We only know 1%

We see things linearly. Past, present, future - in that order. Not all the time but most of the time. Some people live in the past, some in the future -

Most are challenged to live in the now. Regardless of how we view time or the events in our life - we only know what we have figured out to this moment in time. 

How many times have I heard from older people "if I knew then what I know now"? How many times do I hear from a young girl about her first love and bite my jaded tongue from educating her about heartache?  We live with those regrets because we see things linearly. We can't know everything.  But how much differently would heartache, grief, joy, anger and every other emotional memory be if we could see time from an all encompassing view? 

I was lost in the dark once (before google maps and gps) and I had no way to find my way out.  The roads were unfamiliar and seemed unwelcoming. I was so scared.   I called my father and he looked up my location and led me two miles up the hill and back to the main road.   How much easier would I have gotten myself sorted out if I could see the map and my location from above?  How little information I really have. 

Most people make educated decisions based on the information that they receive. Makes sense.

How many times have you made a decision only to find out more information that would have caused an opposite decision? It Makes me feel a little bummed out.

I have often wondered why God has allowed the things that have happened to happen in my life. I don't think I had the worst childhood but I can say specific events in my childhood have caused lasting effects on my soul - another blog, I'm sure. 

I used to get mad at God for allowing the "tragedies" to happen to me.  When bad things happened to good people I would just shake my head in disbelief and wonder just what the hell God was thinking.  I spent a good many years shunning anything to do with religion or God. I tried to make myself un-believe in God. I hated him for awhile too.  But slowly - as I gained in wisdom and matured in heart- I began to see that maybe I just didn't know all the facts.  

If God is omnipresent he should be able to know everything. If he knows everything - he is like the Birdseye view of our map. There are so many variables to what he'd have to know.

All the little memories and childhood experiences have shaped us. We know that but do we *know* which one is responsible for our distaste of such and such or hate when someone does this and that.  He does though. 

How well do you know yourself? Have you taken time to dive into your depths to discover your soul? Ever caught yourself doing or being turned off by something out of the blue? I think God knows our hearts more intimately than even a spouse or ourselves. He knows why Cain hated able- he knew Peter would deny him -even when Peter vehemently disagreed. We can't even be certain of the things we will do. But God is.

See, I remember hearing people talk about being called by God to do something. Be it tell someone about him or buy milk for the hungry family- I used to be terrified that this would happen to me.  How weird, right? 

But. When you look at it knowing that you know maybe 1% of the story- trusting God to tell you to go somewhere or do something is a lot easier because he has all the knowledge. This has to apply to things that don't make sense- like the bad things happening to good people things or the police officer that made it through his critical moment and walk away from the hospital only to die trying to fix his eye.  His family were Gods children -they were Christians, why would he do it? What about those four children that don't have a father now, God? When I only know 1%, it's so easy to call God an asshole.  If God is in control of everything, why this ending? 

I have spent a good amount of time convincing myself that God just allows shit to happen and only intervenes when we pray.  But that wouldn't be right either, he orchestrated the whole Jesus thing right after the Adam and Eve thing.  Every mess up, there seems to be a bandaid somewhere.  There is a rhythm and a rhyme to so many things in this world. An end and beginning, order where chaos should stand. Black and white, karma, yin and yang- cultures all recognize this. Balance is created. God has to have some kind of orchestration here.   That being said, he had to have had some kind of orchestration in our world even when things don't make any sense. 

Trust is not an easy thing for me to come by.  I like knowing the facts before I chose. It's hard to trust God because it takes my control from me and I have to be okay with it.  But I'm

Not. I want to have a say in my life. I want to make my decisions.  However, I am starting to realize that it's wise to lean on those smarter and wiser than you because they have more experience. Perhaps learning to lean on -(Forgive me for this churchy expression) the one who knows - is the wiser choice.  There's just more to this life than we know. How can we judge so quickly when we can't know all those facts.. 

--his beloved

Intimacy

When I'm sitting in those moments where our souls gently touch in the closeness, I am reminded what true love looks like.  It's being able to look into your eyes and not feel uncomfortable.  It's laughing with you around a fire.  Your smile when your walls are down. The genuine undressing of our boundaries 100% me and 100% you.  The intimacy is so easy. So comfortable. The trust so easily given. 

I always ask people who've been married for a long time what their secret is. It's sort of become my own private joke- I originally started asking to gleen some advice for my own uncertainties.  However, I started hearing all these lovely answers and now I ask because I love hearing people who still love each other talk about their love. I love seeing them glance at one another as if opening a secret box only they know of. 

