I run from God because he expects me to live up to the potential he designed me to live up to. Expects might be a strong word, but he definitely knows I can be more than who I am and is always showing me how to be better than who i am.
Did you ever see avatar, the last airbender? He runs from his responsibilities.. He feels a loss of personal rights, a loss of freedom, loss. I can relate to that.
I've spent the majority of three years or so just telling God to shove it, unless I need him.. But as I've grown, sitting here telling God to shove it, I have begun to think that it may quite possibly be time to put my childish ways behind me...
I've recently stepped into a larger leadership role in my life.. One that means more to me than the others that I've been involved with. I try really hard to become and stay an effective lead Cna, it's really important to me.. But it's teaching me. It's teaching me something I have long fought God on.. Being a leader means your standards are different, more people watch you, your ethics must be on top, your game has to be on top, you have to be the best you so when people look up, there is something to look up to. I don't think I'm quite there yet, I'm actually a long ways off but I need to get there because to me, being a leader means being the one who does the right thing, has vision, has goals and actually follows through with those goals. Being a leader is a serious thing to me.. Because when you are leading people, they are willing to follow and that isn't something to play around with. I want to give people a reason to stick around and hear me out.
Obviously, I am no longer talking about just being a lead CNA - I'm talking about the plans that God has laid out for my life, something big and something scary but it's time to accept it and stop running. It's time to get up and get my act together, fix my character, lift my chin.. Cuz its time to become a leader.
When I was just five months into being 17, I sat down on an old tattered rug in a dilapidated old chapel at little beaver camp and demanded, more whined, that God tell me please what I was supposed to do with my life. The caressing, resounding voice inside my being that answered me was familiar and the answer was known to the pit of my soul - "you will go to Africa and be a missionary." my life has never been the same. My goals have always been to complete this desire that smolders inside my heart. Even when I have been running, the passion for Africa remained.
I need to be there, I cannot explain it, but I've been running fromIt- out of fear, from selfishness, from pride. It's time to raise my head and become a leader, cuz I am no longer a child and it's time to grow up and accept this...gift that I've thrown away so spoiled-ly.
It's going to be hard, but something has awaken inside me - I'm sure it was God, a lot of it has to do with recovering from burnout, getting over grief and loss, and working too much. spiritually, Something is blowing fresh air on my coaled up heart and making my embers glow. Could I be lucky enough one day to feel a fire? I'll let you know.His beloved :)
rose
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
confessions of an apathetic disciple
It started with a couple pathetic prayers. I didn't mean them, but maybe somewhere deep down inside, something better than me meant them. The first started as some kind of anguished feeling of being left out. I didn't like feeling like I was missing something, so I prayed something like: "God, I don't like it, but I don't care enough to change it. I love you but I don't feel anything enough to care. You figure it out"
The second started because that feeling blossomed into this... stray light breaking through my clouds. I had pushed God so far away to pursue my own path and my own goals that my reality grew dim when I thought it was brightening up. that nagging feeling of unease broke into my self appointed darkness. The prayer came out something like: "God, what the heck? I am too tired to try, leave me alone"
After that, the realization of emotional, physical and mental burnout eased into my consciousness and woke me up to the reality that I was burnt out in a bad way. Something had to change, or nothing would. But the ironic thing about being so burnt out that apathy sets in as some kind of coping mechanism is that you see the problems but you don't care enough to fix them. I believe it is truly the most dangerous thing to the christian faith - apathy. nothing, void, empty, - who cares.
My prayers seemed few and far between as I got up, worked, slept, ate and worked some more.. then slept some more. I have no time in my life for anything but what I am doing. that's my reality right now, but i believe God, my loving savior heard my poor excuse of a prayer and began to do something about it. He knows my heart for relationship and he knows I desperately love him. I began to feel lonely and sad that I couldn't share big changes in my life with him... not because I'm bad or anything but because he didn't fit into my self preserving schedule. No one should ever have to live like that - I was meant for something more than that, and it took a long time before the bravery came to change my circumstances. I am making small tiny (still pathetic in my book) attempts to wake the heck up and breathe. God, being the awesome guy he is, just holds my hand and waits for me.
