As I searched my heart and mind for something enlightened or passionate or deep thinking like to say, I cried out in desperation when nothing came to mind. God, would you please just help me out, and give me something you want me to say? I cant think of anything. Much to my (not really, but really) surprise, God nudged me to open that wonderful book chock full of material deep enough to see to china. I recently had this epiphany that I had not because I asked not. Go figure, right? Well I sometimes just think that there is no reason to ask not because Jesus doesn't care, but maybe because I just don't think enough to ask. I suppose I don't trust him enough to be the first thing to turn to. I always just turn to myself. Anyways, I open up this bible of mine and I salivate.
I read and read and read and read without the purpose in mind, well i mean, it was in the back of my mind but the words danced over my heart, created images in my mind, birthed faith into my soul and caused me to breathe again. wow. I seriously felt like I was eating or drinking something for the first time in a long time. Or this one time, I was in Egypt and it was so hot in our flat. I woke up dying of thirst and we had been buying water bottles to drink from because the tap water was supposed to be a little sketchy or something and we were totally out of water bottles. I was not going to go get dressed walk all the way down to the store to get something to drink, I needed water NOW! So here I am in my hot flat sweat beading on my brow and I was SO thirsty that I thought I would actually pass out and die ( a little melodramatic, I understand but you were not there so take my word for it) and I made the command decision to do it. I drank from the tap. gasp. Okay, the water tasted fine - pansies. But I drank and drank and drank. The water was running down my face and onto the floor, dripping into my hair and on my clothes. I drank until I could hear it sloshing around in my stomach; it was only then that I decided that maybe I shouldn't have done with the crazy drinking of Egyptian tap water, but I cannot understand the intense need for water. I have never been so thirsty. As I sat on the edge of my bed pouring over my bible, I drank and water spilled over my mouth and onto the floor, in my hair, on my clothes and I didn't care, Such was my need.
When I finally found a passage I felt was possibly spirit driven, I closed my bible and put it on the bedside table staring at it, wondering when I would pick it up again. Previously, it had been awhile. Why? Why don't I read that thing more often? Jesus says He is the bread of life. He has water that will cause one to never thirst again. The words of God are Alive, soothing, nourishing, beautiful, colorful, hopeful and all things good. The bible is a book I could read over and over and God will never cease speaking from the words between the bindings. As I walk into this support room and stand up to the mike, I admit : My name is Jackie, and I am a spiritual Anorexic. Please everyone welcome me.
As a Christan in this world, trying to make it okay without the word of God is pointless. Its empty and half fulfilling. It is gray instead of bright yellows and oranges. I purposely choose not to feed on the words of Christ and am walking half a life, starving. I am starving myself of his beauty. I honestly believe that his beauty makes our lives beautiful. If we are not of this world, and cannot be sustained by this world, maybe we were meant for a different kind of world. One where loved and beloved conjoin in perfect intimacy and perfection. Perfect unity. I am not meant to find my opinion in the world's opinions. I was never meant to settle my thoughts for the thoughts of this world. I was NEVER meant to live a gray life. Jesus NEVER wanted that for me. He came to bring us life and life to the full. The full. full is not half way. I have a problem. And I need to change my thinking so I don't beleive the things that make me not eat of his perfect words of rightness for my life. Those words can change lives, they hold power and I would rather throw it away for a rice cake that tastes sweet but leaves me emptier than i started. I have a problem. I am a spiritual Anorexic. Fortunately for me, admitting my problem is the first step.
By his grace,
Jackie
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