I think i was depressed

Last night I went to my church's harvest carnival all dressed up like an amazon woman. note what happened at the bouncy house:

Me: I wanna jump in the bouncy house

Megan: Lets do it

*line says* this bouncy house designed for children ages 6-10.

Me: lets just stand in line and hope he doesn't notice our age

Megan: are you sure?

Me:what have we got to loose really?

Megan: Okay

Rob (bouncy house admitter): um.. you really wanna jump in here?

Me: can we pleaseeeee?

Megan: yeah

Me: cmon

Rob: okay

Me: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!

Megan: Really????!!!

Rob: come on in

Megan enters house first than me and two other girls our age

I begin to jump -

Me: Yyayaaayyyy!! Im in a bouncy house! Im in a bouncy house! Im bouncing in a bouncy house! Yay yay yay!

This situation would have never happened a year ago. I wouldn't have even let my heart begin to desire such a thing. For certainly, bouncy houses are made and designed for kids. I shouldn't even want that. recently, someone told me that they had noticed a positive change in me. and someone else told me, oh, the real Jackie is coming back. Everyone told me that because I was with my current boyfriend, I had changed into this.. debby downer. But you know what else I was dealing with? The loss of the other half of my heart, the loss of my mom being my mom. See, I lost my mom awhile before she died - she was my mom but not my mom, someone i needed to take care of. And then she died. and then I was mourning the loss of schooling - what should I do now? I was mourning the fact that my brothers and I dont have a really deep relationship. all that combined - I was a freakin mess. When i look back on last year - I remember mostly the feeling of cold, dark, rain. things just looked dark to me. and i think i'm gettin okay. I think death will have always touched me and the loss of first love will always leave me a bit cynical. My schooling woes are misplaced and I look forward to the future and I make my own choices about how i feel about my brothers. I choose to accept things as they are - because I am not around to change people.

As to those who feel as if my boyfriend is the brick on my back and the reason for my change I would recommend taking a look at who held my hand through my mom's funeral and who encouraged me to continue school if I missed it so bad. Who pushed me to keep going when I felt I couldn't and who comforted me and walked with me through the dark. I would also ask the question - when did you try to help and what did you do to help? This post sounds bitter and I dont say it in such a tone. I just mean to say - before you are so quick to judge, why not take a gander at yourself and when you can throw your stone, by all means let me know. Because the way I see it, Jesus is the only one who can throw a stone at my faults and sins but instead he choose to die to save me. He walked through the storm with me. Even when i wasn't aware of it. He stayed very close. he never threw a stone.

He walked me out to the sunshine I feel now. I think I was depressed. I think Im making it out of it. I definitely think I enjoy bouncy houses as well.

_ jackie

middle gray - middle ground - lukewarm and other synonyms

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong. I try to get involved with the girls I think of as model Christians, but I don't really like the cliquey feel, I don't like the gossip, and I especially don't like the judgements. There was this one time I was standing outside with the youth group near a woman smoking a cigarette and one of the leaders dropped a comment about how they needed to move because they didn't want to be around the nasty smell of smoke - very loudly so that smoker would hear. How annoying. What was the point in that? Why? who cares if you are uncomfortable, you can move but you don't need to shame her in the process. Where is the love of Christ in that? Similarly, I try to get involved with normal people, who drink occasionally, smoke on occasion and generally just live life the way they want. I desire that. But even then, I still feel uncomfortable when those around me are making fun of others, talking down to each other, and generally being two faced. (which i am guilty of from time to time but this is a practice that I try to avoid). I can't fit in anywhere. I feel like i sorta fit in but i have my own mind and my own thoughts and they may or may not be accepted and I may or may not care.

I want to live a normal life - but i was birthed for extraordinary events. To be perfectly honest, I would never be happy settling down in a "normal" life. I would always wanna go. Cuz thats what I wanna do. Always move, always grow, always experience. Always live. Man, You don't even know how deep the desires of my heart are to live. I wanna do everything. Wanna learn everything. Wanna record everything. And i wanna do it on my own time. I have a hard time listening to anyone else's advice unless I am ready to hear it. Simply because I have always learned the hard way - a habit I am sure will continue until my dying day. Maybe thats because I don't trust many, maybe it's because some part of me knows they are right but wants to see if I could be right too.

