In light of pain

The sound of the treadmill reverberated off my ears. 

Thump thump thump thump thump

The sweat dripped down my flushed red face but I was too tired to care anymore. Normally the sticky sweat bothered me enough to stop my work out.  Not this time. This time I was going to make it. Faster. Faster. Faster. 

Thump thump thump

I looked down at the timer - normally something I try not to do because it seems to steal my breath and energy.  One minute left. I upped the speed and flew but I watched the timer count down the numbers to zero because I wanted to stare my foe in the face. I wanted to stick my middle fingers so high and curse at the machine that had trained me and pushed me. I wanted this day to be a celebration! I had worked hard to be able to do it and today was the day. Fuck you treadmill. I thought  for today is the day, you get conquered.  I'd made it. 6 miles in one hour. That was the goal I made for myself and I had done it. 

I did it!

When I stepped off the treadmill, my legs continued to wobble and the sweat blinded and stung my eyes but nothing, nothing was able to ruin my high. My legs were sore and my hips hurt bad but I attributed it to the run. I did a simple stretch and with a smile on my face, walked out of the gym. I could do anything...   And then I could not. I didn't know it then, but I had badly damaged my hip while running.  I can no longer even walk long distances without it bothering me.  I can't use it anymore the way I'd like and that freedom to conquer the world went with it. 

Fast forward a year.  I'd been taking care of a woman who was miserable and bitter. I didn't much like her either and sort of resented her- through no fault of her own- because my friend had died and the old bitter woman was very quickly placed into the open room.  

She didn't want anyone to help her- she was bitter and mean and resigned to die.  I wasn't interested in arguing with her but helped her when she needed it (although in her mind, I'm sure she didn't need help).She had a tricky transfer process that was guaranteed by physical therapy which I innately just trusted.  This woman did not comply at the time of my transfer with her and immediately, I felt the pull, push and Pop in my lower back.  Damnit. Dammit dammit dammit. You know your body. I knew I'd messed something up. 

Not everyone can recall the moment in their life when something changed and allowed chronic pain to enter the picture. This is what I want to- need to get off my chest.. if only for the sake of my heart and heavy honesty I carry... Today was a bad day and writing is a relief to my soul when it wears heavy in my chest.

I can't remember a time when walking without pain was a reality. I can't remember being able to walk around my house without my shoes off. I can't remember a time when I didn't second guess plans because of my body. Pain. Chronic pain. It becomes you. 

Living with pain everyday is like hearing low static or electricity crackling in the background of your life. Sometimes it's so low you can barely hear it and other times it is so loud that it's all you can focus on. 

On the good days, I feel like I could reach out and grab my freedom again. I hopefully think maybe things are getting better. Maybe all my uttered curses in between prayers had finally paid off. Maybe I could be so lucky. But I stop the thoughts, too scared to think them in case they be true - surely, I could never be so lucky.  I stop the thoughts because I know they never could be true. 

In the midst of a bad day of pain, I find myself begging my body to work with me.  Tears stream down my face as I try to maneuver my back into some semblance of normal.  I cry and bend hoping it will help- for I have nothing left to try.  I fight to give into the pain - telling myself it's just a bad day but on the other side of my shoulder, I beg for the sweet release of death and nothingness. I claw and I cast my arms around me blindly looking for something ANYTHING to ease the fire running through my legs, wrapping around my hip sockets, trailing fire and electric current up my lower back. I beg and beg anyone listening in the universe to hear me and if not heal me to ease my distress. My silent cries the only thing I hear in return.Sometimes the pain is so bad I cease to function, not wanting to move, or hope, or cry.  

I feel mad and frustrated in a God who would knowingly let his child feel these things and turn his face from me. To know that I have prayed the same prayer in many forms and shades only to know it is a wasted breath.  To lose faith and pick it back up only because it is the only thing to hold onto if only to change the prayer to a pleading for an end.  It's enough to think to never plead again, because surely if God was going to take away my pain, he'd have done it by now. This is my burden and mine alone. 

