You know what I like about my life? I have made choices for myself for the past 6 years and they were choices made of my own design and my own liking. I know that I need to die in order to live but right now what I like about my life is that it is mine. I love waking up and hearing the birds and watching my dogs run outside. I love holding a hot cup of coffee to my chest while I watch the snow fall. I love being able to decide what I will do in the day. I love that I still do it even if my decisions aren’t the best. I love that I get to make that call.
I was in a relationship once that never allowed me those simple freedoms. Yeah, yeah, I was able to wake up and drink my coffee all picturesque and stuff but I do not think I felt the contentment and peace that goes with that picture. I always felt like I was trying to fit inside a mold of who I thought I wanted to be. I tried so hard to be that girl he wanted. It wasn’t until our relationship dissolved that I realized I was a completely different person and I was trying to squish into a mold that was never meant for me.
That relationship taught me a lot about who I am, who I was and who I will never be. I am not a cookie cutter Christian wife. My home is messy and sometimes my hair is just as so. Okay, A lot of times my hair is messy too. I work too hard, I can be moody as hell, I forget to focus on the “right” things that this world has to offer and I am more silly than sexy to my husband. I am sarcastic, cynical and I don’t believe in fairy tales even though I love watching a love story unfold. I am just me. Shit, I am one of the coolest fucking people I have ever met.
I wish I had words to describe the feeling of complete peace with yourself. To be so okay with your strengths and so okay with your weaknesses and to still be okay with yourself. The confidence that makes you awesome, that makes you wantable. People are attracted to great confidence, you know. You know, I don’t say all this to talk about how awesome and conceited I am. I say this, because I want to inspire life into those people who may feel like they are cookie cutter. I want to shake the ideology that we have to grow up, fall in love, get married and yada yada yada…
You can be anything. Travel instead of fall in love. Fall in love instead of be scared. Take that chance and be risky instead of staying safe. ANYTHING.
You know why I think Christian’s walk away from Christ? Like, the biggest root? I think Christian’s aren’t encouraged to challenge God. To find their faith and identity through his faithfulness instead of church all the time. You know how many angry, jaded people the church contains? Well, a freakin lot of them. A lot of them are judgmental to their own and that sucks. I mean, good for them because if that’s who they are, church is a good place to start but with people like that around, when do you feel safe to question God?
** I have to include that the time it took me to reclaim my faith was not just smiles and beer. A lot of the time, I was left to my devices. I struggled with insecurity, the temptation of the blade, and too many arguments that didn’t make sense. It was fun sometimes, but alone, at night, I missed my buddy. I was sad a lot. Being away from god’s love is a darker place than you’d think. But I needed the process. **
Forgive me if I am about to sound heretical and unbiblical because there is a good chance I may be but I think God can handle it. If God is big enough to create this world, wouldn’t he be big enough to answer some questions from his children? Isn’t God big enough to watch his children grow and learn and get smarter towards him instead of away from him? I dare say he is.
You know why I have come back to the faith? Because God was big enough for me to challenge him. God came through when most of his church didn’t. God revealed himself to me, no one knocked on my door and convinced me. I am nowhere near being called a “Christian” and to be honest, I cringe at the title. So at the risk of being cliché, I would revise my previous statement to include: I am no where near being called a Christ follower, but I know that my faith is solid and I am at peace in my soul. The freedom isn’t just from doing whatever the hell you want. The freedom comes from a deeper place in your soul. Self-actualization, understanding, wisdom and peace are the things that accompany that feeling of freedom. I am 100% me. Messy hair, crazy mood swings and a mustard seeds worth of faith that Christ is big enough to bring healing from cookie cutter stigmas and faith through challenging.
No comments:
Post a Comment