Journey

Consciousness played no part

to my wandering

my hands empty, my back bare

completely unprepared

unaware of the departure, unaware of the destination

I stood under the heat of the sun

Made the decision to turn

Turn away and walk

My decision focused as I faced the depths

 I embraced the fate I chose as I entered the void

The trees were dark here

No warmth from the sun

I turned my face from that light

Choosing instead the burn from my selfishness

I wrestled with my spirit

As I gave way to flesh

Indulging in things

Found only in the dark

The sweet intoxication of lust

The metallic aroma of hate

The bliss of pride

The smell of wealth

I traced my tongue over the tastes of the depths

Giving way to pleasures and desires

The dark creeping into my skin

Pinprick after pinprick of sweet slick sin

I made the forest my home

So deep I abided, the sun barely crept through

The creatures of the night were my companions

I craved the freedom they represented

Dancing wild in the moonlight

Mixing blood with demons

The forest held me

I clenched back in a vise for dear life

Losing myself to the shadows

Unaware of the roots wrapping around me

The moonlight dimmed

The dancing slowed

The perfume of lust turned stench

hate eroded my soul

the wind picked up and clouds turned black

rain clouded my eyes, roots tripped my feet

my companions fled

alone

the forest raged around me

left with nothing but hate

lust

pride

greed

the sun did not shine here

my hair blew wild around me

standing in the middle of the forest

I longed for the sun

It all became too much

I scrambled around blind

Grasping at anything

Blown about and torn by my own devices

Demons ripping at my skin

The sun peeks through

Giving light to my eyes

Bright, so bright

Showing me the way out

Stumbling against the wind

I emerge beaten, bruised, haggard

The sun greets me

I turn my face away

I love the sun

But the comfort of the shadows lingers

The scars of my debauchery scream raw

I am changed

Right. Left. Right. Left.

I move away from the depths

It calls to me

My demons cling to me

The sun warms me

I am changed.

The sun warms me.

Romans 7: 14 For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. 15For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I [would] like to [do], but I am doing the very thing I hate.

I think I found a sunflower

I have been spending a lot of time deciding.  We decided to get married.  We decided to move.  We decided to take in a roommate who needed somewhere to stay.  We decided NOT to get another animal, haha.  I decided to make the yard look a little liveable.  Now, my yard isn't big, its very little but no one had done anything to the yard since summer had started so there were a lot of plants in it, but it wasn't very liveable.  When I say plants, I don't just mean some silly dandilions - I mean plants that came up to my waste.  Very tall weeds.  I couldn't clean up the dog crap (which was my intended chore) so I got some dish gloves on and went to work.  I brought a garbage sack with me thinking it would be sufficient, however it ended up laying in the corner of the yard while the weed pile stacked higher and higher and ... higher. While I was digging things up, I came across a plant that didn't look like the rest of the weeds.  It looked like a "real plant."  So, I left it there amongst the (now) dirt and continued my task until I had pulled up every thing I could grab with my hands.

My yard is a wasted barren land with a few tufts of grass that I couldn't pull up on my own.  However, my yard is workable now - for next summer.  It's far too late in the season to begin growth like that.  My yard will sit and I will think of all the wonderful plans I have for it through the winter and I will begin my garden before the snow even melts. But for now, I have a plant to look after.  My sunflower.  ONE sunflower sitting in the most awkward place in the yard but very much alive.  My focus is going into watching the plant come to a completion in its cycle and as I tend for this silly plant, God showed me what he has been doing in my barren heart that contain a few stubborn issues and maybe one or two sunflowers.  Its sad to parallel this with my wasteland yard but spiritually, my heart is a wasteland.

I think my biggest struggle is the taste of sin that smells so sweet.  I want to make my own decisions and choices and damn to hell anyone who stands in my way.  My pride is the stepping stone to my success and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise.  See, I'm growing all these things and ideas and cool "plants" in my heart and mind but while they have use and while they are "plants" -  I am growing weeds that will not amount to anything and will be ripped up to make way for the good things or for the "sunflowers" in my heart.

As I was ripping up these weeds and looking at all the gross dirt left behind I saw God pruning my heart.  See right now, my heart is like my yard - so full of weeds, I can't see the sunflower, the potential, the uses, the functionality.  God wants to rip the weeds out so I can grow a garden of flowers instead of useless crap.  Flowers of  peace, love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, joy, goodness, faithfulness.  Flowers of hope, faith, promise.  Flowers imbued with his genes, created from his attributes and adored with his love.
The bible says that against such things there are no laws.  I like no rules.  rules and I kind of have a bittersweet rivalry.  

