alot has happened in a month

Korea, is still a dream in my heart but i doubt I will be going any time soon. I like to rush away to new adventures. I like to run away. I like to hide myself in the new. But I think this time, I need to stay and face the music. Stay and live life a little bit. just be. On one hand I am anxious - I really want to do something and go go go and complete the mission in my life. ON the other hand, I keep hearing that I need to learn to be still and rest. I need to learn how to be. just be. and I dont know how yet. But today - glorious day, I think i'm figuring something out about myself. Faith- although similar to many other people's faiths, must be found by myself. I have spent the last year and half pulling away from everything and starting from the ground up. I have just taken the time to embrace myself, my flaws, my quirks and love myself. God, It's so hard to love myself. I don't know why, It might be because I have spent most of my life hating myself. I am learning to find my own faith. My own truth - in accordance to his truth (whether i'd like to agree or not) and I am learning to have my own opinion on things, my own outlook. I am finding me, and while I find myself, my faith- i find Jesus.

Today, I cried out to him while staring at one of the most breathtaking sunsets I've ever seen, I was confused about my feelings for Jesus. I have many questions, many things I will never understand that I always demand answers for but I never doubt him. I dont know him because he is so big but I know his sweetness. I dont understand his logic sometimes but I trust that he is big enough and kind enough to lead me. I guess today I realized that I was falling in love with him (agaian)? I dont know if I ever really fell in love with him. No, I loved him. I knew his love. I know his love. BUt I always looked at him as the nice guy who looked out for me when i screwed up. Who was obligated to love me and I would never be able to stop that. Today however, I realized that I admire him. I respect him. I want to talk to him, i want to hear him, dance with him, be in his presence - know him more. I never really felt like that. I mean I did, but - its very confusing trying to write it all out. something inside me has changed. I used to love jesus one way, and now it's deeper, different, on a whole new level of understanding or passion.

That is why I think I am falling in love with him. REALLY falling in love with him. HIM. Not the nice guy who takes care of me.

this post is a bit confusing. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I have found peace where I am at and have found peace finding my salvation thorugh suffering and tears or whatever we're supposed to be finding it with. It's not about rules and regulations anymore. It isn't about how good I can be. My relationship with Jesus and my faith are about him now. Loving Jesus. and please dont mistake me. I still think all the rules and stuff are important, I still think I should learn to curb my tounge and read my bible and pray. But it's with a different kind of motivation now. Its not so im good. Its because when you are in love with someone, you do things to please the other person, and I want to please Jesus, I just want to stop being such a - religious stick in the mud. I want this beautiful life that accompanies Jesus. I want balance. and he is showing me I can have it. and its beautiful.

jackie