So, here it is
I work 12 hours a day to have enough money to feel safe in this world, to pay my loans off and make something of my self only to realize that I have abandoned the things that matter: God, my friends, the quality of life I should be having, joy, peace, relaxation... did i mention peace?
Are those things worth the extra 1000$ my second job brings in? I say no. therefore, I have submitted my 2 weeks notice and have begun a journey to reclaim my soul. To wake up. I know I sound far from apathetic, and that's a better state than Ive been in in a while but I still am.. my attempts are feeble at best, but the biggest change is i have actually made an attempt.
best part of all of this... it all started with a crappy prayer I didn't mean, and in his faithfulness, God planted a tree bearing fruit from my dead seed.
--His beloved.
The second started because that feeling blossomed into this... stray light breaking through my clouds. I had pushed God so far away to pursue my own path and my own goals that my reality grew dim when I thought it was brightening up. that nagging feeling of unease broke into my self appointed darkness. The prayer came out something like: "God, what the heck? I am too tired to try, leave me alone"
After that, the realization of emotional, physical and mental burnout eased into my consciousness and woke me up to the reality that I was burnt out in a bad way. Something had to change, or nothing would. But the ironic thing about being so burnt out that apathy sets in as some kind of coping mechanism is that you see the problems but you don't care enough to fix them. I believe it is truly the most dangerous thing to the christian faith - apathy. nothing, void, empty, - who cares.
My prayers seemed few and far between as I got up, worked, slept, ate and worked some more.. then slept some more. I have no time in my life for anything but what I am doing. that's my reality right now, but i believe God, my loving savior heard my poor excuse of a prayer and began to do something about it. He knows my heart for relationship and he knows I desperately love him. I began to feel lonely and sad that I couldn't share big changes in my life with him... not because I'm bad or anything but because he didn't fit into my self preserving schedule. No one should ever have to live like that - I was meant for something more than that, and it took a long time before the bravery came to change my circumstances. I am making small tiny (still pathetic in my book) attempts to wake the heck up and breathe. God, being the awesome guy he is, just holds my hand and waits for me.
So, here it is
I work 12 hours a day to have enough money to feel safe in this world, to pay my loans off and make something of my self only to realize that I have abandoned the things that matter: God, my friends, the quality of life I should be having, joy, peace, relaxation... did i mention peace?
Are those things worth the extra 1000$ my second job brings in? I say no. therefore, I have submitted my 2 weeks notice and have begun a journey to reclaim my soul. To wake up. I know I sound far from apathetic, and that's a better state than Ive been in in a while but I still am.. my attempts are feeble at best, but the biggest change is i have actually made an attempt.
best part of all of this... it all started with a crappy prayer I didn't mean, and in his faithfulness, God planted a tree bearing fruit from my dead seed.
--His beloved.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A Burning Desire
I am waiting, I am urning so bad, I am desiring. I am doing nothing about it.
This place I sit in is comfortable, its calm, I rule the cards - I created the deck, and when things get too hard, I ask for a TINY bit of help and rewrite the instructions, so it was always me that fixed it anyways. I am the master of my world and I dont want to leave it. I like to make my own choices and I like to do things MY way. I love that I have a savior to pull me out of trouble, but I am not being a servant, I am being the captian of my own ship.
Ironically, Jesus knew I would begin to feel lonely at the top (the top of my tiny little sinking ship). I think thats why he lets us do things our way, so that when we crash and burn (or feel empty inside) it isnt him saying I told you so, its us saying "you knew better than me" Jesus is awesome like that. I have been feeling a little empty for awhile. I like where my life is at but I am not so sure I am willing to stay on this path without Him. My desires buRN so deeply inside my chest.
I remember a time when I would pray and see heaven behind my eyelids. I remember a time when I would pray and trust that my prayer was answered. I remember a time when childlike faith was rewarded and I didnt care who thought I was ignorant because I was comforted by the love of the God I knew to be so real. I can still feel the touch of hands on my face, the smell of flowers all around me, the feel of grass in between my toes, the white dress and face of love in front of me. A secret place that I feel comfortable only vaguely mentioning. A special place in my heart and mind filled with an intimacy like nothing i've known in this world. Filled with something bigger than this earth carries. Filled with his face and the beating of his heart. I remember. thats the problem though. I shouldnt be just REMEMBERING I should be living.
