Mustard seeds? Faith? Yeah, okay..

Just how quantitative is mustard seed status? What measurement can I apply that to? It's small yes, but I can still see it, touch it, feel it, plant it. What if my faith has dwindled to smaller? It certainly feels like it. I am trying to try. I am wanting to want. I desire to desire. I am drowning, I am so lost.
Spiritually, I just can't get the hang of it and I wish I could just be black and white about this but I cannot. I wish I could just cut it off and say okay, there is just no god and I have been wrong this whole time but I CAN'T. I cannot lie to myself, because my heart says there is a God. My heart, the earth, the rocks cry out something greater than us. Denying it would be the ignorance. So reason would say, okay there is a God but who, what, in what spectrum? In what capacity? How relevant is he to our lives? Well, if a God created the world for practical reasons, why the beauty? Why love? Why Emotions? It wouldn't make sense.
I believe the bible with my whole heart, I am sure of that. Yes, there is some ambiguity as to who wrote it, decided what was holy, pieced it Together, but I believe it.

I know there is a God, I believe in Jesus and when I get so frustrated that I would like to believe nothing I am reminded. Because I have been a part of another life, another world. I have participated in worship of God and really felt something. I have had dreams, seen visions, heard promises. This doesn't come from nowhere. I have felt the presence of God. I know this is a silly thing to hear especially by those that do not believe in Jesus but I have. I have transcended worlds, I have been rooted deep and cut down the stalk. My roots live and when I would try to deny a God, I am reminded of something more. I just don't know how to find it. I don't know how to find the passion to find it. It is SO exhausting, trying to find something that used to be so easy.

I worked out for a month with no weight loss results. It woke me up to realize that I really need to just buckle down and stick with my calorie counting, working out routine to actually lose the weight. Well maybe what I'm doing spiritually, is the same thing. I'm trying but not really- maybe it's time I buckle down and really get uncomfortable, because this ambiguity just isn't cutting it anymore. God is not a vending machine and I can't expect to have a relationship with someone I treat as such.

I really hope people with faith as big as a mustard seed really have enough because I'm kinda banking on it for now..

- his beloved