The tears well in my eyes and I am frustrated that my pain causes them more often than not. I am frustrated and so woebegone in the middle of these pain bursts that I can't see an end. I live directly in the hot electric intensity that lives in my body. It haunts me, taunts me, scares me and makes me feel alone. I second guess my life and my job, my goals and my future. Bad days of pain have the ability to strip me of my strength until I am left feeling the harsh, bitter taste of reality.  I despair. 

It isn't something to go around talking about either. Pain is relative to the person who is feeling it so of course while people can sympathize- what course will change by talking about it to someone who could do nothing? And so my pain and I- we learn to walk hand in hand - stretching the boundaries of what I can overcome and how I can feel. 

On a good day though- when the buzzing is slight- I feel as though I could jump on clouds. I find myself running down the stairs, jumping over the last one and landing on the bottom just because it makes me smile. I find myself reaching a little higher and grabbing my freedom back. On the good days, I never cry or worry about what my plans will make. I live for the good days and most of the time, if I do everything right, I have more good days than bad.  The good days teach me to live full because I never know when the pain will come creeping back or what form and intensity it will appear.  

I have often felt judgement towards others to their standards of pain.  I have often wondered why they would give up and just take the pills and create a sedentary life half lived.  However, as I find myself grasping for those things on my bad days- I also find myself becoming excessively sympathetic to those who do because I have only fought my fight for a few years and my pain comes and goes in intensity.  To be stuck in my body while racked with pain everywhere, would be hell.  I understand their hell a little bit better and I am so so sorry I was so callous and so so sorry they have to feel their pain. 

I am sharing these sensitive things not because I want your sympathy. If I'd wanted that you would have known about it already.  No, no, I am just reminded through my experience that I will never know what kind of battle others are facing.  You will never know how my pain challenges me.  I will never understand the depth of yours - but God knows, I will try..   For now though, I will make it through the day with a small amount of tears shed, half a pain pill at the end of the day and the ease of soul that writing gives me.  

--Beloved. 

To have an abundant life or a thousand mile stare

I found myself, a couple weeks ago, sitting next to a woman with the saddest eyes and the longest stare.  She led a life full of the drink and it had clearly consumed her. She was volatile, moody and sad all at the same time. When I looked into her eyes, I saw a life that was dark and dreary.  I saw pain, the heaviness from a thousand scars, and hopelessness.  

As I sat with her, I asked her about the things she loved: flowers from her garden, her two dogs, a good day.  When she spoke of these things, her eyes lit up as if to restart her soul but the flame drew dim just as quickly as it flared up.  I spoke gently to her, rubbing her back, holding her hand. Trying desperately to speak life into her heart.  That thousand mile stare broke me. I just kept thinking why would anyone want to live that way? And then that still small voice spoke to me. 

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.

I struggle to understand the way of the bible and Jesus' teachings.  I struggle to understand why we should follow all these rules and live a specific way but maybe it's literally as simple as John 10:10 puts it.  God tells us not to do certain things because he wants sometime different for us.  Us with all our scars and baggage. Us who fall prey to the easy answers. Us who in our ignorance are so cleverly deceived by emptiness wrapped in a bow. Man, what if god is just trying to give us a life we don't even know we could have? 

One of my theology professors from college told me that sometimes people choose a hotdog because they have never experienced the beauty of a steak.  We choose the hot dog because it is sufficient and sometimes great but a steak is a beautiful thing. When you have experienced a steak why would you want to go back to the hot dog?  Well, it's because we know and understand the hot dog. 

I believe God wants more for his people. If he really is a God of love, then his actions must be out of love.  God is constantly referencing how he will care for his people (clothing them like the flowers of the field, any good father wouldn't give his children a snake instead of a gift, the entire life of Joseph, etc etc).  

I believe that the richness that comes from following God is something I could have.  I used to have.  I have become so blinded by all the answers I don't know about this faith that I have lost sight of the things I do know.  God desires his people. But he doesn't just want a bunch of drones, he gave us the choice to love him.  He gave us the choice to choose him.  He gave us the choice to choose which life we could have.  