God has created miracles in my life and I didn't realize it.  He wants to give me beauty and joy and I just want to hold onto the things that I know.  It's kind of like having a sin mentality.  I cling to it because I understand sin.  I can play that game good because I know those rules.  However, I think during these winter months, I will decide to make it a point to allow him to clear my field and prepare a harvest.  Maybe its time to try a new garden, instead of clinging to the weeds.  Because even though some weeds are nice, there are far better things in this world than nice.  God wants to give us this garden.  We have to allow him to pull up the weeds before he can plant it though because joy and hate cannot live together just like weeds and plants cannot co-exist.  The weeds choke the plants.  Hate is easier than joy sometimes.  Lets hope my daily decisions always follow this train of thought.

- His beloved.

at the corner of stripped faith and I cant do this alone

I had this breakdown a couple of days ago, spiritually, of course.  I became so overwhelmed with the immensity of my questions on religion and Jesus, my life, my relationships and trying to do everything on my own, that i just breathed a small little prayer of realization to god "I cannot do this on my own."  I think it was this moment that broke the pride inside me.  This wall of incessant weight that I carry with me to protect myself.  See, the thing is, I don't trust god.  I never really have.  My trust is about as little as I can get away with.  I think this is where most of my issues come from.  I do not like that God gets to have his way and gets to call all the shots.  I do not like that I am not in complete control of my life.  I wanted to be.  I tried to be. But God or no god, I still wasn't in control.  I think i just got to a point where I was okay with not being in control and despite my questions, I must keep walking and since I do believe in Jesus, I would much rather figure things out with him than away from him.

I met Jesus in 2004.  February 25th to be exact.  He changed my world.  But I lost something very dear to me that kind of taught me about Jesus.  I identified Jesus through this person's ideas and when he derailed, so did my faith.  Then my mom died and I just felt lost.  and angry.  I got very angry.  I felt God had done me an injustice.  God took these things away, and even though I realize they were for good reasons, I was just mad that GOD made the call.  I didn't get to choose.

I've been mad for a long time.  I've been selfish a long time.  I have lived my life for myself for a long time.  And even though I still intend to live for myself, right now... for the first time in a long time, I am open to Jesus having a say.  I am not angry anymore.  I don't agree with a lot of things Jesus does, and I think God gets things backwards  a lot but I am open.  that's a big step.

So here I stand.  at the corner.  but I feel refreshed and ready to start relearning my faith from ground zero.  We are starting with trust.  The biggest but I think, the most fundamental piece.  nothing else has really changed.  I'm still pretty selfish. I'm still crazy cynical and I still have my questions.  But, this is good.  It feels good.

Mustard seeds? Faith? Yeah, okay..

Just how quantitative is mustard seed status? What measurement can I apply that to? It's small yes, but I can still see it, touch it, feel it, plant it. What if my faith has dwindled to smaller? It certainly feels like it. I am trying to try. I am wanting to want. I desire to desire. I am drowning, I am so lost.
Spiritually, I just can't get the hang of it and I wish I could just be black and white about this but I cannot. I wish I could just cut it off and say okay, there is just no god and I have been wrong this whole time but I CAN'T. I cannot lie to myself, because my heart says there is a God. My heart, the earth, the rocks cry out something greater than us. Denying it would be the ignorance. So reason would say, okay there is a God but who, what, in what spectrum? In what capacity? How relevant is he to our lives? Well, if a God created the world for practical reasons, why the beauty? Why love? Why Emotions? It wouldn't make sense.
I believe the bible with my whole heart, I am sure of that. Yes, there is some ambiguity as to who wrote it, decided what was holy, pieced it Together, but I believe it.

I know there is a God, I believe in Jesus and when I get so frustrated that I would like to believe nothing I am reminded. Because I have been a part of another life, another world. I have participated in worship of God and really felt something. I have had dreams, seen visions, heard promises. This doesn't come from nowhere. I have felt the presence of God. I know this is a silly thing to hear especially by those that do not believe in Jesus but I have. I have transcended worlds, I have been rooted deep and cut down the stalk. My roots live and when I would try to deny a God, I am reminded of something more. I just don't know how to find it. I don't know how to find the passion to find it. It is SO exhausting, trying to find something that used to be so easy.

I worked out for a month with no weight loss results. It woke me up to realize that I really need to just buckle down and stick with my calorie counting, working out routine to actually lose the weight. Well maybe what I'm doing spiritually, is the same thing. I'm trying but not really- maybe it's time I buckle down and really get uncomfortable, because this ambiguity just isn't cutting it anymore. God is not a vending machine and I can't expect to have a relationship with someone I treat as such.

I really hope people with faith as big as a mustard seed really have enough because I'm kinda banking on it for now..

- his beloved

The lord gives and the lord takes away

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

I was watching swamp loggers (of all shows) and there is this hardworking log cutter man named simetrio or something like that.  There was a fire near his home and he had to go evacuate his family in case it got closer.  When he got there, he wasn't like "ahhh why is this happening"  he was calm and collected and at ease.  As he drove out of his driveway with his family and some clothing and personal items, he said "hopefully the fire will not destroy our home.  Just as the Lord blessed us with the house, we pray he will keep it safe."

