who the heck am i?

I am always amazed at the fact that God is good and he will never let me down. Always. It's like im waiting for him to prove me right. LIke i have this idea in my head that one day he actually will just let me down. Or I have this idea that because I am not living my life perfectly, i shouldn't recieve God's eternal blesssings. But he blows me away on that aspect too. I can't understand this guy. I think I do but thats a lie. I don't understand God. I don't understand unending love. Or Love without motive. I just cant grasp it. It's like trying to hold water. I can't!

it's frustrating. I have been given this awesome job, and it's like... I look around and wonder, how did I get here? I didn't expect my life to go like this but I like it. I like the way things are going. I just wanted to write my frusteration at not getting God though. But I suppose, what Kind of God would he be if I could figure him out all the way?

--his beloved.

And the first time that you opened your eyes, did you realize that you would be my savior?

I just got done reading this book by Francine Rivers, a Christian fiction author who writes really kick ass books that make girls like me feel great. haha. It's called Rahab.

Essentially, Rahab was a prostitute who lived in the wall of Jericho but was saved because of her faith and was in the lineage of Jesus Christ's ancestry. Wow. That God would use a woman who wasn't even an Israelite (the name of his chosen people) and lived in a pagan world is amazing to me. Alot of people I know focus on how the God of the old Testament doesn't sound like the God of the New Testament but I disagree.

God called a people to himself and blessed them beyond their wildest dreams. Even when adam and eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, God gave them clothing. When the Hebrews were saved from slavery out of Egypt, but were disobedient to his words, he still walked with them and fed them all they needed and provided for their every need. How beautiful. That is a loving God. I know that there were alot of wars and God commanded them to plunder and pillage the people they conquered and I dont quite understand all that yet, but I do know that he saved those who had faith in him. That is exactly like the God of the New Testament. Jesus. Wow. I love him.

There is a story about a man who lived in the forest. A huge wind storm came and he prepared his home for the oncoming storm. While sitting warm by the fire, the man heard a horrible squalking sound outside. Upon inspection, he discovered many little birds freezing in the snow. He went to the barn and got out fresh hay and warm heaters to keep the birds warm and tried everything in his power to lead them to the warmth. The birds however, were so scared of his big form that they would scatter everytime he came near. Finally the man in frustration exclaimed "If only I was a bird!" - That is why Jesus came. God is too big for us to understand. unfathomable, unending, big. And really, if we could unerstand him wouldn't that be a lame God? I think so. I like being amazed and in wonder of his awesome deeds. I like that he has control (for the most part) and I like that I can trust on his goodness. That he isn't a god of mean intentions. But a God of love. Love. That is why Jesus was born. To die. To save our lives.

I am distraught that I am so wishy washy. I am sad that I listen to myself instead of him. I wish I displayed the faith that Rahab, the prostitue showed. You know, when Joshua sent the spies to Jericho to see how things were, He recieved his plans from God before they got back? You know what that means? God sent them to find Rahab to make a way for her survival. Grace, Life. - how is that not loving? That he would save the one person who believed in him is merciful and great. This God, saved me. Loves me. Despite my many flaws. He holds me and walks hand in hand with me while i choose sin over life. This Jesus who gave his entire life to save mine. shame on me. I am humbled that he would still consider me his beloved. and it isnt as if im rolling in sin or nothing. I am just not holy, pure and seeking. until i pray to him and ask his forgiveness. Isn't that beautiful that God did EVERYTHING to make a way for us to be together? Beautiful. Thats what it is.. Everytime I look at the grand scheme of the bible, I see a plan of redemption happening the moment God told Adam and Eve where they went wrong. crushing the head of the serpent. He laid it out.

Jesus probably wasn't really born in december. He probably wasn't blond and blue eyes. He probably wasnt given the best room at the local hospital. In fact i know all that to be true but I wont get caught up in that. I will focus on the fact that Jesus was born, lived and died a holy and perfect life to be the atonement for my black and sin filled life. He has given me everything. and I am humbled to the point of tears that he loves so hard. Love of Jesus is the heaviest love I have ever felt. Merry Christmas to you and to me. The greatest gift I have ever recieved is the gift of love and life and all the things Jesus shoves into those catagories - grace, mercy, patience, perseverance, joy, peace, wisdom and all kinds of other things.

