Two years ago, my husband and I found out that we were expecting. It was really exciting. I immediately ran out and bought the "what to expect when you are expecting" book and made sure I wasn't drinking anymore. I started taking the vitamins and was cautious at work. I was so tired but we were going to make it work. I remember thinking that my fears of having a miscarriage were part of the package because the book said so.
I wasn't going to tell anyone until the first trimester was over but I was just too excited. A woman that I worked with had also found out she was pregnant; we bonded over that fact. I eventually decided that people would have to know at work since I wasn't able to work with a specific resident while being pregnant, so I told everyone. The woman I worked with told just her friends. I kept my mouth shut online but my family, friends and co-workers knew. I was just so excited.
Our three month check up was supposed to be a beautiful day where I recorded the heart beat and sent another ultra sound picture to my family. It was going to be the day I made it public. It was supposed to be a good day. Instead, our doctor could not find the little beating heart and the picture on the screen looked very similar to the very first ultra sound we had a month prior. She looked at us and calmly explained that there was no living thing inside me and we had miscarried.
Tears.
The shock was bad, the night of was bad, I learned a lot about myself and a lot more about my friends and family. Most people don't know what to say. A lot of people don't know how to react. But in the after math of it all, I was mostly just grieving. Its hard to explain how you love something you have never met or held. A part of my heart died with it and I was just sad. In the midst of everything, the woman I had bonded with over our pregnancies had respectively within the next week or two also had a miscarriage - or so she told me, to my face.
It was later discovered that while I was crying about my loss, she terminated her pregnancy and claimed a miscarriage. I hugged her, comforted her and offered my broken heart and soul in the hopes that through my sorrow, I could help hers - and she let me. I am sure she was grieving. maybe. I have to believe she was. I wouldn't have an abortion but I understand why women feel they need to. I kind of understand why she needed to. What I didn't understand is how she looked me in the face and lied to me. I felt like my emotions were preyed upon and I looked silly, and stupid. I felt stupid.
I never told her that I knew she was lying. There is a reason why people feel like they have to lie to you, but I kept the pain and hurt and anger at what she did inside my heart. Lost respect for her, made fun of her, and really just kind of hated her. I hated that my baby got taken away and she just killed hers. I was jealous that I wanted a child and she let hers go. That she had the option of letting hers go. I hated that my husband and I were falling apart and she was free to go dance at the club. I was so mad. There was a large amount of unforgiveness. Don't get me wrong. She doesn't need to apologize for having an abortion, I wanted her to see how manipulative it was to allow me to grieve a loss when the loss was her choice to have. It didn't seem right somehow.
fast forward a bit and somewhere deep down, I am still a little angry. I am still angry because I never dealt with it. I tried to excuse it, forget about it, explain it away but I never fully confronted it. Last night, I somehow did. See, I stopped really being involved in this woman's life but when I heard about her, my attitude was one of an eye roll or "oh, yeah sure" attitude. I caught myself doing this and realized why. I had not forgiven her and the actions I made towards any mention of her were not the nicest. This unforgiveness was affecting me. I was the one who was being nasty, and rude. I was the one who was reacting out of this pain that would never be resolved until I had dealt with it. I was the one who should ask her forgiveness.
When I decided to follow the ways of Christianity, it was with the given that I would be forgiven for all my wrongs. It didn't matter how many times I repeated those wrongs, but I would continue to be forgiven. Jesus says to forgive not just seven times but seventy times seven. It is not my job to hold mistakes over people's heads - no matter how hurtful they might have been to me. Forgiveness not only allows me to breathe properly but heal and move on. This woman never knew how bad she hurt me. She never knew I felt this way, never lost a moments sleep - but I did. Anger and unforgiveness can do this. I think that is why God wants us to forgive. He doesn't want us to be held down by pain and hurt but he came to give life and life to the full. I could not be living a full life if I was holding onto something that was holding no value.
So, out of no where, I forgave her. I wish her the best. I have to believe that who she was and what she did was not intentionally done to hurt me and even if it was, I would still have to forgive her. Because at the end of the day - Jesus died to set us free, he forgave me and set the precedent - which makes it my job to forgive those around me, regardless of how bad it may have hurt. In this forgiveness, there is freedom. She never has that power over me and I am able to move on. Therein lies the beauty of forgiveness.
-his beloved.
rose
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
love
http://elitedaily.com/dating/first-time-fall-love-determine-entire-life/601344/
read this article today. Got me thinking about the people I have loved in my life.
When I was in kindergarten, I was "dating" Kevin Elkins. He was so cute and we were in the same class together. He used to walk me home everyday and give me a kiss in my log cabin. One day, I didn't want to kiss any longer so we broke up. Probably an early harsh reality, I suppose.