I forget this simple lesson.  "just as the Lord gave."  I get caught up in this life a lot.  I get caught up in the fact that I am trying to be a reasonably stable adult.  I am trying to pay my bills and school loans while keeping my job and being a decent member of society.  I pay my taxes and vote.  its all about me.  I forget that it is the LORD who gives me breath and health and intelligence to claim these things.  I forget that if the LORD willed me to lose my job, I would.  If the LORD willed me to get sick, I could.  I mean, look at Job.  The Lord allowed what happened to him to happen to him.  God blesses my life.  Even though I like to think that I have done everything to get where I am, I cannot say that with absolute certainty.

Just as the Lord has blessed me with life, and allowed my marriage to be civil, keeps my car running - he has not promised it. The Lord gives and he can take it away and because he is infinitely pure and holy [blessed BE his name].  God is not a vending machine.  I treat him like one.  I only visit when I want something from the third row.  shame on me.  I need to remember this lesson.

the lord gives and the lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the lord.

- his beloved

There is a dark spot in my otherwise bright heart

It wasn't meant to be planned.. Not really. But it happened and we were ready for it. Being pregnant changed my worldview. Things that didn't seem important were now important And things that were once important were not so important. The morning sickness sucked but I took it in stride. Then September 13th happened and we found out the baby had died. Grief. Grief is a dark spot in my heart. Not just the loss of our baby but the loss of my mom, the loss of my first real love. Those types of things cut from your soul with a butchers knife only to leave behind scars where the soul mended around the holes.
Grief is a ride. You can't just decide things are okay and they become Okay. You cannot replace, renew or research your way out of it. You must board the bus and sit along for the ride. It's a personal process. When someone else who has met Grief comes along, sure- there is commoradarie in the fact that they know your pain but again, it isn't YOUR pain they know, it's pain they know of.
grief leaves you missing what is lost and changed forever. The things you think are important are no longer important, the things you hadn't thought of are now on your mind. Grief is a lonely teacher. It's a hard emotion to deal with and although I never met my baby, I grieve the loss of is or her life. It has left me changed in ways I haven't fully discovered and I haven't fully understood. Grief leaves a dark spot in an otherwise bright heart. I don't think grief ever leaves, I think grief stays with you and adds to who you are. I think grief comes and goes but never fully leaves. Grief becomes a part of you. And I'm not saying it's all bad, just that it stays with you, changes you, creates those dark spots in your heart from time to time. Tonight, I miss little Jameson or Ava. Grief.

Pain wrung from my soul

The way I grew up- the baggage I carry from dramatic events in my life, the pain scarred in my soul from words, deeds, actions and consequences, the bitter walls I built to protect my heart as well as so so many more things I know but cannot possibly understand created me. It defined me-- no. I defined me by it. But that isn't the me I was created to be.

Before I met Christ, I allowed these things to define me. The Jackie that I was, was wrapped up in this identity that the world had created. I allowed the hurts from my childhood build on top of each other like scar tissue. Layer upon layer. Brick by brick I built my wall. The ability to not cry because it belayed weakness, the cold insensitive heart that showed no empathy, the hatred that twisted In my heart, poisoning my soul.

There was a time- a climax, where this scar tissue, those bricks, those feelings became too much for me and I broke. February 25th 2004 was the day I met Jesus- for real and began my journey with him.

Layer after layer, piece by broken piece he dissected me. Stripped my heart of things I held onto to keep myself safe. He showed me better ways to do things, showed me feelings this earth had yet to show. Loving Jesus, changed me into a person who loved people. It was like he wrung the sin out of me along with my tears. There was healing like nothing in this world that took place in those earlier years. I remember the youth pastor that invested their lives into mine, the people who had patience with my jagged edges,, the person who discipled me, who built faith into me. All this happened while Jesus dived into my heart and rebuilt it.

I remember crying a lot. Not always negatively, but crying a lot. There was much in my soul that needed reversing. I know I have a plan and a purpose. I know for a long time, I have been running from those things. Cowardly, I admit. I am a coward. I am selfish because I want to live my life for myself. I want to live for me despite all he has done for me.

Jesus has made me stronger. I can overcome much because of his loving touch. I am me more now than I ever was then and he used a lot of people to accomplish this work. I'm turning. My heart is turning to him. I am remembering. However, I am also remembering those who invested something deep. I am humbled tonight remembering the tears from my first years. I am humbled while I remember the growing pains, the blossoming in my heart and the joy despite measured sorrow.

If I am the prodigal, I have found myself in slop and begun to remember my fathers house. I am spent.

-his beloved despite so so much