I have this friend of mine that I really like to hang out with. She is the most interesting person and I just love who she is. I sit back and just watch her be her. Essentially, she is bold and abrasive, rude and demanding, loud and angry. Similarly, she is also sweet and gentle, a dork like most, an excellent mother with more love to give than most and possibly the most fun spirited lady ever. We have alot of fun hanging out - I never try to show off around her, (which I think is the general consensus of how the people in her life act) and so I have noticed, that she drops the facade when people are around and becomes so genuine. I love genuine. She has these friends however, that aren't that cool with genuine and have this image to uphold. I hate upholding images. They would down her for something she likes, and she allows them to let her feel silly for liking such a thing.
Thats what I hate. I have spent a long time trying to find myself and just be okay liking specific things just because I like them. I have found my own clothing style without a thought of who might see it on me and how I might blend in with those deemed great and popular. I have found my own brand of music that I like as well as off color brands that I also like without shame. I like certain movies and places because I like them. I have spent a long time learning to own myself. ME. There is only one of me, why did i spend so much time trying to be someone else? I'd prefer the authentic genuine uniqueness of something instead of a factory distributed copy of everything.
Own yourself. This doesn't just mean the aforementioned things, it means thoughts, motives, desires, choices too. I have discovered about myself that when I make a decision, I really make a decision. I stick to it like cement. I don't care what other option there is, it take a LONNNG time for me to be swayed out of my decision. I weigh carefully the pros and cons and wisely or unwisely make my choice. and then come hell or high water, rainbows or droughts - I will accept the consequences of my decision regardless. I try not to whine about it, because I knew what I was doing before I did it and thats just what I need to do. If my decision sucks, I just need to ball up and figure out how to walk through it. I rarely ask Jesus to help me make these decisions anymore and I have a hard time asking him to help me out of them if they go sour. Regardless, I own them. If I do something wrong, I expect to own the consequences. This obviously hurts my theology of Christ Jesus taking my sins on his own back and restoring me to grace. It is very hard for me to accept that and I spend a lot of time trying to pay people back. I keep a list of nice things they've done for me and I try to make it up. I do not like feeling like I owe anyone. It's something I need to work out, for sure.
Owning my thoughts and desires, I think, is the hardest. I spend alot of time thinking about who I am, where I want to be, what I believe and what not. I believe somethings that are not biblical and I am torn between the rightness of my own thoughts and the obvious inconsistency of not believing the words that save my soul. God, If this doesn't change and I never stop believing the way I do, does that break your heart? Will you show me the light when I get to heaven? Do you just wish I would stop questioning everything? God, If I trek out on my own without your careful guidance, but enjoy the life experience I am learning, will you still want me in heaven if I never listened to you? Cuz the thing is, I do enjoy living my life on my own. I really enjoy hearing other people's views and opinions and making my own. I like making my mistakes and learning from them. My only lament or hesitation is that God asks us to follow him. I am clearly following myself. But good things are happening really great things. Would I really be happier doing it "God's way"? How would I know - unless I stopped and gave it a try. How would I know it would be okay if I just kept on doin what Im doing.
I own those thoughts. they are mine. I think them alot. I think the root lies in my desire to live. I just want to go and live and not worry about serving a God sometimes. -- That is, if you call what im doing serving him. I'm barely honoring him. What kind of servant is this? I am a couple coals shy of clean lips. I guess I just want to live and maybe I wanna try it without God's help. But that isn't true either. I just want the choice to make up my own mind on things. I own that desire too. God forgive me for my honesty in cyber space but - thats where I am at right now and I like genuine. I like real. I like transparent. And right now, thats what I am. I own that too. But I also know that God claims me. Died to forgive me. allows me the freedoms to say this stuff. I want a duality of thoughts to intermingle together like flowers in a field swaying in the wind. It's okay. I know it's okay.
By his grace
Jackie - always his beloved even despite not understanding or knowing and certainly despite not doing everything right.
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