Heaven is Real...?

I read this book, heaven is for real and it tells this awesome story about a boy who died during a procedure and visits heaven. For this apathetic, cynical soul, it was a breath of fresh air, surprisingly. I get so caught up in trying to be level headed and annoyingly realistic that I fear i shove all room for faith from my heart. The dreams I believe God has given me are still there, sometimes I have very real moments with God, but faith for me gets over analyzed and trashed by logical sequencing. This book though, even though I feel I should be critically analyzing, has breathed into my soul and awaken a part of me I didn't know had fallen asleep...

Faith like a child. Am I still his child? Pride and arrogance wraps its arms around me to shield me from the hurts of this world and I am missing the most important part. I really am talking to my creator when I pray. I really am hearing from Christ, the guy in the book of words that sear my soul. Christ, the guy who died so i could be a little punk christian who thinks she knows the world better than the dude who created it. Christ, who still loves me despite all that. Alive.

It is so hard for me to hold onto that concept these days. I don't know what made me so cynical and so hard, but I just am. I critique everything the Christians around me do, staying far enough apart that I cannot critique myself. Staying far enough away that I can do what I want and explain it away. Its funny how we Christians make the christian faith work for us, instead of submitting to it.

But all that aside, heaven is real. I knew that because despite my stubborn pigheadedness and rebellious analytical nature, I firmly believe the bible is law. It is truth and my life must a line to the truth inside such texts. The bible says its real, thus i believe it is real. But after reading this book, my heart finally accepted that it is real. Man, I don't even really care about the heaven part - I care about the meeting Jesus part. I look around me at my stuff, my goals and who I have in my life, and it doesn't mean anything. Nothing. Because if I died now, I would be with Christ. That fact is the song and desire of my heart. I want that so bad that I think i somehow just pushed it away. I want to look at him and touch him, feel him and sit on his lap and feel pure like a child. The child I know I am but try so hard to prove i'm not. God, I'm so annoying.

I prayed after readin this book, and i felt for the first time in a long time that I was really talking to Jesus. My faith grew wings and flew. I prayed for something knowing it would happen, I said no to sin because I had my head in the game. I had the right perspective for once. now if only I can hold onto that without crashing and burning. All the negative aside. This book has carved off a big chunk of realism inside me and brought something back to life - like only the holy spirit can do.

Thanks god for being my savior, man you know I need it.

- his beloved.

favor?

The Holy Spirit has been whispering one word to me for the past month. FAVOR. Its getting quite frustrating because I'm not certain why He continues to let me know I have favor in my life. I feel like who I am is blessed with a continual amount of favor. Who the heck am I that I would be so blessed. I am a clumsy fool, stumbling over even the smallest sinful blocks that would come my way. The thing I am left to wonder after deciding that I am blessed with a larger than normal level of favor in my life is why. For what purpose has God ordained that I should need favor to exceed his plans? I am a dandilion flolating on the wind right now. I know where I want to go, where I should go but have a reasonably difficult time getting there. I like my stumbling blocks - far more than I should. I feel as if the blessed favor is wasted on me. Being a missionary? There are better suited canidates. Why me? Favor? I am still pondering such things.

_his beloved, always

Alien

I feel like an alien. I do not fit in with any type of social spere, I am 100% me and I don't find quite too many people I can be totally comfortable with.  Which is really okay, but I just lament when people I did get along with very comfortably, become not so comfortable:( I feel like I am a different sort of person, fully committed to enjoying the beauty around me- intend at enjoying gods creatures but different from other people. I am not satisfied living some mundane life. I must go somewhere.. Accomplish something.. I am..I Feel alone. 

I feel as if I cannot be satisfied going to the mall and worrying about the boy who checked so an so out. I think it's silly. I cannot be satisfied living a run of the mill life.  I do not think I could ever life the life of one who partakes daily in any type of substance foreign
To the body. It just feels so mundane, so pointless. I like to
Have my mind free and clear so I can think and ponder, I sometimes wish I could live in a cloud of smoke and be okay but it's just not for me. 

