Just how quantitative is mustard seed status? What measurement can I apply that to? It's small yes, but I can still see it, touch it, feel it, plant it. What if my faith has dwindled to smaller? It certainly feels like it. I am trying to try. I am wanting to want. I desire to desire. I am drowning, I am so lost.
Spiritually, I just can't get the hang of it and I wish I could just be black and white about this but I cannot. I wish I could just cut it off and say okay, there is just no god and I have been wrong this whole time but I CAN'T. I cannot lie to myself, because my heart says there is a God. My heart, the earth, the rocks cry out something greater than us. Denying it would be the ignorance. So reason would say, okay there is a God but who, what, in what spectrum? In what capacity? How relevant is he to our lives? Well, if a God created the world for practical reasons, why the beauty? Why love? Why Emotions? It wouldn't make sense.
I believe the bible with my whole heart, I am sure of that. Yes, there is some ambiguity as to who wrote it, decided what was holy, pieced it Together, but I believe it.
I know there is a God, I believe in Jesus and when I get so frustrated that I would like to believe nothing I am reminded. Because I have been a part of another life, another world. I have participated in worship of God and really felt something. I have had dreams, seen visions, heard promises. This doesn't come from nowhere. I have felt the presence of God. I know this is a silly thing to hear especially by those that do not believe in Jesus but I have. I have transcended worlds, I have been rooted deep and cut down the stalk. My roots live and when I would try to deny a God, I am reminded of something more. I just don't know how to find it. I don't know how to find the passion to find it. It is SO exhausting, trying to find something that used to be so easy.
I worked out for a month with no weight loss results. It woke me up to realize that I really need to just buckle down and stick with my calorie counting, working out routine to actually lose the weight. Well maybe what I'm doing spiritually, is the same thing. I'm trying but not really- maybe it's time I buckle down and really get uncomfortable, because this ambiguity just isn't cutting it anymore. God is not a vending machine and I can't expect to have a relationship with someone I treat as such.
I really hope people with faith as big as a mustard seed really have enough because I'm kinda banking on it for now..
- his beloved
rose
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The lord gives and the lord takes away
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I was watching swamp loggers (of all shows) and there is this hardworking log cutter man named simetrio or something like that. There was a fire near his home and he had to go evacuate his family in case it got closer. When he got there, he wasn't like "ahhh why is this happening" he was calm and collected and at ease. As he drove out of his driveway with his family and some clothing and personal items, he said "hopefully the fire will not destroy our home. Just as the Lord blessed us with the house, we pray he will keep it safe."
I forget this simple lesson. "just as the Lord gave." I get caught up in this life a lot. I get caught up in the fact that I am trying to be a reasonably stable adult. I am trying to pay my bills and school loans while keeping my job and being a decent member of society. I pay my taxes and vote. its all about me. I forget that it is the LORD who gives me breath and health and intelligence to claim these things. I forget that if the LORD willed me to lose my job, I would. If the LORD willed me to get sick, I could. I mean, look at Job. The Lord allowed what happened to him to happen to him. God blesses my life. Even though I like to think that I have done everything to get where I am, I cannot say that with absolute certainty.
Just as the Lord has blessed me with life, and allowed my marriage to be civil, keeps my car running - he has not promised it. The Lord gives and he can take it away and because he is infinitely pure and holy [blessed BE his name]. God is not a vending machine. I treat him like one. I only visit when I want something from the third row. shame on me. I need to remember this lesson.
the lord gives and the lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the lord.
- his beloved
I was watching swamp loggers (of all shows) and there is this hardworking log cutter man named simetrio or something like that. There was a fire near his home and he had to go evacuate his family in case it got closer. When he got there, he wasn't like "ahhh why is this happening" he was calm and collected and at ease. As he drove out of his driveway with his family and some clothing and personal items, he said "hopefully the fire will not destroy our home. Just as the Lord blessed us with the house, we pray he will keep it safe."
I forget this simple lesson. "just as the Lord gave." I get caught up in this life a lot. I get caught up in the fact that I am trying to be a reasonably stable adult. I am trying to pay my bills and school loans while keeping my job and being a decent member of society. I pay my taxes and vote. its all about me. I forget that it is the LORD who gives me breath and health and intelligence to claim these things. I forget that if the LORD willed me to lose my job, I would. If the LORD willed me to get sick, I could. I mean, look at Job. The Lord allowed what happened to him to happen to him. God blesses my life. Even though I like to think that I have done everything to get where I am, I cannot say that with absolute certainty.
Just as the Lord has blessed me with life, and allowed my marriage to be civil, keeps my car running - he has not promised it. The Lord gives and he can take it away and because he is infinitely pure and holy [blessed BE his name]. God is not a vending machine. I treat him like one. I only visit when I want something from the third row. shame on me. I need to remember this lesson.
the lord gives and the lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the lord.
- his beloved
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