Do I want to continue trying to be a good person for the sake of it? Do I want a life that can be full in a way I still do not understand or do I want that thousand mile stare? Proverbially, we all have areas in our hearts where we stare.  If I could just let it go and let God in and allow him to trim my dead branches- what kind of life would I have? What kind of stare do you have? 

Our lives could be full and abundant, beautiful and loving. And even if those things are already there- what if they could be more genuine, real, and honest- what if by having all these things, we can disrupt those thousand mile stares In the people around us and share life? There is something bigger here. Bigger than us. I want to share love with everyone. I always wanted to be enough for everyone.  But I think what my heart desires is to experience the love of God, and then Share it. 

Our lives are bigger than we think, we are all connected and we can all affect change. I genuinely believe this.  And again, I know we can do this without a religion or a god to give us this awesome life or whatever, I am just arguing that perhaps God has a different way and perhaps his way is more effective. 

--his beloved 

When I opened my eyes, the scales fell off

I've spent a great deal of my time being angry at the church. Not the church per se but the people in it. I've spent nights just contemplating, deciding I didn't want to be a part of the things those Christians did.   I didn't want to judge people the way I felt judged and I covered my face in shame when I saw yet another Christian speaking on their authority about what God thinks and why that justifies hate. 

When I first became a Christian, I felt so happy to be a part of this family, this clique. I learned what my fellow youth group learned and I prayed how my youth pastor prayed.  I sang louder and felt my sins harder, I tried to be the best new convert you could see. I was being molded into the truest Christian, and I allowed myself to be so because these people were my authority. I didn't know any other Christians.  I figured to be like them was to be a Christian.   

But slowly, little warnings sprang up.  I didn't align my thoughts to theirs on a few things, didn't sing as loud as I could and challenged the questions.  I mean don't misunderstand- I loved Jesus more than anything. I truly had dedicated my heart to his message. I believed in him.  And then all those misalignments just built up and broke down. 

I had put my trust in people.  I looked to the Christians in my life to figure out how to act, feel, think.   While I engaged the bible, I still didn't really know how to even form my own opinion about it at the time. 

So when I stepped away from Christianity - I took my misaligned ideals and turned them into all the things I didn't want to be- jaded, judgmental, critical and unforgiving- and spewed my newly shaped ideals in every Christian's face.  I was respectful to all my "brothers and sisters in Christ" but inside i wasn't. I also just harbored this internal shame at being labeled one of "those" people. 

It wasn't until today that I realize that the reason I felt all those nasty things about Christians and all people who love God is because I felt let down.  I put these people up on some sort of pedestal when I should have been looking to God.  Those people were just people. Broken, broken people and not all Christians act like them. I am also sorry to say, I acted just like that as well, but I directed this brokenness towards Christians in particular. 

I have met some amazingly genuine people who love Jesus.  Some from the beginning, some though my journey.  Just really great people who act so much like Jesus, its beautiful. I cannot base my opinions on the backs of those first experiences with young broken individuals. And just like that, the realization is all I needed to change the color of lenses in my heart. This realization helped me be no longer jaded at the church, or full of shame at the word Christian.  I am just ready to start my journey back again. But this time, my basis will come from the bible. My ideals will come from my own heart and dreams and my prayers will be quiet and genuine.  

Maybe the people we put in a high place in our hearts fail us because that isn't the position they should be in anyways.  Maybe it's supposed to be God's spot? Maybe I have let people down too.  Maybe the people I looked up to weren't the best role models. Maybe they just sucked as people? If that's the case I'm glad that I'm far away from that "cliquey" feeling and those ideals. I just don't want to be the stereotype, Ya know? I don't want to follow something blindly and then look up when it fails me because I didn't make an educated decision. I don't want to be just another Christian doing everything the same way. I want to learn how to love the way the bible says God loves and I just want to try and focus on that. I think we should all strive for such things. 

I'm not the best at love and I feel like I need to learn it better but it'll take time. However, I won't learn how to give the love of Christ if I'm trying to emulate people around me.  I have to emulate Christ, right?  I have to love unconditionally and selflessly. Kind of like Jesus when he sacrificed himself for love. He Never changes his mind about whether he loves you, never talks crap behind your back, never treats you like a fair weather friend and gossips about what new sketchy thing you're doing.  But people do that, and Christians do that, and I've done that. 

