I have been away from God for a very very long time. I went to church this Sunday, and the pastor talked about Jesus leaving the 99 sheep behind to go recover the one lost sheep. His message meant to talk to those who do no understand that they are WORTH being recovered. However, I focused on one tiny little detail he said. Maybe the sheep didn't know how to get back.
You know, if I was being honest, I would tell you that I haven't exactly made up my mind about how I feel towards the whole God thing. But I do know that somewhere deep in my heart, my soul is screaming to run to Jesus. See, the thing is - I really DONT know how I feel about things. Like, why God lets the good man die and the bad man live. Why God allows Dementia, hurt and disease - i mean I kind of understand - sort of. But I dont. I do not understand God.
However, I do know this. If you read about Jesus, you can know that he was pretty kick ass. All he wanted was to love and bring people to God. He wasn't the one condemning, hurting, stealing -- he came to give life and not just "being alive" but life to the full (john 10:10) Jesus was the OG - the original gansta, the real shiz, Jesus was legit. He believed what he said and he said what he meant. Jesus, is someone to admire, follow and emulate. Now for this girl, I believe the bible is the real word of God and I happen to believe that Jesus is God so my heart screams to know her creator.
My heart screams to get back to an equilibrium state. My heart cries to know something. At the risk of sounding so hokey and hippyish and super modern age - I must say that my heart longs to get back to the basics, be one with the universe, see the sky without the dilluted light pollution. I am trying to find words for the feeling of wanting to fine tune my soul. I want to get the shit out of it and cleanse myself. I want to find Jesus in the stars, I need to get into nature. I need to strip the crap from my soul and just get back to the basics. I desire this. I crave this. I need this. Just like I am craving Jesus.
I have spent a long time self actualizing. I feel really good about myself. I know the depths of my weaknesses, the hurts, the pains. I know the joys and smiles and quirks of myself. But I have this feeling like I've gotten as far as I can and now I need to simplify. Get out of my head. I need to get back to the basics and I think when I do that, I will find my hearts cry. I will find the essence I am craving.
1 kings 19 11 - 13
So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?
Something is tugging my heart. The only logical response is to follow it. Unwrapping your heart is one of the funnest, scariest, dirtiest, exciting and emotional expriences anyone can do - I recommend you do it. Find yourself. Discover yourself.
When you have discovered what may seem everything, your heart will lead you down to another pathway and you may discover that you didn't know anything at all. All I know, is that I MUST follow my heart and follow its leading. I know something is gonna be good at the end.
-his beloved.
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