He didn't find him in the storm.. he found him in the whispers

I have been away from God for a very very long time.  I went to church this Sunday, and the pastor talked about Jesus leaving the 99 sheep behind to go recover the one lost sheep.  His message meant to talk to those who do no understand that they are WORTH being recovered.  However, I focused on one tiny little detail he said.  Maybe the sheep didn't know how to get back. 

You know, if I was being honest, I would tell you that I haven't exactly made up my mind about how I feel towards the whole God thing.  But I do know that somewhere deep in my heart, my soul is screaming to run to Jesus.  See, the thing is - I really DONT know how I feel about things.  Like, why God lets the good man die and the bad man live.  Why God allows Dementia, hurt and disease - i mean I kind of understand - sort of. But I dont.  I do not understand God. 

However, I do know this.  If you read about Jesus, you can know that he was pretty kick ass. All he wanted was to love and bring people to God.  He wasn't the one condemning, hurting, stealing -- he came to give life and not just "being alive" but life to the full (john 10:10) Jesus was the OG - the original gansta, the real shiz, Jesus was legit.  He believed what he said and he said what he meant.  Jesus, is someone to admire, follow and emulate.  Now for this girl, I believe the bible is the real word of God and I happen to believe that Jesus is God so my heart screams to know her creator.

My heart screams to get back to an equilibrium state. My heart cries to know something.  At the risk of sounding so hokey and hippyish and super modern age - I must say that my heart longs to get back to the basics, be one with the universe, see the sky without the dilluted light pollution.  I am trying to find words for the feeling of wanting to fine tune my soul.  I want to get the shit out of it and cleanse myself.  I want to find Jesus in the stars, I need to get into nature.  I need to strip the crap from my soul and just get back to the basics.  I desire this.  I crave this.  I need this.  Just like I am craving Jesus.

I have spent a long time self actualizing.   I feel really good about myself.  I know the depths of my weaknesses, the hurts, the pains. I know the joys and smiles and quirks of myself.  But I have this feeling like I've gotten as far as I can and now I need to simplify.  Get out of my head.  I need to get back to the basics and I think when I do that, I will find my hearts cry.  I will find the essence I am craving. 

1 kings 19 11 - 13
 So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of a gentle blowing. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. And behold, a voice came to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?

Something is tugging my heart.  The only logical response is to follow it. Unwrapping your heart is one of the funnest, scariest, dirtiest, exciting and emotional expriences anyone can do - I recommend you do it.  Find yourself. Discover yourself. 

When you have discovered what may seem everything, your heart will lead you down to another pathway and you may discover that you didn't know anything at all. All I know, is that I MUST follow my heart and follow its leading.  I know something is gonna be good at the end.

-his beloved.

Cookie cutter Christianity

You know what I like about my life?  I have made choices for myself for the past 6 years and they were choices made of my own design and my own liking.  I know that I need to die in order to live  but right now what I like about my life is that it is mine.  I love waking up and hearing the birds and watching my dogs run outside.  I love holding a hot cup of coffee to my chest while I watch the snow fall.  I love being able to decide what I will do in the day.  I love that I still do it even if my decisions aren’t the best.  I love that I get to make that call.

I was in a relationship once that never allowed me those simple freedoms.  Yeah, yeah, I was able to wake up and drink my coffee all picturesque and stuff but I do not think I felt the contentment and peace that goes with that picture.  I always felt like I was trying to fit inside a mold of who I thought I wanted to be.  I tried so hard to be that girl he wanted.  It wasn’t until our relationship dissolved that I realized I was a completely different person and I was trying to squish into a mold that was never meant for me.  

That relationship taught me a lot about who I am, who I was and who I will never be.  I am not a cookie cutter Christian wife.  My home is messy and sometimes my hair is just as so.  Okay, A lot of times my hair is messy too.   I work too hard, I can be moody as hell, I forget to focus on the “right” things that this world has to offer and I am more silly than sexy to my husband.  I am sarcastic, cynical and I don’t believe in fairy tales even though I love watching a love story unfold.   I am just me.  Shit, I am one of the coolest fucking people I have ever met.  