I like being me. I like the things that are important to me, the beauty I see, the different way I view the world.. But I sometimes wish I could succumb to ignorance and enjoy the bliss that comes with.. I wonder if Jesus ever felt so alone. I wonder if I just sound like an arrogant jerk. I do not like feeling out of my element, but again- I do not believe I was ever designed to lead a normal life, because even out of my element, I adapt. I relate. I learn, grow, change, morph into someone that survives.   

I am not trying to be preposterous And admit to some level of super human amazingness, I just know that every situation ive been in, I have come out of stronger, wiser and ready to embrace the next challenge.
I am destined for great things.
That or I am one arrogant person very full of imagination - I haven't figured it out yet

His beloved  

My heart is sad within me. I don't know how to explain why. I only know that although I am very aware or change and have come to expect it, it hurts alot when it involves people you once knew and loved. I know people change. I know I have changed. I know life deals blows that can only change us, that one will be forever marred by. Death, heartbreak, loss, love. I also know that those around us can watch us change, even pointing out our new characteristics without us even seeing what they see. We walk along oblivious until one day we look around and ask how we got here? where did our old friends go? What's up with my new friends?? Who am I? Who do I wanna be? Why didnt I listen?

What sucks even more is being the friend left behind. Simply put, thats how I feel, but then I have to ask myself who I've left behind while I've been the one to change, marred by life. I like change. I expect it but it's these things that are least desired, completely unthought of and left to reappear like a rude slap kn the face. No one ever dreams about the realistic expectation of change- not all change is positive. Has mine been?? I know some who would say that it hasn't. I know some who would applaud my changes. Me? I daresay I enjoy the process of becoming me. That's important. No one else will be me exept me, so to the naysayers I would extend a preverbal finger- maybe that's a negative Aspect of my change- maybe not?

Regardless of the questions, I lament the loss of a friend because we lost our foundation when she pursued her change. It's sad. My heart cries. But I will morph into something stronger from it. I will change into someone stronger.

-his beloved

who the heck am i?

I am always amazed at the fact that God is good and he will never let me down. Always. It's like im waiting for him to prove me right. LIke i have this idea in my head that one day he actually will just let me down. Or I have this idea that because I am not living my life perfectly, i shouldn't recieve God's eternal blesssings. But he blows me away on that aspect too. I can't understand this guy. I think I do but thats a lie. I don't understand God. I don't understand unending love. Or Love without motive. I just cant grasp it. It's like trying to hold water. I can't!

it's frustrating. I have been given this awesome job, and it's like... I look around and wonder, how did I get here? I didn't expect my life to go like this but I like it. I like the way things are going. I just wanted to write my frusteration at not getting God though. But I suppose, what Kind of God would he be if I could figure him out all the way?

--his beloved.

And the first time that you opened your eyes, did you realize that you would be my savior?

I just got done reading this book by Francine Rivers, a Christian fiction author who writes really kick ass books that make girls like me feel great. haha. It's called Rahab.

Essentially, Rahab was a prostitute who lived in the wall of Jericho but was saved because of her faith and was in the lineage of Jesus Christ's ancestry. Wow. That God would use a woman who wasn't even an Israelite (the name of his chosen people) and lived in a pagan world is amazing to me. Alot of people I know focus on how the God of the old Testament doesn't sound like the God of the New Testament but I disagree.

God called a people to himself and blessed them beyond their wildest dreams. Even when adam and eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, God gave them clothing. When the Hebrews were saved from slavery out of Egypt, but were disobedient to his words, he still walked with them and fed them all they needed and provided for their every need. How beautiful. That is a loving God. I know that there were alot of wars and God commanded them to plunder and pillage the people they conquered and I dont quite understand all that yet, but I do know that he saved those who had faith in him. That is exactly like the God of the New Testament. Jesus. Wow. I love him.

There is a story about a man who lived in the forest. A huge wind storm came and he prepared his home for the oncoming storm. While sitting warm by the fire, the man heard a horrible squalking sound outside. Upon inspection, he discovered many little birds freezing in the snow. He went to the barn and got out fresh hay and warm heaters to keep the birds warm and tried everything in his power to lead them to the warmth. The birds however, were so scared of his big form that they would scatter everytime he came near. Finally the man in frustration exclaimed "If only I was a bird!" - That is why Jesus came. God is too big for us to understand. unfathomable, unending, big. And really, if we could unerstand him wouldn't that be a lame God? I think so. I like being amazed and in wonder of his awesome deeds. I like that he has control (for the most part) and I like that I can trust on his goodness. That he isn't a god of mean intentions. But a God of love. Love. That is why Jesus was born. To die. To save our lives.

