pain

"Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
James 1:2-4

2 Corinthians 4:7-9
But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;

I've been through a lot of situations. My upbringing, although I wouldn't change it, wasn't the best it could have been. I am who I am because everything in my life has brought me here. I wouldn't be Jackie without the hard, painful, hurtful events that happened in my life. I also wouldn't be Jackie without the good beautiful events in my life too. While my mom raised us the best she could, God placed a beautiful, wonderful, amazing woman in my life to take up the slack. Even though I am a child of divorce, scarred as such, I am also the child of redemption and grace through my dad's second marriage.

I know pain. I know mistrust. I know disbelief. I know agony. But I also know that it seems like the more tears one cries, the deeper one learns. Its like a piece of meat sitting there to be worked, and the tears and hurts are like adding seasons to a well tenderized steak. I am better for it. I am better through the hurt. What I am trying to say is that the pain in my life was not without good. Everything; and I mean everything, really does get turned around for the better. My parents divorce, although leaving me terrified of never being able to stay together with one person forever, has also shown me how two people actually do stay together. I feel like every painful thing has taught me to be more understanding, more soothing, and more mature.

Pain is not without scars, however. I struggle constantly with trust. I don't believe I am worthy enough to be treated as such. I struggle to believe that I can just be and God will continue to love me just as I am. I am a people pleaser because I don't believe that just being me is enough, and in a way I let people walk all over me to try and keep the title of "good friend." when in reality, I have chosen a poor lot of people to claim friendship with in my days. Not all of them, but I've had quite a few bad friends. But even then, I am amazed when I get a friend who blows my mind away and loves me as is. I am astounded when someone likes me before I do something to win them over. and I am in disbelief when I realize that God still adores me even more than he did yesterday even though I did not earn anything for him. Every bad thing will inevitably equal a good thing.

Romans 8:28 Therefore we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.

I do not think that God intended for me to live a life so bad. I think he knew what would happen and designed me to conquer those things. He made me with so much hope, and so much faith that I could never fail. He made me with so much compassion, I cry for the misfortune of others. He made me able to persevere. He gave me gifts specifically designed for the life that I had no control over and he seasoned me with the pain he knew would be inflicted. I.am.better.for.it. God is not a mean God. I was not handed a bad hand in this life. I was handed my life, that I could not change and he gave me all the tools I would need to conquer it. He is a father, giving me bread and not stones. How beautiful. I have the rest of my life to learn how to trust and love and relax into me. He has already gotten me through the worst of it. He makes all bad into good and I will claim that until my dying day.

Jesus, is a beautiful, loving, wonderful person. God has always protected me, loved me, fought for me. Just because I had a crappy upbringing doesn't mean he wasn't there. I am better for it. I think he knew that. I am stronger, wiser, more compassionate, better. I am better for it. and I thank him for giving me what I needed to get through it. For being there with me when I didn't know how to stand. For carrying me when I had been through enough. How beautiful is the love of the Father. How precious. How wonderful. Nothing compares to his love. Even when i shove him aside and say I know better, I really think he walks with me onto the path I've chosen to make sure when i scrap my knee, he can kiss it better and bandage me up to continue. He can point things out I never would have noticed had he not been there. He can constantly whisper his love for me, always hoping that I would walk the path he's chosen for me. Never have I known such love. Love like that does not throw me into the proverbial lions den and expect me in my own abilities to make it out. I was designed to be loved by someone bigger than me. I was made in his image, made to need him. I was always supposed to rely on him. I cannot do it on my own, he is my Savior. Saviors do not just cause pain. He did everything to make me better for it. And I am better for it.

--Jackie