I wish I had words to describe the feeling of complete peace with yourself.   To be so okay with your strengths and so okay with your weaknesses and to still be okay with yourself.  The confidence that makes you awesome, that makes you wantable.  People are attracted to great confidence, you know.   You know, I don’t say all this to talk about how awesome and conceited I am.  I say this, because I want to inspire life into those people who may feel like they are cookie cutter.  I want to shake the ideology that we have to grow up, fall in love, get married and yada yada yada…  

You can be anything.  Travel instead of fall in love.  Fall in love instead of be scared.  Take that chance and be risky instead of staying safe.  ANYTHING. 

You know why I think Christian’s walk away from Christ?  Like, the biggest root?  I think Christian’s aren’t encouraged to challenge God.  To find their faith and identity through his faithfulness instead of church all the time.  You know how many angry, jaded people the church contains?  Well, a freakin lot of them.  A lot of them are judgmental to their own and that sucks.  I mean, good for them because if that’s who they are, church is a good place to start but with people like that around, when do you feel safe to question God?

** I have to include that the time it took me to reclaim my faith was not just smiles and beer.  A lot of the time, I was left to my devices.  I struggled with insecurity, the temptation of the blade, and too many arguments that didn’t make sense.  It was fun sometimes, but alone, at night, I missed my buddy.  I was sad a lot.  Being away from god’s love is a darker place than you’d think.  But I needed the process. **

Forgive me if I am about to sound heretical and unbiblical because there is a good chance I may be but I think God can handle it.  If God is big enough to create this world, wouldn’t he be big enough to answer some questions from his children?  Isn’t God big enough to watch his children grow and learn and get smarter towards him instead of away from him?  I dare say he is. 

You know why I have come back to the faith?  Because God was big enough for me to challenge him.  God came through when most of his church didn’t.  God revealed himself to me, no one knocked on my door and convinced me.  I am nowhere near being called a “Christian” and to be honest, I cringe at the title.  So at the risk of being cliché, I would revise my previous statement to include: I am no where near being called a Christ follower, but I know that my faith is solid and I am at peace in my soul.  The freedom isn’t just from doing whatever the hell you want.  The freedom comes from a deeper place in your soul.  Self-actualization, understanding, wisdom and peace are the things that accompany that feeling of freedom.  I am 100% me.  Messy hair, crazy mood swings and a mustard seeds worth of faith that Christ is big enough to bring healing from cookie cutter stigmas and faith through challenging.  

The Gritty Truth - but I am alive and this is why.

I have been working hard on trying to be a nicer person.  Not that I am a mean person but I think that I possess some qualities that I would find “not nice.”  I personally feel like I used to be a nicer person.  I think I used to be selfless, patient, trusting and more relaxed than I am now.   What changed?  Great question. I think I used to dedicate myself to something bigger than myself.  I used to dedicate myself to a cause, an entity so to speak, God.  I used to be a follower of Jesus.  I used to be a lot of things.  

Before all this “nicer person” business, I used to be even more things.  I was depressed, suicidal, and struggling.  I had no self-esteem, no faith in myself, no light to turn to.  In my heart that was so full of unmet expectations, my light was dim.  Sure, I had fun on the outside.  I found solace in friends I still have today.  I also found solace at the end of a blade.  I found solace in the end of a bottle, the bitter taste of pills, I found solace but not peace.   These things did not fix my demons.  I believe I became entangled in a web of hopelessness.  Let’s fast forward a bit –

February 25^th 2004.

(a bit of background first.  I was dating this boy. This boy has an encounter with God.  Boy and Girl do a lot of things that would not be considered holy.  Girl feels kind of awkward.  Girl feels like something is changing.  Girl is sad. Girl thinks to pray to the God whom her boy has an encounter with.  Girl doesn’t believe boy is in his right mind.  However, girl grew up knowing about God so she knows at least how to pray.)

