It wasn't meant to be planned.. Not really. But it happened and we were ready for it. Being pregnant changed my worldview. Things that didn't seem important were now important And things that were once important were not so important. The morning sickness sucked but I took it in stride. Then September 13th happened and we found out the baby had died. Grief. Grief is a dark spot in my heart. Not just the loss of our baby but the loss of my mom, the loss of my first real love. Those types of things cut from your soul with a butchers knife only to leave behind scars where the soul mended around the holes.
Grief is a ride. You can't just decide things are okay and they become Okay. You cannot replace, renew or research your way out of it. You must board the bus and sit along for the ride. It's a personal process. When someone else who has met Grief comes along, sure- there is commoradarie in the fact that they know your pain but again, it isn't YOUR pain they know, it's pain they know of.
grief leaves you missing what is lost and changed forever. The things you think are important are no longer important, the things you hadn't thought of are now on your mind. Grief is a lonely teacher. It's a hard emotion to deal with and although I never met my baby, I grieve the loss of is or her life. It has left me changed in ways I haven't fully discovered and I haven't fully understood. Grief leaves a dark spot in an otherwise bright heart. I don't think grief ever leaves, I think grief stays with you and adds to who you are. I think grief comes and goes but never fully leaves. Grief becomes a part of you. And I'm not saying it's all bad, just that it stays with you, changes you, creates those dark spots in your heart from time to time. Tonight, I miss little Jameson or Ava. Grief.
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