I love that to be together for a long time you have to make the decision

(Almost daily) to choose each other.  Some days it's easy to choose your partner but other days (and sometimes for many days, weeks or months) it can be the seal of a promise that chooses for you. There are so many things that can effectively crack the foundation a couple sits on - temptation, stress, money, etc.. But those moments of intimacy can bring strength to the decision to choose. 

Whichever the degree of ease while being with my husband, there is something that I love the most about our union.  In my quest to be as joined with my husband as possible as his wife, partner and best friend- sexually, emotionally and mentally I am always aware of the depth of intimacy we are experiencing and what level we are connecting on.  I am always trying to uncover the depths of his soul. The intricacies that make up his heart are the most interesting thing to me. He is so incredibly beautiful to me because I have seen his soul, those multifaceted colors that make up his rainbow. The intimacy he gives to me has been shared by no other and I love being a part of his heart. I love that for my whole life I get to explore him. I am so privileged and honored that I get to peer into his heart.  That is the nature of intimacy. That is what keeps us connected. That's my desire.  I cannot impact or properly interact with his heart until he allows his defenses to be lowered. There are times when we are together that are naked and pure but it's hard to remain vulnerable even when you're married to someone - especially if you're married to someone! We should guard our permission inside their soul with absolute rigidity. Especially if it isn't easily given. 

I have been in relationships where I've kept myself from the other person and others where I have exposed myself bare.  The times when I am laid bare (although super scary) are the most passionate, intimate moments in my life.  It just shows me that even in a marriage, you are still interacting with a person who has a heart laced in multifaceted colors making up their idiosyncratic characteristics.  We must cherish people, how incredibly complex and beautiful they are - especially if given the gift of experiencing them so intimately. Why do we waste this?

I just thought of something else: if I can peer so deeply into another humans heart and only see a fraction of who they really are- how much more would God know us? And if he would know us so intimately, how much easier is it to understand the reasons for what we do.  With such understanding, how much more forgiving and full of grace would he be?  Love, is a big and pure thing whose simplicity we over complicate. 

--his beloved. 

An open letter to my mother

 Mom,

I spent a great many years mad at you.  I was mad at you for dying. Mad for dying so early and unnecessarily, mad that I was alone, mad to not have you in my corner anymore.  See that’s the thing, even though you and I never got along – I always knew you were in my corner.  I miss the richness having you in my life brought me, even though you were full of drama – you were my drama.

I’ve learned a lot since you’ve been gone.  I’m a grown woman now, I bet you wouldn’t even recognize me.  I am proud of the woman I am, confident and solid.  You’ve contributed to this, you know.  Your soul has shaped mine – in some ways more pleasant than others, you’ll see. I was talking about you the other day and I realized just how different a person I am today.  I want you to know who I am, even though it’s impossible.  However, I feel in some way I can connect with you through the writing of this letter.  Mom, I’m going to be as honest as possible – that’s something new about me, I am not afraid to speak my mind anymore.  I just want you to know my heart.

When I was growing up, you used to work – constantly.  I’m not upset about that, I understand we were poor.  I sort of wish you had managed your money better because we wouldn’t have been poor but sometimes you just get behind and you can’t ever break the cycle.  I’ve been there – I’ve learned from it too.  You never seemed to learn how to get there, I think limits were really hard for you – or freedom felt like heaven to you. I don’t fault you for this either.  I used to, that’s why I had to bring it up, I suppose.  I used to hate the mention of being like you, looking like you, having your qualities.  I think I genuinely hated you.  I am sorry for that, I know you would forgive me.  I have learned to forgive you.

I don’t know the whole story of what happened after the divorce.  There were some mumblings of you not defending me after I told you.  There was some rumor that I had a breakdown in elementary school.  I don’t remember all that.  I wish you would have protected me if those rumors were true.  I have some residual effects from that incident but I think I am mostly okay.  I think about it sometimes but the thought is brief and I push it away to better things.  No use dwelling on the past unless it can be used to better the future, right? I have learned to forgive.  Not just for them but mostly for me.   I don’t need to carry the bitterness of unforgiveness in my life.  So it happened, I am happy today so it’s okay.  I am alive and well and my heart is full, mom.  I am able to practice my empathy and shoulder more burdens.  I am able to feel and cry when the emotion strikes me – I was so cold when I was younger.

Your work habits shaped mine.  There was a time, I was working two full time jobs (to pay for that expensive college degree I haven’t been using).  I was proud I was able to keep it down.  I wasn’t calling in, I was able to hang but my heart just wasn’t in it.  My quality of life was bad.  I was arguing with my husband (yes, I married Landon – more about him later) and my house was always dirty (I hate how our home looked when I was growing up and have found a nice appreciation for cleaning.  I’m still messy as hell, but I can’t do filthy).  So I stopped, and started to look around at life and really think about what made me happy.  I shut down for a while after you died. Not because I couldn’t function without you, but because you left such emotional scars on my heart that I had to now navigate alone.  I felt a dark spot – I feel a dark spot where your bright soul used to live in my heart.  Now I have memories and a bottle of your expensive perfume in a box in the closet.  Every time I open it, I am reminded of hugging your neck – one of the few great memories of you.

