I had this breakdown a couple of days ago, spiritually, of course. I became so overwhelmed with the immensity of my questions on religion and Jesus, my life, my relationships and trying to do everything on my own, that i just breathed a small little prayer of realization to god "I cannot do this on my own." I think it was this moment that broke the pride inside me. This wall of incessant weight that I carry with me to protect myself. See, the thing is, I don't trust god. I never really have. My trust is about as little as I can get away with. I think this is where most of my issues come from. I do not like that God gets to have his way and gets to call all the shots. I do not like that I am not in complete control of my life. I wanted to be. I tried to be. But God or no god, I still wasn't in control. I think i just got to a point where I was okay with not being in control and despite my questions, I must keep walking and since I do believe in Jesus, I would much rather figure things out with him than away from him.
I met Jesus in 2004. February 25th to be exact. He changed my world. But I lost something very dear to me that kind of taught me about Jesus. I identified Jesus through this person's ideas and when he derailed, so did my faith. Then my mom died and I just felt lost. and angry. I got very angry. I felt God had done me an injustice. God took these things away, and even though I realize they were for good reasons, I was just mad that GOD made the call. I didn't get to choose.
I've been mad for a long time. I've been selfish a long time. I have lived my life for myself for a long time. And even though I still intend to live for myself, right now... for the first time in a long time, I am open to Jesus having a say. I am not angry anymore. I don't agree with a lot of things Jesus does, and I think God gets things backwards a lot but I am open. that's a big step.
So here I stand. at the corner. but I feel refreshed and ready to start relearning my faith from ground zero. We are starting with trust. The biggest but I think, the most fundamental piece. nothing else has really changed. I'm still pretty selfish. I'm still crazy cynical and I still have my questions. But, this is good. It feels good.
