There are moments in time that you cannot get back. Moments you didn’t even know you were
making. These moments that open up your
soul for one brief moment and climb inside and change you. These moments are what make up the very best
of who we are.
I recently watched the movie wild
where Reese witherspoon plays a woman who made a bunch of bad choices after her
mom passed away and she literally had no where else to turn. She decided to hike almost the entire pacific crest
trail – because why the hell not. She
was a beginning hiker and she was either really brave or gloriously
stupid. I like to go with strong. Anyways, she ends up making it and helping
herself get out of her hurts and the pain she was struggling with.
As I was watching this movie, I just kept thinking “ I totally understand
why you did this” I really understood her.
I make silly choices that seem asinine to everyone else around me but I
do them for me. I get myself. I understand why I need to do whatever I have
chosen to do. She is a freaking rock star in my mind.
I struggle with baggage – and a lot of it. I have spent many years of my life sorting
through and labeling it, moving it around to better places in my soul and
occasionally, I let some of it go but mostly, I hold it in a tightly locked
room where no one can come in and mess with all my hard work. My work to understand my life: To understand
why my mom wasn’t around when I needed her. To understand why I got to be the
recipient of a man taking his pleasure out on a child. Why I am still a child in some form in my
head. Why I never took enough pills,
messed around with enough people, never cut deep enough, drank black enough to
forget or get the feeling of filth off me.
Why I couldn’t ever be just enough. Why I can’t ever just be enough in
my head. I am chased by my demons.
Childhood memories that I sit close to and acknowledge – knowing that we are
old acquaintances and begrudgingly holding hands with each other. I am
constantly processing. Constantly re-evaluating. These moments have made me. I am the beautiful person I am because of
them and even though a lot of those memories were dark and sad, I am bright and
vibrant now and I wouldn’t change it.
I understand why it took a 1,000 mile hike to clear her head. I 100% get it.
As I watched this movie, something inside me split open. I have been desiring something. Something to re aline my soul with
creation. Get into nature. I was planning on hiking some hiking trails
around here but it wasn’t big enough. I
want to hike that damn trail now. Not
because I am crazy, foolish or “need a mental check” but because I want to do
something marvelous and be marvelous and remember that I am just a small part
of this huge story. It will happen but first I want to revisit a place where I was and wasn't at the same time..
Let me regroup so you understand my passion.
I hiked a mountain in college. I
hiked it with my boyfriend at the time and since our messy break up, those
memories have been tucked away in a “those years” folder in my head. But as I watched this movie, a memory came to
me like a whisper and finally a raging train.
There was one of those moments that I was describing during this trip. We had hiked
all day to get to the top of this old building, super cool building. And I remember it was cold. Dark and cold and we didn’t have anything
left to do so we hunkered down to go to bed when dammit, I had to pee. I was a little nervous going outside by
myself but I didn’t want to ask anyone to come with me so I walked to the
little potty made down a ways from the hut and stopped. I don’t know that I can describe it to do
justice. I was surrounded by the biggest
mountains, stars and valleys I had ever seen.
The wind was cold and bit into my face and skin as I took in my
surroundings. The mountains were all
around us. So incredibly big that It felt like we could keep walking them with
ease. The stars were so bright that I felt like I was standing in the midst of
them just dancing in them. They
surrounded me like fireflies – I was more than myself in that moment. I was one with creation and creator. It was magical.
That feeling is what I am after.
The feeling of being so small and so big at the same time. Of being in such a place that the beauty can
ONLY be a memory that cant quite be shared because there are no words. I do not want words. I want to go and throw myself to the creation
and find a key to my room I guard so closely and let it loose. I want to discover what living life would be
like just me and the world. I want to be
brave and face myself (in a new kind of way) I kind of feel
like that’s all you can do on a trail so long.
I want to be dancing in the stars again. Awestruck by wonder and sure of
my being.
So I will. I have decided. I will find this mountain from college and
conquer it again by myself. I want to
rejuvenate my soul and duke it out with my creator. I wanna go head to head with God and either
come down changed or come down disappointed but I always find God on top of the
hills. In the stars. In nature. I need
to go find God. And I will.
--his beloved
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