The next male I recall being important in my life was one of my best friends growing up. I grew up pretty socially awkward, so I didn't have many male friends, actually, I don't recall having ANY male friends at all. But this boy from school started hanging out with me - one can only wonder why- and he introduced me to a life outside my sheltered bubble. I think that's why I liked him so much, because I experienced life with him. He taught me many things and I love him still, but in a healthy way that one should love such a friend. I did crush on him pretty hard in high school though, but again - I think it was only because he was the only guy I felt comfortable around.
The next guy I recall being involved with was a first boyfriend of mine. His name was Allen and I am not sure how we met but we did and it was mostly a prepubescent attempt at sexuality. For two weeks we talked like lovers without the knowledge that we were young and had no clue what it meant to love someone. He was the first boy I ever messed around with but I was too embarrassed to continue. Like I said, we were 11.
My junior year, I met Landon. He was wonderful. Something totally outside my social circle and full of new ideas. We dated for awhile but the world ripped us apart. He encompassed my entire world, I loved him but again, I had no idea what love was. I knew what I was feeling, but I didnt know what LOVE was.
After Landon, I thought I loved a guy named aaron, but that was just a fling full of lust and passion. Like any quickly burning flame, it died just as fast as it sprang up.
and then there was Zach.
This guy. weird. awkward. totally cool. he made people laugh and was a leader. He paved his own path and I admired him for that. I remeember the day I met him, he captured my attention and made a lasting memory. We began as friends. soon, our emails became more intimate while I traveled over the summer and when I returned, there was something there. I fell in love. and man did i fall hard. we dated and eventually got engaged but from the very beginning, God told me it wouldn't work. We prayed and fasted for him to change his mind and continued with the relationship anyways. It was a ride. It was the RAW love that article talked about. We were young but we knew how to love each other - or at least we knew how to try. I remember this love being real, thick like honey, intoxicating, passionate and full of emotion. when it was good, it was really good and when it was bad, it was really bad. we eventually ended things for more than one reason. He would tell you I gave up on him - he might be right. I agree with him, mostly because I want to keep the peace, but I would tell you that it was him telling me he loved me but then asking other girls for pictures of themselves, or writing how much he loved and missed another girl while we were engaged that started the distrust for me. I would tell you that I prayed for God to give me a sign that it was right and that the holy spirit kept telling me that it was time to end things. I would also tell you that while I tried to grow into someone, I think it scared him and he tried to hold onto me, scared I would jump back into my old lifestyle again. I would tell you that I felt suffocated and allowed it to happen because I loved him and in retrospect, it was all unhealthy. Finally, I would tell you that despite him being depressed, my heart shattered when he told me he couldn't love me. Even if he meant that he needed to repair his broken heart before he could be my everything agian, all those things combined is why I would tell you that I didn't give up, I chose to let go. In my mind, I didn't see the logic in continuing a relationship that made me feel like that, hurt like that and be spiritually strained like that - especially if he couldn't love me.
That love made its mark on me. I gave him a chunk of my heart and I am changed by his soul. I am happy to have shared my spirit with him, but I would have never become who I am today had I chosen to stick around. I have no regrets in that regard.
Then, there was .... LANDON again :)
This guy. After the separation, I was broken. I was a hot mess. But this guy, all cool calm and chill comes along and accepts me, hot mess and all. He lets me do whatever I want. I can think whatever I want and do what I want and he just loves me. We started out rough. we were both selfish and rude. but over time, we have learned how to LOVE. The love that consumes your life. The real kind of love. It is healthy and mature and pure. He looks at me and I can see the love radiate off his eyes. He makes me feel so safe and secure without even trying. We may not have a passionate love, but we have this.. real love. we have this burning fire that flares and ebbs with time and passing. Our love is organic. it is the most real thing I have ever felt in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I won't apologize for that. I will never apologize for something so beautiful. for something so healthy and happy. I have never been more free to experience my life with someone by my side. He gives me so much strength just by trusting me and allowing me the freedom to discover life and my interests. this is love. How lucky am I?
My friend Stephanie said it the best: Love that is gritty, straining, focused, sweaty, and adventurous love. A love full of gentle hand-holding, mean and spiteful yelling, laughing fun, bitter tears and cold shoulders, sweet forgiveness, dry determination, dull endurance, inside jokes, just-when-I-needed-them hugs, painful confrontation, and overall, a powerful and purposeful companionship. A never-ending choice
Love. I could write a thousand words on how I feel and never get the emotion on the pages. But I know that I am in love and I know I have experienced a varieties of love. I will cherish it, protect it and shield it with the best of my abilities. Because I know I have been blessed with something so wonderful and real.
God knew I would choose this path before he showed me my future. He still speaks to me about my future. God knew I would make this decision long before I did and I believe he is blessing my path. There is no shame in love. there are no laws against love. its so beautiful.
-His beloved
read this article today. Got me thinking about the people I have loved in my life.
When I was in kindergarten, I was "dating" Kevin Elkins. He was so cute and we were in the same class together. He used to walk me home everyday and give me a kiss in my log cabin. One day, I didn't want to kiss any longer so we broke up. Probably an early harsh reality, I suppose.
