I have been spending a lot of time deciding. We decided to get married. We decided to move. We decided to take in a roommate who needed somewhere to stay. We decided NOT to get another animal, haha. I decided to make the yard look a little liveable. Now, my yard isn't big, its very little but no one had done anything to the yard since summer had started so there were a lot of plants in it, but it wasn't very liveable. When I say plants, I don't just mean some silly dandilions - I mean plants that came up to my waste. Very tall weeds. I couldn't clean up the dog crap (which was my intended chore) so I got some dish gloves on and went to work. I brought a garbage sack with me thinking it would be sufficient, however it ended up laying in the corner of the yard while the weed pile stacked higher and higher and ... higher. While I was digging things up, I came across a plant that didn't look like the rest of the weeds. It looked like a "real plant." So, I left it there amongst the (now) dirt and continued my task until I had pulled up every thing I could grab with my hands.
My yard is a wasted barren land with a few tufts of grass that I couldn't pull up on my own. However, my yard is workable now - for next summer. It's far too late in the season to begin growth like that. My yard will sit and I will think of all the wonderful plans I have for it through the winter and I will begin my garden before the snow even melts. But for now, I have a plant to look after. My sunflower. ONE sunflower sitting in the most awkward place in the yard but very much alive. My focus is going into watching the plant come to a completion in its cycle and as I tend for this silly plant, God showed me what he has been doing in my barren heart that contain a few stubborn issues and maybe one or two sunflowers. Its sad to parallel this with my wasteland yard but spiritually, my heart is a wasteland.
I think my biggest struggle is the taste of sin that smells so sweet. I want to make my own decisions and choices and damn to hell anyone who stands in my way. My pride is the stepping stone to my success and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. See, I'm growing all these things and ideas and cool "plants" in my heart and mind but while they have use and while they are "plants" - I am growing weeds that will not amount to anything and will be ripped up to make way for the good things or for the "sunflowers" in my heart.
As I was ripping up these weeds and looking at all the gross dirt left behind I saw God pruning my heart. See right now, my heart is like my yard - so full of weeds, I can't see the sunflower, the potential, the uses, the functionality. God wants to rip the weeds out so I can grow a garden of flowers instead of useless crap. Flowers of peace, love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, joy, goodness, faithfulness. Flowers of hope, faith, promise. Flowers imbued with his genes, created from his attributes and adored with his love.
The bible says that against such things there are no laws. I like no rules. rules and I kind of have a bittersweet rivalry.
God has created miracles in my life and I didn't realize it. He wants to give me beauty and joy and I just want to hold onto the things that I know. It's kind of like having a sin mentality. I cling to it because I understand sin. I can play that game good because I know those rules. However, I think during these winter months, I will decide to make it a point to allow him to clear my field and prepare a harvest. Maybe its time to try a new garden, instead of clinging to the weeds. Because even though some weeds are nice, there are far better things in this world than nice. God wants to give us this garden. We have to allow him to pull up the weeds before he can plant it though because joy and hate cannot live together just like weeds and plants cannot co-exist. The weeds choke the plants. Hate is easier than joy sometimes. Lets hope my daily decisions always follow this train of thought.
- His beloved.
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