I helped my church youth group out at this church lock in type thing this past weekend. We had alot of fun and I met a lot of cool girls just full of beauty. We went inner tubing (I chickened out on snowboarding) and just had a blast. I was reminded of my very own winter escape in 04. It was amazing. Not only did I just LOVE being lock in a church with a ton of kids but sometimes its just refreshing to just be locked away.
The thing about memories is they dont ever leave. Sometimes I think they do, and something will happen that bring them spirling back to my brain. To sort out and process. That happened alot at WWS. I wanted my best friend back. But along with said memories, came the reality that life right now, is how it is. I am different. My best friend at the time is now different. But the memory is sweet. Its kinda like my mom. She lives on through my brothers and I. I have memory after memory of her. EVERYTHING somehow brings her back to me. It was like a razor to my heart at first. but now im learning how to see the sweetness in it. Is that my heart Healing?
There was a time when I would tell people I would go back and redo things. Redo mistakes. But not now. I dont regret doing the things that lead me where I am at. The only regrets I have are those that caused pain for other people. I cant fix it now. I can only change myself to avoid future hurts. Sometimes I wish for the sweetness of the past. its a sad story to let beauty slip away. but its just like coming home after being away for a very long time. It isnt the same, and it wouldnt ever be the same. But the memory is forever sweet. Preserved in my head and heart. When i remember, I feel. I remember how i was feeling. At my very own winter escape. I felt freedom, joy, excitment, and rightness. at that moment in my life, it was right.
I know I am being vague. I do so on purpose. These are my memories stored and locked away in a place no one is allowed to touch. hidden in the sacred place of my heart. I just know, that memories are sweet. they can be bad as well but the ones i talk about now are sweet. gentle. soft. I cherish them. lol because even if i was to return to that moment with that person now. like i said before, it would be all wrong. two different people, two different perspectives, two different from how it used to be. :) but the used to be is still the sweetest thing about a memory.
I hope these young people can look back at this retreat and feel the same special fondness for a weekend locked away with God and godly people. There is something right about being right with God and being around people who love him like you love him. Sometimes its like I'm catching a wiff of heaven. Just loving and helping with no regard to self. Just wanting and desiring to be back in worship with God. I know for those who dont believe in him, that sounds boring; to which i respond, How do you enjoy the rush of the ocean when all you know is the puddle you enjoy. There is something infinitely wonderful about God. To be in rightness with the one who created you. To experience God and his love.
I hear talk of heaven being boring, but wanting to go because hell will be painful. but hell is just eternal seperation from our maker. how dark feeling. Why would you wanna go to heaven if you didnt wanna know Jesus anyways? the less of two evils? I'd argue to experience what you hope for. But thats just me. Heaven, i know will be something I cant even dream of. because I enjoy the puddle. But one day, I'll enjoy the ocean. (without seaweed because I am fearful of such things). or maybe i'll enjoy the freedom of the absence of fear. What a thought. anyways. Im really of topic. I just hope that memories were made, and sweet ones too. Because I know that my winter escape was sweet, and beautiful and the ordaning of something beautiful, perfect and right.
--Jackie
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