Casting crowns said it good when they sang "its a slow fade, when you give yourself away" and I honestly believe that the biggest threat to the christian church really is Apathy. It is SO hard to come back from because not only do you not care enough to try but you cant seem to muster the courage to want to fight it. Its worse than being in chains, because even if you were - you wouldn't even care. Man. Apathy. Its a dark and calming place.
But if there is something that I know and believe with all my heart, it is that the Holy Spirit runs a path of fire, burning pain into the dead. Awakening the few things that would drive the heart back into the arms of love. why one would leave is beyond me, apparently being away is so much cooler. No, I know why I ran. I didnt want responsibility. I desired my own path. I desire it still. But something is stirring. Something is breathing my soul to flame. My little ember hidden in the dust is getting brighter. - maybe. I dont know. apathy.
The most beautiful thing I can say in this post is this. The HOLY Lord, Jesus - pure - completely pure, follows us around the sin we hold onto, finds a place to stay in our dirty hearts. This white, spotless beautiful God, chooses to stick it out, for better and worse - because we are for some unknown reason, loved by God. LOVED. not like "oh i love you so much" but LOVED. passionately, purposefully, desired, jealous, ravishingly LOVED. - He is the savior for a reason. Because we need him to save us, we cant do this on our own. Only he had the strength to birth and crucify Jesus, God incarnate to bring us back into his arms.
man, with a statement like that, you'd think one couldnt be apathetic. - unfortunately, Embarressingly, I still am.
His beloved.
This place I sit in is comfortable, its calm, I rule the cards - I created the deck, and when things get too hard, I ask for a TINY bit of help and rewrite the instructions, so it was always me that fixed it anyways. I am the master of my world and I dont want to leave it. I like to make my own choices and I like to do things MY way. I love that I have a savior to pull me out of trouble, but I am not being a servant, I am being the captian of my own ship.
Ironically, Jesus knew I would begin to feel lonely at the top (the top of my tiny little sinking ship). I think thats why he lets us do things our way, so that when we crash and burn (or feel empty inside) it isnt him saying I told you so, its us saying "you knew better than me" Jesus is awesome like that. I have been feeling a little empty for awhile. I like where my life is at but I am not so sure I am willing to stay on this path without Him. My desires buRN so deeply inside my chest.
I remember a time when I would pray and see heaven behind my eyelids. I remember a time when I would pray and trust that my prayer was answered. I remember a time when childlike faith was rewarded and I didnt care who thought I was ignorant because I was comforted by the love of the God I knew to be so real. I can still feel the touch of hands on my face, the smell of flowers all around me, the feel of grass in between my toes, the white dress and face of love in front of me. A secret place that I feel comfortable only vaguely mentioning. A special place in my heart and mind filled with an intimacy like nothing i've known in this world. Filled with something bigger than this earth carries. Filled with his face and the beating of his heart. I remember. thats the problem though. I shouldnt be just REMEMBERING I should be living.
Casting crowns said it good when they sang "its a slow fade, when you give yourself away" and I honestly believe that the biggest threat to the christian church really is Apathy. It is SO hard to come back from because not only do you not care enough to try but you cant seem to muster the courage to want to fight it. Its worse than being in chains, because even if you were - you wouldn't even care. Man. Apathy. Its a dark and calming place.
But if there is something that I know and believe with all my heart, it is that the Holy Spirit runs a path of fire, burning pain into the dead. Awakening the few things that would drive the heart back into the arms of love. why one would leave is beyond me, apparently being away is so much cooler. No, I know why I ran. I didnt want responsibility. I desired my own path. I desire it still. But something is stirring. Something is breathing my soul to flame. My little ember hidden in the dust is getting brighter. - maybe. I dont know. apathy.
