I am at peace with the universe

A couple of years ago I found myself sitting in the office of a mentor of mine trying to explain the sorrow I felt in my heart.  I was having a hard time with a resident that had been admitted to the long term care facility that I worked at.  I related to this resident in a way I couldn't understand. Maybe it was their their story, how they reminded me of certain things, the fact that I didn't believe the world would deal such a hand to them.  I write cryptically because I still operate under HIPPA laws but this particular residents story made my heart break.  I didn't think that such a story should happen.  Happy endings should belong to good people.  This was no such story. 

As I sat in my mentor's office, she empathically looked in my eyes and told me a personal story about a tragedy that struck her in her late twenties.  She told me how she didn't know how to deal with the fact that it happened.  Good things should happen to good people and by every right, she was a good person.  However, something bad did happen to her and she explained how it took her awhile before she finally made sense of it.  She explained to me that she finally got to a place where she was okay with the fact that she had no control over the universe and what was would be.  I balked at the idea.  No. I could control what happened in my life.  I had control.  Bad things should never happen to good people. They just shouldn't. It was far too illogical to me.  The unbalance did not make sense to me. 

"You have to find some way to be at peace with the fact that you cannot control the universe" she told me. My eyes threatened to spill the tears I struggled to hold back as I left her office trying to understand.  

This desire to control the destiny of my life has driven me.  I have pushed faster, stressed longer and planned harder as I tried to direct the way I would go.  I think sometimes I drove my life in circles just trying to go forward.  I have lost many nights of sleep worrying about the future, desiring relationships that would never be the way I wanted and bullying myself to squish into a mold I imagined for myself.  And then one day, I exploded. 

I have spent a long time reaching out to people that I wanted to reach back to me. Friends and family being the biggest but also God. My family has always been wonderful but we live so far from each other that I missed them terribly.  I grew lonely missing them while I spent my Christmas apart, family dinners apart, everything - always apart.  I felt out of sight, out of mind.  I worked too hard, we didn't take the time to call like we could and I found myself hungering for their attention and love.  

I chased after friendships that were fun and exciting but ended up in dead end streets, unfulfilling and never a two way street.  I chased the excitement, the emotion, the fun.  I wanted to be in the middle of it all.  A lot of those friendships were dust waiting to blow away but I held tight, just knowing I could try harder at being the friend they wanted and then inevitably what I wanted.  

I chased the idea of a God who gave me everything I wanted.  I threw temper tantrums when things wouldn't go my way. I blamed him and denounced my love for him. I grew angry when God wouldn't "hear" me. I wanted control. 

All these hungers and disappointments added and built until

I found myself feeling extremely alone. I didn't even realize I had all these expectations for myself and the people in my life.  I remember thinking how hollow it was, how shallow my idea of control and how futile it was. Finally, in the split of a second, I understood.  I am literally a dust speck in this world. Lost to the billions of people cohabiting with me. God didn't owe me anything.  My life was blessed, I didn't deserve any of it.  Finally, out of my disappointment grew my understanding.  

Yeah, I wish I had both my parents around the way I envisioned.  Of course I wish I wasn't working so much and could focus more on the friendships I had.  Yes, I wish I understood who God was better.  But I couldn't control if my family called or not.  I couldn't and wouldn't beg to build relationships with people I wanted to be good friends with and I also could never control God or the universe or even what other people did to create tragedies in our lives.  I had come to the understanding that I have very little control if at all.  

I cannot control who wants to be a part of my life, and how much but I can control how I feel about it.  I am worth knowing. I know that sounds conceited but I know I have value, worth and can bring a lot to the table. I know that I will work hard to be the best friend I can be and continue to work on balancing my life to be the best me possible and I have found peace in that.  I have found peace in being okay with not controlling the universe.  If I reach out to someone and they do not reach back, it's okay because I won't think it's because I am not good enough any more.  What will be will be and that includes how people interact in my life.  I have learned to just acckept people for who they are, in the good and bad.  I have readied my heart for whatever life could and most likely would throw my way knowing I cannot wait in fear to brace it but to live every day as it comes.  If happiness comes, to soak it all up- and if grief comes, to handle it when it shows up.  To live every day, every breath just alive and thankful. I am trying to live in this knowledge. I have found such joy-- I have found peace and for the first time in a long time, have found myself walking forwards instead of in circles. 

-beloved