It started with a couple pathetic prayers. I didn't mean them, but maybe somewhere deep down inside, something better than me meant them. The first started as some kind of anguished feeling of being left out. I didn't like feeling like I was missing something, so I prayed something like: "God, I don't like it, but I don't care enough to change it. I love you but I don't feel anything enough to care. You figure it out"
The second started because that feeling blossomed into this... stray light breaking through my clouds. I had pushed God so far away to pursue my own path and my own goals that my reality grew dim when I thought it was brightening up. that nagging feeling of unease broke into my self appointed darkness. The prayer came out something like: "God, what the heck? I am too tired to try, leave me alone"
After that, the realization of emotional, physical and mental burnout eased into my consciousness and woke me up to the reality that I was burnt out in a bad way. Something had to change, or nothing would. But the ironic thing about being so burnt out that apathy sets in as some kind of coping mechanism is that you see the problems but you don't care enough to fix them. I believe it is truly the most dangerous thing to the christian faith - apathy. nothing, void, empty, - who cares.
My prayers seemed few and far between as I got up, worked, slept, ate and worked some more.. then slept some more. I have no time in my life for anything but what I am doing. that's my reality right now, but i believe God, my loving savior heard my poor excuse of a prayer and began to do something about it. He knows my heart for relationship and he knows I desperately love him. I began to feel lonely and sad that I couldn't share big changes in my life with him... not because I'm bad or anything but because he didn't fit into my self preserving schedule. No one should ever have to live like that - I was meant for something more than that, and it took a long time before the bravery came to change my circumstances. I am making small tiny (still pathetic in my book) attempts to wake the heck up and breathe. God, being the awesome guy he is, just holds my hand and waits for me.
So, here it is
I work 12 hours a day to have enough money to feel safe in this world, to pay my loans off and make something of my self only to realize that I have abandoned the things that matter: God, my friends, the quality of life I should be having, joy, peace, relaxation... did i mention peace?
Are those things worth the extra 1000$ my second job brings in? I say no. therefore, I have submitted my 2 weeks notice and have begun a journey to reclaim my soul. To wake up. I know I sound far from apathetic, and that's a better state than Ive been in in a while but I still am.. my attempts are feeble at best, but the biggest change is i have actually made an attempt.
best part of all of this... it all started with a crappy prayer I didn't mean, and in his faithfulness, God planted a tree bearing fruit from my dead seed.
--His beloved.
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