My heart bursts of praise for the Lord who set me free and walks with me through the lowest valleys, the darkest sin filled days and the highest streams of life. Jesus walks with me and he does it because he loves me .. so much.

BY his grace - and only his grace

I am and always will be

his beloved

Jackie

*************************************************

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might [ really ]live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

- relient k celebrate the day

Jezebel's Request

 

I was thinking about the woman at the well.  How she came to fetch water at mid day when the sun was hottest to avoid the other ladies.  How she was an adulterer and didn’t much seek to change her ways.  How she was with a man who was not her husband the very moment Jesus spoke to her.  How Jesus did indeed speak to her.  The fact that he called her out on her sins and had a conversation with the lowest of the low.  How he still offered her living water.

Jesus is my favorite person.  His love is amazing and I wish I could comprehend just how big his love is for me.  I think if I really got it, Like REALLY  comprehended the enormity of his sacrifice and love – I would run through the streets unashamed too.

I think of the woman saved from those casting stones.  She didn’t defend herself, she had resigned herself to her fate.  Jesus stepped in and saved her from the stones.  Jesus is the only one with the right to throw a stone and he had none to throw.  Jesus saved her and showed her the right way to go. 

I don’t know why but I have a very soft spot for these women in the bible.  These Jezebels.  These women who have nothing to offer according to those standards and yet Jesus looks them in the face and deems them necessary.  Jesus gives them worth and direction.  Jesus. I identify with these women.  I know what its like to stand against the stones.  with my pride the only saving grace lest I fall.  Not necessarily shunned for my promiscuity per se, but I get it. 

Jesus stands the line for me. He has always stood up for me.  I just allow my brokenness to speak louder than his healing.  Jesus is the most gentle love I have ever experienced.  a tender word like a gentle caress across the cheek.  His love like a warm fire after a cold winters day.  His face, the only one my soul longs to touch.  He offers me cold water that will never fade, that quenches the soul.  He draws the line and shows me the way. 

My brokenness always gets in the way of his freedom however.  I never feel “good” enough.  My heart wont trust the head, my head can’t make the heart believe. Something about Jesus makes me hold on.  His love probably.  One day I hope to love people like him. That’s all this Jezebel could ask for – that and to accept his love properly.  My brokenness always gets in the way.

 

By his grace

Jackie

own yourself

I was thinking while I was driving today. I do that a lot, probably because my car stereo is lame and hasn't worked in oh I dunno like 4 months. But as in all bad things, good will come from it - I think and ponder which is definitely healthy for the angst ridden soul such as mine. Okay, not really but it is good for me to think.

I have this friend of mine that I really like to hang out with. She is the most interesting person and I just love who she is. I sit back and just watch her be her. Essentially, she is bold and abrasive, rude and demanding, loud and angry. Similarly, she is also sweet and gentle, a dork like most, an excellent mother with more love to give than most and possibly the most fun spirited lady ever. We have alot of fun hanging out - I never try to show off around her, (which I think is the general consensus of how the people in her life act) and so I have noticed, that she drops the facade when people are around and becomes so genuine. I love genuine. She has these friends however, that aren't that cool with genuine and have this image to uphold. I hate upholding images. They would down her for something she likes, and she allows them to let her feel silly for liking such a thing.

Thats what I hate. I have spent a long time trying to find myself and just be okay liking specific things just because I like them. I have found my own clothing style without a thought of who might see it on me and how I might blend in with those deemed great and popular. I have found my own brand of music that I like as well as off color brands that I also like without shame. I like certain movies and places because I like them. I have spent a long time learning to own myself. ME. There is only one of me, why did i spend so much time trying to be someone else? I'd prefer the authentic genuine uniqueness of something instead of a factory distributed copy of everything.

Own yourself. This doesn't just mean the aforementioned things, it means thoughts, motives, desires, choices too. I have discovered about myself that when I make a decision, I really make a decision. I stick to it like cement. I don't care what other option there is, it take a LONNNG time for me to be swayed out of my decision. I weigh carefully the pros and cons and wisely or unwisely make my choice. and then come hell or high water, rainbows or droughts - I will accept the consequences of my decision regardless. I try not to whine about it, because I knew what I was doing before I did it and thats just what I need to do. If my decision sucks, I just need to ball up and figure out how to walk through it. I rarely ask Jesus to help me make these decisions anymore and I have a hard time asking him to help me out of them if they go sour. Regardless, I own them. If I do something wrong, I expect to own the consequences. This obviously hurts my theology of Christ Jesus taking my sins on his own back and restoring me to grace. It is very hard for me to accept that and I spend a lot of time trying to pay people back. I keep a list of nice things they've done for me and I try to make it up. I do not like feeling like I owe anyone. It's something I need to work out, for sure.