I am distraught that I am so wishy washy. I am sad that I listen to myself instead of him. I wish I displayed the faith that Rahab, the prostitue showed. You know, when Joshua sent the spies to Jericho to see how things were, He recieved his plans from God before they got back? You know what that means? God sent them to find Rahab to make a way for her survival. Grace, Life. - how is that not loving? That he would save the one person who believed in him is merciful and great. This God, saved me. Loves me. Despite my many flaws. He holds me and walks hand in hand with me while i choose sin over life. This Jesus who gave his entire life to save mine. shame on me. I am humbled that he would still consider me his beloved. and it isnt as if im rolling in sin or nothing. I am just not holy, pure and seeking. until i pray to him and ask his forgiveness. Isn't that beautiful that God did EVERYTHING to make a way for us to be together? Beautiful. Thats what it is.. Everytime I look at the grand scheme of the bible, I see a plan of redemption happening the moment God told Adam and Eve where they went wrong. crushing the head of the serpent. He laid it out.

Jesus probably wasn't really born in december. He probably wasn't blond and blue eyes. He probably wasnt given the best room at the local hospital. In fact i know all that to be true but I wont get caught up in that. I will focus on the fact that Jesus was born, lived and died a holy and perfect life to be the atonement for my black and sin filled life. He has given me everything. and I am humbled to the point of tears that he loves so hard. Love of Jesus is the heaviest love I have ever felt. Merry Christmas to you and to me. The greatest gift I have ever recieved is the gift of love and life and all the things Jesus shoves into those catagories - grace, mercy, patience, perseverance, joy, peace, wisdom and all kinds of other things.

My heart bursts of praise for the Lord who set me free and walks with me through the lowest valleys, the darkest sin filled days and the highest streams of life. Jesus walks with me and he does it because he loves me .. so much.

BY his grace - and only his grace

I am and always will be

his beloved

Jackie

*************************************************

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might [ really ]live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

- relient k celebrate the day

Jezebel's Request

 

I was thinking about the woman at the well.  How she came to fetch water at mid day when the sun was hottest to avoid the other ladies.  How she was an adulterer and didn’t much seek to change her ways.  How she was with a man who was not her husband the very moment Jesus spoke to her.  How Jesus did indeed speak to her.  The fact that he called her out on her sins and had a conversation with the lowest of the low.  How he still offered her living water.

Jesus is my favorite person.  His love is amazing and I wish I could comprehend just how big his love is for me.  I think if I really got it, Like REALLY  comprehended the enormity of his sacrifice and love – I would run through the streets unashamed too.

I think of the woman saved from those casting stones.  She didn’t defend herself, she had resigned herself to her fate.  Jesus stepped in and saved her from the stones.  Jesus is the only one with the right to throw a stone and he had none to throw.  Jesus saved her and showed her the right way to go. 

I don’t know why but I have a very soft spot for these women in the bible.  These Jezebels.  These women who have nothing to offer according to those standards and yet Jesus looks them in the face and deems them necessary.  Jesus gives them worth and direction.  Jesus. I identify with these women.  I know what its like to stand against the stones.  with my pride the only saving grace lest I fall.  Not necessarily shunned for my promiscuity per se, but I get it. 

Jesus stands the line for me. He has always stood up for me.  I just allow my brokenness to speak louder than his healing.  Jesus is the most gentle love I have ever experienced.  a tender word like a gentle caress across the cheek.  His love like a warm fire after a cold winters day.  His face, the only one my soul longs to touch.  He offers me cold water that will never fade, that quenches the soul.  He draws the line and shows me the way. 

My brokenness always gets in the way of his freedom however.  I never feel “good” enough.  My heart wont trust the head, my head can’t make the heart believe. Something about Jesus makes me hold on.  His love probably.  One day I hope to love people like him. That’s all this Jezebel could ask for – that and to accept his love properly.  My brokenness always gets in the way.

 

By his grace

Jackie