An apology would even be appropriate. To those I let down, to those I harbored ill feelings for, to those I judged, to those who needed love and I refused it. What a shit head I can be.  I am truely sorry and hope to treat those from now in love. 

I think I've found some peace.  I want to walk into a church and celebrate that we are redeemed the same, and all struggle to "carry the cross" the same.  If I can learn to  walk in love- honoring my own convictions and just doing me like I feel I should do- I bet and I hope I can change lives if only for the smallest bit.  I want love to harbor in my heart- there is no more room for jaded bitterness. 

- his beloved 

tangible love pt 2

Growing up, I have vivid memories of bad things happening.  I have memories of people hurting me and leaving me to self-destruct. I have memories of myself hurting me, wanting to be brave enough to self-destruct.  When I was 17, I started a journey as a Christian.  I started really strong but I always got caught up in that whole trust portion.  In my experiences, trust was a bad word.  Trust did nothing but open and expose you to some potential pain.  Its been 12 years since I began that journey and I have spent a many number of years contemplating Jesus and his character.  I have heard the story of Jesus over and over.  I have read the bible more times than I can count.  I went to bible school, I went on missions trips – I did the thing.  What I took from all that time in the beginning is that while you struggle with things, you can only tell a few people that you really trust because the rest won’t understand why you wouldn’t conform.  I have talked to liberal Christians, and die hard old school Christians and you know where I see Jesus the most? I see Jesus in missionaries.  I see Jesus in people like my husband.  I see Jesus in some genuine Christians.  I see Jesus in people who don’t have anything to offer except their love. 

Missionaries are taught to contextualize.  It’s like the foundation to cross communication.  I can’t tell you what a spoon is if you haven’t seen it, but I can compare it to whatever the heck that thing you use like a spoon is.  Missionaries are taught to live amongst the people they work with and give like Jesus.  Missionaries HAVE to be close to Jesus because their entire job is to emulate him.   They have more patience, understanding, and love than most people I have met and I think this is because they aren’t there to make you become an American – they are literally there because they have a love for the people they live with.  They are literally there to serve people, live amongst people and love. Missionaries allow the Holy Spirit to change lives through them.  I have never met a missionary who has judged me for a thought, action or speech.  This acceptance is full of love.  It inevitably tells me that you accept me right now, how I am.  Tangible love rule #1 – accept people where they are, exactly how they are and know they deserve love.

My husband, in the wake of a recent loss in his life has made it a point to try and be a better person to others around him, however they need it.  In this change of his, I have watched him take care of our neighbors, bring his mother groceries when she didn’t have any, buy dinner for a local youth hangout to help support Fairbanks youth every week, and love me.  His love for me is what I want to focus on.  I have watched my husband get up when he is tired and make me dinner when I come home from work.  I have seen him choose me over himself in more times a day than I can keep track of.  Bring me flowers at work “just because”,   I have seen my husband visibly irritated with something I have done and choose patience instead of something more negative.  I have seen his heart when it comes to investing in people and making new friends.  All these things are tangible acts of love that I have been inspired to do for other people in my life.  His love for me and others has inspired me to love those better in my life.  Tangible love rule #2 – Loving other people consistently will inspire and change the world.  Love changes people.

The church I kind of go to has pastors that are genuine people.  They care, they call, they are available, selfless and uplifting.  They are smart and honest, devoted and driven.  They are kick ass people who love Jesus and spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what they can do for my community all the time.  The Jesus that I see in their hearts is what gives me hope, helps heal my heart from bad church experiences and keeps me going to church to find Jesus. Tangible love #3 – Love is a genuine thing, people know when you are full of bullshit.  Learn to love people genuinely and they’ll stick around.