Becky was a good help to me after you died.  She became my pseudo mother.  We grew very close in the years I worked with her.  I followed our plan to become a PCA and then took the CNA class after graduation (yes, that’s right, I graduated college with two bachelor’s degrees and a certification to teach English as a second language).  – but I only followed our plan simply because that was our plan and I didn’t know what to do after you died – so I followed the pre-arranged plan.   Im happy I did.  I have been a CNA for the past 6 years and I LOVE it.  I fell in love with the medical field, I am going to school to become a PA.  I know you would gush about this to everyone.  I know I am making you proud.  I have met some of the most beautiful people as a CNA.  I’ve discovered my calling – to serve people and heal through my hands and heart.  To offer myself.  It’s like a key clicking in a lock.  This is who I am. 

Becky helped me figure that out too.  She died a couple years ago.  Her cancer came back and took her quick.  I hesitated calling her because I didn’t want to deal with her impending death and when I finally worked up the courage to call her, she was already too far gone and I never got to tell her I loved her.  I mean I did, over the phone but I’ll never know if she heard it.  I hope she knows I do. I’m sure she does.  It taught me not to wait to tell people the good things you love about them.  Why wait to be kind? Why wait to call?

Boy, did I love her. I miss her laugh and smart ass sense of humor.  She was fierce and I loved that. 

Landon and I have been together since 2008 (again, haha).  We’ve toughed through a lot.  Still no children for us, we miscarried in 2012 and haven’t tried again.  Joey had a kid though! his name is kevin and he would lighten your world.  He is the most awesome little guy I have ever met and I love him with my whole heart.  He is so special and beautiful – smart and full of questions.  Sometimes he can be a little asshole, but most of the time he’s a sweetheart.  Landon adores him.  He adores Landon. It’s the best. Landon and I have a fun time.  Especially lately, I have learned some things in the past year and I think its really enriched our relationship.  I have learned to be more patient and try to only build up.  I have learned to speak my mind and be honest.  I think really, I have learned who I am and what I want as a woman.  I fight fiercely for my marriage (most days, haha) and I hope we do okay.  Because I have seen divorce through you and dad, I hold tighter than most but I don’t think its because you divorced.  I think when I love something or when I make a promise, I just have to follow through, passionately.

I learned more about your disease this year.  I learned that I carry your genetic makeup more than just in my looks.  It has really made me think a lot about who I am and who I want to be.  To forgive easily and fight fiercely.  I have learned who I am as a woman and I like myself.  I love knowing where my weak spots are and my strengths.  I love knowing what I want in bed ( we don’t get to talk about this, mother haha) I love knowing what makes me happy and how to find peace.  I could literally die right now and know that I am at peace.  I could probably work on my relationship with God a lot more but I am so fulfilled.  I think that as I look back on my life as an adult, I can understand your struggle a lot more than I used to.  I can understand why we clashed the way we did.  I just wish I could talk to you now, knowing what I know now. 

I have to say, I hate that you used your disease to threaten us as children.  I remember you telling me that you will kill yourself before you go on dialysis.  I was scared I would be without a mother.  But then you did get sick and you didn’t take care of yourself.  You never could manage the weight thing.  It ended up being one of the biggest reasons for your death.   It makes me extremely nervous when my weight goes up.  I worry that your disease took you so fast because you didn’t follow the recommendations the kidney doctors gave you.  I hate that.  I believe you could have been here longer or hade more time for a transplant if you had taken your binders and ate the appropriate food – or just kept healthy knowing first-hand what it’s like to watch a parent be sick and dying with a kidney problem. I wont make the same mistake.  But I thank you for that – because without watching your situation, I may not have this opportunity.

When I look back on my childhood, I remember spastic mood swings, some fun times and most of our arguments.  I remember hating myself and everyone around me.  I remember the alcohol and consumption of questionable items.  I remember cutting myself and wishing to die. I remember finding Jesus and feeling love in my heart and his guidance in my life.  I am where I am today because of his constant guidance and patience in my heart.  Mom, I was kind of a mess. I am better now. 

I miss you, and I could talk forever about the changes in my life. These are the things I typed when I felt your thought in my heart and so they must be the most important to tell you.   I love you, and my memories of you have turned lighter in my mind.  I wish you were here for me to tell you all this.  I suppose this will have to do.

Love,

Jackie