The most beautiful thing I can say in this post is this. The HOLY Lord, Jesus - pure - completely pure, follows us around the sin we hold onto, finds a place to stay in our dirty hearts. This white, spotless beautiful God, chooses to stick it out, for better and worse - because we are for some unknown reason, loved by God. LOVED. not like "oh i love you so much" but LOVED. passionately, purposefully, desired, jealous, ravishingly LOVED. - He is the savior for a reason. Because we need him to save us, we cant do this on our own. Only he had the strength to birth and crucify Jesus, God incarnate to bring us back into his arms.
man, with a statement like that, you'd think one couldnt be apathetic. - unfortunately, Embarressingly, I still am.
His beloved.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Turn the music down and listen
I had the day off today, ironically, I still found myself at work doing employment classes. When I left, I took the bus ( because its free and goes right by my house :) not to mention the gas savings) and get to the transfer station only to find security holding a drunk man up against the wall. Now it is at this point that I remove the earbuds from my ears to eavesdrop on the situation while I wait for my connecting bus.
It would be pointless to describe the race of the man pinned to the wall, but for the sake of this post, i'll mention he was an Alaskan native. Where I live, we struggle with the "chronic inebriates" that the Daily News Miner (our local paper) has recently dubbed our local drunk population. I lived downtown for a couple years and I regret to say, the eyes begin to see past, the ears begin to block out and the mouth gets harder alongside the heart towards the inebriate population. It's also unfortunate to admit that the majority of the population happen to be Alaska natives. (not to offend my beautiful friends of Alaska that are indeed native).
The blue line pulls up as the security men convince the pinned man to enter the drunk tank van parked around back- and I change the song in my iPod. During the ride on my connecting bus, the people in front of me are currently discussing whose joint smells better and what would be the fairest trade of such products. The younger man's joint wins in the end and a trade of said joint and suspicious looking pill is traded wherein they commence joking and regaling each other with stories of nights barely remembered and fights lost on the weekend. I turn my iPod up.
It is then at that moment when I see how much I don't care about my people. Fairbanks is my home, the bus travelers my brothers, the man pinned to the wall, my uncle and the "chronic inebriates" my cousins. These are my people and I am dead with hopelessness on how to help. The thing is, sometimes, the problem is so overwhelming that the answer is nowhere in sight. The problem so big, that it's easier to turn up the iPod then take it out and join the conversation. I do not like feeling helpless, and I don't know how god can change something so desolate- but his word says he can, therefore I know it is possible. Could it be that people like me need to turn down their iPods and help?
I want to be a missionary, and I am ashamed at who I am. Jesus did not come to heal the healthy but the sick, but how will anyone know the power of Jesus of they have not heard? And most importantly, how will they hear when I cannot - no- will not turn down my iPod and open my ears and refocus my eyes?
I am only changed by his grace. Maybe the people I ride the bus with could be to. There are no lost causes.
His beloved
It would be pointless to describe the race of the man pinned to the wall, but for the sake of this post, i'll mention he was an Alaskan native. Where I live, we struggle with the "chronic inebriates" that the Daily News Miner (our local paper) has recently dubbed our local drunk population. I lived downtown for a couple years and I regret to say, the eyes begin to see past, the ears begin to block out and the mouth gets harder alongside the heart towards the inebriate population. It's also unfortunate to admit that the majority of the population happen to be Alaska natives. (not to offend my beautiful friends of Alaska that are indeed native).
The blue line pulls up as the security men convince the pinned man to enter the drunk tank van parked around back- and I change the song in my iPod. During the ride on my connecting bus, the people in front of me are currently discussing whose joint smells better and what would be the fairest trade of such products. The younger man's joint wins in the end and a trade of said joint and suspicious looking pill is traded wherein they commence joking and regaling each other with stories of nights barely remembered and fights lost on the weekend. I turn my iPod up.
It is then at that moment when I see how much I don't care about my people. Fairbanks is my home, the bus travelers my brothers, the man pinned to the wall, my uncle and the "chronic inebriates" my cousins. These are my people and I am dead with hopelessness on how to help. The thing is, sometimes, the problem is so overwhelming that the answer is nowhere in sight. The problem so big, that it's easier to turn up the iPod then take it out and join the conversation. I do not like feeling helpless, and I don't know how god can change something so desolate- but his word says he can, therefore I know it is possible. Could it be that people like me need to turn down their iPods and help?
