tangible love pt 2

Growing up, I have vivid memories of bad things happening.  I have memories of people hurting me and leaving me to self-destruct. I have memories of myself hurting me, wanting to be brave enough to self-destruct.  When I was 17, I started a journey as a Christian.  I started really strong but I always got caught up in that whole trust portion.  In my experiences, trust was a bad word.  Trust did nothing but open and expose you to some potential pain.  Its been 12 years since I began that journey and I have spent a many number of years contemplating Jesus and his character.  I have heard the story of Jesus over and over.  I have read the bible more times than I can count.  I went to bible school, I went on missions trips – I did the thing.  What I took from all that time in the beginning is that while you struggle with things, you can only tell a few people that you really trust because the rest won’t understand why you wouldn’t conform.  I have talked to liberal Christians, and die hard old school Christians and you know where I see Jesus the most? I see Jesus in missionaries.  I see Jesus in people like my husband.  I see Jesus in some genuine Christians.  I see Jesus in people who don’t have anything to offer except their love. 

Missionaries are taught to contextualize.  It’s like the foundation to cross communication.  I can’t tell you what a spoon is if you haven’t seen it, but I can compare it to whatever the heck that thing you use like a spoon is.  Missionaries are taught to live amongst the people they work with and give like Jesus.  Missionaries HAVE to be close to Jesus because their entire job is to emulate him.   They have more patience, understanding, and love than most people I have met and I think this is because they aren’t there to make you become an American – they are literally there because they have a love for the people they live with.  They are literally there to serve people, live amongst people and love. Missionaries allow the Holy Spirit to change lives through them.  I have never met a missionary who has judged me for a thought, action or speech.  This acceptance is full of love.  It inevitably tells me that you accept me right now, how I am.  Tangible love rule #1 – accept people where they are, exactly how they are and know they deserve love.

My husband, in the wake of a recent loss in his life has made it a point to try and be a better person to others around him, however they need it.  In this change of his, I have watched him take care of our neighbors, bring his mother groceries when she didn’t have any, buy dinner for a local youth hangout to help support Fairbanks youth every week, and love me.  His love for me is what I want to focus on.  I have watched my husband get up when he is tired and make me dinner when I come home from work.  I have seen him choose me over himself in more times a day than I can keep track of.  Bring me flowers at work “just because”,   I have seen my husband visibly irritated with something I have done and choose patience instead of something more negative.  I have seen his heart when it comes to investing in people and making new friends.  All these things are tangible acts of love that I have been inspired to do for other people in my life.  His love for me and others has inspired me to love those better in my life.  Tangible love rule #2 – Loving other people consistently will inspire and change the world.  Love changes people.

The church I kind of go to has pastors that are genuine people.  They care, they call, they are available, selfless and uplifting.  They are smart and honest, devoted and driven.  They are kick ass people who love Jesus and spend a great deal of time trying to figure out what they can do for my community all the time.  The Jesus that I see in their hearts is what gives me hope, helps heal my heart from bad church experiences and keeps me going to church to find Jesus. Tangible love #3 – Love is a genuine thing, people know when you are full of bullshit.  Learn to love people genuinely and they’ll stick around.

Sometimes we get caught up in what we have, or how much we have.  Love is free.  I once had a conversation with a man from Sri Lanka and he asked me about having children.  I told him I wanted to wait to have enough money to have a kid to which he responded that if I end up having a kid before my plans, to remember that love is more important than money and will lead to a rich life.  Poor people know what its like to be poor and a lot of times offer what they can because its what they can give.  When I was in Egypt, I visited a family.  It is customary to offer drinks when guests visit you there and this family went out and borrowed money to get us drinks.  It was so humbling.  People show love when they have nothing else to give.  Tangible love rule #4 – Genuine love although tough to give is sometimes more appreciated than gifts or other things

I implore you to try loving someone tangibly for a week.  Not only does it make you happier but you change lives.  Love is just so powerful and beautiful. It takes a lot of hard work to love someone selflessly but it’s so worth it.

Tangible love pt. 1

There are five times in my life that people have shown me the power of tangible love.  First, when I was interning in Egypt, my mother made it a point to call me every week to make sure I was okay.  She let me talk about myself and all my adventures with no thought of her own.  She racked up an 800$ phone bill just to let me know that she was supporting me from far away.  I never felt homesick because her presence gave me the strength to live overseas without feeling like I was there alone.  She changed my definition of tangible love despite distance that summer.