Owning my thoughts and desires, I think, is the hardest. I spend alot of time thinking about who I am, where I want to be, what I believe and what not. I believe somethings that are not biblical and I am torn between the rightness of my own thoughts and the obvious inconsistency of not believing the words that save my soul. God, If this doesn't change and I never stop believing the way I do, does that break your heart? Will you show me the light when I get to heaven? Do you just wish I would stop questioning everything? God, If I trek out on my own without your careful guidance, but enjoy the life experience I am learning, will you still want me in heaven if I never listened to you? Cuz the thing is, I do enjoy living my life on my own. I really enjoy hearing other people's views and opinions and making my own. I like making my mistakes and learning from them. My only lament or hesitation is that God asks us to follow him. I am clearly following myself. But good things are happening really great things. Would I really be happier doing it "God's way"? How would I know - unless I stopped and gave it a try. How would I know it would be okay if I just kept on doin what Im doing.

I own those thoughts. they are mine. I think them alot. I think the root lies in my desire to live. I just want to go and live and not worry about serving a God sometimes. -- That is, if you call what im doing serving him. I'm barely honoring him. What kind of servant is this? I am a couple coals shy of clean lips. I guess I just want to live and maybe I wanna try it without God's help. But that isn't true either. I just want the choice to make up my own mind on things. I own that desire too. God forgive me for my honesty in cyber space but - thats where I am at right now and I like genuine. I like real. I like transparent. And right now, thats what I am. I own that too. But I also know that God claims me. Died to forgive me. allows me the freedoms to say this stuff. I want a duality of thoughts to intermingle together like flowers in a field swaying in the wind. It's okay. I know it's okay.

By his grace

Jackie - always his beloved even despite not understanding or knowing and certainly despite not doing everything right.

Spiritual Anorexia

I had to say something enlightening for church on Wednesday night. I always get a little nervous about speaking in public. Not because I don't like to be seen, cuz I love attention, but because I want to say something worthy of such attention. And I fear saying the wrong things. I fear I will drop the ball and my moment of attention will be wasted. My moment to say something to someone listening to me, will be gone forever until the next time.

As I searched my heart and mind for something enlightened or passionate or deep thinking like to say, I cried out in desperation when nothing came to mind. God, would you please just help me out, and give me something you want me to say? I cant think of anything. Much to my (not really, but really) surprise, God nudged me to open that wonderful book chock full of material deep enough to see to china. I recently had this epiphany that I had not because I asked not. Go figure, right? Well I sometimes just think that there is no reason to ask not because Jesus doesn't care, but maybe because I just don't think enough to ask. I suppose I don't trust him enough to be the first thing to turn to. I always just turn to myself. Anyways, I open up this bible of mine and I salivate.

I read and read and read and read without the purpose in mind, well i mean, it was in the back of my mind but the words danced over my heart, created images in my mind, birthed faith into my soul and caused me to breathe again. wow. I seriously felt like I was eating or drinking something for the first time in a long time. Or this one time, I was in Egypt and it was so hot in our flat. I woke up dying of thirst and we had been buying water bottles to drink from because the tap water was supposed to be a little sketchy or something and we were totally out of water bottles. I was not going to go get dressed walk all the way down to the store to get something to drink, I needed water NOW! So here I am in my hot flat sweat beading on my brow and I was SO thirsty that I thought I would actually pass out and die ( a little melodramatic, I understand but you were not there so take my word for it) and I made the command decision to do it. I drank from the tap. gasp. Okay, the water tasted fine - pansies. But I drank and drank and drank. The water was running down my face and onto the floor, dripping into my hair and on my clothes. I drank until I could hear it sloshing around in my stomach; it was only then that I decided that maybe I shouldn't have done with the crazy drinking of Egyptian tap water, but I cannot understand the intense need for water. I have never been so thirsty. As I sat on the edge of my bed pouring over my bible, I drank and water spilled over my mouth and onto the floor, in my hair, on my clothes and I didn't care, Such was my need.