Sometimes we get caught up in what we have, or how much we have.  Love is free.  I once had a conversation with a man from Sri Lanka and he asked me about having children.  I told him I wanted to wait to have enough money to have a kid to which he responded that if I end up having a kid before my plans, to remember that love is more important than money and will lead to a rich life.  Poor people know what its like to be poor and a lot of times offer what they can because its what they can give.  When I was in Egypt, I visited a family.  It is customary to offer drinks when guests visit you there and this family went out and borrowed money to get us drinks.  It was so humbling.  People show love when they have nothing else to give.  Tangible love rule #4 – Genuine love although tough to give is sometimes more appreciated than gifts or other things

I implore you to try loving someone tangibly for a week.  Not only does it make you happier but you change lives.  Love is just so powerful and beautiful. It takes a lot of hard work to love someone selflessly but it’s so worth it.

Tangible love pt. 1

There are five times in my life that people have shown me the power of tangible love.  First, when I was interning in Egypt, my mother made it a point to call me every week to make sure I was okay.  She let me talk about myself and all my adventures with no thought of her own.  She racked up an 800$ phone bill just to let me know that she was supporting me from far away.  I never felt homesick because her presence gave me the strength to live overseas without feeling like I was there alone.  She changed my definition of tangible love despite distance that summer.

In the midst of a really tragic breakup for me, a friend of mine took numerous hours of her life to spend time with me, walking, eating, trying coffee, going to seattle and just plain being around more often because I was alone and lonely.  She listened to me whine about my sadness, she was happy with me when I was - she was supportive when I didn't know what to do.  She offered herself in a way so very consistently that it wasn't just ONE time - it was like the whole semester.  She taught me how to treat people who live in a state of sorrow.  She showed me Jesus by getting me outside myself and keeping me distracted. 

In 2012, My husband and I suffered probably the worst thing in each of our lives and lost the child we hoped and planned for.  It was such a dark time in our lives.  The night we found out, I drank a half a bottle of vodka and wept huge crocodile tears over the broken, desolate feeling in my heart.  My friend came over without any hesitation and held me for what seemed like forever and allowed me to cry on her without any word.  She held me up when I couldn’t stand.  She gave me her strength when I had nothing but the loss of my baby.  She changed my definition of a friend in that moment.

More recently, I was at a wedding that everyone I knew was at except my husband.  For reasons of his own, he was unable to attend.  While I was surrounded by my family, I wanted him there with me as my partner. I felt horribly alone and my sister in law spent probably 75% of the wedding with me.  Talking to me, encouraging me, bonding with me, and loving me.  She changed my definition of what it means to love a sister and friend that day. 

My husband has shown me a fifth time in my life where I have experienced tangible love and has changed my definition of a lover in a marriage.  I was having a horrible time reconciling my views of humanity and the reality of those around me.  I was feeling very hopeless towards people and my hopelessness turned into an ugly monologue of hate.  I spewed this hate for the evening and he stood by and listened.  He comforted me and tried to reassure me in my sorrow.  The next morning, I woke feeling pretty silly at how my thoughts had turned and I worried that the things I said would break something in our marriage.  While he acknowledged that I was indeed spewing venom, nothing changed.  He loved me anyways.  He has changed my definition of genuine love and acceptance.

I want to talk about love.  I want to talk about people.  I want to talk about Jesus.

I have struggled and struggled to find Jesus in this world.  I spend a lot of time thinking about him and how he works and what he is all about.  I have struggled for my entire life to see love – REAL tangible love which is the kind of love I believe Jesus was all about.  I find humanity to be mostly broken and I desire to love tangibly like Jesus, I just didn’t really know how. The things my examples have in common however all carry a theme.  I was open to accepting love and they were selfless enough to give how I needed, not how they needed.   