In the midst of a really tragic breakup for me, a friend of mine took numerous hours of her life to spend time with me, walking, eating, trying coffee, going to seattle and just plain being around more often because I was alone and lonely.  She listened to me whine about my sadness, she was happy with me when I was - she was supportive when I didn't know what to do.  She offered herself in a way so very consistently that it wasn't just ONE time - it was like the whole semester.  She taught me how to treat people who live in a state of sorrow.  She showed me Jesus by getting me outside myself and keeping me distracted. 

In 2012, My husband and I suffered probably the worst thing in each of our lives and lost the child we hoped and planned for.  It was such a dark time in our lives.  The night we found out, I drank a half a bottle of vodka and wept huge crocodile tears over the broken, desolate feeling in my heart.  My friend came over without any hesitation and held me for what seemed like forever and allowed me to cry on her without any word.  She held me up when I couldn’t stand.  She gave me her strength when I had nothing but the loss of my baby.  She changed my definition of a friend in that moment.

More recently, I was at a wedding that everyone I knew was at except my husband.  For reasons of his own, he was unable to attend.  While I was surrounded by my family, I wanted him there with me as my partner. I felt horribly alone and my sister in law spent probably 75% of the wedding with me.  Talking to me, encouraging me, bonding with me, and loving me.  She changed my definition of what it means to love a sister and friend that day. 

My husband has shown me a fifth time in my life where I have experienced tangible love and has changed my definition of a lover in a marriage.  I was having a horrible time reconciling my views of humanity and the reality of those around me.  I was feeling very hopeless towards people and my hopelessness turned into an ugly monologue of hate.  I spewed this hate for the evening and he stood by and listened.  He comforted me and tried to reassure me in my sorrow.  The next morning, I woke feeling pretty silly at how my thoughts had turned and I worried that the things I said would break something in our marriage.  While he acknowledged that I was indeed spewing venom, nothing changed.  He loved me anyways.  He has changed my definition of genuine love and acceptance.

I want to talk about love.  I want to talk about people.  I want to talk about Jesus.

I have struggled and struggled to find Jesus in this world.  I spend a lot of time thinking about him and how he works and what he is all about.  I have struggled for my entire life to see love – REAL tangible love which is the kind of love I believe Jesus was all about.  I find humanity to be mostly broken and I desire to love tangibly like Jesus, I just didn’t really know how. The things my examples have in common however all carry a theme.  I was open to accepting love and they were selfless enough to give how I needed, not how they needed.   

Love, although abundant in my life, usually seemed to carry a price.  I’m not talking about birthday cards from my grandparents, or calls from my siblings -  I mean – LOVE that is given despite not being worthy of having.  I would also counter with the idea that a lot of the time I did not feel worthy of having love.  There are countless scars and many dusty bags in my life that I have yet to heal around and unpack.  I do not generally open myself to the love people would give.  I have known love to come at a price and I simply do not have time to pay.  However, as I have been thinking about love and how to treat other people with love, I have learned that true love does always come with a price, just not the one I thought.  True and tangible love comes with sacrifice, patience, consistency and sometimes is unpleasant to the person giving the love.  A lot of the time, loving someone means to put yourself aside and do for them instead of you.  It is a selfless move of sacrifice.  True love is the epitome of Jesus dying on the cross for our sins.  Now, if you do not know the story – essentially, Jesus, who is God, became a man and came with a message of love.  He then died for this message.  And even if you are not religious and do not believe the Christian bible, what Jesus did for the sake of love is inspiring and amazing.  He literally died for the people who cursed him and hated him.  He gave something up for the ultimate act of love. 

People, are broken and messy.  More often than not, they will hurt you or let you down in some form and I have learned from the people I have opened up to that I can love people tangibly.   This is my life goal.  I want to spend the rest of my life learning how to love my friends genuinely and honestly in a way that my love can impact them in a way others have impacted me.  I want to learn how to love my husband the way he loves me.  I want to learn to accept people where they are in love instead of making them change before I find them worthy of my “love.”  I want something real and I want to give this to other people.  Love changes people for the better and it might mean that I will be hurt from time to time in my crusade for love but the bible tells us to guard our hearts (the next blog I’ll be writing) and teaches how to keep that heart safe.  It is such a strong and fragile thing. The next time someone offends, or hurts, reach out and offer a hand.  Choose to react in love instead of understandable response and I promise you will be surprised. The next time you begin to fight with your loved one, ask yourself if it will matter tomorrow if they died.  I am trying to make this thought process a habit for myself. I encourage you to try this as well.