I miss something. I almost feel as if I have dabbled in to much to have any kind of naive faith or belief in humanity anymore. But I wouldn't wanna wonder through this world being led like a lamb to the slaughter, I want truth. Always truth. In this constant changing of my mind and life, My constant has always been Jesus. its like a hurricane is waging war all around me. My hair is a tangled mess in my eyes and I cannot see through my tears but Jesus is calm, Jesus is the middle - he is the peace that I seek and run from. I am nothing but a jumble of conundrums. I am a mess and he is.. solice. I never feel awkward or out of place when i am with him. I never feel like my thoughts are bad or that I am in the middle when I am with him. I feel right.

This earth can offer some of the most splendid things to eat, to see, experience, feel and yet it can also bring the most hurtful pain, sights and sounds to the heart. I am longing for something this world cannot satisfy and I concur just like c.s lewis, that I am not of this world. Oddly, even after writing that, I am reminded that I try so hard to live in this world although I am destined for another. I am in the middle. I live salt and fresh, I live me and God. I live black and white, hot and cold, good and evil. I live in a shaded line of existence that will not sustain life for very long. I cannot do me and serve God at the same time. And I want to. I really wanna just do things my way and make Jesus my prayer vending machine. I want to throw fits when he says no and be a two year old when he doesn't act fast enough for me. God, I am so spoiled.

it is a lonely place in the middle. I think I am too cynical for my own good. My fairy tales shattered one evening by a chapel near a lake. Not that I am all angsty after a bad situation, but I had a horribly naive faith, belief in people, belief in life. Now i am left with the stark reality but filled with hope that god is here, and he is good. God is good. I cling to that. even when i dont understand, or believe. I know that God is good. I am just trying to figure my way through this life. find some balance. and all i've gleamed for now is that God is good. God is here. God is my constant. God is Jesus. Jesus is love. I cannot serve love and selfishness at the same time. I need to choose a side cuz this middle ground crap is lonely and unfulfilling. its gray. the sun or moon are constants. gray is just... so... blah.

his beloved.

The intricate connectivity of those we love

A friend of mine's uncle is dying. Her cousin will be without a father in a couple days. Her Aunt without a husband and the family lacking in someone of worth. Uncle, Father, cousin, aunt, husband, friend. All these titles given to such a small amount of people but what a huge impact a death in anyone's life has on others.

I've been giving this a lot of thought. Just the fact that as a society - we are a community orientated people. Albeit this community is mostly electronically socially orientated - we still desire community. We still interact and share our lives with more than just our friends. When my mom died, my friends had to deal with it too. When my life shatters - my friends have to deal with it in some way. Same thing with my friends. I was feelings really content (as i deep cleaned my place) when i got a phone call from my friend telling me the news. Literally in about 5 seconds - my disposition and emotional status is changed. It effects me too. My friend will obviously receive the brunt of the sorrow but I will grieve for my friend. I will grieve for their family - their families friends. I didn't realize just how connected we really are.

I was a little saddened by my friends news. I cant begin to imagine how I acted after my mom died. But I appreciate the friends who stuck by me and treated me normal even though I was anything but normal. I am saddened at the ones who were too uncomfortable around me to hear me. But I understand. I love people and I love to share my heart with them - I just never knew I would be sharing more than that and caring more than I thought. Not that Im upset by it - I am just amazed at how as completely different people become friends - and learn to love eachother and walk with eachother through the hard stuff. My life isn't just mine. I share it with others and when they grieve - I will grieve and likewise. How beautiful of Jesus to know we needed that.

