I think I've arrived

I have found peace. By peace I would argue that I have found a soothing to my soul. It would be safe to say that I have spent much time chasing my own sanity all the while losing it. 

This year, it has been ten years since Christ found me.  I would tell you my "salvation story/testimony" but at the risk of being scorned, I will save that for later. Alas, February 25 2004, I lay on my bathroom floor engaged in a battle of wills. To believe or not believe in a God I had always heard about and maybe even possibly experienced. To make a choice.

Well choose I did. I chose to try living for him, my mustard seed faith was small but it was enough.  when I awoke the following morning, I felt something in my heart I could try to explain but would fail. A fullness, a depth, a passion, a fire, desire. Something bigger than I. And so my walk began. Actually, to be honest it sort of started as a crawl and then morphed into a blinding run.  I wanted to know everything I could possibly know about Jesus.  I met people who knew Jesus, I found a church and devoured the bible. I loved who Jesus was. I was in love with him.  now for the cynic who would argue that one could not be "in love" with Jesus, i understand where you're coming from. Sounds crazy. And maybe I was a little bit. but yes, I was infatuated and in love with him. 

Fast forward four years and time would find me knee deep in my second to last year of bible school. I was going to school to be a missionary (which upon thoughtful reflection, one does not actually NEED school to do such things but hey, it was where I felt like I was supposed to be at that time. I was engaged to my Christian boyfriend, leading an all girls self esteem small group, and getting ready for my missionary internship in Egypt. 

I don't know exactly what the catalyst was. I don't know if I actually sat down and processed my faith or just surrounded myself with like minded individuals but my steam was running out. It just all seemed so... Pointless.  

My perfect Christian life seemed so forced and fake, like I wasn't being genuine at all. The hypocrisy I walked in nearly drowned me. Of course I wasn't much aware of these emotions at the time, but I knew something was wrong. 

I think the breaking point was when I was excitedly talking about the Pentecostal church I attended and my boyfriend interrupted me saying "I wish you would just think a little deeper sometimes."  

I was properly offended and he explained to me something along the lines of how I wasn't a deep thinker and wished I would think about things more.  I think he was trying to encourage me to think outside the box, which was nice of him but it really just shattered the faith I had in my faith.  I didn't realize there was another way to think about it because that's how it was portrayed to me. I was living the way it was. 

However, I prayed. I prayed that god would grant me wisdom beyond my years, depth and thoughts full of knowledge. I never wanted to feel shallow again.  Thus, my "deep thinking" began. I began to question EVERYTHING which please, don't get me wrong, is so so healthy- but if you choose to question, be ready to figure out how to answer. 

it turned into a dark place.  Ignorance really can be a blissful place.  

I found my faith again while traveling Egypt but the real journey started after I graduated. My fiancé and I split due to many many things but I honestly believe him and I wouldn't have worked because he had his ideas about how things should be and I had my (very different) opinions  The ideas clashed and could not be reconciled. despite the brutal split, he carries a place in my heart. 

I reacquainted myself to a man from my past who was as liberal as liberal could be. How free! he was loving and accepting and let me be. If I wanted to drink, we drank. If I wanted to yell, he was strong enough to handle it and man enough to put me in my place when I needed it. If I wanted to curse or bar hop or drink and smoke, he was acceptant. he taught me what it meant to be and let be. To accept and love for exactly who you are in the present moment. He teaches me to think outside myself.  

I'm getting off topic, thinking. Yes, I thought. I Thought about my stance on EVERYTHING. Abortion, drinking, god, sex, porn, drugs, politics, guns, heaven, hell, purgatory, Catholics, atheism, masturbation, the bible, immorality and what the hell did I believe about the bible.   I spent a year trying to do this while serving in my church after moving home from Christian school which was painful. I felt my social Christian obligation to the wonderful Christians I had met along the way but I also felt the freedom of sin that was so freely available to my veins. Sin won out. Sin was freedom. Was sin really sin? 

I stopped attending church on the preface of working too much and not able to wake up which although true, really the truth was that you don't feel comfortable in church when you aren't trying to live for Jesus. the Holy Spirit squeezes at your heart and makes you want to tear your soul in two. How tortuous. Forget all that noise. So I stopped. I kept up a nice facade with the people who loved me like my youth pastor and his wife. Those are some legit people. 