I am at peace with the universe

A couple of years ago I found myself sitting in the office of a mentor of mine trying to explain the sorrow I felt in my heart.  I was having a hard time with a resident that had been admitted to the long term care facility that I worked at.  I related to this resident in a way I couldn't understand. Maybe it was their their story, how they reminded me of certain things, the fact that I didn't believe the world would deal such a hand to them.  I write cryptically because I still operate under HIPPA laws but this particular residents story made my heart break.  I didn't think that such a story should happen.  Happy endings should belong to good people.  This was no such story. 

As I sat in my mentor's office, she empathically looked in my eyes and told me a personal story about a tragedy that struck her in her late twenties.  She told me how she didn't know how to deal with the fact that it happened.  Good things should happen to good people and by every right, she was a good person.  However, something bad did happen to her and she explained how it took her awhile before she finally made sense of it.  She explained to me that she finally got to a place where she was okay with the fact that she had no control over the universe and what was would be.  I balked at the idea.  No. I could control what happened in my life.  I had control.  Bad things should never happen to good people. They just shouldn't. It was far too illogical to me.  The unbalance did not make sense to me. 

"You have to find some way to be at peace with the fact that you cannot control the universe" she told me. My eyes threatened to spill the tears I struggled to hold back as I left her office trying to understand.  

This desire to control the destiny of my life has driven me.  I have pushed faster, stressed longer and planned harder as I tried to direct the way I would go.  I think sometimes I drove my life in circles just trying to go forward.  I have lost many nights of sleep worrying about the future, desiring relationships that would never be the way I wanted and bullying myself to squish into a mold I imagined for myself.  And then one day, I exploded. 

I have spent a long time reaching out to people that I wanted to reach back to me. Friends and family being the biggest but also God. My family has always been wonderful but we live so far from each other that I missed them terribly.  I grew lonely missing them while I spent my Christmas apart, family dinners apart, everything - always apart.  I felt out of sight, out of mind.  I worked too hard, we didn't take the time to call like we could and I found myself hungering for their attention and love.  

I chased after friendships that were fun and exciting but ended up in dead end streets, unfulfilling and never a two way street.  I chased the excitement, the emotion, the fun.  I wanted to be in the middle of it all.  A lot of those friendships were dust waiting to blow away but I held tight, just knowing I could try harder at being the friend they wanted and then inevitably what I wanted.  

I chased the idea of a God who gave me everything I wanted.  I threw temper tantrums when things wouldn't go my way. I blamed him and denounced my love for him. I grew angry when God wouldn't "hear" me. I wanted control. 

All these hungers and disappointments added and built until

I found myself feeling extremely alone. I didn't even realize I had all these expectations for myself and the people in my life.  I remember thinking how hollow it was, how shallow my idea of control and how futile it was. Finally, in the split of a second, I understood.  I am literally a dust speck in this world. Lost to the billions of people cohabiting with me. God didn't owe me anything.  My life was blessed, I didn't deserve any of it.  Finally, out of my disappointment grew my understanding.  

Yeah, I wish I had both my parents around the way I envisioned.  Of course I wish I wasn't working so much and could focus more on the friendships I had.  Yes, I wish I understood who God was better.  But I couldn't control if my family called or not.  I couldn't and wouldn't beg to build relationships with people I wanted to be good friends with and I also could never control God or the universe or even what other people did to create tragedies in our lives.  I had come to the understanding that I have very little control if at all.  

I cannot control who wants to be a part of my life, and how much but I can control how I feel about it.  I am worth knowing. I know that sounds conceited but I know I have value, worth and can bring a lot to the table. I know that I will work hard to be the best friend I can be and continue to work on balancing my life to be the best me possible and I have found peace in that.  I have found peace in being okay with not controlling the universe.  If I reach out to someone and they do not reach back, it's okay because I won't think it's because I am not good enough any more.  What will be will be and that includes how people interact in my life.  I have learned to just acckept people for who they are, in the good and bad.  I have readied my heart for whatever life could and most likely would throw my way knowing I cannot wait in fear to brace it but to live every day as it comes.  If happiness comes, to soak it all up- and if grief comes, to handle it when it shows up.  To live every day, every breath just alive and thankful. I am trying to live in this knowledge. I have found such joy-- I have found peace and for the first time in a long time, have found myself walking forwards instead of in circles. 