The next male I recall being important in my life was one of my best friends growing up. I grew up pretty socially awkward, so I didn't have many male friends, actually, I don't recall having ANY male friends at all. But this boy from school started hanging out with me - one can only wonder why- and he introduced me to a life outside my sheltered bubble. I think that's why I liked him so much, because I experienced life with him. He taught me many things and I love him still, but in a healthy way that one should love such a friend. I did crush on him pretty hard in high school though, but again - I think it was only because he was the only guy I felt comfortable around.
The next guy I recall being involved with was a first boyfriend of mine. His name was Allen and I am not sure how we met but we did and it was mostly a prepubescent attempt at sexuality. For two weeks we talked like lovers without the knowledge that we were young and had no clue what it meant to love someone. He was the first boy I ever messed around with but I was too embarrassed to continue. Like I said, we were 11.
My junior year, I met Landon. He was wonderful. Something totally outside my social circle and full of new ideas. We dated for awhile but the world ripped us apart. He encompassed my entire world, I loved him but again, I had no idea what love was. I knew what I was feeling, but I didnt know what LOVE was.
After Landon, I thought I loved a guy named aaron, but that was just a fling full of lust and passion. Like any quickly burning flame, it died just as fast as it sprang up.
and then there was Zach.
This guy. weird. awkward. totally cool. he made people laugh and was a leader. He paved his own path and I admired him for that. I remeember the day I met him, he captured my attention and made a lasting memory. We began as friends. soon, our emails became more intimate while I traveled over the summer and when I returned, there was something there. I fell in love. and man did i fall hard. we dated and eventually got engaged but from the very beginning, God told me it wouldn't work. We prayed and fasted for him to change his mind and continued with the relationship anyways. It was a ride. It was the RAW love that article talked about. We were young but we knew how to love each other - or at least we knew how to try. I remember this love being real, thick like honey, intoxicating, passionate and full of emotion. when it was good, it was really good and when it was bad, it was really bad. we eventually ended things for more than one reason. He would tell you I gave up on him - he might be right. I agree with him, mostly because I want to keep the peace, but I would tell you that it was him telling me he loved me but then asking other girls for pictures of themselves, or writing how much he loved and missed another girl while we were engaged that started the distrust for me. I would tell you that I prayed for God to give me a sign that it was right and that the holy spirit kept telling me that it was time to end things. I would also tell you that while I tried to grow into someone, I think it scared him and he tried to hold onto me, scared I would jump back into my old lifestyle again. I would tell you that I felt suffocated and allowed it to happen because I loved him and in retrospect, it was all unhealthy. Finally, I would tell you that despite him being depressed, my heart shattered when he told me he couldn't love me. Even if he meant that he needed to repair his broken heart before he could be my everything agian, all those things combined is why I would tell you that I didn't give up, I chose to let go. In my mind, I didn't see the logic in continuing a relationship that made me feel like that, hurt like that and be spiritually strained like that - especially if he couldn't love me.
That love made its mark on me. I gave him a chunk of my heart and I am changed by his soul. I am happy to have shared my spirit with him, but I would have never become who I am today had I chosen to stick around. I have no regrets in that regard.
Then, there was .... LANDON again :)
This guy. After the separation, I was broken. I was a hot mess. But this guy, all cool calm and chill comes along and accepts me, hot mess and all. He lets me do whatever I want. I can think whatever I want and do what I want and he just loves me. We started out rough. we were both selfish and rude. but over time, we have learned how to LOVE. The love that consumes your life. The real kind of love. It is healthy and mature and pure. He looks at me and I can see the love radiate off his eyes. He makes me feel so safe and secure without even trying. We may not have a passionate love, but we have this.. real love. we have this burning fire that flares and ebbs with time and passing. Our love is organic. it is the most real thing I have ever felt in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I won't apologize for that. I will never apologize for something so beautiful. for something so healthy and happy. I have never been more free to experience my life with someone by my side. He gives me so much strength just by trusting me and allowing me the freedom to discover life and my interests. this is love. How lucky am I?
My friend Stephanie said it the best: Love that is gritty, straining, focused, sweaty, and adventurous love. A love full of gentle hand-holding, mean and spiteful yelling, laughing fun, bitter tears and cold shoulders, sweet forgiveness, dry determination, dull endurance, inside jokes, just-when-I-needed-them hugs, painful confrontation, and overall, a powerful and purposeful companionship. A never-ending choice
Love. I could write a thousand words on how I feel and never get the emotion on the pages. But I know that I am in love and I know I have experienced a varieties of love. I will cherish it, protect it and shield it with the best of my abilities. Because I know I have been blessed with something so wonderful and real.
God knew I would choose this path before he showed me my future. He still speaks to me about my future. God knew I would make this decision long before I did and I believe he is blessing my path. There is no shame in love. there are no laws against love. its so beautiful.
-His beloved
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