Love, although abundant in my life, usually seemed to carry a price.  I’m not talking about birthday cards from my grandparents, or calls from my siblings -  I mean – LOVE that is given despite not being worthy of having.  I would also counter with the idea that a lot of the time I did not feel worthy of having love.  There are countless scars and many dusty bags in my life that I have yet to heal around and unpack.  I do not generally open myself to the love people would give.  I have known love to come at a price and I simply do not have time to pay.  However, as I have been thinking about love and how to treat other people with love, I have learned that true love does always come with a price, just not the one I thought.  True and tangible love comes with sacrifice, patience, consistency and sometimes is unpleasant to the person giving the love.  A lot of the time, loving someone means to put yourself aside and do for them instead of you.  It is a selfless move of sacrifice.  True love is the epitome of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins.  Now, if you do not know the story – essentially, Jesus, who is God, became a man and came with a message of love.  He then died for this message.  And even if you are not religious and do not believe the Christian bible, what Jesus did for the sake of love is inspiring and amazing.  He literally died for the people who cursed him and hated him.  He gave something up for the ultimate act of love. 

People, are broken and messy.  More often than not, they will hurt you or let you down in some form and I have learned from the people I have opened up to that I can love people tangibly.   This is my life goal.  I want to spend the rest of my life learning how to love my friends genuinely and honestly in a way that my love can impact them in a way others have impacted me.  I want to learn how to love my husband the way he loves me.  I want to learn to accept people where they are in love instead of making them change before I find them worthy of my “love.”  I want something real and I want to give this to other people.  Love changes people for the better and it might mean that I will be hurt from time to time in my crusade for love but the bible tells us to guard our hearts (the next blog I’ll be writing) and teaches how to keep that heart safe.  It is such a strong and fragile thing. The next time someone offends, or hurts, reach out and offer a hand.  Choose to react in love instead of understandable response and I promise you will be surprised. The next time you begin to fight with your loved one, ask yourself if it will matter tomorrow if they died.  I am trying to make this thought process a habit for myself. I encourage you to try this as well.

I am at peace with the universe

A couple of years ago I found myself sitting in the office of a mentor of mine trying to explain the sorrow I felt in my heart.  I was having a hard time with a resident that had been admitted to the long term care facility that I worked at.  I related to this resident in a way I couldn't understand. Maybe it was their their story, how they reminded me of certain things, the fact that I didn't believe the world would deal such a hand to them.  I write cryptically because I still operate under HIPPA laws but this particular residents story made my heart break.  I didn't think that such a story should happen.  Happy endings should belong to good people.  This was no such story. 

As I sat in my mentor's office, she empathically looked in my eyes and told me a personal story about a tragedy that struck her in her late twenties.  She told me how she didn't know how to deal with the fact that it happened.  Good things should happen to good people and by every right, she was a good person.  However, something bad did happen to her and she explained how it took her awhile before she finally made sense of it.  She explained to me that she finally got to a place where she was okay with the fact that she had no control over the universe and what was would be.  I balked at the idea.  No. I could control what happened in my life.  I had control.  Bad things should never happen to good people. They just shouldn't. It was far too illogical to me.  The unbalance did not make sense to me. 

"You have to find some way to be at peace with the fact that you cannot control the universe" she told me. My eyes threatened to spill the tears I struggled to hold back as I left her office trying to understand.  

This desire to control the destiny of my life has driven me.  I have pushed faster, stressed longer and planned harder as I tried to direct the way I would go.  I think sometimes I drove my life in circles just trying to go forward.  I have lost many nights of sleep worrying about the future, desiring relationships that would never be the way I wanted and bullying myself to squish into a mold I imagined for myself.  And then one day, I exploded. 

I have spent a long time reaching out to people that I wanted to reach back to me. Friends and family being the biggest but also God. My family has always been wonderful but we live so far from each other that I missed them terribly.  I grew lonely missing them while I spent my Christmas apart, family dinners apart, everything - always apart.  I felt out of sight, out of mind.  I worked too hard, we didn't take the time to call like we could and I found myself hungering for their attention and love.  

I chased after friendships that were fun and exciting but ended up in dead end streets, unfulfilling and never a two way street.  I chased the excitement, the emotion, the fun.  I wanted to be in the middle of it all.  A lot of those friendships were dust waiting to blow away but I held tight, just knowing I could try harder at being the friend they wanted and then inevitably what I wanted.  

I chased the idea of a God who gave me everything I wanted.  I threw temper tantrums when things wouldn't go my way. I blamed him and denounced my love for him. I grew angry when God wouldn't "hear" me. I wanted control. 

