When I opened my eyes, the scales fell off

I've spent a great deal of my time being angry at the church. Not the church per se but the people in it. I've spent nights just contemplating, deciding I didn't want to be a part of the things those Christians did.   I didn't want to judge people the way I felt judged and I covered my face in shame when I saw yet another Christian speaking on their authority about what God thinks and why that justifies hate. 

When I first became a Christian, I felt so happy to be a part of this family, this clique. I learned what my fellow youth group learned and I prayed how my youth pastor prayed.  I sang louder and felt my sins harder, I tried to be the best new convert you could see. I was being molded into the truest Christian, and I allowed myself to be so because these people were my authority. I didn't know any other Christians.  I figured to be like them was to be a Christian.   

But slowly, little warnings sprang up.  I didn't align my thoughts to theirs on a few things, didn't sing as loud as I could and challenged the questions.  I mean don't misunderstand- I loved Jesus more than anything. I truly had dedicated my heart to his message. I believed in him.  And then all those misalignments just built up and broke down. 

I had put my trust in people.  I looked to the Christians in my life to figure out how to act, feel, think.   While I engaged the bible, I still didn't really know how to even form my own opinion about it at the time. 

So when I stepped away from Christianity - I took my misaligned ideals and turned them into all the things I didn't want to be- jaded, judgmental, critical and unforgiving- and spewed my newly shaped ideals in every Christian's face.  I was respectful to all my "brothers and sisters in Christ" but inside i wasn't. I also just harbored this internal shame at being labeled one of "those" people. 

It wasn't until today that I realize that the reason I felt all those nasty things about Christians and all people who love God is because I felt let down.  I put these people up on some sort of pedestal when I should have been looking to God.  Those people were just people. Broken, broken people and not all Christians act like them. I am also sorry to say, I acted just like that as well, but I directed this brokenness towards Christians in particular. 

I have met some amazingly genuine people who love Jesus.  Some from the beginning, some though my journey.  Just really great people who act so much like Jesus, its beautiful. I cannot base my opinions on the backs of those first experiences with young broken individuals. And just like that, the realization is all I needed to change the color of lenses in my heart. This realization helped me be no longer jaded at the church, or full of shame at the word Christian.  I am just ready to start my journey back again. But this time, my basis will come from the bible. My ideals will come from my own heart and dreams and my prayers will be quiet and genuine.  

Maybe the people we put in a high place in our hearts fail us because that isn't the position they should be in anyways.  Maybe it's supposed to be God's spot? Maybe I have let people down too.  Maybe the people I looked up to weren't the best role models. Maybe they just sucked as people? If that's the case I'm glad that I'm far away from that "cliquey" feeling and those ideals. I just don't want to be the stereotype, Ya know? I don't want to follow something blindly and then look up when it fails me because I didn't make an educated decision. I don't want to be just another Christian doing everything the same way. I want to learn how to love the way the bible says God loves and I just want to try and focus on that. I think we should all strive for such things. 

I'm not the best at love and I feel like I need to learn it better but it'll take time. However, I won't learn how to give the love of Christ if I'm trying to emulate people around me.  I have to emulate Christ, right?  I have to love unconditionally and selflessly. Kind of like Jesus when he sacrificed himself for love. He Never changes his mind about whether he loves you, never talks crap behind your back, never treats you like a fair weather friend and gossips about what new sketchy thing you're doing.  But people do that, and Christians do that, and I've done that. 

An apology would even be appropriate. To those I let down, to those I harbored ill feelings for, to those I judged, to those who needed love and I refused it. What a shit head I can be.  I am truely sorry and hope to treat those from now in love. 

I think I've found some peace.  I want to walk into a church and celebrate that we are redeemed the same, and all struggle to "carry the cross" the same.  If I can learn to  walk in love- honoring my own convictions and just doing me like I feel I should do- I bet and I hope I can change lives if only for the smallest bit.  I want love to harbor in my heart- there is no more room for jaded bitterness. 

- his beloved