--xx his beloved

curious

Even when I start to think things will remain the same - in some aspects.. I am again surprised when they do not. Life really is a constant flowing change of river - people, places, ideas and dreams all flowing and moving will always change. It is inevitable. people will change as they meet new people, when they experience death, experience grace, love... when they live. I was thinking fondly about an old friend of mine once and I had to tell myself that the reason I don't talk to him anymore isn't because of issues between us, its because I loved him at a time when he was the best person i'd ever known. His life has changed now as well and I don't like who he is.. wouldn't ever want to be with someone like that again. He is changed, and I as well.

I have a friend - one I have cherished for more than 6 years.. all of a sudden it seemed she has become someone i hardly know anymore. Says things that isn't who she is.. acts like someone i never knew. it blindsides me. hurts my heart.. but I cannot hold back the river. Similarly - when my mom died, my views on death and heaven changed. My views on people changed. My views in this world changed. When I ended a relationship that I never wanted to end and would have NEVER expected to have end - my world view changed. when I experienced life in egypt - i changed. I suppose I would never want to stay stagnant and be the same.. I suppose Change is good.. except i think it is curious how we change for the better - and the worse.

I suppose I want my friend back. I suppose I'd like my mom to be here. I suppose I'd like to be comfortable in the idea of a marriage that would last - but change makes me feel like it wouldn't. I suppose the bad changes can still become the good changes.. and I suppose when Jesus changes us, its always for our bettering.. But the control freak in me wants to be certain about some people.. certain about some things.. and in reality - the only thing I am certain about is that Jesus will always be with me. I cannot expect a marriage to last - I can only try my hardest on my side but whats to say any person I am with will one day decide to change.

I suppose change scares and invigorates me.

disappointed.

Gossip. We eat it up. We all wanna hear about it. When something juicy happens in someone else's life we feel it necessary to tell people about it. Tabloids make their earnings from it, shows like E and TMZ would fail without it and churches would be silent for once.

I am disappointed in the church. I am disapointed in the fact that as christians we are supposed to be different from this world and we are sadly not. There are the select few who know how to shut their faces and pray silently for the situation but in reality - we turn prayer meetings into gossip hour. "oh, I need you to pray for my friend - this is her situation" No shut up. Jesus knows who you are praying for and why. It doesn't help you pray more effectively, be a better friend to the afflicted (cuz if you think about it - if you were a better friend in the first place, you wouldn't have heard the news from the grapevine). It doesn't do anything but let everyone else in on their business. Are our lives so mundane that we MUST talk about other peoples?

One of the biggest reasons I dont tell my business to the church is this reason. Because I want to be the only person talking about me. Its sad. and I am not exempt. I have done my fair share of gossipping about someone - or many someone's to that matter. And then I found out they were talking about me and my entire perspective changed. Its not fun being talked about behind your back. But you risk that by being honest with church members minus the pastors. - well at least at my church, i have heard pastors with loose lips. Its sad though you know, that the place where brothers and sisters in Christ are supposed to commune in unity can't tell people about their problems because of the judgement, the titles, the strife, the gossip. It makes me sick.

We just had a sermon on loyalty. How does gossipping about your brother and sister in christ make you loyal? If those bonds are supposed to be tighter than normal ones, who wont you sell out? If you can gossip about your friend to another woman or man or gossip about your actual sister or sister in law - who wont you talk about? Loyalty. Can we get back to that please? I am trying to keep a tight reign on my lips - its hard so hard, and its hard not to judge other people when I see them flapping their gums away when ive done it too. But all I can say without doubt is that it makes me sorely disappointed. We are better than that. or at least we should be striving to be.

xx- His beloved

Mercy Falls from your heart down on me

Mercy falls from Your heart down on me
Glory streams from Your face so lovely
A million words could not describe
How marvelous Your perfect light

I adore You
I will sing it with all my heart
I adore You
I love everything You are

That my heart, beats to the rhythm of Your heart
That my eyes focus on Your beautiful eyes
A million tongues could not express
How beautiful Your holiness