-beloved

Don't judge, im not there yet

It is really easy to judge someone’s life.  It is easy to judge someone’s actions – especially if you are not inside and cannot understand why they do specific things.  It is SO easy to assume that because you have lived, they must follow the same set of rules you do.  I have been immensely humbled over the past couple days by this realization.  

For myself, when things go wrong – I hide away.  I separate myself from other people and spend time just processing.   I didn’t always used to be like that.  Things rolled off my back fairly easily.  However, now I tend to overthink and process what I can from the situation.  This has either come from becoming older or for the sake of this post, is probably from the myriad of things I have experienced since those days of rolling off the back.  You see, I don’t actually think things rolled off my back, I think I ignored them and now I process and move on.   

The point I am trying to make is that those people who do things differently than  you, do it because they have been through their own set of circumstances.  Some, I can understand and evaluate with accurate clarity and others, I couldn’t fathom if I tried.  I responded to circumstances differently a few years ago and It would be important to note that perhaps when you see that person you are judging so veheminitly, you have met them at a time in their lives where they don’t really know what they are doing.   Like, REALLY understand what they are doing.  Perhaps, you have met someone acting illogical and silly and maybe they are still processing.  Maybe they are sorting through their baggage at the time.  Maybe, they’ve given up and don’t know it yet.  Perhaps, they just haven’t found their strength.  

Next time you come across someone who is acting outside the normal parameters of decent social custom, possibly remember that we are all at different stages in our life.  The best self we can be is not something that we achieve lightly.   Being the person we desire comes from a burning process if I may.  We walk through our experiences the best we can.  After all, there is no life manual.  Learn to forgive.  Learn to let hurt go.   Learn to give grace even if you think it is not rightfully deserved.  Learn to see past the mistakes and see the person.  Learn to listen past the angry and hear the hurt.  Learn to be patient when that person you dislike comes around.  Learn to look past the façade.  Can we learn to appreciate baggage?  Baggage is obviously unnecessary but the reality is that we are products of our surroundings, upbringing, parental style, desires, etc etc etc.. we see the world through the lenses we established while we walked through our childhood, our fights, our sorrows.  We are forever changed by this world and it is a continuous process.  We are on this journey together and we meet at different times in our lives.   Lets not waste the experience and take the best we can from it.  

--his beloved.

dancing in the stars - A journey to rediscover my faith

There are moments in time that you cannot get back.  Moments you didn’t even know you were making.  These moments that open up your soul for one brief moment and climb inside and change you.  These moments are what make up the very best of who we are.

I recently watched the movie wild where Reese witherspoon plays a woman who made a bunch of bad choices after her mom passed away and she literally had no where else to turn.  She decided to hike almost the entire pacific crest trail – because why the hell not.  She was a beginning hiker and she was either really brave or gloriously stupid.  I like to go with strong.  Anyways, she ends up making it and helping herself get out of her hurts and the pain she was struggling with. 

As I was watching this movie, I just kept thinking “ I totally understand why you did this” I really understood her.  I make silly choices that seem asinine to everyone else around me but I do them for me.  I get myself.  I understand why I need to do whatever I have chosen to do. She is a freaking rock star in my mind. 

I struggle with baggage – and a lot of it.  I have spent many years of my life sorting through and labeling it, moving it around to better places in my soul and occasionally, I let some of it go but mostly, I hold it in a tightly locked room where no one can come in and mess with all my hard work.  My work to understand my life: To understand why my mom wasn’t around when I needed her. To understand why I got to be the recipient of a man taking his pleasure out on a child.  Why I am still a child in some form in my head.  Why I never took enough pills, messed around with enough people, never cut deep enough, drank black enough to forget or get the feeling of filth off me.  Why I couldn’t ever be just enough. Why I can’t ever just be enough in my head.   I am chased by my demons. Childhood memories that I sit close to and acknowledge – knowing that we are old acquaintances and begrudgingly holding hands with each other. I am constantly processing.  Constantly re-evaluating.  These moments have made me.  I am the beautiful person I am because of them and even though a lot of those memories were dark and sad, I am bright and vibrant now and I wouldn’t change it. 

I understand why it took a 1,000 mile hike to clear her head.  I 100% get it.

As I watched this movie, something inside me split open.  I have been desiring something.  Something to re aline my soul with creation.  Get into nature.  I was planning on hiking some hiking trails around here but it wasn’t big enough.  I want to hike that damn trail now.  Not because I am crazy, foolish or “need a mental check” but because I want to do something marvelous and be marvelous and remember that I am just a small part of this huge story. It will happen but first I want to revisit a place where I was and wasn't at the same time..