I have a conversation with God.  It goes kinda like this:

Me: Okay, God, uh – things are kind of weird.. but I don’t really know what to say to you but *Boy* said I should try talking to you but um, I don’t really know what I’m doing…

God:

Me:  So, uh, anyways, I don’t know what to do about our relationship, it’s a little weird and I just don’t know..

God: break up with him.

Me: …

God: …

Me: okay, what?

God: break up with him.

Me: okay, so, Im crazy and talking to myself.. Gods do not tell people to break up with their boyfriends.

God: break up with him.

Me: okay, you mean to tell me that you, God, are talking to me. 

God:

Me: Prove it.  Prove Im not crazy.  Because I think I’m fucking crazy.

God: Ezekiel 14:2

Me: really? That’s it?  A stupid memory verse?

God:

Me: so you mean to tell me that if I go look this up, you’ll prove that you are talking to me.

God:

Me: … huffs.

Okay,  Holy cow. 

So I go find the only bible my family had – this OLD huge weird “family tree” thing and I flip to the bible verse – literally have never read this book let alone verse in the bible and it reads “And the word of the LORD came to me.”  I freaked out a little bit.  See the reality of this situation would argue that it would have been something I’d heard before – true but I doubt it because I hadn’t.  Reality would also argue that it was coincidence. Sure. But what a damn good coincidence.

Anyways, I personally believe that I would never have accepted God if this did not happen.  I believe I lack trust and I doubt and this is what I needed to believe in God.  I FELT God. I got goosebumps like someone was staring at the back of my neck and I only had one thing to do.  I had to break up with boy.  The conviction was so strong.  So I call, and he doesn’t answer so I think, ah! A test! God does those. But boy calls back and tells girl that he just got finished with prayer and he was feeling like God was telling HIM to break up with ME!  Which sounds surreal. It was.

So I cry.  Now remember, I spent a lot of time wanting to end the pain in my heart and consoling myself with distractions that didn’t really console.  Boy was the biggest distraction, and now with Boy gone, I had no one to shield me from my demons.  I was alone, felt worthless, felt hopeless, and not to mention I was now filled with my 17 year old angst of losing the boy she loved.  And I do the only thing I can think of.  I plan my death.

I go into my bathroom and wallow on the floor, the pain too unbearable to endure.  I lay there wanting my life to end thinking and rethinking all the horrible things I hated about myself, my childhood, my disgust at being alone.  I hated myself. I had nothing but my solaces and I was determined to destroy myself. 

I lay on my bathroom floor, bottle of pills in my hand, razor in the other.  I was going to take the pills, cut the wrists and lay in the tub and die. It sounded peaceful to me.  To end my hurting.  And im crying and Im crying and I cant take it anymore.  Then the phone rings.

Different boy is on phone.  Different boy pleads with me.  Tells me how much God loves me and how he desires my life.  Tells me how much better things could be if I would give god my life.  I cry. I go back to my bathroom floor and I feel the worlds of choice tugging at my soul.  Give my life to God, Give my life away?  Trust me, when I was 17, I was in a bad place.  I wasn’t able to process a lot of the things that had/were happening in my life.  I was not able to understand that things could be different.  I was caught in my storm.  Anyways.  I feel my soul torn and fought for. To kill myself or try God’s way.  Boy on phone coaxes me to give into God.  I wanna say it but I fight for the words. I end up making a deal.  I tell God that I will try things his way and if it doesn’t pan out, I was going through with my plan to kill myself.  However, I do tell God that I needed him and wanted him in my life..   I am pretty okay with this so I go to bed.

The next morning, I woke up feeling something strange in my soul.  Love.  Like – not any kind of love you have ever felt before.  Love.  Like- pure unadulterated love.  Like I was oozing this feeling of fullness.  The birds chirped outside my window and I took a breath of air and I knew, I just knew that God was real.  I felt him in everything.  I felt him in my soul. 