Anyways, I think I was just over it. Over the selfless, the missionary, the people first and I wanted to be the opposite of all those things. So I did. I drank, smoked, and did my thing for a long while until I started noticing my personality started changing into someone I wasn't necessarily proud of. I was yelling more, thinking of myself more, treating my friends not as great, and generally just being a big asshole. but that's what happens when you live for yourself for 4 years. You get selfish. You develop a temper. You become a jerk. 

It was this thought that began turning my soul to more Christ like thoughts and questions. Also, as I thought through my thoughts on life, I developed into a pensive person. Thinking, thinking, thinking. I like to understand things. I learned that about myself, so when my questions weren't answered, I sought my answers. 

My desire to return to my faith was birthed by a hole. when you meet with Jesus, you collide with something bigger than yourself. When You welcome this bigger thing into your life, you notice its absence when you push it away. I was noticing. so I went searching for my answers in the bible. I vowed to read it cover to cover and not stop until I figured out what I needed to know.  While I was thinking about doing this, I began attending a church. Okay. That's a lie. I attended bi monthly until one day I saw their advertisement for a nursery helper. I felt like I should do it. So I did.  Now I had to come to church once a month. And that's all it was for awhile.  But I grew to know the people and the pastor and his wife were annoyingly Jesus like.  The Jesus described in the bible.  Not the Jesus our culture acts like.  Living, loving, welcoming, inviting, so freaking beautiful and full of love. I liked that.

I never wanted to be a part of something fake. I didn't want to be a stereotype Christian living a religion no one took seriously, but these people were doing something I was into. Love.  

So, I sought this love. Which has led me to read the bible, seek Jesus, find my faith.  I have finally decided for myself that Jesus is something I'm into.  I feel like figuring that out has brought me peace.  

I'm not perfect, I'm still selfish, I'm still all about practical thinking and I know many would argue the impractical nature of following Jesus. That's okay, I get it.  But I still know what I've lived and what I've experienced. 

Now while I figure things out, I can do so with a measure of peace resting in my heart and a proverbial hand in my hand.  I choose Jesus. By doing so, I've found peace I didn't know I didn't have. 

Until next time

-his beloved

Discipline cleanses the soul

Ive started working out recently. Awhile ago, I blew my hip out training for a triathalon and I havent been able to run properly since. It sucks being so limited. However, swimming has become a constant recently. I could swim laps all day I think. Its nice to be able to swim instead of run because I can actually lose weight while I do it. Keeping my weight off helps my hip feel normal. Ive discovered that you will lose weight when you want to. I mean, I always wanted to but now I am just SO tired of having a goal and not getting anywhere near it that I really WANT to lose weight. There is this banner at the swimming pool that says " the mind leads the body" and its so true. I have been making myself get up and go do things to be active despite the lazy inside me pleading to stop because what I want is bigger than that. The discpline in making yourself follow through with a commitment has taught me a few things. 1. Our life is not meant to live meaninglessly. We are not meant to eat however we want all the time, drink whatever we want all the time and not reap reprocussions from it.

2. Consistency pays off. Sometimes you have got to suck it up and do it because a body in motion stays in motion and if I want to continue to grow, I've gotta stay in motion. 

3. sometimes you have to wait a LONG time to see your dreams become a reality. It's going to take awhile, but dreams are not made of fluffy clouds and cotton candy, it's made of hard work and determination. 

Discipline. It used to be such a negative word and now it's become so good. 

- his beloved

I want to believe this is holy

In the morning, when I rise In the morning, when I rise Give me Jesus. 

I was hanging out at home one night, a couple of wine glasses in thinking about the complexities of life. I was thinking about how no one will ever be SURE that God is real. No one will ever be certian that the bible is true. no one can just show me and even if the good Lord showed up at my door himself, how can I tell people and expect them to believe me. Sometimes I go back and forth between wondering if God is talking to me and wondering if I have developed schizophrenia. This being said, i believe God has been talking to me...

