things are healthy, but learning from the memories.

I mean - I really really love being alive. I Love being in awe of Jesus and watching sunsets, I love flowers and the wind. the ocean amazes me and I love being on top of a mountain. I love catching snow on my tongue and hearing babies laugh. I love wishing on wishflowers and playing in the water. I love when the rain kisses my cheek and then the cherry blossoms fly during the spring in washington. I have traveled only briefly but I love how intricate other cultures are and seeing all the amazing things I love here happen in another country. I love how Jesus changes lives and If this is just earth I cannot wait until I experience heaven. The thing is, is I see every bad thing that has happened as something better than it was. that is why I can never regret it. Would I go back and change things? possibly - but it would change me. Will I do it different if given the opportunity? I really hope so, and if not the next time - the time after that. Because life is all about living. and making mistakes is the best teacher, maybe not the first time but definitly eventually.

Jesus died for my sins. he died for my mistakes, all those times when I screwed up - his grace was big enough to save me from myself. When the sin inside me pulls me from him - that is the only time I am happy to have things erased from my life. Funny thing about sin though - the debt goes away but the memory remains. I can still learn from it and change my habits. Funny thing about Jesus is - he loves me regardless. its one of the best parts of this life thing. Is that he walks with me through it.

--his beloved

Laments

Sunday was definitely a day of frusterations. Every minute, I felt like I needed to shove my emotions down further so I could deal with something. It's good practice but I hate doing it. I hate when I want to cry and I have to suck it up. It's the spoiled girl's lament. It wasn't really just one thing either. It was many things. Many things I keep in my heart that hurt. I mourn the loss of a very good friend of mine, she is lost herself as well which makes my heart mourn worse. It's bad taste to post her business online but I am very intimately connected to her and I feel as if my heart breaks on a daily basis for her. It was something I was thinking about before I went to church.
I felt like I needed to put on a brave face for church because I hate when people ask me what's wrong before I've had a chance to figure it out myself. I feel silly. I also don't like when people ask me what's wrong. I've become so secluded with my heart that I almost get defensive when people ask. I had to keep shoving all day and by the end of it, (youth group) I had to break down - why? because the song I played for my mom's slide show was played. I haven't cried much about her for awhile. I think i'm doing alright missing her, it just feels like a dream now - or an old childhood memory that cannot be changed or taken from me. part of me but not. It isn't until I think about her not seeing my first child or annoying me while i plan my wedding that I remember that she is no longer a living breathing part of my life. oh, and when i hear that song. it just makes me so sad that she is gone. but I can't change it. Death is so final, and to anyone who would care to know - saying you'll see them in heaven is the suckiest piece of sympathy you could give. why? because we know that and it still doesnt help - not until the grieving is more under control. well, i think so anyways.

It's days like sunday that make me want to give up the ghost and find myself in Jesus's arms. All I wanted was to sleep and I just wanted his peace which he so faithfully gives. Always. Jesus is so so so consistent. always there. Always loving. never turning his back on me, no matter where my ups and downs go. he is really my hero. so honorable and sweet. I really look up to him and what he stood up for. yeah, he's my hero. and no matter how horrible my laments, he takes them onto himself because heros can hold that kind of weight. He is so big to me.

--His beloved.

alot has happened in a month

Korea, is still a dream in my heart but i doubt I will be going any time soon. I like to rush away to new adventures. I like to run away. I like to hide myself in the new. But I think this time, I need to stay and face the music. Stay and live life a little bit. just be. On one hand I am anxious - I really want to do something and go go go and complete the mission in my life. ON the other hand, I keep hearing that I need to learn to be still and rest. I need to learn how to be. just be. and I dont know how yet. But today - glorious day, I think i'm figuring something out about myself. Faith- although similar to many other people's faiths, must be found by myself. I have spent the last year and half pulling away from everything and starting from the ground up. I have just taken the time to embrace myself, my flaws, my quirks and love myself. God, It's so hard to love myself. I don't know why, It might be because I have spent most of my life hating myself. I am learning to find my own faith. My own truth - in accordance to his truth (whether i'd like to agree or not) and I am learning to have my own opinion on things, my own outlook. I am finding me, and while I find myself, my faith- i find Jesus.

Today, I cried out to him while staring at one of the most breathtaking sunsets I've ever seen, I was confused about my feelings for Jesus. I have many questions, many things I will never understand that I always demand answers for but I never doubt him. I dont know him because he is so big but I know his sweetness. I dont understand his logic sometimes but I trust that he is big enough and kind enough to lead me. I guess today I realized that I was falling in love with him (agaian)? I dont know if I ever really fell in love with him. No, I loved him. I knew his love. I know his love. BUt I always looked at him as the nice guy who looked out for me when i screwed up. Who was obligated to love me and I would never be able to stop that. Today however, I realized that I admire him. I respect him. I want to talk to him, i want to hear him, dance with him, be in his presence - know him more. I never really felt like that. I mean I did, but - its very confusing trying to write it all out. something inside me has changed. I used to love jesus one way, and now it's deeper, different, on a whole new level of understanding or passion.

That is why I think I am falling in love with him. REALLY falling in love with him. HIM. Not the nice guy who takes care of me.

this post is a bit confusing. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I have found peace where I am at and have found peace finding my salvation thorugh suffering and tears or whatever we're supposed to be finding it with. It's not about rules and regulations anymore. It isn't about how good I can be. My relationship with Jesus and my faith are about him now. Loving Jesus. and please dont mistake me. I still think all the rules and stuff are important, I still think I should learn to curb my tounge and read my bible and pray. But it's with a different kind of motivation now. Its not so im good. Its because when you are in love with someone, you do things to please the other person, and I want to please Jesus, I just want to stop being such a - religious stick in the mud. I want this beautiful life that accompanies Jesus. I want balance. and he is showing me I can have it. and its beautiful.

jackie