All these hungers and disappointments added and built until

I found myself feeling extremely alone. I didn't even realize I had all these expectations for myself and the people in my life.  I remember thinking how hollow it was, how shallow my idea of control and how futile it was. Finally, in the split of a second, I understood.  I am literally a dust speck in this world. Lost to the billions of people cohabiting with me. God didn't owe me anything.  My life was blessed, I didn't deserve any of it.  Finally, out of my disappointment grew my understanding.  

Yeah, I wish I had both my parents around the way I envisioned.  Of course I wish I wasn't working so much and could focus more on the friendships I had.  Yes, I wish I understood who God was better.  But I couldn't control if my family called or not.  I couldn't and wouldn't beg to build relationships with people I wanted to be good friends with and I also could never control God or the universe or even what other people did to create tragedies in our lives.  I had come to the understanding that I have very little control if at all.  

I cannot control who wants to be a part of my life, and how much but I can control how I feel about it.  I am worth knowing. I know that sounds conceited but I know I have value, worth and can bring a lot to the table. I know that I will work hard to be the best friend I can be and continue to work on balancing my life to be the best me possible and I have found peace in that.  I have found peace in being okay with not controlling the universe.  If I reach out to someone and they do not reach back, it's okay because I won't think it's because I am not good enough any more.  What will be will be and that includes how people interact in my life.  I have learned to just acckept people for who they are, in the good and bad.  I have readied my heart for whatever life could and most likely would throw my way knowing I cannot wait in fear to brace it but to live every day as it comes.  If happiness comes, to soak it all up- and if grief comes, to handle it when it shows up.  To live every day, every breath just alive and thankful. I am trying to live in this knowledge. I have found such joy-- I have found peace and for the first time in a long time, have found myself walking forwards instead of in circles. 

-beloved

Don't judge, im not there yet

It is really easy to judge someone’s life.  It is easy to judge someone’s actions – especially if you are not inside and cannot understand why they do specific things.  It is SO easy to assume that because you have lived, they must follow the same set of rules you do.  I have been immensely humbled over the past couple days by this realization.  

For myself, when things go wrong – I hide away.  I separate myself from other people and spend time just processing.   I didn’t always used to be like that.  Things rolled off my back fairly easily.  However, now I tend to overthink and process what I can from the situation.  This has either come from becoming older or for the sake of this post, is probably from the myriad of things I have experienced since those days of rolling off the back.  You see, I don’t actually think things rolled off my back, I think I ignored them and now I process and move on.   

The point I am trying to make is that those people who do things differently than  you, do it because they have been through their own set of circumstances.  Some, I can understand and evaluate with accurate clarity and others, I couldn’t fathom if I tried.  I responded to circumstances differently a few years ago and It would be important to note that perhaps when you see that person you are judging so veheminitly, you have met them at a time in their lives where they don’t really know what they are doing.   Like, REALLY understand what they are doing.  Perhaps, you have met someone acting illogical and silly and maybe they are still processing.  Maybe they are sorting through their baggage at the time.  Maybe, they’ve given up and don’t know it yet.  Perhaps, they just haven’t found their strength.  

Next time you come across someone who is acting outside the normal parameters of decent social custom, possibly remember that we are all at different stages in our life.  The best self we can be is not something that we achieve lightly.   Being the person we desire comes from a burning process if I may.  We walk through our experiences the best we can.  After all, there is no life manual.  Learn to forgive.  Learn to let hurt go.   Learn to give grace even if you think it is not rightfully deserved.  Learn to see past the mistakes and see the person.  Learn to listen past the angry and hear the hurt.  Learn to be patient when that person you dislike comes around.  Learn to look past the façade.  Can we learn to appreciate baggage?  Baggage is obviously unnecessary but the reality is that we are products of our surroundings, upbringing, parental style, desires, etc etc etc.. we see the world through the lenses we established while we walked through our childhood, our fights, our sorrows.  We are forever changed by this world and it is a continuous process.  We are on this journey together and we meet at different times in our lives.   Lets not waste the experience and take the best we can from it.  

--his beloved.