Only time

Will tell what he has to say

Or if I'll actually listen 

...or have an undiagnoised schizophrenia issue 

Journey

Consciousness played no part

to my wandering

my hands empty, my back bare

completely unprepared

unaware of the departure, unaware of the destination

I stood under the heat of the sun

Made the decision to turn

Turn away and walk

My decision focused as I faced the depths

 I embraced the fate I chose as I entered the void

The trees were dark here

No warmth from the sun

I turned my face from that light

Choosing instead the burn from my selfishness

I wrestled with my spirit

As I gave way to flesh

Indulging in things

Found only in the dark

The sweet intoxication of lust

The metallic aroma of hate

The bliss of pride

The smell of wealth

I traced my tongue over the tastes of the depths

Giving way to pleasures and desires

The dark creeping into my skin

Pinprick after pinprick of sweet slick sin

I made the forest my home

So deep I abided, the sun barely crept through

The creatures of the night were my companions

I craved the freedom they represented

Dancing wild in the moonlight

Mixing blood with demons

The forest held me

I clenched back in a vise for dear life

Losing myself to the shadows

Unaware of the roots wrapping around me

The moonlight dimmed

The dancing slowed

The perfume of lust turned stench

hate eroded my soul

the wind picked up and clouds turned black

rain clouded my eyes, roots tripped my feet

my companions fled

alone

the forest raged around me

left with nothing but hate

lust

pride

greed

the sun did not shine here

my hair blew wild around me

standing in the middle of the forest

I longed for the sun

It all became too much

I scrambled around blind

Grasping at anything

Blown about and torn by my own devices

Demons ripping at my skin

The sun peeks through

Giving light to my eyes

Bright, so bright

Showing me the way out

Stumbling against the wind

I emerge beaten, bruised, haggard

The sun greets me

I turn my face away

I love the sun

But the comfort of the shadows lingers

The scars of my debauchery scream raw

I am changed

Right. Left. Right. Left.

I move away from the depths

It calls to me

My demons cling to me

The sun warms me

I am changed.

The sun warms me.

Romans 7: 14 For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin. 15For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I [would] like to [do], but I am doing the very thing I hate.

I think I found a sunflower

I have been spending a lot of time deciding.  We decided to get married.  We decided to move.  We decided to take in a roommate who needed somewhere to stay.  We decided NOT to get another animal, haha.  I decided to make the yard look a little liveable.  Now, my yard isn't big, its very little but no one had done anything to the yard since summer had started so there were a lot of plants in it, but it wasn't very liveable.  When I say plants, I don't just mean some silly dandilions - I mean plants that came up to my waste.  Very tall weeds.  I couldn't clean up the dog crap (which was my intended chore) so I got some dish gloves on and went to work.  I brought a garbage sack with me thinking it would be sufficient, however it ended up laying in the corner of the yard while the weed pile stacked higher and higher and ... higher. While I was digging things up, I came across a plant that didn't look like the rest of the weeds.  It looked like a "real plant."  So, I left it there amongst the (now) dirt and continued my task until I had pulled up every thing I could grab with my hands.

My yard is a wasted barren land with a few tufts of grass that I couldn't pull up on my own.  However, my yard is workable now - for next summer.  It's far too late in the season to begin growth like that.  My yard will sit and I will think of all the wonderful plans I have for it through the winter and I will begin my garden before the snow even melts. But for now, I have a plant to look after.  My sunflower.  ONE sunflower sitting in the most awkward place in the yard but very much alive.  My focus is going into watching the plant come to a completion in its cycle and as I tend for this silly plant, God showed me what he has been doing in my barren heart that contain a few stubborn issues and maybe one or two sunflowers.  Its sad to parallel this with my wasteland yard but spiritually, my heart is a wasteland.

I think my biggest struggle is the taste of sin that smells so sweet.  I want to make my own decisions and choices and damn to hell anyone who stands in my way.  My pride is the stepping stone to my success and I will not let anyone tell me otherwise.  See, I'm growing all these things and ideas and cool "plants" in my heart and mind but while they have use and while they are "plants" -  I am growing weeds that will not amount to anything and will be ripped up to make way for the good things or for the "sunflowers" in my heart.

As I was ripping up these weeds and looking at all the gross dirt left behind I saw God pruning my heart.  See right now, my heart is like my yard - so full of weeds, I can't see the sunflower, the potential, the uses, the functionality.  God wants to rip the weeds out so I can grow a garden of flowers instead of useless crap.  Flowers of  peace, love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control, joy, goodness, faithfulness.  Flowers of hope, faith, promise.  Flowers imbued with his genes, created from his attributes and adored with his love.
The bible says that against such things there are no laws.  I like no rules.  rules and I kind of have a bittersweet rivalry.  

