Mercy Falls from your heart down on me

Mercy falls from Your heart down on me
Glory streams from Your face so lovely
A million words could not describe
How marvelous Your perfect light

I adore You
I will sing it with all my heart
I adore You
I love everything You are

That my heart, beats to the rhythm of Your heart
That my eyes focus on Your beautiful eyes
A million tongues could not express
How beautiful Your holiness

My life is yours and will be forever

I wanna get back to this place. Being able to honestly sing out to god "my life is yours, it will be forever" I remember listening to this song all the time on the metro while riding to help kiddos in the clinic. In those times, I was grieving, lost and so so confused about everything I ever thought I knew. I was - broken, So broken. I always look back at my egypt pictures as the summer I learned how to smile again. The summer God gave me the most real dream I have ever had promising me that I would be covered while doing missions. That I would never be in need. I woke up crying from that dream. It's too personal to post on here but it was the summer Jesus promised me I would go. But I remember how incredibly hard it was to do any type of missions work without God. I would come home, flip on the air conditioning and go spend time with god. I had to. I was physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. so tired. Trying to always get somewhere and not know how to say it, where to go, being lost, knowing only enough arabic to get to one or two places.. I needed him and even though at the time I was broken and grieving, I was strong in him. And i really had given my entire heart and soul to live for Jesus. I rememeber thinking, this will be different this time, this wont be like camp cuz this was a life changing event. But as with everything in life, it flows like a steady stream and I am here and not there. But Jesus, I wanna go there. And the desire for Jesus is getting stronger than the desire for other things. He is always my constant and I do love him very much.

It is interesting Loving Jesus and Loving the world. I really do get how that cannot mix. Salt water and fresh water always becomes salt water. Blood and water always turns red. The world is a very pleasing place to live. Its enticing to live just for myself. Power hungry is who I become and selfishness reigns. Anger has displaced patience and man am I an angry Driver, haha. I cannot ever become the woman of God if I try to be salt and fresh water. There is always a natural balance in this world - dark and light, sun and moon, earth and sky yadda yadda yadda.. Purity and defilement is still always defilement. I like to live on the line though. I want my cake and I wanna eat it too - all of it. But i guess just eating alot of cake makes you fat. haha. There should be boundaries and lines and thats the whole point. It really is a slow fade from "My life is yours, it will be forever" to "My life is mine and im a fat cake eating angry driver" hahaha ah.. yeah.. I wanna get back there but i am still eating my cake and my fat self has not entirely put it down. im not even licking the frosting - its me and my face in the cake. haha I really like this imagery.

regardless, My life IS his - I just need to live that out. My desires are conflicted. like a fat person who wants to be skinny but wont put down the cake. - i love fat people btw.

xx- His beloved.