My life is yours and will be forever

I wanna get back to this place. Being able to honestly sing out to god "my life is yours, it will be forever" I remember listening to this song all the time on the metro while riding to help kiddos in the clinic. In those times, I was grieving, lost and so so confused about everything I ever thought I knew. I was - broken, So broken. I always look back at my egypt pictures as the summer I learned how to smile again. The summer God gave me the most real dream I have ever had promising me that I would be covered while doing missions. That I would never be in need. I woke up crying from that dream. It's too personal to post on here but it was the summer Jesus promised me I would go. But I remember how incredibly hard it was to do any type of missions work without God. I would come home, flip on the air conditioning and go spend time with god. I had to. I was physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. so tired. Trying to always get somewhere and not know how to say it, where to go, being lost, knowing only enough arabic to get to one or two places.. I needed him and even though at the time I was broken and grieving, I was strong in him. And i really had given my entire heart and soul to live for Jesus. I rememeber thinking, this will be different this time, this wont be like camp cuz this was a life changing event. But as with everything in life, it flows like a steady stream and I am here and not there. But Jesus, I wanna go there. And the desire for Jesus is getting stronger than the desire for other things. He is always my constant and I do love him very much.

It is interesting Loving Jesus and Loving the world. I really do get how that cannot mix. Salt water and fresh water always becomes salt water. Blood and water always turns red. The world is a very pleasing place to live. Its enticing to live just for myself. Power hungry is who I become and selfishness reigns. Anger has displaced patience and man am I an angry Driver, haha. I cannot ever become the woman of God if I try to be salt and fresh water. There is always a natural balance in this world - dark and light, sun and moon, earth and sky yadda yadda yadda.. Purity and defilement is still always defilement. I like to live on the line though. I want my cake and I wanna eat it too - all of it. But i guess just eating alot of cake makes you fat. haha. There should be boundaries and lines and thats the whole point. It really is a slow fade from "My life is yours, it will be forever" to "My life is mine and im a fat cake eating angry driver" hahaha ah.. yeah.. I wanna get back there but i am still eating my cake and my fat self has not entirely put it down. im not even licking the frosting - its me and my face in the cake. haha I really like this imagery.

regardless, My life IS his - I just need to live that out. My desires are conflicted. like a fat person who wants to be skinny but wont put down the cake. - i love fat people btw.

xx- His beloved.

under his wing

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart

You ever feel judged?

Like.. really judged. Like the people around you know all the horrible things you've done and think that when you raise your hands to worship God, its all an act and someone as horrible as you could never really be worshiping Jesus. I have. Even worse - I've done that to people.

Jesus spoke to me this Sunday. He told me that no one can truly judge my heart except him and he is the only one who will. He told me that he holds me and he will be my strength when I am weak and it's just me and him. I have never felt so under his wing before. So anxious but so peaceful and so full of his strength. How does he love me so much? and Who am I to ever judge his children? We as Christians are supposed to be children of a King. The only king - THE king. A risen GOD. a God. like.. the real deal. And I take it upon myself to slander my brother and judge my sister because they don't do like me or don't do things the way I think they should. Who am I? That's Jesus' Job.

I know I make a lot of mistakes, and I haven't quite figured out where I stand on specific issues concerning my faith but I am in a forward motion journey. I am finding myself In HIM not in anyone else's faith and thats how I'd like it to be thankyouverymuch. Sometimes, we react in ways we don't even understand. There are conscious and subconscious reactors to how we see the world and how we understand and even how we will react to a situation. I simply do not know enough about a persons heart to judge the motion or motive of another individual. And God forgive me when I try to.

Jesus was faithful Sunday. He is faithful everyday. He is near and strong and beautiful. He is my hero. He is so big to me and I don't understand why he would love someone with as many faults as I have. He is patient and loving and sweetly pushing me to make decisions. I cannot grasp how he loves so much. He is like a freakin bottle of love concentrated. But I like that he really does give us strength when our hearts falter. mine happens to do that a lot but I think i'm onto something. My goal this week is to memorize psalms 91. I have wanted to ever since i read it the first time. lets see how I do.

xx - his beloved.