God has created miracles in my life and I didn't realize it.  He wants to give me beauty and joy and I just want to hold onto the things that I know.  It's kind of like having a sin mentality.  I cling to it because I understand sin.  I can play that game good because I know those rules.  However, I think during these winter months, I will decide to make it a point to allow him to clear my field and prepare a harvest.  Maybe its time to try a new garden, instead of clinging to the weeds.  Because even though some weeds are nice, there are far better things in this world than nice.  God wants to give us this garden.  We have to allow him to pull up the weeds before he can plant it though because joy and hate cannot live together just like weeds and plants cannot co-exist.  The weeds choke the plants.  Hate is easier than joy sometimes.  Lets hope my daily decisions always follow this train of thought.

- His beloved.

at the corner of stripped faith and I cant do this alone

I had this breakdown a couple of days ago, spiritually, of course.  I became so overwhelmed with the immensity of my questions on religion and Jesus, my life, my relationships and trying to do everything on my own, that i just breathed a small little prayer of realization to god "I cannot do this on my own."  I think it was this moment that broke the pride inside me.  This wall of incessant weight that I carry with me to protect myself.  See, the thing is, I don't trust god.  I never really have.  My trust is about as little as I can get away with.  I think this is where most of my issues come from.  I do not like that God gets to have his way and gets to call all the shots.  I do not like that I am not in complete control of my life.  I wanted to be.  I tried to be. But God or no god, I still wasn't in control.  I think i just got to a point where I was okay with not being in control and despite my questions, I must keep walking and since I do believe in Jesus, I would much rather figure things out with him than away from him.

I met Jesus in 2004.  February 25th to be exact.  He changed my world.  But I lost something very dear to me that kind of taught me about Jesus.  I identified Jesus through this person's ideas and when he derailed, so did my faith.  Then my mom died and I just felt lost.  and angry.  I got very angry.  I felt God had done me an injustice.  God took these things away, and even though I realize they were for good reasons, I was just mad that GOD made the call.  I didn't get to choose.

I've been mad for a long time.  I've been selfish a long time.  I have lived my life for myself for a long time.  And even though I still intend to live for myself, right now... for the first time in a long time, I am open to Jesus having a say.  I am not angry anymore.  I don't agree with a lot of things Jesus does, and I think God gets things backwards  a lot but I am open.  that's a big step.

So here I stand.  at the corner.  but I feel refreshed and ready to start relearning my faith from ground zero.  We are starting with trust.  The biggest but I think, the most fundamental piece.  nothing else has really changed.  I'm still pretty selfish. I'm still crazy cynical and I still have my questions.  But, this is good.  It feels good.

Mustard seeds? Faith? Yeah, okay..

Just how quantitative is mustard seed status? What measurement can I apply that to? It's small yes, but I can still see it, touch it, feel it, plant it. What if my faith has dwindled to smaller? It certainly feels like it. I am trying to try. I am wanting to want. I desire to desire. I am drowning, I am so lost.
Spiritually, I just can't get the hang of it and I wish I could just be black and white about this but I cannot. I wish I could just cut it off and say okay, there is just no god and I have been wrong this whole time but I CAN'T. I cannot lie to myself, because my heart says there is a God. My heart, the earth, the rocks cry out something greater than us. Denying it would be the ignorance. So reason would say, okay there is a God but who, what, in what spectrum? In what capacity? How relevant is he to our lives? Well, if a God created the world for practical reasons, why the beauty? Why love? Why Emotions? It wouldn't make sense.
I believe the bible with my whole heart, I am sure of that. Yes, there is some ambiguity as to who wrote it, decided what was holy, pieced it Together, but I believe it.

I know there is a God, I believe in Jesus and when I get so frustrated that I would like to believe nothing I am reminded. Because I have been a part of another life, another world. I have participated in worship of God and really felt something. I have had dreams, seen visions, heard promises. This doesn't come from nowhere. I have felt the presence of God. I know this is a silly thing to hear especially by those that do not believe in Jesus but I have. I have transcended worlds, I have been rooted deep and cut down the stalk. My roots live and when I would try to deny a God, I am reminded of something more. I just don't know how to find it. I don't know how to find the passion to find it. It is SO exhausting, trying to find something that used to be so easy.

I worked out for a month with no weight loss results. It woke me up to realize that I really need to just buckle down and stick with my calorie counting, working out routine to actually lose the weight. Well maybe what I'm doing spiritually, is the same thing. I'm trying but not really- maybe it's time I buckle down and really get uncomfortable, because this ambiguity just isn't cutting it anymore. God is not a vending machine and I can't expect to have a relationship with someone I treat as such.

I really hope people with faith as big as a mustard seed really have enough because I'm kinda banking on it for now..

- his beloved