When I finally found a passage I felt was possibly spirit driven, I closed my bible and put it on the bedside table staring at it, wondering when I would pick it up again. Previously, it had been awhile. Why? Why don't I read that thing more often? Jesus says He is the bread of life. He has water that will cause one to never thirst again. The words of God are Alive, soothing, nourishing, beautiful, colorful, hopeful and all things good. The bible is a book I could read over and over and God will never cease speaking from the words between the bindings. As I walk into this support room and stand up to the mike, I admit : My name is Jackie, and I am a spiritual Anorexic. Please everyone welcome me.

As a Christan in this world, trying to make it okay without the word of God is pointless. Its empty and half fulfilling. It is gray instead of bright yellows and oranges. I purposely choose not to feed on the words of Christ and am walking half a life, starving. I am starving myself of his beauty. I honestly believe that his beauty makes our lives beautiful. If we are not of this world, and cannot be sustained by this world, maybe we were meant for a different kind of world. One where loved and beloved conjoin in perfect intimacy and perfection. Perfect unity. I am not meant to find my opinion in the world's opinions. I was never meant to settle my thoughts for the thoughts of this world. I was NEVER meant to live a gray life. Jesus NEVER wanted that for me. He came to bring us life and life to the full. The full. full is not half way. I have a problem. And I need to change my thinking so I don't beleive the things that make me not eat of his perfect words of rightness for my life. Those words can change lives, they hold power and I would rather throw it away for a rice cake that tastes sweet but leaves me emptier than i started. I have a problem. I am a spiritual Anorexic. Fortunately for me, admitting my problem is the first step.

By his grace,

Jackie

I've always been a fool

Convinced of my deception

I've always been a fool

I fear this love reaction

Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie

About the love it brings

And I could never promise

To be any of those things

[Chorus:]If I was not so weak

If I was not so cold

If I was not so scared of being broken

Growing old I would be..

I would be...I would be...

Blessed are the shallow

Depth they'll never find

Seemed to be some comfort

In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows

You take the cup from me

Your dirt removes my blindness

Your pain becomes my peace

[Chorus]

...frail

I am.. this song. Its so vague and I always sit and listen to it finding out a new depth to it. Fraility would be a good thing in the christain sense - the meak inherit the earth. I shoould be sensitive enough to let and allow jesus to mold me. And I do not. I fight with him all the time. and if I wasnt so stubborn maybe I could be frail. I could be strong in him.

I am the only one to blame for this

Somehow it all ends up the same

Soaring on the wings of selfish pride

I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind

To rid myself of all but loveto give and die

To turn away and not become

Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves

more deeply than the oceans,more abundant than the tears

Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice

Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart

To need you - I am on my knees

To love you - take my world apart

To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone

Amongst remains of a life I should not own

It takes all I am to believe

In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?

All I am for all you are

Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost and wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain More and more I need you now,I owe you more each passing hour the battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago So steal my heart and take the pain and wash the feet and cleanse my pride take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty, take my tears the sin-soaked heart and make it yours take my world all apart take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise speak the words I can't deny watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost so wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain so steal my heart and take the pain take the selfish, take the weak and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty, take my tears take my world apart, take my world apart I pray, I pray, I pray take my world apart

I found this...

I was looking around in my email for an bible verse and I found this poem I wrote in the fog of my mom's passing. I thought it was pretty good, so Im posting it here.

Its almost like my world has stopped

shifted realities

I exist on a plane not like yours

I see what you see

but its different

I am walking with you

but im not

My world has stopped

and yours continues

doesnt anyone see me?

Cant anyone hear me?

Does anyone feel what I feel

deep in my chest

the hurt

the pain

the constant reminder

of loss?

Where are you mom?

Why are you gone?

Can I be selfish

and wish for you back?

Does it even work that way?

Even if I wished

my wish would be washed

like the waves of the sea

insignificant

as I seem to be

I am lost in a fog

I walk alone

there are things in my chest

beating to get out

but no words for escape

no sounds for the pain

the tears dont even help

the groans cant mend the wound

I am stuck wondering

alone

I am grasping at straws

pulling at threads

nothing seems to help

I cant stop the thoughts

in my head

take the pain away

I cant get it out

someone come to my reality

and let me out

...
please let me out