I want to be a missionary, and I am ashamed at who I am. Jesus did not come to heal the healthy but the sick, but how will anyone know the power of Jesus of they have not heard? And most importantly, how will they hear when I cannot - no- will not turn down my iPod and open my ears and refocus my eyes?
I am only changed by his grace. Maybe the people I ride the bus with could be to. There are no lost causes.
His beloved
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Heaven is Real...?
I read this book, heaven is for real and it tells this awesome story about a boy who died during a procedure and visits heaven. For this apathetic, cynical soul, it was a breath of fresh air, surprisingly. I get so caught up in trying to be level headed and annoyingly realistic that I fear i shove all room for faith from my heart. The dreams I believe God has given me are still there, sometimes I have very real moments with God, but faith for me gets over analyzed and trashed by logical sequencing. This book though, even though I feel I should be critically analyzing, has breathed into my soul and awaken a part of me I didn't know had fallen asleep...
Faith like a child. Am I still his child? Pride and arrogance wraps its arms around me to shield me from the hurts of this world and I am missing the most important part. I really am talking to my creator when I pray. I really am hearing from Christ, the guy in the book of words that sear my soul. Christ, the guy who died so i could be a little punk christian who thinks she knows the world better than the dude who created it. Christ, who still loves me despite all that. Alive.
It is so hard for me to hold onto that concept these days. I don't know what made me so cynical and so hard, but I just am. I critique everything the Christians around me do, staying far enough apart that I cannot critique myself. Staying far enough away that I can do what I want and explain it away. Its funny how we Christians make the christian faith work for us, instead of submitting to it.
But all that aside, heaven is real. I knew that because despite my stubborn pigheadedness and rebellious analytical nature, I firmly believe the bible is law. It is truth and my life must a line to the truth inside such texts. The bible says its real, thus i believe it is real. But after reading this book, my heart finally accepted that it is real. Man, I don't even really care about the heaven part - I care about the meeting Jesus part. I look around me at my stuff, my goals and who I have in my life, and it doesn't mean anything. Nothing. Because if I died now, I would be with Christ. That fact is the song and desire of my heart. I want that so bad that I think i somehow just pushed it away. I want to look at him and touch him, feel him and sit on his lap and feel pure like a child. The child I know I am but try so hard to prove i'm not. God, I'm so annoying.
I prayed after readin this book, and i felt for the first time in a long time that I was really talking to Jesus. My faith grew wings and flew. I prayed for something knowing it would happen, I said no to sin because I had my head in the game. I had the right perspective for once. now if only I can hold onto that without crashing and burning. All the negative aside. This book has carved off a big chunk of realism inside me and brought something back to life - like only the holy spirit can do.
Thanks god for being my savior, man you know I need it.
- his beloved.
Faith like a child. Am I still his child? Pride and arrogance wraps its arms around me to shield me from the hurts of this world and I am missing the most important part. I really am talking to my creator when I pray. I really am hearing from Christ, the guy in the book of words that sear my soul. Christ, the guy who died so i could be a little punk christian who thinks she knows the world better than the dude who created it. Christ, who still loves me despite all that. Alive.
It is so hard for me to hold onto that concept these days. I don't know what made me so cynical and so hard, but I just am. I critique everything the Christians around me do, staying far enough apart that I cannot critique myself. Staying far enough away that I can do what I want and explain it away. Its funny how we Christians make the christian faith work for us, instead of submitting to it.
But all that aside, heaven is real. I knew that because despite my stubborn pigheadedness and rebellious analytical nature, I firmly believe the bible is law. It is truth and my life must a line to the truth inside such texts. The bible says its real, thus i believe it is real. But after reading this book, my heart finally accepted that it is real. Man, I don't even really care about the heaven part - I care about the meeting Jesus part. I look around me at my stuff, my goals and who I have in my life, and it doesn't mean anything. Nothing. Because if I died now, I would be with Christ. That fact is the song and desire of my heart. I want that so bad that I think i somehow just pushed it away. I want to look at him and touch him, feel him and sit on his lap and feel pure like a child. The child I know I am but try so hard to prove i'm not. God, I'm so annoying.