I dived into this God life head first and didn’t stop until after some big events in my life.  Every year in February, I am reminded of the day my life was saved.  I am a person I never thought I would be, I am a new creation.  I am.. So loved. I believe if you surround yourself with things, you become like them.  When you surround yourself with God, you are changed.  I was changed. I am changed.

My finance and I split up when I was in Bible College.  My mom died shortly after.  My whole identity was shaken and tried.  I didn’t really know who I was or who I wanted to be so I gave into myself and did whatever the heck I wanted.  The changes were slight – almost so slight you didn’t notice but eventually I did.  I was less patient, I was less selfless, I looked out for myself instead of others.   I made promises I never kept, I destroyed friendships.  Slowly, I found myself with these characteristics that were horrible.  I honestly believe that you cannot live a selfish life without it coming back to change you.  I think that is what happened in the 4 years I stepped away from Christianity. 

I’m turning 28 today.  I know how to process hurt and pain.  I have delved into the folds of my insecurities and have risen above them.  I have sifted through my baggage and processed a lot of childhood pain.  I am functioning and alive.  I am at a place where I would like to be more kind.  I would like to be more patient, loving and selfless. I would like to be more like the Jesus I read about.  I would like to rebuild my relationship with God. I am at a place where I want this.  So on the day I turn 28, I am thankful for this journey.  I would not be who I am without who I was and who God was to me while I traveled my paths.  11 years ago this month, I could have just died.  But I embarked on a journey that all began with a prayer, a bible and an unorthodox answer from God.  This is why I struggle.  This is why I believe. This is why I press on.

Happy Birthday to me

--his beloved

Stuck up Christianity

"I will not take her to a Mormon church and sit through their sermons because it's against my religion"

"I'm sorry you're going to burn in hell because you don't believe the bible" 

"My interpretation is what's right"

"I would know better than you, my father is a pastor."

I recently sat through a conversation between a few people who worked with developmentally disabled adults about who would take one of the women to her church in the morning. 

The comments above were only some of the things said that evening and I couldn't help but ask myself if these people were serious. 

See, the thing is, I have a very different view of Christianity.  I feel like Jesus hung out with his people and then he hung out with a bunch of "not that cool" of people.  Jesus ate with tax collectors (who culturally were not the most popular people) and spoke to prostutes (which was not a cultural norm either) Jesus challenged the hypocrisy of the church leaders and challenges them to see the root or the heart of the laws and rules instead of just the rules.  Jesus shows compassion and intelligence in his actions.  Why then, as Christians must we shun anything that may threaten our faith??

I feel like it is a travesty.  

Romans 12 says      1Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

I feel like I really struggle with this.

I have extremely liberalized views on this world and have a hard time complimenting my views about the world with those found in the bible.  Yesterday, I was having a bit of a conversation with God and I can't tell you what I was discussing but I Remember saying "I'm sorry if that's wrong to you god but that's just how I see it and if it's wrong please help me transform my mind". 

It was the first time in a long time that I meant that.  I don't want to be difficult and I don't want to be some horrible Christian but I won't lie to my heart.   I spent a long time just trying to pretend my thoughts were parallel with those in the bible and I won't lie anymore.  I spent a long time developing how I feel about things and I know God honors my efforts but I know I'm fallible.  God change my heart and my mind if I am. 

Why must we as Christians think so self righteously of ourselves? Why would we shun someone we are mandated by the book to take care of because of how we view other sections of the book? When did Jesus tell us we couldn't be friends with people of other religions? Jesus himself came for the Jews yet opened his grace to the Gentiles-to anyone who believes in him really.  Even if I am liberal in my thoughts, or if I am stuck up in my thoughts- if I was going to claim Christ, wouldn't I still need to transform myself?? Why are we taking it on ourselves to shun the "sinner" but forget my pride? 

God is not a dictator and unfortunately there a lot of people who claim Christ that would paint him as such.  There is no love in the things I began this post with... And if God is love...?

Can a girl just be a sinning christian that has her own opinion about life but know it will change as she grows? Why do I have to be condemned by my thoughts and actions when I am still learning and growing too? Where is the grace??  

