I run from God because he expects me to live up to the potential he designed me to live up to. Expects might be a strong word, but he definitely knows I can be more than who I am and is always showing me how to be better than who i am.
Did you ever see avatar, the last airbender? He runs from his responsibilities.. He feels a loss of personal rights, a loss of freedom, loss. I can relate to that.
I've spent the majority of three years or so just telling God to shove it, unless I need him.. But as I've grown, sitting here telling God to shove it, I have begun to think that it may quite possibly be time to put my childish ways behind me...
I've recently stepped into a larger leadership role in my life.. One that means more to me than the others that I've been involved with. I try really hard to become and stay an effective lead Cna, it's really important to me.. But it's teaching me. It's teaching me something I have long fought God on.. Being a leader means your standards are different, more people watch you, your ethics must be on top, your game has to be on top, you have to be the best you so when people look up, there is something to look up to. I don't think I'm quite there yet, I'm actually a long ways off but I need to get there because to me, being a leader means being the one who does the right thing, has vision, has goals and actually follows through with those goals. Being a leader is a serious thing to me.. Because when you are leading people, they are willing to follow and that isn't something to play around with. I want to give people a reason to stick around and hear me out.
Obviously, I am no longer talking about just being a lead CNA - I'm talking about the plans that God has laid out for my life, something big and something scary but it's time to accept it and stop running. It's time to get up and get my act together, fix my character, lift my chin.. Cuz its time to become a leader.
When I was just five months into being 17, I sat down on an old tattered rug in a dilapidated old chapel at little beaver camp and demanded, more whined, that God tell me please what I was supposed to do with my life. The caressing, resounding voice inside my being that answered me was familiar and the answer was known to the pit of my soul - "you will go to Africa and be a missionary." my life has never been the same. My goals have always been to complete this desire that smolders inside my heart. Even when I have been running, the passion for Africa remained.
I need to be there, I cannot explain it, but I've been running fromIt- out of fear, from selfishness, from pride. It's time to raise my head and become a leader, cuz I am no longer a child and it's time to grow up and accept this...gift that I've thrown away so spoiled-ly.
It's going to be hard, but something has awaken inside me - I'm sure it was God, a lot of it has to do with recovering from burnout, getting over grief and loss, and working too much. spiritually, Something is blowing fresh air on my coaled up heart and making my embers glow. Could I be lucky enough one day to feel a fire? I'll let you know.His beloved :)
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