I prayed after readin this book, and i felt for the first time in a long time that I was really talking to Jesus. My faith grew wings and flew. I prayed for something knowing it would happen, I said no to sin because I had my head in the game. I had the right perspective for once. now if only I can hold onto that without crashing and burning. All the negative aside. This book has carved off a big chunk of realism inside me and brought something back to life - like only the holy spirit can do.
Thanks god for being my savior, man you know I need it.
- his beloved.
Friday, October 7, 2011
favor?
The Holy Spirit has been whispering one word to me for the past month. FAVOR. Its getting quite frustrating because I'm not certain why He continues to let me know I have favor in my life. I feel like who I am is blessed with a continual amount of favor. Who the heck am I that I would be so blessed. I am a clumsy fool, stumbling over even the smallest sinful blocks that would come my way. The thing I am left to wonder after deciding that I am blessed with a larger than normal level of favor in my life is why. For what purpose has God ordained that I should need favor to exceed his plans? I am a dandilion flolating on the wind right now. I know where I want to go, where I should go but have a reasonably difficult time getting there. I like my stumbling blocks - far more than I should. I feel as if the blessed favor is wasted on me. Being a missionary? There are better suited canidates. Why me? Favor? I am still pondering such things.
_his beloved, always
_his beloved, always
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Alien
I feel like an alien. I do not fit in with any type of social spere, I am 100% me and I don't find quite too many people I can be totally comfortable with. Which is really okay, but I just lament when people I did get along with very comfortably, become not so comfortable:( I feel like I am a different sort of person, fully committed to enjoying the beauty around me- intend at enjoying gods creatures but different from other people. I am not satisfied living some mundane life. I must go somewhere.. Accomplish something.. I am..I Feel alone.
I feel as if I cannot be satisfied going to the mall and worrying about the boy who checked so an so out. I think it's silly. I cannot be satisfied living a run of the mill life. I do not think I could ever life the life of one who partakes daily in any type of substance foreign
To the body. It just feels so mundane, so pointless. I like to
Have my mind free and clear so I can think and ponder, I sometimes wish I could live in a cloud of smoke and be okay but it's just not for me.
I like being me. I like the things that are important to me, the beauty I see, the different way I view the world.. But I sometimes wish I could succumb to ignorance and enjoy the bliss that comes with.. I wonder if Jesus ever felt so alone. I wonder if I just sound like an arrogant jerk. I do not like feeling out of my element, but again- I do not believe I was ever designed to lead a normal life, because even out of my element, I adapt. I relate. I learn, grow, change, morph into someone that survives.
I am not trying to be preposterous And admit to some level of super human amazingness, I just know that every situation ive been in, I have come out of stronger, wiser and ready to embrace the next challenge.
I am destined for great things.
That or I am one arrogant person very full of imagination - I haven't figured it out yet
His beloved
I feel as if I cannot be satisfied going to the mall and worrying about the boy who checked so an so out. I think it's silly. I cannot be satisfied living a run of the mill life. I do not think I could ever life the life of one who partakes daily in any type of substance foreign
To the body. It just feels so mundane, so pointless. I like to
Have my mind free and clear so I can think and ponder, I sometimes wish I could live in a cloud of smoke and be okay but it's just not for me.
I like being me. I like the things that are important to me, the beauty I see, the different way I view the world.. But I sometimes wish I could succumb to ignorance and enjoy the bliss that comes with.. I wonder if Jesus ever felt so alone. I wonder if I just sound like an arrogant jerk. I do not like feeling out of my element, but again- I do not believe I was ever designed to lead a normal life, because even out of my element, I adapt. I relate. I learn, grow, change, morph into someone that survives.
I am not trying to be preposterous And admit to some level of super human amazingness, I just know that every situation ive been in, I have come out of stronger, wiser and ready to embrace the next challenge.
I am destined for great things.
That or I am one arrogant person very full of imagination - I haven't figured it out yet
His beloved
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