And so my prayer is this: God help me hear you and be willing to turn and change when you draw it to my attention.  God help my first response be one of grace and love. Finally, transform the minds of your people away from stuck up Christianity and maybe to that of ..oh I don't know..love?

--your beloved

the Paradox of death

Death is an intensely curious thing. It gives no notice as to when and where or even how it may come. The finality of death creates a melancholy within me that I seem not able to shake. My heart lags inside me and the general placement of my spirit seems dim. Death and loss are only repairable by the knowledge and faith of something after this world. It would be illogical to have such great intelligence, such passionate desires, the talents and skills people posess in this diverse populace only to have it snuffed out like a candle in the window caught with wind. Death trades with us a feeling of empty longing, left open in our chest. A pit is ripped in our insides that bottoms out when a memory, a trace of a reminder crosses paths with our hearts. Death steals away those we love and leaves us stopped in time expecting those around us to stop and look about – yet the time passes the same and not a glance is cast our way. It is as if that life was meaningless; that the universe could care less that a bright spark has been extinguished. You want to cry out "look! remember! Don't you care?! My heart is broken!" But the pain I feel is completly my own and although I am connected - grief maintains a lonely road.

 Cruel fate, the loss of love. We spend all this time sharing the whispers of our souls with another being only to have them taken from us – the whispers of our souls taken with them. No one can craft the love created between two people; whether it be friend or lover, each relationship is its own, none duplicated and never again to be repeated. This is the heartbreak of death. We are left with memories and a world that callously continues despite the stopping of our own. 

 This body inevitably will fail us. Death is inevitable. The only repreve that I have is that grief is a feeling many can share in and this world is not designed to be lived alone. Although I may feel as if the world has stopped and I am sitting alone in my sorrow, the reality is that the world continues because there is reason for it to continue. To live in this moment is the only certain thing we have. To be able to hold someone’s hand and share in their life over coffee is a catalyst of moment. We inspire and share our souls with everyone around us through a story or joke and we are connected. I am not alone even though you have left. Even though my heart longs for yours, I am still connected. 

 To be living in the moment, we make sure that life is lived completely. Not one breath is promised. Not one day is to be taken for granted. What a waste it would be to live a life devoid of passion and dreams- unable to connect with those we have around us. Although death may sting, life is a salve. Look! Look around at the beauty it offers us: The smell of a flower ripened in the sun, the laughter of a baby joyous with love. The kiss of the wind, unseen but powerful and the brilliance of the sun who rises again. The beauty of forgiveness and the grace of second chances. A mothers love, a child’s faith, the joy of achieving our goals. These things are constant, death cannot steal every single one. 

 So although my heart be weary from sorrow, my eyes dry from tears, and my soul discouraged by despair – I look up and onward for although the day may stop for me, the world continues on and I am still a part of it. I am still here. Like I said, death is an intensely curious thing.. 

 -jackie

An ocean of secrets

There are places deep inside that carry the stories my mouth dare not breathe
places I hold secret and dare world to never see
The depth of emotion mine to hold
no one will ever know

 my heart carries your breath on my neck
the memories of walks in the wood
to special places where we would hide within each other
the taste of romance twinged in sin
 beautiful bliss exploding within

 heart inside me full of depth
full of these places I have kept
forever a part of me they never leave
a memory hidden deep within me

 The heart an ocean never fully explored
 not even I know the wonders it holds
a picture, a song, and I am transported back
 to a taste and a longing I didn't remember to have had

I remember myself young and niave
so full of love, so pure and free
in that moment that my heart chose to capture
I am forever in love with a darling character

There are secrets inside this heart of mine
there are secrets in this heart of mine
held to cherish

all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another....

John 13:34-35 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

When I first read this verse of the bible, I thought, "wow, that's so true - I really like that"  and then I couldn't get it out of my head.  My optimism turned sour and then I found myself thinking "But where ARE these disciples?"