Let me regroup so you understand my passion.

I hiked a mountain in college.  I hiked it with my boyfriend at the time and since our messy break up, those memories have been tucked away in a “those years” folder in my head.  But as I watched this movie, a memory came to me like a whisper and finally a raging train.  There was one of those moments that I was describing during this trip.  We had hiked all day to get to the top of this old building, super cool building.  And I remember it was cold.  Dark and cold and we didn’t have anything left to do so we hunkered down to go to bed when dammit, I had to pee.  I was a little nervous going outside by myself but I didn’t want to ask anyone to come with me so I walked to the little potty made down a ways from the hut and stopped.  I don’t know that I can describe it to do justice.  I was surrounded by the biggest mountains, stars and valleys I had ever seen.  The wind was cold and bit into my face and skin as I took in my surroundings.  The mountains were all around us. So incredibly big that It felt like we could keep walking them with ease. The stars were so bright that I felt like I was standing in the midst of them just dancing in them.  They surrounded me like fireflies – I was more than myself in that moment.  I was one with creation and creator.  It was magical. 

That feeling is what I am after.  The feeling of being so small and so big at the same time.  Of being in such a place that the beauty can ONLY be a memory that cant quite be shared because there are no words.  I do not want words.  I want to go and throw myself to the creation and find a key to my room I guard so closely and let it loose.  I want to discover what living life would be like just me and the world.  I want to be brave and face myself (in a new kind of way)  I kind of feel like that’s all you can do on a trail so long.  I want to be dancing in the stars again. Awestruck by wonder and sure of my being. 

So I will.  I have decided.  I will find this mountain from college and conquer it again by myself.  I want to rejuvenate my soul and duke it out with my creator.  I wanna go head to head with God and either come down changed or come down disappointed but I always find God on top of the hills. In the stars. In nature.  I need to go find God. And I will. 

--his beloved

He didn't find him in the storm.. he found him in the whispers

I have been away from God for a very very long time.  I went to church this Sunday, and the pastor talked about Jesus leaving the 99 sheep behind to go recover the one lost sheep.  His message meant to talk to those who do no understand that they are WORTH being recovered.  However, I focused on one tiny little detail he said.  Maybe the sheep didn't know how to get back. 

You know, if I was being honest, I would tell you that I haven't exactly made up my mind about how I feel towards the whole God thing.  But I do know that somewhere deep in my heart, my soul is screaming to run to Jesus.  See, the thing is - I really DONT know how I feel about things.  Like, why God lets the good man die and the bad man live.  Why God allows Dementia, hurt and disease - i mean I kind of understand - sort of. But I dont.  I do not understand God. 

However, I do know this.  If you read about Jesus, you can know that he was pretty kick ass. All he wanted was to love and bring people to God.  He wasn't the one condemning, hurting, stealing -- he came to give life and not just "being alive" but life to the full (john 10:10) Jesus was the OG - the original gansta, the real shiz, Jesus was legit.  He believed what he said and he said what he meant.  Jesus, is someone to admire, follow and emulate.  Now for this girl, I believe the bible is the real word of God and I happen to believe that Jesus is God so my heart screams to know her creator.

My heart screams to get back to an equilibrium state. My heart cries to know something.  At the risk of sounding so hokey and hippyish and super modern age - I must say that my heart longs to get back to the basics, be one with the universe, see the sky without the dilluted light pollution.  I am trying to find words for the feeling of wanting to fine tune my soul.  I want to get the shit out of it and cleanse myself.  I want to find Jesus in the stars, I need to get into nature.  I need to strip the crap from my soul and just get back to the basics.  I desire this.  I crave this.  I need this.  Just like I am craving Jesus.

I have spent a long time self actualizing.   I feel really good about myself.  I know the depths of my weaknesses, the hurts, the pains. I know the joys and smiles and quirks of myself.  But I have this feeling like I've gotten as far as I can and now I need to simplify.  Get out of my head.  I need to get back to the basics and I think when I do that, I will find my hearts cry.  I will find the essence I am craving. 

1 kings 19 11 - 13
 So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?

Something is tugging my heart.  The only logical response is to follow it. Unwrapping your heart is one of the funnest, scariest, dirtiest, exciting and emotional expriences anyone can do - I recommend you do it.  Find yourself. Discover yourself. 

When you have discovered what may seem everything, your heart will lead you down to another pathway and you may discover that you didn't know anything at all. All I know, is that I MUST follow my heart and follow its leading.  I know something is gonna be good at the end.

-his beloved.