Coming from a christian girl who has recently reclaimed her faith in Jesus Christ, I still carry many jagged emotions about the hypocrisy of the christian church.  You see, in my story in particular, when I chose to make my own decisions that rebelled from the christian way of thinking, I found a lot of people who seemed to only know me/like me/support me when I was strolling through life the "proper way."

Being brought up a bit rough and thrown to adulthood with no sense of which way to go and how to handle my baggage, I, of course, fell from my faith and took the hard way to figure myself out.  While I was walking that journey, I fell from grace - not necessarily God's grace but the good graces of those people I had spent many years serving Christ with.  I think I made people uncomfortable.  I know for awhile, feeding the wolf of selfishness inside me turned me into a flaming jackass.  However, there are few that I can recall who loved me - GENUINELY loved me from the distance I placed around myself.  These people are the people who have shown me Christ.  These people are the people who inspired me to return to Christ.  These people are those genuine lovers of God that the world needs more of.  

So, with my split heart leaning towards godliness and jaded cynicism, I can only wonder: Where are the disciples of the church? Where are the christian's who would sit with the sinner and be genuine friends with them despite their obvious sin filled life?  Where are the Christians who chase the fallen because friendship doesn't mean "only friends if we are both serving god."  Where are the Christians who make themselves uncomfortable to be Christ for the broken?  When did Christians get so selfish and stuck up that we can't follow the dude we proclaim to follow?  When did stipulations become so prevalent?  Then the church wonders why people want nothing to do with Christ. When did we get so surface?  Where is the love of Christ?  But whatever happened to loving someone because they are full of depth and character?  Why do we have to love people only when they act worthy enough?  Doesn't that negate what Jesus says in the bible all along?  I have met more genuine people covered in sin than those I find in the church.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am not trying to bash the Christian church - much.  I am ashamed to be walking back into a faith that means empty dust to those around me.  I am ashamed to have been so surface.  I am ashamed to have been this empty disciple to so many who fell away before me.  What is the cause for all this?  Jesus wants to turn us into someone new.  He even promises that the work he starts will be finished.  We are a continual work in progress and we will let people down.  We will succumb to our selfishness more than we succumb to our selflessness.  Jesus walked with sinners because he loved them.  People are changed because Jesus loved them.  Love changes everything - but what about when people don't change?  What about when they don't follow our expectations?  WE LOVE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE WORTH IT.  Everyone.  No matter what.  

this being said - I challenge believers to get outside your cliques, your fake smiles, your "must be perfect" expectations for yourself and look inward.  Really look at yourself and understand that just becuase you work harder to be better and you spend ten hours in the bible doesn't make you any better than the drunk down the street.  Jesus is the beautiful thing inside us, not our works.  Especially not our works that we proclaim for public opinion.  Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place to brag about what you are proud of and being proud of our accomplishments isn't a bad thing. - Good for you for doing it.  But don't turn into a cocky know it all who is too stuck up to remember what its like to feel like a failure and let those feelings swallow you whole.   

You know what brought me back to church?  Genuine people who I can relate to.  No one can relate to perfect.  Transparency with yourself and others.  A real healthy dose of reality.  That is what I am comfortable with.  I cannot relate to perfect or even trying to be perfect and I honestly believe that Jesus doesn't expect us to be perfect - He wants us to be transformed and to LOVE one another and Love Him.  So I challenge those of you who actually read all the way to the bottom of this honest confession.  Be honest with yourself, be transparent, understand that you are the sinner you are because you know you are saved by HIS grace - not yours. And for (literally) God's sake - can we start loving each other instead of judging each other?  Loving each other instead of  being happy that something bad happened to that person you don't like?  Can we love each other instead of choosing our comforts first?  Because if we can, I think I might actually see some of those disciples Jesus was talking about.  Maybe the world might see some of those disciples Jesus was talking about.  Maybe the world will know that we belong to a good God who accepts us despite our flaws and maybe can believe He could accept them too.  Maybe the love is the key.  Maybe even if you are not religious - could we just learn to love one another and put out a hand?

--Jackie

his beloved.